johan Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 One year ago, I broke up with my ex for the last time. Somehow word of her keeps popping into my life though. Dickhead friends seem to think telling me about her or even bringing her up is ok, but it just bothers me. The problem I have is that I haven't found someone to love me better. I sleep alone. It's my own fault maybe, but it's a fact. When I think of her and her life without me, I feel like such an incredible loser. Because I never could secure her, and in the end I lost her. And in her eyes I am a loser. Someone not to be loved. And she was just one of several I lost. Spending the holidays on my own isn't a big deal really. I'm not dwelling on the holidays much. Other times, it's hard. Like when I'm off of work, or when I want to do something and wish I had a sweetheart to share it with. There are a few aspects of "finding someone to love me better". The finding part: I don't look much. I can blame myself for that. Shyness and reclusiveness are curses for me. I can't even justify them. The love part: well I should love myself first, right? As long as I measure myself in the eyes of her and others, I never will. And she loved me, but we parted. The better part: I know she loved me. But not enough to marry me. Not enough to allow any emotional intimacy. Not enough to trust me. So most any love I could get from someone would be better. But how much better, and what will I be willing to settle for next time? I don't want to be bitter. I want to be happy. I want to like my life and feel content. I don't want my days to click off like seconds, and for another year to pass like a flash while I wait for whatever it is that needs to change to change. I want to live at my potential, but I consciously and unconsciously choose to come up short most of the time. Why would I do that to myself?
Road Rage Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 You`re just not ready to settle down. Ol` Abe Lincoln said most people are about as happy as they want to be. So it is with you. Pain makes you ponder. When you are ready you will ponder and change into someone who is into the moment with a relationship. Enjoy the moment now with your single self. Have a beer:)
Kittiecat Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 Sounds to me like you just grew comfy in your routine. It's a lot easier to sit at home than it is to try to make things happen and risk the pain of rejection. You know you aren't a loser. Maybe it's just time to do a personal cost/benefit analysis.
Storyrider Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Just a thought, but do you think, like KK said, you're afraid to take risks? I know I can be like that sometimes. Then when I do take a risk it usually brings tenfold benefits, and I wonder why I don't do it more often, but yet the next time it is hard again. Sometimes you have to kick yourself out of the comfort zone. And dwelling on your ex may be more comfortable than getting out and meeting people.
Krying Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 johan, I hope you start to feel better in your life soon. I also hope I'm not feeling the same way you are in a years time either. Virtually everything you said, I feel the same way. In one sense, I was not the loser in my relationship ending and ALL my friends consider I was the lucky one. Yet my heart does not feel that way. I miss my girl more than anything in my life. I want her back, warts, problems and all. So I do feel like the loser, since I'm left thinking of her 24/7. I hate my life right now. But I'm not ready to kill myself that's for sure. I simply hate that I've had to go through this pain of separation. That I will never be with my loved one again. I can't say that with 100% certainty though. Heck, her marriage could fail, and she would come back to me. But what kind of life is that to live. Strangely, I have more hope holding onto that, than venturing out into the world to find another person. Quite simply, I don't want anyone else, even if they are better in every way.
Author johan Posted December 23, 2006 Author Posted December 23, 2006 Ol` Abe Lincoln said most people are about as happy as they want to be. So it is with you. Pain makes you ponder. When you are ready you will ponder and change into someone who is into the moment with a relationship. Enjoy the moment now with your single self. Have a beer:) Good thinking, Road Rage. Abe was no dummy, I think. I do think people choose to be where they are, happy or not, for whatever reason. There is security in bitterness and seclusion. That's the only reason I can see for some people to chronically choose to be unhappy in those ways. It must be a choice because it's simple to change. Thanks for the responses. I think you all were pretty right on. I don't understand this side of myself. Krying, if you actually did have the chance with someone who is better in everyway, you'd do it. I hope you aren't feeling this way in a year, too. Actually more than that, I hope that I am not feeling this way in a year.
D-Lish Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Often, when we're feeling down, we remain unmotivated. You're not a loser, nor are you going to be alone for the rest of your life. In response to your question to yourself about what amount of love you're willing to settle for... That's only the lonlieness talking. You shouldn't settle for anything less than the best. It sounds like you're stuck right now... still living in limbo. But it's a choice to live like that. I hate the holidays- they just remind me that I'm lonley. New year's resolution for you. Get out more, take on a new project, do something new you've never done before but always wanted to do. Making subtle changes in our lives can have a positive impact on our self esteem. Happiness is something we unfortunately have to work at...it doesn't just happen without effort. Once you find happiness with yourself, you'll be more willing to choose a healthy relationship. I always find that I choose partners according to how I feel about myself. When I don't like myself, I choose losers because I feel unworthy. But when I'm happy, I tend to make better choices about who I date. That will happen for you to... when you're ready. I hope you enjoy the holidays! D
JCD Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Just give it time. There comes a time when you'll no longer care about her, become happy with yourself and start to look for someone new. You might also realize that you don't want her type but someone else. You change overtime, maybe for the better.
alphamale Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Maybe it's just time to do a personal cost/benefit analysis. would one utilize Excel or some other spreadsheet program for that?
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