Vertex Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Your BF knew that by asking/saying something along the lines of "but I won't go if you don't want me to" it'd be an easy way to guilt or manipulate you into agreeing to let him go. If you say no you're the unreasonable girlfriend that gets to deal with his sulking NYE and let it ruin the holiday. Whether or not you feel as if a man is trying to manipulate you into an answer doesn't matter -- you can't say "he was going to do this and he would have acted like this" and use that as a justification necessarily. What HAPPENS is what's important. She didn't stand up for her wishes and said he could go. If you say no, you aren't being the unreasonable girlfriend -- you're being the girl that spears her mind and communicates. If he stayed and sulked, then that's an entirely separate issue that deserves its own attention. Saying "Sucks, looks like neither of us is going then" is a bit unreasonable to me because then you're simply trying to force a consensus without any communication. It doesn't matter if the OP felt like he was trying to play a mind game one way or the other -- all she had to do is acknowledge he wanted to go, but suggest that she'd rather spend NYE with him instead. You'll find that so many of these problems are so easily fixed with a little bit of talking. Acting out of anticipation of a reaction is not a rational approach because anticipations are predictions -- it makes no sense to get upset over something that has a chance of not occurring. If she really pushed her point and he left her high and dry, then maybe it is a sign that he doesn't really care about what the OP feels, especially if he did this last year. You just gotta speak your mind yo.
norajane Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 My read on this is the OP is upset that he didn't tell his friend right away that he couldn't take the ticket because he already had plans with her. He showed her that he didn't prioritize their romantic night as being more important than whatever else came up. I can see how that would hurt.
brickaney Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 And the POINT as I understood was to share view points and thoughts. Not wander around with blinders on. you obviously can't handle my honesty or stretch your perspective enough to even begin to understand what the hell i'm saying, just stop replying to my posts cuz you're not saying anything accept "i don't understand you, i don't want to, i agree with the op" over and over with different words. i dont believe repetition helps the poster either. PLUS you're the only one defending her. she can't even defend herself. she is doing the same thing as you "repeating herself over and over" instead of answering our questions or even giving any good reasons. "feelings" aren't always a good justification since there's no proving them. you can't define them so don't use it in your arguement. simple facts of life: -she said "Go if you really want to"> that completely left the decision up to him. -he made his decision -she is resentful about lord knows (probly last nye) and since she has this opportunity to do it, she gets upset with him. I think it's great she's letting out those resentful feelings, in the least, I just don't agree with her timing because it DOES make her sound stupid. She's probly a really intellegent person. She probly deserves a better boyfriend. I'm just saying that this situation is VERY simple and the fact that neither of you can even begin to see the other side of it, makes you both sound narrow minded and her sound "stupid", again, because I define stupidity as: -not taking in other views/ perspectives -not grasping other views/ perspectives -staying stagnant in views/ perspectives -thinKing any relationship is "me me me" ^which comes from her narrow mindedness & incapacity to take on another perspective. If she can't admit to any of this then she's just proved my point. And the POINT as I understood was to share view points and thoughts. Not wander around with blinders on.
brickaney Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Honesty creates trust & trust is the basis of any relationship. Sure soemtimes honesty hurts like in telling your boyfriend you'd rather spend nye with him than him go to a party. He's your BOYFRIEND. HE WILL UNDERSTAND. He's been with you for two years. I highly highly doubt he is playing mind games and tyring to hurt your feelings. IF HE DIDN'T LOVE YOU HE WOULDN'T HAVE STAYED WITH YOU FOR TWO YEARS. Why is everyone accusing this guy of being a jerk? Why is there this like anti-man vibe in here? Not many people here seem to understand men in the least & yet they're passing judgement on one who isn't even able to defend himself. Let alone the op stopped replying because she knows she's wrong. Walk is fighting for her now, why? Walk this isn't even your problem. She can't even defend herself, she has to have someone else do it. How strong is her case if she can't even argue it? We need some guys to reply just to prove that this bf of hers isn't a jerk, didn't intentionally go to piss her off, & deserves her honesty.
rainfall Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Her boyfriend did nothing wrong. She told him to go if he wanted to. Men don't like to play games and try to guess what women mean. She could have avoided this whole thing if she just told him not to go.
norajane Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Her boyfriend did nothing wrong. She told him to go if he wanted to. Men don't like to play games and try to guess what women mean. She could have avoided this whole thing if she just told him not to go. You really don't think he did anything wrong at all? Even though they had plans in the first place? He could have avoided this whole thing if he had kept their plans without trying to change them. Isn't that the point of making plans? I lived in San Francisco for 6 years and I noticed that people there had really lackadaisical attitudes about making and breaking plans. My entire first year there, I thought I must be doing something to alienate them because people kept breaking plans at the last minute. After more time there, I realized people there just think that plans aren't firm, ever. They're always tentative, just in case something better comes along or they can't be bothered to go out that night and it's nothing personal. But it's still rude. I think what he did was rude, regardless of how he did it.
Touche Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Well, NJ beat me to it. I was going to post saying the bottom line here is that what he did was RUDE. It was rude and inconsiderate. This has nothing whatsoever to do with reading minds and blah blah, yada, yada. A considerate man would have declined the invitation saying he already had plans with his g/f. Period and end of story. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be with a guy who treated ME that way.
brickaney Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 You really don't think he did anything wrong at all? Even though they had plans in the first place? He could have avoided this whole thing if he had kept their plans without trying to change them. Isn't that the point of making plans? I lived in San Francisco for 6 years and I noticed that people there had really lackadaisical attitudes about making and breaking plans. My entire first year there, I thought I must be doing something to alienate them because people kept breaking plans at the last minute. After more time there, I realized people there just think that plans aren't firm, ever. They're always tentative, just in case something better comes along or they can't be bothered to go out that night and it's nothing personal. But it's still rude. I think what he did was rude, regardless of how he did it. He didn't do it last minute... new years eve is a week away what the hell are you talking about? hahahahahaha and apparently their arguement occured more than a week before new years eve PLUS she said she "wanted" to do something with him, NOT she "was going to do something with him". This girl isn't even defending her point of view anymore because she can't prove it. The only people defending her seem to have their own resentments with this type of situation & feel the need to take them out here.
norajane Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Brickaney, you seem to have your own axe to grind, whatever it is. As for why the OP isn't here, perhaps she's having Christmas with her family...
Touche Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 He didn't do it last minute... new years eve is a week away what the hell are you talking about? hahahahahaha and apparently their arguement occured more than a week before new years eve PLUS she said she "wanted" to do something with him, NOT she "was going to do something with him". This girl isn't even defending her point of view anymore because she can't prove it. The only people defending her seem to have their own resentments with this type of situation & feel the need to take them out here. Uhm..sorry but in MY book that IS last minute. Oh and P.S., I have no agenda....never had anyone do that to me but I recognize rude and inconsiderate behavior when I see it.
brickaney Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 He has a friend who's a DJ, and his friend told him he could put his name on the list to go to a sold-out New Year's Eve rock concert. BF asked if I wanted to go and asked his friend to put my name on the list, too. Turns out his friend can't do that because he only had one spot left. So I told BF that I would love to spend NYE with him, but I didn't want him to miss the concert if he really wanted to go. I wanted him to make the decision... This was posted December 21st. Lord nows that this even happened on that day, one & a half weeks BEFORE new years eve. They both took a chance to go to the concert. Neither of them recognized whether or not this dj was reliable enough to get both of them in. AND She gave him the power to make the decision. The end.
Touche Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Yeah, she gave him the power and he made the WRONG decision. And made it at the last minute to boot.
norajane Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 This was posted December 21st. Lord nows that this even happened on that day, one & a half weeks BEFORE new years eve. They both took a chance to go to the concert. Neither of them recognized whether or not this dj was reliable enough to get both of them in. AND She gave him the power to make the decision. The end. She didn't give him any power. He always had the power to tell his friend no, but he chose not to. You cannot convince me that if your guy came to you and did the same thing on your birthday, that you wouldn't be hurt that he even considered doing something else rather than spending it with you. It doesn't matter whether you would have told him no. You'd still know that he didn't automatically think that of course, he'd spend your birthday with you and anything else was out of the question.
rainfall Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 You really don't think he did anything wrong at all? Even though they had plans in the first place? He could have avoided this whole thing if he had kept their plans without trying to change them. Isn't that the point of making plans? I think what he did was rude, regardless of how he did it. No I really don't think he did anything wrong. What is the big deal? A concert came up and he asked his gf is she cared if he went. S She said go if you really want to. Well he did what she told him to. I think it is rude of her to get mad at her boyfriend, for not passing on something she told him to do just so he could show his love to her.......
rainfall Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 She didn't give him any power. He always had the power to tell his friend no, but he chose not to. You cannot convince me that if your guy came to you and did the same thing on your birthday, that you wouldn't be hurt that he even considered doing something else rather than spending it with you. It doesn't matter whether you would have told him no. You'd still know that he didn't automatically think that of course, he'd spend your birthday with you and anything else was out of the question. Something like this actually happened with me and my boyfriend. A concert he wanted to go to was going to be in a town close by and his best friend won tickets. The concert actually was on my birthday. (which is the day before valentines BTW). So by him going to the concert I missed out on spending my bday and valentines with him because he would be out of town for the weekened. You know what. It wasn't a big deal to me. I went out and had a blast with my friends and the next weekend we went out for valentines and my bday. No I didn't think, "Oh my god my bf hates me, I am not going to get to spend my bday with him. Something important to him came up and he won't pass on it for me. So he must not love me." I thought, "Hey have fun. Call me when you get back to your friends house so I know you are safe."
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