Should I leave?? Need advice...

[confucious]

I posted this in breaking up too as I am not sure where it really fits...

 

 

 

Hey all - I am having a very hard time with this relationship, thought I would post to vent and maybe get some perspective.

 

has been almost six months with a wonderful girl - we have soo much in common, I find her beautiful, intelligent, witty, fun, basically everything I would need or want in someone. Except one thing...

 

I am starting to learn that, while she is extremely loving in words and actions, tends to do or not do things that I find to be thoughtless. This ends up confusing me or hurting my feelings and the resulting attempt to convey this or openly "solve" it with her ends in a fight. The "things" she does are trifling, and I won't go into them, but they basically make me feel that though she SEEMS to be with me heart and soul, she really isn't.

 

This one example perhaps sums it all up pretty well...I was ill, went into the hospital, when discharged I went home to rest for the weekend. She came over late Thursday(the night I was discharged), booked off work Friday and took care of me until Friday aft when she had a lunch planned with a friend. I was really touched and told her how much it meant to me that she was happy to do this for me to which she replied "I wouldn't call it HAPPY." She then went a two hour drive away for the weekend and never even called (I would have been happy with a collect call from the house she was at) to see how I was doing...If it had been me I would definitely have called.

 

NOw, I know this sounds trifling, but beyond making me feel like a burden I couldn't help but think that when she is sick I really am genuinely HAPPY to take care of her - I love her and so genuinely enjoy trying to make her feel better, even if it is just making her feel secure and giving her some company.

 

This kind of thing happens out of the blue and usually becomes a problem when I am feeling especially close to her. When I bring things up she focuses on the "action" and not the meaning and significance behind it, refuses to address anything else which gets me flustered and angry. Finally she will either say she wants to go home, actually GO home, or sit in silence. Awhile back she even suggested we get drunk together less often to stop the fights...I admit the drinking clouded things, but it was not the source of the fights although she still believes it is/was. It is like she doesn't WANT to admit there is anything "wrong" with our relationship.

 

I am not sure if I am being over sensitive - I admit that in retrospect the things that cause fights can seem minor but that doesn't erase the fact that it makes me feel estranged from her, or as though I am just her buddy and not someone who she spends 4-5 days a week with, confides in, and is romantically involved with.

 

We faught two days ago and have not spoken since. I guess my quandry is - do I ignore how she makes me feel and put it down to me being too sensitive or do I admit I need more, tell a woman I love that I can't be with her and try to move on. I can't change her - I can only change me, but should I have to?? Should I move on believing there is somebody out there who will be more aware and caring for how I feel??

 

Lost and confused and really needing some help.

[Walk]

I can't help but think the problems are mostly communication based. If you expected/needed her to call while she was out of town, then it might have been better to express that before she went. I'm not saying you're wrong, or you should change. I don't think that. But, this might be a case of two people's ideas on what is expected/needed differing. It's not an insurmountable obsticle... as long as both of you work together to resolve these problems. But your post reads as though she is running away every time you get a little upset and try to talk to her about it.

 

Try working on the communication aspect more. Both pre and post areas. Might take you guys a long while to figure out all the differences in your views, but if she's at least trying to work with you, then I don't think you should give up. Assuming everything else is going well, and you think she's worth it that is.

 

I also wouldn't tolerate the running away and hiding thing she's doing. But, I'm not quite sure how you'd want to handle that. I'd let her know that she has the option to take as much time as she needs to cool off, or collect her thoughts, but that she needs to communicate with you regarding what she's doing.. otherwise she's sending the message that she doesn't care about the relationship and wants it to end. I'd be blunt. That's what she's implying... let her know how you read the situation. If she doesn't mean that, then let her give her side of the story. If she won't talk to you at all.... well... I guess that was her message.

 

But it's rude, disrespectful and is causing a break down in the relationship when she chooses to act in this way. Be honest about how you feel and what you need from her; be open to her thoughts and views; try to find comprimise or understanding. If all that fails, then I'd say you should probably throw in the towel.

 

The communication has to be from both sides. Ask her to help you with it.

[brickaney]

I was really touched and told her how much it meant to me that she was happy to do this for me to which she replied "I wouldn't call it HAPPY." ... never even called ...

When I bring things up she focuses on the "action" and not the meaning and significance behind it...

It is like she doesn't WANT to admit there is anything "wrong" with our relationship.

I guess my quandry is - do I ignore how she makes me feel and put it down to me being too sensitive or do I admit I need more, tell a woman I love that I can't be with her and try to move on. I can't change her - I can only change me, but should I have to?? Should I move on believing there is somebody out there who will be more aware and caring for how I feel??

 

Lost and confused and really needing some help.

 

She's not even TRYING to even pretend to act loving. She has issues & I doubt most if any are your fault/ even related to you. She wants to upset you so she can blame your "sensitivity" on the problems. You aren't even being "overly sensitive". You're genuinely appreciative of the things she does for you & she has no heart in any of it. She isn't even trying.

 

Please leave her before it gets too complicated. She's using you & taking out her deep resentments on you. She won't be too hurt since she isn't even really in the relationship. Her "actress" might actually come out & try to convince you she's sorry & it was a one time thing & she's not really like that deep down, yadda yadda yadda.

 

Anyone in any relationship deserves respect. You are not getting any from her & never will. She's very self-centered & will only drag you down by blaming you for her problems. You do not need to change for anybody. Things aren't working out with you two & they aren't going to. Please save yourself time & pain & end it.

 

Would you rather die a slow, grueling death or a quick one? get it over with before she has time to devise a new plan to keep you waiting for her to change.