Allow me to pick your brains

[movinon05]

I don't know if this has been discussed before, but I don't think it has lately.

 

I'm just going to throw the question out here, and then, if necessary, fill in some more details to see if you change your mind.

 

Question:

 

If you have had an A, and then you move on and start dating and become serious with the new person, should you tell him/her you had an A?

[Guest]

I don't think I could explain my emotionally vulnerabiltity satisfactorily. After a while, I think I would evaluate if this knowledge adds anything to the relationship before I told anyone.

[puddleofmud]

I would only tell if necessary to bring about how one feels about having learned about relationships and only once a relationship became very serious and was about the long-haul. BUT, as in all serious relationships I feel that one does NOT have to spout each and every detail--the past is the past and this should be accepted regarding both partners.

What would matter most? One saying "I wish to confess that I once had an affair with a married person" or "I have learned a great deal about relationships due to the fact that I have had many and one having been with a married person"?

Everything one brings to a relationship is valuable--it is not always how one gets there. Many have much more difficult pasts: incest, rape, prostitution, etc, it's all about the road one has traveled and not the identity of any one particular situation.

No need to bring up details. Every one has a past and sooner or later the past will bring them to something that is wonderful! It will most likely eclipse both partner's pasts and nothing would really matter other then the love that is present.

[cbl]

no i wouldn't.... i would not want any of them to think that "it is OK" to have an affair once in a while during the course of our relationship. i know it is not fair, as i was with someone married so it seems like it is ok to cheat in a relationship. but i never asked my MMs to leave their wives. not that i did not want to be with them. i believe if there are problems in their marriages they would leave because their marriages aren't working out; not because they would leave for me - because someday they might leave me for others even if we end up being together.

[GreenEyedLady]

i don't know if one should tell or not...I guess it would depend...but I think that if I was to the point that I was serious with someone, I probably would...

 

Because the thing for me is that I have to feel like the person I am with loves me for who I am...and I don't want to be with someone who wouldn't love the real me...

[Guest]

my 2 cents

 

if this new person had nothing to do with your past [ie; is not the bf or hubby / gf or wife or the one you had an affair with] then i do not see how it matters. maybe later down the road, if talking about things like that came up, i would say yes - but this person is not would not be concerned or effected by your past, more likely thinking about th present and the future with u.

[pureinheart]

Hey movinon.....I would have to because this is a large city, although small at the same time....and you know how the "true confessions" come out anyway when conversing with SO.....

[hrtingsobd]

While I truly believe that honest is the best policy, I will not tell again. I had an emotional affair one time (no sex but I did kiss him). I still can't forgive myself because it went against all of my morals...I told my recent ex and I felt like (maybe just my guilt) he deep down questioned if I would do it again. I know I would in his shoes. Unless someone comes right out and asked, I would not tell. If they did come right out and ask, I would politely let them know that the past is the past and I would like to leave it there....Parts of the past weren't fun the first time and I don't wish to revisit it in my future. : )

[Plungebob]

I have been asked this question, and I didn't lie. My personal feeling is that pretending to be something other than yourself in order to win or keep someone's heart is demeaning to both parties.

[movinon05]

Thanks for the responses and I have to say I've felt the same way that each of you has posted at one time or another. Perhaps now I'll add a little info.

 

As some of you may know, I had a 7 yr A and left my H for the MM. The A ended 2 yrs ago and I have moved on and made a better life for me and my kids.

 

I am now dating someone seriously although we've got a ways to go before any commitment would be made for a variety of reasons. I personally have no fear that I would EVER cheat again. I HAVE learned my lesson and no, I would NEVER allow myself to be in that situation again.

 

As for my BF, 9 yrs ago his W left him for an 18 yr old (she was 36 at the time). She did end up marrying the other guy.

 

My BF has said on a number of occasions that he hates cheaters. However, he doesn't hate the new H. He actually feels sorry for him because his exW was horrible to him throughout the entire M (and he put up with it). The new H even comes to him and complains about the exW! Very strange to me, but BF never wanted to involve the kids, so he has taken the high road. His kids did hate their mother for a time, but they have also come around and everyone gets along now.

 

Despite all of this, he is extremely glad to be out of that M and very much in love with me. We do share details about past dates and relationships, and, in fact, he has seen my exH in action and how horrible he is to my kids, so he pretty much assumes that is why I divorced him. I've never lied to him, I just don't discuss that one R.

 

I agree that the past is the past and we are what we have learned from past mistakes. I don't care to revisit that past. I'm very happy now, my kids are happy and they are happy for me as well. I think the R is a bit too new and possibly too fragile to bring this up because I don't want him having doubts that I would do that again. But when he talks about cheaters and other people he knows and mentions again that he hates cheaters, I get all sorts of uncomfortable. As GEL says, I would want the person to love me knowing all of me, including my faults. But I am also a better person now for lessons learned.

 

There is one thing I would have to disagree with and that would be Plungebob's comment. I'm not pretending to be something I'm not, nor am I trying to win over someone's heart by lying. I have not lied to him. He has never asked me if I cheated. He has never asked me why I left my M. If he ever does, I would have to be honest with him because that is the way I am and then I would want the cards out on the table. He loves me for who I am and for the woman/mother that he sees. Yes, I WAS a cheater. But does that mean I have to carry a big C on my chest for the rest of my life to warn others?

 

So, does anyone change their opinion now?

[Guest]

well, there are some really great people in here. but i wonder if what they say in a place like this holds up in real life. i don't think it does. i have read countless of posts all over the place from someone i know so well, but, in real life she doesn't do what she says she can in places like this. i don't think she has admitted that to herself and because she just roams around with all these things in her head, she is sort of living a lie. and there is nothing i can do that will ever break thru to her and let her see.

 

i think that everyone in here that has ever posted about themselves or others and claims to know what they want to do, should take a good look in the mirror - if u say u can do something, believe in certain things, want to be with a certain someone and u find months go by and all u are doing is still posting these thoughts on sites everywhere - then u are lying to yerself.

 

sorry if that sounds harsh - but its true

 

i for one have only done this because this woman i love has given me no other option, says one thing but does the other, i simply can't be any clearer in my explainations, nor can i show her any more tolerance, or understanding because there is nothing left for me to do - I'VE DONE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE

 

so, its time for me to back up what i am saying here by not returning to sites like this and GETTING ON WITH LIFE.

 

merry christmas babe - the saturday night offer is still out there. let me know sometime today ok? if not, no probs.

 

stay kewl all

 

c'ya

[Chapter2]

I'm so glad you responded to this. My knee jerk was to respond for you but I held back. You have never ever pretended to be someone you are not and have always spoken and posted with honesty and authenticity.

 

This question is really, really hard! My gut instinct is to tell you to guard your heart until you are ready to tell him and you feel sure about it. I do not believe that waiting to talk about that is deceptive. If he asks you specifically then that may even lead you to say you're not ready to talk about it...you have that freedom. But, like you, I do think you should tell him at some point. He's going to love you for the woman that you are now and even your A has helped shaped the woman he loved this minute. He'll see that.

 

Let me ask you this...If I PM'd you and asked you if I had to wear a big C on my chest for the rest of my life, what would you say to me? I know what you'd say... NO!!! ... you do not have to live in that shame and you need to hold your head high.

 

MO, there isn't a single human being alive that hasn't made some questionable choices in their life and looked back thinking, what the hell was I thinking? What matters, in my opinion, is what you've done with your life in the aftermath.

 

You are a woman of strength, character, humility and dignity. What would you tell your own child or your grandchild if they asked you the same question?

 

There is one thing I would have to disagree with and that would be Plungebob's comment. I'm not pretending to be something I'm not, nor am I trying to win over someone's heart by lying. I have not lied to him. He has never asked me if I cheated. He has never asked me why I left my M. If he ever does, I would have to be honest with him because that is the way I am and then I would want the cards out on the table. He loves me for who I am and for the woman/mother that he sees. Yes, I WAS a cheater. But does that mean I have to carry a big C on my chest for the rest of my life to warn others?

 

So, does anyone change their opinion now?

[pennyjosix]

If the relationship is getting serious or is serious I think it's a good idea to tell new person about A. It just brings you closer when you are open and honest, and no one wants to have skeletons in the closet.

[Guest]

I was a BS and my current bf was the OM in an affair. He was also involved with someone else at the time, so he cheated on her.

 

He did tell me about it fairly early on in our relationship, and I had an emotional reaction - I didn't hurl insults at him, because I certainly know he isn't my exH. But I found that it was really important to me to know that he wouldn't try to justify the A by telling me it was a matter of circumstances and that both parties were unhappy in their relationships. There were no kids involved, and no good reason not to split up. I found that that was the main sticking point for me - because that is where I could see it happening again. The underlying question is, is avoidance how you deal with unhappiness? Would you go behind my back, or will you do me the courtesy of giving me a heads-up that things have gone seriously wrong?

 

And, movinon, that is exactly why I think you should be up front about it. Because the fact that he told me spoke volumes and inspired trust in me. He was very patient with my fears, and for that I am quite grateful - although, when he saw that my reaction wasn't total calm, he was also very concerned that he would be "penalized" for being honest with me.

 

I understood his fear, and I didn't want to penalize him in place of my exH. And when he said so, I realized that I, too, had to try to separate the past from the present.

 

But I also wanted to make clear to him - and myself - that for me, the sticking point is how a partner will deal with stress in a relationship. He dealt with it one way, once. I've made my own mistakes, too (although I haven't cheated). But I've learned from my mistakes, and endeavor not to repeat them, and I needed to know that he felt the same way. I needed to have that conversation with him. By getting it out in the open, I now understand how he feels about it all much better, and I really appreciate his openness with me. Honesty, to me, is an incredible gift.

 

I don't know if this will help, but I wanted to offer my perspective. If you do tell - and I think you should, because otherwise, there is some question about whether you will hide other important information - I think the thing that matters is what you've already said: that you've learned your lesson and have zero interest in ever doing it again. You don't have to wear a scarlet C forever.

[Art_Critic]

No, I don't think you should tell him..

 

But... there is a time in all relationships where you share some of the skeletons in each others closets.. that is when you might want to talk about your past.

 

Also.. if he asks you the you have to tell him.. but don't upset the applecart and shoot yourself in the foot until the relationship is strong enough to handle the skeletons..

He has them too by the way.. We all do.. they take different shapes and sizes but we all have them.

[GreenEyedLady]

MO: I think that you should do what your heart tells you to...

 

...you are a wonderful, caring, strong individual, don't be afraid of the mistakes that you have made in life...when I was first lurking here, I always saw the wisdom in your posts and knew I had come to the right place...your BF sees that also...you are the one who knows him best and you will know the right thing to do...

 

Best wishes...

[movinon05]

Thanks again for your responses. I wish I knew how to quote certain responses to respond to them the way everyone else does, but for the life of me I seem to be totally computer illiterate when it comes to that, so I have to refer to your comments. If anyone can tell me how, I'd appreciate it.

 

I can tell you that I am not necessarily worried that I would lose him over this because this man has the biggest heart and is the MOST unselfish person I have ever met in my life. I just don't think its the right time to tell him now because I don't think its necessary to put a fear in him. I know I would never cheat on him, if for no other reason than that I could just never hurt him in that way. I respect him enough that if my feelings were to change I would tell him. This R is basically in its infancy.

 

Chapter2, thank you for your support. And of course, you are right, if you or my child asked me this question, I would say no. (Its always good to be reminded of what you would say to someone else). But I would also say to give it time to see where the R goes and if it is what you think is the right thing to do and can handle the aftermath, I would be right there supporting you. The fact is that everyone handle this type of thing differently. I personally am not afraid of my past. Its made me what I am today. The thing with me is that sometimes I have that guilt imbedded in me especially because of what happened to him. Kind of like how a Catholic girl feels guilty for having sex before she's married!

 

To the guest who went through this, and a few of the other posters, I can totally agree that it is best to be honest and upfront, but as I said I just don't think the time is right, right now. Especially because the A wasn't just a fling. How do you explain 7 years?? 7 yrs is a big relationship/chunk of time to just pretend didn't exist. I think that's my biggest problem here. I think that might be a bit daunting for him to have to deal with. And this is not going to be a quick conversation. I'm not about to do this unless we have time to discuss it so no stone is left unturned.

 

AC, you also make another good point. He has told me some things about things he did (not A-wise), that gave me pause. And he's quite embarrassed about them as well. He has learned some hard lessons as well. But I have made the decision to not hold those things against him, rather to deal with our R as it is now and again, hopefully his own lessons learned.

 

GEL, thanks also. I appreciate that you feel that way.

 

Thing is, I do a lot of soul searching about this.

[scaredinlove]

I don't know if this has been discussed before, but I don't think it has lately.

 

I'm just going to throw the question out here, and then, if necessary, fill in some more details to see if you change your mind.

 

Question:

 

If you have had an A, and then you move on and start dating and become serious with the new person, should you tell him/her you had an A?

 

 

I ask myself this question all the time now...cannot find the right answer , depend on the person. The only thing I learned about reletionships is that everything you say will be used against you sometime in the near future. But them I was involved with a Jerk for 14 years so my vision is clouded.

 

My MM almost ex told me that he had cheated on his wife before, many times. And I stayed with him for 4 years and to be honest if he would be with me full time would be with him many more years without fear of him cheating on me, why? I don't know but it wouldn't stop me. i am a cheater too and I know I did it because I had to survive a very abusive relationship. Now of course I am a woman and I don't want be prejudeced but guys have a much harder time accapting a woman that was a cheater. I would probably tell the next guy right away only because I promissed myself i wont ever lie to myself again.If he cannot accept me for what I am or was than he must hit the road. If I learned anything in this mess that I live now is that the old saying " the thruth shall set you free " is very much trth and it is my motto now. No more lying to me. good luck moving on, follow your heart and you will know what to do.

[movinon05]

Well now I have to take this question one step further. (Got all my Christmas shopping done, I think I just have too much time on my hands! lol).

 

I have talked to a very good/wise friend of mine about this and she has said basically the same thing as what one of the guests posted here:

 

if this new person had nothing to do with your past [ie; is not the bf or hubby / gf or wife or the one you had an affair with] then i do not see how it matters. maybe later down the road, if talking about things like that came up, i would say yes - but this person is not would not be concerned or effected by your past, more likely thinking about the present and the future with u.

 

My friend also said "It is none of his business."

 

That got me to thinking about some things in my past, skeletons if you will. As AC said, we all have them in different shapes and sizes. There are a couple things in my past that I rarely, if ever, share with anyone. Those little things have shaped me too, but they are not something I care to share. Like drinking so much in college, I passed out and pissed the bed. (Okay, well now I've told the whole world that one and it didn't really shape me, but I digress!)

 

But the question begs to be asked. If some of our past is "nobody's business", what, if anything in our past, is somebody's business?

 

Or is it really "none of his business"?

[scaredinlove]

It is only his business if you want it to be. I was thinking further and thought if there is no way that he will ever find out and you don't feel comfortsble so leave it. The only problem is that the closer you get and the more he knows the people around you who probably know your past ,the bigger is the chance of him finding out. Though decision, like a said it depend on the other person. I would just tell everything because I am sure mu ex would find a way of informing the new one, and also I wouldn't want to live with that fear in the back of my mind. Right now you just want him to love you but is afraid he may not love you as much if he find what you did. We all make mistakes and learn from it. If it makes you unconfortable let it be. I agree with your friend and I will say more , your personal life is PERSONAL, it is up to you to choose what to share. Good luck!

[Plungebob]

There is one thing I would have to disagree with and that would be Plungebob's comment. I'm not pretending to be something I'm not, nor am I trying to win over someone's heart by lying.

 

*puzzled* MO5, I had no idea what you would do in that situation, nor have I appointed myself to sit in the judgement seat over my fellow human beings. I thought your OP question was about what WE would do in our own lives. Having been recently faced with this particular question, it was very easy for me to answer.

 

My post absolutely was not meant as a reflection on anyone but myself, and it solely and specifically addressed what I would do if asked point blank. Had I realized that it could be interpolated as an attack on your character, I certainly would have articulated it differently!

 

I have not lied to him. He has never asked me if I cheated. He has never asked me why I left my M. If he ever does, I would have to be honest with him because that is the way I am and then I would want the cards out on the table.

 

And that's my position precisely, so I see no cause for you to be offended by my previous post. My sincere apologies if its wording created a misunderstanding.

[movinon05]

*puzzled* MO5, I had no idea what you would do in that situation, nor have I appointed myself to sit in the judgement seat over my fellow human beings. I thought your OP question was about what WE would do in our own lives. Having been recently faced with this particular question, it was very easy for me to answer.

 

My post absolutely was not meant as a reflection on anyone but myself, and it solely and specifically addressed what I would do if asked point blank. Had I realized that it could be interpolated as an attack on your character, I certainly would have articulated it differently!

 

 

 

And that's my position precisely, so I see no cause for you to be offended by my previous post. My sincere apologies if its wording created a misunderstanding.

 

Hey PB,

 

I'm not offended in any way. I just disagreed with you, that's all. And also wanted to point out that that is not how I feel my situation is. This is merely a discussion. I'm open to opinions and such, trying to look at all sides! Sometimes I agree, sometimes I don't. No harm, no foul.

[lovernotafighter]

I don't know if this has been discussed before, but I don't think it has lately.

 

I'm just going to throw the question out here, and then, if necessary, fill in some more details to see if you change your mind.

 

Question:

 

If you have had an A, and then you move on and start dating and become serious with the new person, should you tell him/her you had an A?

 

I say thats should be left up to you...in my case when I start to date and maybe find someone special I might consider it..however having a affair has taught me much but to me Id leave it as ' I dated this person' and leave it at that.

 

I am who i am now not the person in the affair..my past shall stay right where it is and me is looking into the future..the past is only relivent as who I am...but if they know me they don't need the sorted details unless it effects them personally.