confucious Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 Hey all - I am having a very hard time with this relationship, thought I would post to vent and maybe get some perspective. has been almost six months with a wonderful girl - we have soo much in common, I find her beautiful, intelligent, witty, fun, basically everything I would need or want in someone. Except one thing... I am starting to learn that, while she is extremely loving in words and actions, tends to do or not do things that I find to be thoughtless. This ends up confusing me or hurting my feelings and the resulting attempt to convey this or openly "solve" it with her ends in a fight. The "things" she does are trifling, and I won't go into them, but they basically make me feel that though she SEEMS to be with me heart and soul, she really isn't. This one example perhaps sums it all up pretty well...I was ill, went into the hospital, when discharged I went home to rest for the weekend. She came over late Thursday(the night I was discharged), booked off work Friday and took care of me until Friday aft when she had a lunch planned with a friend. I was really touched and told her how much it meant to me that she was happy to do this for me to which she replied "I wouldn't call it HAPPY." She then went a two hour drive away for the weekend and never even called (I would have been happy with a collect call from the house she was at) to see how I was doing...If it had been me I would definitely have called. NOw, I know this sounds trifling, but beyond making me feel like a burden I couldn't help but think that when she is sick I really am genuinely HAPPY to take care of her - I love her and so genuinely enjoy trying to make her feel better, even if it is just making her feel secure and giving her some company. This kind of thing happens out of the blue and usually becomes a problem when I am feeling especially close to her. When I bring things up she focuses on the "action" and not the meaning and significance behind it, refuses to address anything else which gets me flustered and angry. Finally she will either say she wants to go home, actually GO home, or sit in silence. Awhile back she even suggested we get drunk together less often to stop the fights...I admit the drinking clouded things, but it was not the source of the fights although she still believes it is/was. It is like she doesn't WANT to admit there is anything "wrong" with our relationship. I am not sure if I am being over sensitive - I admit that in retrospect the things that cause fights can seem minor but that doesn't erase the fact that it makes me feel estranged from her, or as though I am just her buddy and not someone who she spends 4-5 days a week with, confides in, and is romantically involved with. We faught two days ago and have not spoken since. I guess my quandry is - do I ignore how she makes me feel and put it down to me being too sensitive or do I admit I need more, tell a woman I love that I can't be with her and try to move on. I can't change her - I can only change me, but should I have to?? Should I move on believing there is somebody out there who will be more aware and caring for how I feel?? Lost and confused and really needing some help.
notmakingsense Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 You may be a bit needy for this woman. Not to say that you are too needy for all women, but I think that these little incidents are signs that she is turned off to this aspect of your personality. She is starting to use these occurances as reasons to distance herself from you. If you are unhappy about the balance of desire between you, then you should contemplate breaking it off and finding a woman who is more in balance with you with regards to this. Regardless of your decision, one thing you should do right away is distance yourself a bit from this woman. Back way off. Let her do the calling. Prove to her and yourself that you really don't need her. Use the time apart from her to look inward and decide if your personalities are not aligned. If you are new to relationships in general, and if you have issues with your relationships to other women or your parents, you may need to think about yourself a bit more. I can't really tell though. Just think about it.
Ariadne Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 Hi, I can't change her - I can only change me, but should I have to?? Should I move on believing there is somebody out there who will be more aware and caring for how I feel?? Oh, you complicate things too much. It's very simple. Do you want to be with her or not? Ariadne
Love Hurts Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Add stress of everyday into the equation…..she may have needed a break ….. You’re not married …. It’s ok for her to want her space and breath. Relax take it one day at a time. Take Care
Author confucious Posted December 23, 2006 Author Posted December 23, 2006 So, spoke with her yesterday (after 2 days of silence on both our sides) and she basically gave me an ultimatum...I stop getting upset with her or she walks for good. We talked for a good 4 hours, which I feel was maybe the most succesful talk we have had to date though that is still not saying much, and I managed to get her to see that many of our problems were not just one sided (IE: me making something up to get upset about). I agreed my quick temper needs to be held in check (I never swear, insult, or threaten her - I just get irate quickly, always have) and that I am willing to go back to my psychologist...one condition I had was that she work WITH me to stop these fights...that she try harder to listen and comminicate with me effectively about what is going on in our relationship. At first she flat out refused saying it was not her responsibility. After awhile she seemed to start to understand MY view which is a relationship is a team effort - it takes two to fix something. I think what really opened my eyes to how wrong she may be for me is she never once tried to have a constructive conversation about our fights - her idea of a constructive convo was telling me she didn't like it when I got mad, that it scared her (just to reiterate, I NEVER threaten/intimidate or abuse her verbally or otherwise...she just frustrates me to no end in these instances)...her next communication with me is the above ultimatum - you change or we're done. She twisted the knife further with her complete and adamant refusal to work WITH me, to talk about how she could help curb, stop, defuse, or moderate our fights - ie: if I get loud ask me quietly not to raise my voice, or just listen to what I have to say and talk it through rather than contradicting, reiterating and then shutting up/leaving. She said it was not her responsibility. WTF - We are on a break til after x-mas right now at which point she said she wanted to try again but take it slow. I told her I did not want to try again unless she was 100% sure she wanted it for herself, ie: not because she felt sorry for me...she assured me she did. We hugged, stifled tears, said we loved eachother - all choked up and all, and went our seperate ways. Only problem is - I am not sure if I can do it...I think notmakingsense may be right - I need to much from this woman, I need what she cannot give. Either that or she just doesn't love me like I love her or loves in a DIFFERENT way. In any case, perhaps with her I will always be unhappy with her level of effort and nonchalance, which in turn will make her feel stifled and trapped. I love her, and she loves me - we have talked of a 6 month trip to Asia, touched on the subject of living together in the future, a trip to her hometown in the summer to meet her family (I couldn't go a month ago though she asked me soooo many times, she wanted so badly for me to see her home.family.friends). I guess I don't understand her refusal to talk about anything, her rapid jump to dire ultimatums, her refusal to work with and accept any portion of the effort and responsibility in us working things out. This refusal is not new - she has refused to "talk" constructively about anything in our relationship...it is always ME talking and her usually sitting silently...after we are "done" I feel good about it until I realize I was the one saying almost everything...she was just there. Ironically - the last time we faught was the only time I didn';tr follow up the next day with contact and communication...an effort to bring back the closeness. Instead, I made no contact and voila, the sh8t hits the fan. I think either she was just ready to blow or got freaked by my no contact...she doesn't ever let on to weakness so how will I ever know?? Sorry for my rant - just confused, lost, missing her and scared of the thought that she is not good for me. I want so badly to be close to her again, hold her, share with her but there is a logical part that says it will never work... How do we reconcile logic and emotion and if we do, does it just cause more pain?? aaaarrrgggghhhh.....
notmakingsense Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 I think you are making a case for why it doesn't make sense to continue things with this woman.... you have only been with her for 6 months, and you are wrestling with things that are deep differences between you to. Not a good sign.
MagnoliaJane Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Confucious, During a discussion/argument, when she keeps quiet, have you ever tried to ask her questions instead of engaging in a one-side conversation? Asking direct questions might be a good way of hearing more about how she feels, or whether she wants to share something about herself with you at all... She sure sounds like a tough cookie, and the way you are reacting to her doesn't seem to make it better. Why not try something else, that is, if you still find the energy for it... Turn the roles around. When you get irritated, say calmly that you need some fresh air and time to think and that you will come back when she is ready to talk with you. It might not help because she doesn't seem too much like the talking kind of person, but at least that leaves you with your self-esteem in tact.
fooled Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 She sounds like a narcissist and you are co-dependent. Never a good mix. I know - I just got out of the same situation. Bottom line - you're not right for each other. Don't look at what could be, look at what it is. You both deserve to be happy - and neither of you are. So, go NC - and know that there are a lot of days ahead of you to find the woman who IS right for you.
Ariadne Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Hi, Sorry for my rant - just confused, lost, missing her and scared of the thought that she is not good for me. I want so badly to be close to her again, hold her, share with her but there is a logical part that says it will never work... I think you don't have a snowball's chance in hell with her. But I think you are not ready to quit her as yet. Ariadne
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