IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 I've seen plenty of posts discussing the difficulties of this time of year for OW. For me as a BS it is also most unbearable. I realise that my situation is different from most LS memebers who were BS's and are working on the marriages. My H will never change, and I'm quite sure atleast one or two of his OW are still in the picture. I generally do quite well with putting unpleasantness out of my brain and concentrating on making myself and my children happy and keeping up appearances. Unfortunately I find myself barely coping at the moment and at a time when there is so much to do. Yesterday while finishing up shopping, I came out of a store and realized that I had parked not in a parking place but in the aisle infront of the parking places. GOD, I am truly loosing it. He set a limit on our gift giving that was $50. I could spend 4 times that daily on myself and he wouldn't care nor miss it. It crushed me. I can't help but wonder what he has chosen to buy for OW's. He had a meeting with a client or employ (the story he told me and my daughter differed) over drinks at the club but said he would be in the men's lounge, but his car would be there. So, I could not check actually (not that I would have, I had dinner with a group of girl friends). When I got home he was avoiding me and started a fight right away, so I went to bed. I've been through this so many times that I can tell you within 2 minutes when he's been up to no good! Didn't get one iota of sleep last night. I have accepted that this is my life for the time being, I can't understand why this is so very hard for me at Christmas time. Maybe its just that I put so much into making everything perfect that I fool myself into believing that it is! I WISH that I could spend christmas in a cabin all alone this year, no presents, no decorations, no family or friends. Just me, stong coffee, a good book and a really nice bottle or two of gin until it's over. Bah humbug!
yousaveme Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Please dont take this the wrong way. But way do you put up with this? I know your probably thinking since I am a OW that I want to hear this. But really why are you making yourself so unhappy?
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 Well, actually I am not making myself unhappy. I do know that he will/can never change. Won't live like this forever. I did file for divorce, he ofcourse begged me back. It's just that I realized that it was probably best for me to wait it out until I was better prepared to move on. Also, there is my young son who idolizes him, I don't want my WH to have an influence that I am not there to temper if that makes since. Also, I see his condition as an illness, I wouldn't leave if he was schizophrenic or depresses or had a debilitating illness. Actually I want more than anything for his OW to have him. That would be the ultimate revenge! But at the moment it's best for me to stay and keep things in prospective. I also have NO family support system I and would be completely on my own and that scares the hell out of me! God I could go on forever! But generally I do quite well, I just don't understand why I'm letting it get to me now. I know who he is, and many other people do to, that's all that matters but something for some reason, this week, just crept up and bit me in the ARSE! Also, I don't believe that there is anything else out there. I don't believe that men are capable of fidelity. I guess it is as hard though maybe for you to understand as me to understand why a woman would want a married man who would cheat. Actuallly what brought me to this board was a search on OW, not after finding out about the affair but after a dream. I woke up and there was the most beautiful man in the world in my bed, I felt so loved and happy. I slipped out and went to make coffee and omelets, I stepped outside and when I came back in, he was sitting at the table putting on his shoes. I said, I've got breakfast ready and he said, You know I've got to get back to my wife. I woke up in a panic, sweating and crying. I felt such loss. That's when I found this board. I always pictured other women dancing around saying nah, nah, nah , nah, boo, boo. The day I had that dream and found LS was the day I realized how much we have in common!
yousaveme Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Its a hard situtation. Im sorry that your feeling down about it. Holidays can be a rough time. I want to thank you though. You actually answered a question for me. LS has been a real help to me also. I just wish my existance wasnt such a horrific thing. I have alot of regret to deal with. I guess that is my cross to bear. I hope you have a wonderful holiday with your son. I wish you the best.
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 I know your probably thinking since I am a OW that I want to hear this. But really why are you making yourself so unhappy? I'm not sure if I'm reading this right but I didn't write this to influence OW, I put it on the infidelity board. Actually, it's the FIRST thread I've ever started. Just needed to get it out, get a perspective. I'm not in a position that I have anyone to even share my story with. Just needed to vent maybe get some support much like the others here. I don't want to change the OW, I honestly believe that they should be with the men that they love, I just believe the men should leave FIRST! OH, and BTW I'm now an establised member! WooHoo!
yousaveme Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 No i didnt take it as being that. Im sorry if you didnt want me to post since i am a OW..Im truly sorry. I'm not sure if I'm reading this right but I didn't write this to influence OW, I put it on the infidelity board. Actually, it's the FIRST thread I've ever started. Just needed to get it out, get a perspective. I'm not in a position that I have anyone to even share my story with. Just needed to vent maybe get some support much like the others here. I don't want to change the OW, I honestly believe that they should be with the men that they love, I just believe the men should leave FIRST! OH, and BTW I'm now an establised member! WooHoo!
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 I'm happy someone replied. OW or BS, like I said, I believe that we have much in common, besides WH! I just thought that "I want to hear this" meant that you thought my purpose was to make OW feel guilty or bad and that was not it at all, it wasn't about ow or even mm, it was just about ME! Thanks for your reply YSM.
yousaveme Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Okay.... My guilt is mine...The pain is mine also... We do have many things in common... The holidays bring out so much baggage sometimes... We should say Happy Emotions ...Instead of Happy Holidays... I'm happy someone replied. OW or BS, like I said, I believe that we have much in common, besides WH! I just thought that "I want to hear this" meant that you thought my purpose was to make OW feel guilty or bad and that was not it at all, it wasn't about ow or even mm, it was just about ME! Thanks for your reply YSM.
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 Right you are! And Merry Feelings to you!
Kinger25 Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 "I don't believe that there is anything else out there. I don't believe that men are capable of fidelity". I know that it may be very hard for you to believe right now but there are men out there who dont cheat. Its not in everybody's nature. I feel for you at this time of year IWWH. I dont really have any super duper advice to give you but I felt for you when I read your thread and thought I would offer my support to you. Holidays are a difficult time in situations like this. The worst thing in the world is sitting together as a family, knowing that he would rather be somewhere else. I can understand your craving to be alone. I really can. You must understand that there IS something else out there for you. I respect your decision to stay for the moment, as you may not necessarily be in a position to leave him, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, as soon as you get your chance, go. File for divorce, ignore his begging and his pleads, walk out that door and NEVER EVER EVER look back. You will find someone again one day. Maybe not for a long time, but you WILL find someone. I know you will. Things will get better soon. Stay Strong.
Romeo Must Die Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 I have FWS kidnapped, tied up and gagged in the basement. LOL, I just tell everybody he'll be staying home this year with the family. Merry Christmas, yo...
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 Now there's a thought! LOL! Nah, if I had a basement I would lock myself in it and hang up a very big sign " GO AWAY"!
yousaveme Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 I second that motion of being locked in the basement and putting up a sign....Just leave me water , box of tissues and a blanket... See you in the spring
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 I'll take coffee, a bowflex, a punching bag, salad fixings, books, and a stock of gin. (no tissues for me) Would a personal massuese be too much to ask? Oh, and my computer so I can keep up with what's going on on LS!
yousaveme Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 I like everything you mentioned ....where do we get all that? But I dont want the computer..People will still be able to get ahold of me.. The bears have the right idea...the hell with all the winter blah...Go to sleep and talk to you in the spring... I'll take coffee, a bowflex, a punching bag, salad fixings, books, and a stock of gin. (no tissues for me) Would a personal massuese be too much to ask? Oh, and my computer so I can keep up with what's going on on LS!
lover's rock Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 IWWH, I could have sworn I was reading my thoughts earlier this year when I was reading your posts. I am not by any stretch of imagination done with this situation because once this is all over there is much counseling to be had, however, I am here to tell you that it does get better. I, too, was apart and then reconciled just to face my H's demons one more time. I assure you that this is not a forever situation and something will give. And whether you are alone or reconciled to your husband permanently (the latter is more likely the case because despite his uncaring actions, it does seem like he wants to be with you since divorce is not something he wants) everything will be alright. The truth is that men by nature aren't wishy washy and when they want something they go for it. If he isn't with her permanently, it is because he doesn't want to be because I am assuming by what you said above, you have given him the chance to be. He's pretty f'd up right now. What you should do? Do you! Hang out, even make some male friends. I'm sure with the amount of time he spends on his affair, you could probably have an affair of your own so have the personal type of affair where you learn to be responsible for your own happiness. Afterawhile, it really won't matter where he is or what he's doing. That's when you know that you are truly free. I encourage you in every way possible, my sister.
Recommended Posts