aeren944 Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Ok, I've got a question that's been bugging me for a while. When parenting, what happens when your child's mother/father disciplines too harshly in your opinion? Or you don't agree with the punishment or the rule being set? I understand you'd need to talk about it, but what about the discipline part... like when it happens at that moment? I'm not talking about your spouse beating the child or something. Do you speak up right then? Do you wait until later? Do you back your spouse anyway? What do you do, and how do you do it??
blind_otter Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 You should probably discuss the issue in private at a later moment. It's important to present a consistent and unified front to the child or you tend to lose credibility.
ilmw Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 You should probably discuss the issue in private at a later moment. It's important to present a consistent and unified front to the child or you tend to lose credibility. I totally agree with this... Because this was not done in my own situation... it caused harm to my marriage.. different ideas... lack of communication... DAMAGE..! You should both be on the same page... and somehow... compromise... it is worth it in the long run for your kids... and your marriage...
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 If there's one sure-fire way to screw up your children (AND marriage), it's the "Good Cop vs. Bad Cop" parenting scenario. You'd be surprised at how many otherwise decent marriages have ended in divorce once the children become teenagers because two spouses have become adversaries instead of a united front when dealing with difficult parenting issues. Without a united front, the boundaries (or rules) become blurred and the children become even more confused about what's expected from them. Children will also take advantage of this 'kink in the parental armor' by going through the soft parent to get around the stricter one, causing even more disharmony and resentment between the parenting team. It's called "divide and conquer" … and as any parent can tell you, it's often the first thing children learn to do from a very early age. As our own family counselor explained: this imbalance of responsibility often leads to one parent being unfairly put upon. Being left with the role of sole disciplinary they will often try harder to overcompensate for the role not being fulfilled by the 'rescuer' parent. This begins a cycle whereby the easy-going parent becomes even more set in their role as 'protector' and/or enabler to their child's misbehavior …and in essence becoming childlike themselves by helping to undermine the structure of authority and any benefit and/or lesson to be gained through appropriate discipline. What we learned: Never, ever discuss your differences in front of the kids. If you take issue with your spouse doing something (or not doing something) talk about calmly and rationally before and/or after the incident … not during. If your child has done something that warrants disciplinary action, wait until you have both had a chance to calm down and discuss what should be done as a team. When you have reached a fair comprise regarding what appropriate action should be taken, approach that child together as a team. No kinks in the armor! Back each other up as a team … and the MOST important team rule of all is: Follow-through, follow-through, follow-through! Never, ever release your child from a restriction or punishment you have already set … especially one that your parenting partner has set. Even if you think it's too strict and you would have liked to have seen it done differently, don't undermine your partner's authority. You can discuss it together later and come up with a more mutually agreeable compromise in the event the incident should ever occur again. Make the punishment fit the crime. Too often, parents hand down sentences in the heat of the moment that are impossible for them to follow through with let alone their children. Which is why parents often sabotage themselves by getting soft and letting their kids off restriction early. Instead of blowing a gasket and grounding your kids for an entire month … try it on for a week. Set a time limit that you can tolerate. Still set in your soft parent/strict parent roles and can't reach a compromise on what constitutes appropriate discipline? Here's what our councilor instructed us do: My husband and I were asked to sit down together and write up a very detailed list stating what our expectations and rules were as parents. It was also to include what we considered to be inappropriate conduct that we decided (as a team) should warrant some kind of disciplinary action. It covered everything: from responsibilities and chores, schoolwork, conduct, and curfews. And most importantly "WHY" we felt it necessary as parents to implement these rules for her safety and our peace of mind. My daughter was then asked to read each and every one of them out loud so there would be no question as to what we expected from her and why. She was given the option to either agree or disagree with the boundaries we set and work with us in reaching a fair three-way compromise. The councilor than allowed my daughter to decide what her own consequences should be for each and every rule should she happen to break the contract. To our surprise, the punishments she selected and wrote down for herself were FAR stricter (and imaginative) than anything either one of us could have come up with together! All three of us were then told to agree to and sign this family contract. So that the next time my daughter stepped out of line, there would be no more arguing and debating between the three of us about what was "fair." We'd simply pull out the contract as a reminder of the agreement made between all three of us. No unbalance of power, no shifting responsibility (or blame) unfairly to either one of us. Of course, this is where "follow-through" becomes the thing that either makes or breaks the success of this exercise. As with most kids (and or teens) they will still try to buck the rules even when they had a hand in making them … or signing them. It's up to both parents, as the adults, to reinforce the terms. And if "soft parent" continues to exercise complacency or caves under pressure, then the whole house of cards will tumble. As it sadly did in our case. But I still think this can be a wonderful alternative and/or tool for parents who find themselves at loggerheads when it comes to finding a happy compromise between two very different parenting styles.
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