Is it too late?

[stanchain]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

 

"I have noticed that those of us here, tend to be the ones that are plauged by the memory of loves lost. Our ex is not pimping this site. They do not sit and pine after you. They have moved on. Take this example: past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you (we are very slowly accepting this and we are very, very pissed off)."

 

Devon.. this stands out to me everytime i read anything on here... I mean if you read any of my post you would know i feel you...infact check out my thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=107141

But the best advice i can give you is something everybody has told me on here... NC. in fact legs put it best...""I am not going to participate in this emotional roller coaster because it is wreaking havoc on me. I have stated my desire to try to work out our problems and when you decide unequivocally that you also want that, THEN you can call me. Until then I think we both need time to think without interference."

 

but read my thread and see if it is similar to your situation... sounds like it kinda is

[alphamale]

Please advise on what I can do to make her regain her feelings.

there is nothing you can do besides stay away from her and date other chicks. if she finds out you're with other girls she may get jelous and reconsider. but that is the only way.

[devon1]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

 

"I have noticed that those of us here, tend to be the ones that are plauged by the memory of loves lost. Our ex is not pimping this site. They do not sit and pine after you. They have moved on. Take this example: past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you (we are very slowly accepting this and we are very, very pissed off)."

 

Devon.. this stands out to me everytime i read anything on here... I mean if you read any of my post you would know i feel you...infact check out my thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=107141

But the best advice i can give you is something everybody has told me on here... NC. in fact legs put it best...""I am not going to participate in this emotional roller coaster because it is wreaking havoc on me. I have stated my desire to try to work out our problems and when you decide unequivocally that you also want that, THEN you can call me. Until then I think we both need time to think without interference."

 

but read my thread and see if it is similar to your situation... sounds like it kinda is

 

I think that your situation is a bit different from mine. In that she actually told me that she lost her feelings and that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now.

 

I asked if there's a chance that we can get back together. She said maybe, but also told me not to keep hoping.

 

To me I feel that she's confused, she doesn't want to hurt me so she doesn't want me to wait. I think that she's just doing all this so that she can get a hold of her hectic life before she thinks about anything other than herself.

 

Am I making sense?

[stanchain]

Oh wait.... I went through that the first week or so.. but this has been going on for basically a month. At first she said that she was not in love with me anymore... and we went back and forth for a week or 2. The i said forget it no contact.. .after like 5 days she was calling me and actually stopped by my house unanounced saying how she loved me and she was sorry for leaving and things of that nature. And since then more of the same. she went as far as saying she could see herself marrying me but just needs some time to make sure this is what she wants... So i have gone through the whole gambit of her emotions. and of course mine.. which leads me to nothing more than utter confusion. If you have the strength.. which is hard and you want her back... no contact is not only the best.. but the only way to go in my opinion

[devon1]

Well for my case, she hasn't told me or showed that she still has feelings for me. So I guess in that aspect, it's different

 

But I understand what you're getting at.

[devon1]

I feel terrible. I woke up today crying. I'm not sure why but it could've been a mixture of the helplessness, frustration and confusion that I still feel.

 

I keep telling myself to let go and move on. Maybe one day she will come back. But I have to move on from this stage.

 

I bought a journal and wrote all my thoughts and feelings inside. I have a plan to win her back if she still loves me or just move on. And STEP ONE says BE HAPPY.

 

I feel awful. My friends worry about me and hate to see me so depressed but no matter how they try I seem to crash down again and again.

 

Does anyone have any idea what I can do? I have read a lot of threads here but I just can't seem to make things work. I'm actually tempted to seek the advice of a therapist.

[stanchain]

I dont think or know if I have any words of wisdom other than what i have heard and read on here. but who am I to give advice... i just went to the store and saw my ex's car at her friends house (we live a couple blocks from one another). But what i will tell you is something that many a person has told me on here... be strong. If you want her back the only chance that you have is NC. period. If you beg, or plead, or anything of that nature it is not going to work. Get out of the house, see a movie.. find a new booty call.. whatever you do get your mind off of her. I mean Devon.. me and you are in the same boat pretty much. I mean I sat around my house all day by myself thinking about how nice it would be to be able to spend today with her. but the simple fact is if she wanted to be here with me she would... just like your girl. If they wanted to be with us.. they would be with us. I think like you... i mean... I wonder if she thinks about me, I wonder how she can just walk away, (expecially when she is 21 and her new friend is 17). and things of that nature... but to put it simply... it does not matter. the only things that matter is us being happy

[notmakingsense]

Time, friends, activities, and yes, maybe therapy is what it might take. Therapy may be necessary if you you are getting severely depressed. The holidays are an especially depressing time for many people, so you might want to wait to see how you feel in another week or two.

[flow]

devon1, i can feel for you. i am kind of in a similar situation, except that i am a woman, and will start strict NC with my ex bf from tomorrow. no excuse to make any contact at all.

 

people do need space to think and to miss. funny thing with my situation is: when he first broke my trust in him, i just wanted to leave the relationship. he kept begging and pleading and doing all kinds of little things to please me, but i just got angrier and felt suffocated which finally led to an explosion of my negative emotions. after our broke-up in anger, he started to retreat, and i started to think more and more about his good qualities and tried to work things out with him again. but he kept retreating, and i reached out for him for a few days, but have realized that maybe he was really tired of everything, i mean, the emotional roller coaster, no matter who was wrong in the first place. i am now thinking what it would be like if we do get together without having enough time and space to become normal, calm, fresh and "better" ourselves. some of the old issues may still come out if they are not thought through and dealt with, by each person individually and independently.

 

my ex bf used to have the fear that if he did not do anything and just left me alone, i might just decide to walk away. that was a justifiable fear, which i am also experiencing now. we are scared if we cannot control the outcome which we desire, and would very much like to work hard and think if we work hard enough, things will get better. well, my ex bf's and my recent experience just told that it does not work if you are working hard on things you just don't have control over. other people's feelings belong to them, and deserve respect.

 

i still have feelings for my ex bf and felt sorry that i must have hurt him while healing my own hurt feelings. i don't know if he still has any for me, but that does not really matter that much now. no need for me to get over him if he never reaches out for me. we were together for reasons; and now we are apart also for reasons. they do not disappear now simply because we hope things will work out. things will work out their own way, and to a different and probably not desirable way if with too much pressure from us.

 

i have sent my ex bf an email basically telling him i have true feelings for him and would like to build a meaningful relationship with him. that is all i can do and will do for now.

 

i guess we all know what it looks and feels like when someone really desires to be around you. when this particular person is not sure or not interested, you could tell although you try very hard to deny it. if you have let her know that you really want to be with her, that is wonderful and very romantic. but please try to save some of your love words for the moment when they would speak loudest to her. right now, leave her alone for a while.

 

it is hard, but you can do it. and in my experience, trying to control your feelings for someone might just make you feel worse. so let the feelings flow, but keep them with yourself, and wish the best for the person which you say you love, whether or not he/she will come back to you.

 

by moving on, you are not losing anything. you will become stronger and better, and might just catch her along the way.

[theplastickid]

devon1, i can feel for you. i am kind of in a similar situation, except that i am a woman, and will start strict NC with my ex bf from tomorrow. no excuse to make any contact at all.

 

people do need space to think and to miss. funny thing with my situation is: when he first broke my trust in him, i just wanted to leave the relationship. he kept begging and pleading and doing all kinds of little things to please me, but i just got angrier and felt suffocated which finally led to an explosion of my negative emotions. after our broke-up in anger, he started to retreat, and i started to think more and more about his good qualities and tried to work things out with him again. but he kept retreating, and i reached out for him for a few days, but have realized that maybe he was really tired of everything, i mean, the emotional roller coaster, no matter who was wrong in the first place. i am now thinking what it would be like if we do get together without having enough time and space to become normal, calm, fresh and "better" ourselves. some of the old issues may still come out if they are not thought through and dealt with, by each person individually and independently.

 

my ex bf used to have the fear that if he did not do anything and just left me alone, i might just decide to walk away. that was a justifiable fear, which i am also experiencing now. we are scared if we cannot control the outcome which we desire, and would very much like to work hard and think if we work hard enough, things will get better. well, my ex bf's and my recent experience just told that it does not work if you are working hard on things you just don't have control over. other people's feelings belong to them, and deserve respect.

 

i still have feelings for my ex bf and felt sorry that i must have hurt him while healing my own hurt feelings. i don't know if he still has any for me, but that does not really matter that much now. no need for me to get over him if he never reaches out for me. we were together for reasons; and now we are apart also for reasons. they do not disappear now simply because we hope things will work out. things will work out their own way, and to a different and probably not desirable way if with too much pressure from us.

 

i have sent my ex bf an email basically telling him i have true feelings for him and would like to build a meaningful relationship with him. that is all i can do and will do for now.

 

i guess we all know what it looks and feels like when someone really desires to be around you. when this particular person is not sure or not interested, you could tell although you try very hard to deny it. if you have let her know that you really want to be with her, that is wonderful and very romantic. but please try to save some of your love words for the moment when they would speak loudest to her. right now, leave her alone for a while.

 

it is hard, but you can do it. and in my experience, trying to control your feelings for someone might just make you feel worse. so let the feelings flow, but keep them with yourself, and wish the best for the person which you say you love, whether or not he/she will come back to you.

 

by moving on, you are not losing anything. you will become stronger and better, and might just catch her along the way.

Very wise words flow. My mother recommended a song to my by Joss Stone "Less is More" you should listen to it.

[Lost2634]

I know exactly how broken hearted you are. I was with someone for 8 years when he decided to leave me for the girl in our circle of friends he had been cheating with (although they both denied the cheating). That was almost 2 years ago and I haven't had contact with him for about a year and a half. I still miss him and think about him everyday. Just this morning I was trying to talk myself into calling him, but is it worth it? Will it only break my heart again? Problem is that when we were going through the worst part of the break up, we changed our cell phone numbers. I will have to call his parent's house..and I'm pretty sure he lives with this girl now. For 8 years he was my best friend..I miss him so much it hurts.

In your situation I think that as long as she knows how you feel and the lines of communication are open (meaning she has a way to contact you) then let her come to you. I lost my 23 year old cousin in 2005 and my biggest thing since is that make sure you tell people exactly how you feel no matter what. I'm no good at the advice thing and actually need some myself, but I do fell strongly about that one thing..

[devon1]

I dont think or know if I have any words of wisdom other than what i have heard and read on here. but who am I to give advice... i just went to the store and saw my ex's car at her friends house (we live a couple blocks from one another). But what i will tell you is something that many a person has told me on here... be strong. If you want her back the only chance that you have is NC. period. If you beg, or plead, or anything of that nature it is not going to work. Get out of the house, see a movie.. find a new booty call.. whatever you do get your mind off of her. I mean Devon.. me and you are in the same boat pretty much. I mean I sat around my house all day by myself thinking about how nice it would be to be able to spend today with her. but the simple fact is if she wanted to be here with me she would... just like your girl. If they wanted to be with us.. they would be with us. I think like you... i mean... I wonder if she thinks about me, I wonder how she can just walk away, (expecially when she is 21 and her new friend is 17). and things of that nature... but to put it simply... it does not matter. the only things that matter is us being happy

 

 

I understand what you mean dude. I have been out all day. And have my whole week packed with activities. At such times, we learn to value our friends and family.

 

Well don't think too much. I've learnt that. Come what may. We'll take it like a man

[theplastickid]

the thing that gets me is i keep begging at me ex's feet and i know this is what is driving her away. i need to NC but like now i am thinking of calling her and saying sorry for going to her place this morning. but then that is still harrasing her in a way and then tomorrow i will feel as if she thinks im cool with it and dont care and go and beg some more. its a never ending cycle. i dont have her number anymore on my phone, i had to delete it to stop me from doing this. at the end of the day in the worst case scenario a good friend of mine is a good friend of hers and i know where she lives, just round the corner from me so... damn i am a dick!

[devon1]

devon1, i can feel for you. i am kind of in a similar situation, except that i am a woman, and will start strict NC with my ex bf from tomorrow. no excuse to make any contact at all.

 

people do need space to think and to miss. funny thing with my situation is: when he first broke my trust in him, i just wanted to leave the relationship. he kept begging and pleading and doing all kinds of little things to please me, but i just got angrier and felt suffocated which finally led to an explosion of my negative emotions. after our broke-up in anger, he started to retreat, and i started to think more and more about his good qualities and tried to work things out with him again. but he kept retreating, and i reached out for him for a few days, but have realized that maybe he was really tired of everything, i mean, the emotional roller coaster, no matter who was wrong in the first place. i am now thinking what it would be like if we do get together without having enough time and space to become normal, calm, fresh and "better" ourselves. some of the old issues may still come out if they are not thought through and dealt with, by each person individually and independently.

 

my ex bf used to have the fear that if he did not do anything and just left me alone, i might just decide to walk away. that was a justifiable fear, which i am also experiencing now. we are scared if we cannot control the outcome which we desire, and would very much like to work hard and think if we work hard enough, things will get better. well, my ex bf's and my recent experience just told that it does not work if you are working hard on things you just don't have control over. other people's feelings belong to them, and deserve respect.

 

i still have feelings for my ex bf and felt sorry that i must have hurt him while healing my own hurt feelings. i don't know if he still has any for me, but that does not really matter that much now. no need for me to get over him if he never reaches out for me. we were together for reasons; and now we are apart also for reasons. they do not disappear now simply because we hope things will work out. things will work out their own way, and to a different and probably not desirable way if with too much pressure from us.

 

i have sent my ex bf an email basically telling him i have true feelings for him and would like to build a meaningful relationship with him. that is all i can do and will do for now.

 

i guess we all know what it looks and feels like when someone really desires to be around you. when this particular person is not sure or not interested, you could tell although you try very hard to deny it. if you have let her know that you really want to be with her, that is wonderful and very romantic. but please try to save some of your love words for the moment when they would speak loudest to her. right now, leave her alone for a while.

 

it is hard, but you can do it. and in my experience, trying to control your feelings for someone might just make you feel worse. so let the feelings flow, but keep them with yourself, and wish the best for the person which you say you love, whether or not he/she will come back to you.

 

by moving on, you are not losing anything. you will become stronger and better, and might just catch her along the way.

 

 

Thanks for the advice, flow.

 

I think we are in a very similar situation. Things I did made her tired of all the fights and she just wants to give it all up. She has decided to give it all up, thus the break up. I think right now, I can only wait and hope that the respect I show by giving her time and space would make her think about me. My heart says she still loves me, somewhere deep down, clouded by the frustration and exasperation.

 

I am learning to move on. I will be happy for myself. She told me when we broke up that I must be happy and take care of myself. If I can't be happy on my own, how can we be happy together? If I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of her? I can't agree with her more.

[devon1]

I know exactly how broken hearted you are. I was with someone for 8 years when he decided to leave me for the girl in our circle of friends he had been cheating with (although they both denied the cheating). That was almost 2 years ago and I haven't had contact with him for about a year and a half. I still miss him and think about him everyday. Just this morning I was trying to talk myself into calling him, but is it worth it? Will it only break my heart again? Problem is that when we were going through the worst part of the break up, we changed our cell phone numbers. I will have to call his parent's house..and I'm pretty sure he lives with this girl now. For 8 years he was my best friend..I miss him so much it hurts.

In your situation I think that as long as she knows how you feel and the lines of communication are open (meaning she has a way to contact you) then let her come to you. I lost my 23 year old cousin in 2005 and my biggest thing since is that make sure you tell people exactly how you feel no matter what. I'm no good at the advice thing and actually need some myself, but I do fell strongly about that one thing..

 

Hi Lost, I understand what you mean. I have learnt from experience to tell someone how you feel when you have the chance. I have told her how much I cared. But I have learnt that words are nothing compared to actions. Yes, at times we need to say the nice words but our actions can mean more to them.

 

I think we have a history of problem communicating with each other, or at least with her. Each time, I had to sense the problem and ask her before she would say anything. This time round, I didn't sense the problem until it was too late. I hope it's too late to avoid the break up but not too late to save the relationship.

 

Her dad spoke to me. He said she's been real quiet at home recently and seems pretty stressed up. It aches my heart to hear that. I hope that she would come to me for support. I can only watch from a distance and watch her fall. If she can't pick herself up, I think I would step in and lend a hand to show I care. I have done whatever I can, keeping NC to ease the pressure of the break up off her.

[Lost2634]

Hi Lost, I understand what you mean. I have learnt from experience to tell someone how you feel when you have the chance. I have told her how much I cared. But I have learnt that words are nothing compared to actions. Yes, at times we need to say the nice words but our actions can mean more to them.

 

I think we have a history of problem communicating with each other, or at least with her. Each time, I had to sense the problem and ask her before she would say anything. This time round, I didn't sense the problem until it was too late. I hope it's too late to avoid the break up but not too late to save the relationship.

 

Her dad spoke to me. He said she's been real quiet at home recently and seems pretty stressed up. It aches my heart to hear that. I hope that she would come to me for support. I can only watch from a distance and watch her fall. If she can't pick herself up, I think I would step in and lend a hand to show I care. I have done whatever I can, keeping NC to ease the pressure of the break up off her.

NC is great for awhile, it really does help things..just make sure it doesn't last 2 years..I feel worse now then when it all happened..I don't think I can put into words whay I'm trying to say..if you love, you go get her, if she doesn't want you then ok, but to me, one grand gesture makes a world of difference.

[theplastickid]

at the end of the day, i know my ex is not going anywhere. i really think that she does love me and maybe it will take her a couple of months to come around.

 

i am not a big headed person, i am very shy and timid actually so i dont want to sound like a fool but. I am 19 years old have an awsome physique (should be entering the british junior bodybuilding championships next year ). I am kind and giving and everything she could ever ask for.

 

Hey maybe it will take her 10 years to come around and if thats the case so be it. I will forgive her, i would rather forgive and be **** on everyday of my life then to not. I am not a christian but i do live by the way of jesus, everyone should read the bible, it makes a lot of sence once you peice it all together and you will feel like a better person for it.

[theplastickid]

NC is great for awhile, it really does help things..just make sure it doesn't last 2 years..I feel worse now then when it all happened..I don't think I can put into words whay I'm trying to say..if you love, you go get her, if she doesn't want you then ok, but to me, one grand gesture makes a world of difference.

I understand you Lost2634. Even if you are rejected time and time again at least you can say you have tried.

[theplastickid]

when my ex can barly look me in the eyes, can not properly hug me and can not give me a last kiss. I know deep down in her heart she is sad. She told me she has been throwing up for about 2 weeks (basically since we broke up). She says "oh i have a bug" but I dont think she does.

 

I dont know if i will move to ireland to get away, she thinks i am but it will be nice to just see if she lets me go. I'll definatly be going for a 2 week holiday so...

[Lost2634]

I understand you Lost2634. Even if you are rejected time and time again at least you can say you have tried.

 

 

so

now here is my question, is it worth it to try to contact an ex after 2 years? we are both stubborn people and it has taken me this long for it to even enter my mind..we ended on such bad terms that i need some sort of closure, good or bad..

[theplastickid]

 

 

so

now here is my question, is it worth it to try to contact an ex after 2 years? we are both stubborn people and it has taken me this long for it to even enter my mind..we ended on such bad terms that i need some sort of closure, good or bad..

Lost... if you do not do it you will forever beat yourself up... what if i did? what if he was single? what if he did want me back... it is highly unlikley and if he dosn't than who cares your no worse off. Go for it. All these people on here will tell you to play mind games, you cant do that your whole life and if you do it too long you end up in the situation your in. I say go for it but I am not you. So its down to you in the end...

[D-Lish]

Lost,

 

Whether or not contacting your ex after 2 years is a good thing or a bad thing for you to do is something only you can answer.

 

You really have to think about what you want from such an exchange before you reach out. Your ex is living with someone right? Someone they cheated with while you were still together? If your ex was single, i would encourage you to reach out- but since he is in a relationship, I hesitate to advise contacting him.

 

It really depends on your reasons for contact. What are your expectations? ARe you just looking for closure? Are you prepared for the possibility that you won't get the response you are looking for? These are all questions you have to ask yourself before reaching out.

 

You must come to terms with the fact that your expectations may not be met before deciding to contact. If you go into the exchange with hopes, and they are not fulfilled, you may end up feeling worse.

 

I ask you to think about this because I have sent a few e-mails to an ex that had expectations of a response that never came. That just made me feel worse, and I now regret making that contact with him.

 

Hope this insight helps a little.

You need to do what is best to make yourself feel better.

D

[devon1]

NC is great for awhile, it really does help things..just make sure it doesn't last 2 years..I feel worse now then when it all happened..I don't think I can put into words whay I'm trying to say..if you love, you go get her, if she doesn't want you then ok, but to me, one grand gesture makes a world of difference.

 

 

My NC lasted barely a month and we might be meeting up for a casual date. I'm not sure what to expect or how it'll go but I know I need to be mentally prepared.

 

I'm not gonna mention anything about the relationship or any comments that will pressure her. Anything else I should add to the not-to-do list?

 

Any suggestion on what I could try to do to make her feel better is welcomed too

[memorex1970]

Thanks for the advice, notmakingsense.

 

I will give it a try and see how it goes.

 

I just remembered that after we broke up, I told her that we can try to be friends and that if after some time we find that there's still something, we can try to get back together. She was very keen on the idea, but she also told me not to keep my hopes too high. I know she doesn't want me to be hurt and disappointed. But I feel that what she wants is to still have my company when she has time and yet not want to be in a relationship.

 

I'm still on NC. But if she contacts me, should I show that I'm ready to be just her friend?

 

Hi there,

 

I really think you are holding onto something that isnt going to happen.

 

Im going to be really blunt now...If this woman TRUELY loved you then she would not just 'lose' her feelings.

Its so obvious that she isnt into you as much as you are into her, why cant you see that?

You say that you pressured her ect, I think you are blaming and beating yourself up over this.

NC in my eyes means to move on and get them out of your system and hopefully never see them again.

Why would you want to win somebody back who can just lose there feelings for you, it will happen again if you two was to get back together.

I reckon you pressured her because you may have thought she was backing off slightly, she probably was.

Move on and stop wasting your time hoping for casual dates and what ifs and maybes!

I let someone go who didnt want to be with me and then met a wonderful woman, if Id of kept hanging and hoping then Id still be unhappy now.

 

Good luck mate

[Lost2634]

well, i did it..i called and left a message..then proceeded to get drunk..i don't regret it though, atleast i can say i made an effort and i feel better. grant it, i would feel better if he would return my call, but it's ok. i think i was just feeling lonely..the holidays are just not the same without him and my cousin as well. i miss them both so much. i think that's why i called..my cousin is gone, but i can always call my ex. the thought of another new years with no one to kiss is too much. i know i need to put myself out there, but i still don't feel ready..i think it's true what they said on sex and the city..it takes half the amount of time you were with someone to get over them. if this is true, i have 2 more years to go. these past 2 went by pretty fast, maybe the next 2 will too.

 

thank you for your advice, i really do appreciate it!

 

Lost,

 

Whether or not contacting your ex after 2 years is a good thing or a bad thing for you to do is something only you can answer.

 

You really have to think about what you want from such an exchange before you reach out. Your ex is living with someone right? Someone they cheated with while you were still together? If your ex was single, i would encourage you to reach out- but since he is in a relationship, I hesitate to advise contacting him.

 

It really depends on your reasons for contact. What are your expectations? ARe you just looking for closure? Are you prepared for the possibility that you won't get the response you are looking for? These are all questions you have to ask yourself before reaching out.

 

You must come to terms with the fact that your expectations may not be met before deciding to contact. If you go into the exchange with hopes, and they are not fulfilled, you may end up feeling worse.

 

I ask you to think about this because I have sent a few e-mails to an ex that had expectations of a response that never came. That just made me feel worse, and I now regret making that contact with him.

 

Hope this insight helps a little.

You need to do what is best to make yourself feel better.

D