bulletin85 Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 Hey, I hope this is fine, I'm copying my post from another forum site. I posted once last month, got advice, and acted on it, but I'll post that one first because it has all the background info. I'm sorry it's so long, but I need as much advice as possible! My November post: Time to Quit? I'm a 21 y/o woman, and have been with the same guy (also 21) on-and-off for 4 years. The "off" periods is basically us not in a labeled relationship, but not dating anyone else, and continuing to hold certain expectations of each other/taking the other's limits or "rules" under consideration. We are both in university. Things were decent up until last year, in which he became a jerk/inconsiderate, and became a lot worse 6 months later, in which he became emotionally/physically abusive. He didn't hit me, but he was still physically aggressive (shoving, knocking down, ripping my notebook once, etc.) and emotionally hurtful (threatening, using things against me, etc.). The actual occurences of such behavior was spread out at first, as in once a month, but by the end of those 6 months, it was weekly I think. He also constantly flirted with one girl, used her against me all the time, and would bring her up in our arguments to provoke me. I was a mess by the end of the 6 months. The semester ended and I traveled alone during the summer break to get away/clear my head. I was cold/distant during that time, and when I returned, I told him I was moving on (I'd told him while I was away for the summer too, but reconfirmed it then) and gave him papers I selected and photocopied from a book about abusive men. Shortly after, he changed and apologized/admitted that he was abusive. He was much nicer to me for the rest of the summer, and at the start if the new semester, he asked me to give him a chance. I refused for 1.5 months, but in mid-October I finally said okay. We're still not dating, but we definitely act like we are, so it's "unlabeled". His temper has been in check for the past month since then. I moved in with him for three weeks to see what it would be like. He basically spent all his time sleeping or watching TV shows, and it's impossible to get him to come out with me. He has lunch with me and mutual friends after university sometimes, but he's never interested in going out in the evening, even just for a walk or to a cafe. He'd rather order in. Also, he's very picky when it comes to small details, such as whether I put the cutting knife on the counter or in the sink with all the other utensils that need to be washed. I told him I realize it's important to him, but he needs to change the way he tells me, but he refuses to understand. He also hasn't picked up on the subtle OR incredibly direct times I told him I need small gestures of caring from him, and that treating me like a person (ie. not being abusive) will not cut it for him. I told him even buying flowers or picking up a candy bar I like from the grocery store would be more than enough. I do things like this for him almost every time I go out, but he still hasn't picked up on the trend. However, we have a healthy sex life, so there is still chemistry there. Basically, it's normal arguments, but considering the past, I can't tell if it's worth this. I've been wishing I was with someone else lately (no one specific, just needing a different relationship). I need the relationship to change, and to find a way to make him understand what I need, but honestly don't know if it's worth the effort, seeing as I've dealt with a lot already. I'm afraid to put in a lot of effort and end up regretting it, seeing as he has hurt me very much in the past, and has trouble seeing when he is hurting me. Should I continue to give it a chance, seeing as we've been through a lot, and spent 4 years together already? Any idea how to get through to him?? ______________________________________________ My current post: So I waited until a day when he agreed to come out to dinner with me, and when we got home that evening, he said something like "oh, I'd never date a girl who would do that" about something random. It seemed like the perfect time for me to point out our forever unlabeled status. I jokingly said, "so who would you date?" but in a way that was very obvious that I was talking about me/us. He told me that I was cornering him. Meaning that I was pressuring him into dating me! I was surprised, since HE was the one who had asked for a chance, and scared off this guy who liked me earlier this semester when I'd given up on him (he actually told him to back-off or there'll be a fight. Like we're in high school or something). So I asked, outright but sticking to being gentle/understanding, why we wouldn't be labeled as a couple, since we ARE a couple in technicality. He said he wouldn't be able to handle a relationship now. And then he added "or anytime in the near future". So basically, I'm sitting around waiting for...?? I tried being patient with him anyway, but when he found out that when he said he doesn't want a relationship I started talking to this guy-friend he didn't like me talking to (I didn't try to hide it, because if we're FRIENDS, why should he tell me which other FRIENDS I can/can't talk to?), he blew up and kicked me out of his house. We didn't talk for about 10 days, but then we ended up talking again, and of course that led to us fooling around. However, we argued again, and I really can't stand him. He's extremely self-centered, he knows he hurts me and does it anyway, saying it's "self-preservation" and that he has to look out for himself. The thing is, I'M looking out for him as well, so in the end, my needs are completely discarded. Also, he blows up over things like MY academic life, as in he would actually get pissed off and yell at me, and refuse to talk to me for the rest of the evening. And when I tell him he has to be gentler with me, or ask for a hug, or for us to talk about it, he yells more or tells me "maybe we can talk when you stop being stupid". I don't need a significant other who won't officially date me even though we've been together for 4 years, and who acts like an overprotective father, and who only thinks of himself, and has potential to become abusive again, and who is basically not worth my time. He's hurtful, doesn't respect me, and is not considerate of my needs. He also blames our problems on ME, when I'm insanely patient with him and feel like I'm dealing with a child. So I KNOW I should leave - although I still get a lot of times where I feel extremely sad that things didn't work out, because we were so good together for the first few years, and we've put in a lot of effort (or in the past year, I did =p). The trouble is sticking to this. I always wind up talking to him again. Sometimes it's because he asks me for a chance and I'm a stupidly forgiving person, but other times (especially lately - since he doesn't seem to care AT ALL anymore, so doesn't ask for chances, and when I get to the end of my abilities with him and say I can't stay anymore and have to leave him, he says "leave then") it's just because I get weak-willed when it comes to him =p We go to the same university, have a lot of mutual friends, sit at the same places, and for vacations we both leave the country and go to the same TOWN pretty much (we met in high school and he moved to my univeristy a couple of years ago). We seem to be addicted to each other even though at this point, it's possible that we strongly dislike one another =p Any ideas on the best way to cut someone out of your life?? We've tried so many times but always wind up back together like idiots. I need as much advice as possible. We'll both be heading home for a 5-6 week winter break in a couple of days. It should help a bit since I'll be staying with my parents and not with him, but also make it more difficult because there will be a lot of reunion-type stuff with old high school friends. I can't get support from my family because we're not close at all when it comes to things like this (although we're very close in our own way), and I can't talk to them about my personal life much. Thanks a lot to everyone who read through all this!
notmakingsense Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 It sounds simple, but is hard... you need to initiate strict no contact. It isn't good enough to you to be just distant, you need to be non-existant to him. You need that full-on, long amount of time apart to separate emotionally and move on with your life. Use the time to reflect on what you learned and what you want, so that when you are ready to date again, you won't pick such a loser.
Author bulletin85 Posted December 22, 2006 Author Posted December 22, 2006 Yea, being non-existant to him is my aim :s My problem though, is that we don't even make it through a couple of weeks of not talking before we give in again. And believe me, if I knew that this is what he's like after a couple of years, there's NOO way I'd have gotten in a relationship with him. He was a totally different person until about 2 years ago, and he gradually became worse and worse. Thanks for your reply!
notmakingsense Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 Yea, being non-existant to him is my aim :s My problem though, is that we don't even make it through a couple of weeks of not talking before we give in again. Quit giving in! He totally sounds like a loser. Abusive behavior and lethargy. Does he wear a beer-stained white t-shirt while he's watching footbal and lounging on the couch? ;^) You already know what you need to do. So do it. If it helps, make a list that reminds you of what happens after you get back together with him and what he is really like. Spend more time with your friends. Date so that you can remind yourself that there are so many other fish in the sea. But no matter what. No contact! Show some strength here!
lola65 Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 I dealt with someone who sounds almost exactly like your ex. I was with him for 4 1/2 years. We had a period of time where we were broken up for about 6 months. During that time I would still be at his beckon call and was still accepting the remains of a relationship he was dishing out to me. We got back together and we lasted for another year. During that year, I was both physically and mentally abused. (BTW, pushing and shoving and ripping your property apart, IS physical abuse). He would blow up over nothing, have girls numbers in his phone, and towards the end he would go out with his "friends" drinking every night and leave me at home and yell when I would call him. I felt like I was never really 100% part of his life and I was only his gf when it was convenient. I finally left him after I was forced to move out of our apartment together. (Later I found he was pushing me out because he found someone he thought was better than me). We have now been broken up for a little over a year and have not been more happy and at peace with my life EVER. If I could leave, you can. You are dealing with a sick puppy here. He has serious problems that you should not even attempt to work out. My mother always said "You cannot fix something if there is nothing there to work with! The fact that you recognize his behavior is wrong is really the first step. I remember at one point, I was so in denial about him that I did not think anything was wrong with him and kept trying to improve myself for him...BARF! lol. Anyhow, I know you have the power to leave him for good. I have had to change my number twice because eventhough he was with someone else, he would still persist. To this date, he still calls my work number and I hang up on him and the last voicemail I actually did not delete was over 3 months ago and he was telling me how he "misses us". You will get to where I am, please trust me. And until you are all healed, you have LS!! Warm Regards, Lola
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