freakygal78 Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 OK so I posted my sob story about a MM I was emotionally involved with and since moved on in my job etc. but now I am in another job and have a SG I am involved with, I have a new boss and having been on the job for 3 days, I feel I am attracted to him - of course he is relatively young and is married with 3 young children - the usual story. Dammit. I feel attracted to him and I think the feeling is mutual after he handed me his business card 'in case extenuating circumstances should arise'. I am only there on a temp basis but it may become permanent in the New Year. In that case, I will be his PA and I have no doubt the sexual tension issue will arise again. I would like to think that I have learnt from my dismal experience at my last job having an EA with a MM but I am afraid I have set some kind of a precedent and this issue with being attracted to MM in a powerful position is going to be my downfall. I really do love my SG and we are now living together but I really don't want to repeat this mistake again which I only see as being worse if I am working in a more intimate capacity with a MM again. Dammit Dammit! Please why do I feel this way and how do I break this kind of cycle?!! I really just want to be professional with anybody I am working with from now on despite obvious attraction issues. How do I circumvent this from happening again? Why is it at almost 29 I have become an easy target/easily besotted with MM??? I hate that! Why can't I just be like a normal human? Despite the improvements in my circumstances, I still fantasise about the last MM and have secret ideations about my present employer. I am trying my darndest to be professional. I guess I just feel like now it has become some kind of a sick pattern I can't escape from. Please help - comments anyone? Please! I need help to stop this from becoming a cycle!
ratingsguy Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 How do I circumvent this from happening again? Willpower. And if that doesn't work, try therapy. Or work at an all-women business, if you can find one.
umbo Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Feelings come and go. Just becasue I am attracted to someone does not mean I have to think about them or act on it. It is called being a grown up focus on your career. We all have feelings just never act on them especially with a married man boss.
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 The choice is yours. YOU know what to expect and how much pain you will suffer if you decide to take things further with your MM boss. Also, you WILL be hurting and cheating on your boyfriend so consider his feelings. IF by chance you DO decide to go after MM boss, END IT with the single guy. He doesn't deserve you cheating on him. Honestly, if you feel you cannot help yourself seek therapy and learn to control your thoughts/feelings for other unavailable men. Maybe there is a deeper reason why you keep falling for MM.
HereToStay62 Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Please why do I feel this way and how do I break this kind of cycle?!! I really just want to be professional with anybody I am working with from now on despite obvious attraction issues. How do I circumvent this from happening again? Why is it at almost 29 I have become an easy target/easily besotted with MM??? I hate that! Why can't I just be like a normal human? Despite the improvements in my circumstances, I still fantasise about the last MM and have secret ideations about my present employer. I am trying my darndest to be professional. I guess I just feel like now it has become some kind of a sick pattern I can't escape from. Please help - comments anyone? Please! I need help to stop this from becoming a cycle! You are asking the right questions. I don't know your story, but it seems the previous relationship with MM did not end well and caused a lot of pain. Why would you want to subject yourself to the same torture again? If there is something I learned of my one and only EMA is that I would never ever do it again, under no circumstances. This has been a nightmare. I think you may need to explore the reasons why you are repeating this pattern. Could it be that you want to 'win' this time? Everytime one repeats unhealthy patterns is a red flag.
JamesM Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 I would suggest willpower and counseling. But this boss needs some help as well. When I was in the position of Operations Manager over a few hundred people, a number of women became attracted to me. I am not saying I am handsome, but I was in authority over them and appeared to have alot of power. Also, I listened to people's stories and tried to help them. (I remember once when one of my department managers told me about a girl who said, "Why does such a nice guy have to be married and so religious?" I asked, "Why didn't you tell me before she left here?" Her response...as a good friend who also liked my wife...was: "I didn't want you to have to deal with the temptation." Of course, I thanked her). He needs to realize that not only is he abusing his position, he could be put into the dangerous situation of dealing with a sexual harassment lawsuit. This is one of the benefits/curses of being in management. Yes, men fall for their female supervisors as well. I think you are attracted to those men who appear to have power and are out of reach. Why? That is where the therapy comes into play. But please....don't fall for the therapist.
Author freakygal78 Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 Thanks for all your suggestions. I know I'm being somewhat of a panic merchant and I KNOW I do not have to act on it - I tried my darndest to not act on it with the last MM at for the longest time. But feelings are invisible and they can sometimes cause the most havoc in one's life even if not acted upon. The mental anguish I felt and torture - no thanks, that is not something I wish to revisit hence me wanting to circumvent this situation. I have asked myself so many questions. Having done a psych degree (sometimes these are the most messed up people!) I do have some vague insight to the processes that might be going on but even drs can't operate on themselves so no, it does not prevent me from making mistakes. I guess the power position and MM being unavailable is a relic from my childhood when I couldn't quite reach my father emotionally and he kept me at an arms length? Maybe I have a Daddy issue? lol. But seriously, if this were the case, why is it only rearing its ugly head now and not in my earlier 20s? To be honest, I never quite knew MM even existed before the past year, let alone be attracted to one. Yes I have a lovely bf and have never had a problem finding a nice guy although my r'ships usually don't last much past 5 months in recent years. I guess I have become a rather independent person over time because of this and a couple of really messed up long term r'ships with losers. I am trying to be mature and realise that this situation is potentially fraught with danger - I have learnt a lesson from the last MM. Do I want to win? Well I really would rather not go somewhere that is sacred again. I am grateful I have my own man now and would like it to continue that way. What makes is hard in a workplace especially and it's hard to realise this unless you have been in the situation yourself however is the proximity and time factor. If you spend as much if not more time with a work colleague as your partner, sometimes the attraction grows - sure don't act on it - it's simple but it's problematic. Aaaargh! I'm about to turn into a raging lesbian activist and join a hippy commune - seriously! It just seems too complex to interact with the opposite sex at times. I will spend the upcoming xmas time trying to focus on my current available partner methinks but thanks for the comments esp the male perspective - it's all very helpful - I think I will start saving for therapy in the new year!
kymberann Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 You know what damage has been done by last MM situation. I know easier said than done...JUST don't go there!!! Come here instead to create a distraction. Conjure up all the pain and emotional turmoil and JUSt stay away! It isn't worth it a second time!
oyster Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 this sounds crazy but find a submissive guy and make sure he pays attention to every single needs of yours.
norajane Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Thanks for all your suggestions. I know I'm being somewhat of a panic merchant and I KNOW I do not have to act on it - I tried my darndest to not act on it with the last MM at for the longest time. But feelings are invisible and they can sometimes cause the most havoc in one's life even if not acted upon. The mental anguish I felt and torture - no thanks, that is not something I wish to revisit hence me wanting to circumvent this situation. I have asked myself so many questions. Having done a psych degree (sometimes these are the most messed up people!) I do have some vague insight to the processes that might be going on but even drs can't operate on themselves so no, it does not prevent me from making mistakes. I guess the power position and MM being unavailable is a relic from my childhood when I couldn't quite reach my father emotionally and he kept me at an arms length? Maybe I have a Daddy issue? lol. But seriously, if this were the case, why is it only rearing its ugly head now and not in my earlier 20s? To be honest, I never quite knew MM even existed before the past year, let alone be attracted to one. Yes I have a lovely bf and have never had a problem finding a nice guy although my r'ships usually don't last much past 5 months in recent years. I guess I have become a rather independent person over time because of this and a couple of really messed up long term r'ships with losers. I am trying to be mature and realise that this situation is potentially fraught with danger - I have learnt a lesson from the last MM. Do I want to win? Well I really would rather not go somewhere that is sacred again. I am grateful I have my own man now and would like it to continue that way. What makes is hard in a workplace especially and it's hard to realise this unless you have been in the situation yourself however is the proximity and time factor. If you spend as much if not more time with a work colleague as your partner, sometimes the attraction grows - sure don't act on it - it's simple but it's problematic. Aaaargh! I'm about to turn into a raging lesbian activist and join a hippy commune - seriously! It just seems too complex to interact with the opposite sex at times. I will spend the upcoming xmas time trying to focus on my current available partner methinks but thanks for the comments esp the male perspective - it's all very helpful - I think I will start saving for therapy in the new year! Fear of commitment? Fear of intimacy? A MM you can't have is "safer" than a real boyfriend because MM represents someone who will never ask for commitment or the kind of intimacy that's needed in a marriage... You have to say no to the things that are bad for you so as to leave room for the things that are good. All this energy devoted to your MM crush, is energy you are not putting into your relationship. Maybe you are afraid of putting more into your relationship? Just throwing some things out to consider.
Guest Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Yeah you're right norajane - fear of intimacy and commitment is a big one there as most OW are statiscally more likely to have been in a bad r'ship / married and hurt badly so they as a result keep men at arm's length. I am trying to be happy with my partner at Xmas which isn't hard - maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill with this new boss - he is cute but nothing momumentous has to happen. He's on leave for 3 weeks anyways so I'll be fine...It's a hard thing - sometimes I catch myself looking at other girl's bfs at the shops or whatever....is it really a fear of intimacy or am I just a total hacienda? I love my man and have spoilt him with hugs, kisses, fun and pressies this xmas - I have a great capacity to love but have a huge grass is greener syndrome at times.
Author freakygal78 Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 it's xmas eve and I spent today watching portishead clips which my former MM used to email me songs of...i cried - there was my SG asking what was wrong and I couldn't tell him. It's pathetic I know - I guess it was a touch more than infatuation because when your object of infatuation disappears, so should the feelings associated but I still burn a candle in my heart for my MM who I adored so much (still do). I wonder what he is doing with his family now and whether he spares me a thought - he made a big impression in my life and whilst I know it is time to move on and focus on more important and honest aspects of life....I can't help but wonder about him as in my eyes he was still a very special person. I have no doubt a lot of you feel the same and for those of you my empathy goes out there and for those who can't see him because of the 'family thing' I spare a thought - I know I shouldn't condone this because I am in the process of moving on etc (albeit fraught with difficulties as is to be expected lol) but my compassion goes out to you women who long for the man you hold most special in your life but can't be with. a part of me still wishes he was never married but goodness knows if i'd even have been attracted to him then. love and peace to you all. xox.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 FG: It's pretty obvious that you are not over xmm...my heart goes out to you...
Trialbyfire Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 I was in authority over them and appeared to have alot of power. Power seems to be one of the biggest aphrodesiacs in existence. Both men and women are drawn to it.
frannie Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Yeah you're right norajane - fear of intimacy and commitment is a big one there as most OW are statiscally more likely to have been in a bad r'ship / married and hurt badly so they as a result keep men at arm's length. That is definitely why I got involved with MM at first. After my earlier painful and disastrous relationship I really didn't want a relationship at all, but he was interesting, we hit it off, and had such good laughs and conversations that I found myself drifting towards him while feeling it was a 'safe' situation: he was Married, so it couldn't go anywhere. Pah! I think if you fear intimacy you can be very open to 'hopeless' situations, which can lead to making the same 'mistakes' over and over, with 'unavailable' men.
Author freakygal78 Posted December 30, 2006 Author Posted December 30, 2006 That is definitely why I got involved with MM at first. After my earlier painful and disastrous relationship I really didn't want a relationship at all, but he was interesting, we hit it off, and had such good laughs and conversations that I found myself drifting towards him while feeling it was a 'safe' situation: he was Married, so it couldn't go anywhere. Pah! I think if you fear intimacy you can be very open to 'hopeless' situations, which can lead to making the same 'mistakes' over and over, with 'unavailable' men. Yes it's a fear of intimacy but also I think some kind of warped 'excitement' or drama addiction. That is prolly why we had such problematic r'ships to start with - hands up who was drawn to a guy who treated her like s#%@? Or was a bit of a bad boy? When we have a 'normal' partner and let's face it none of us are really 'normal' but nonetheless we still long for that something extra - that thing that gave us a slight thrill inside thinking about it. My god! I saw a grey-haired man today with his daughter on a morning walk and it reminded me of MM - I thought about how attractive MM still seem to me - then I wrote it off and thought - meh! a passing thought. It's something we have to work on in ourselves before we dabble (or continue to dabble) and destroy another marriage....ah heck they may be dead to start with but I guess we have no right interfering there if we can help it. Just more thoughts...oh, and read 'Women who love too much' if you have a chance - doesn't sound like it, but very applicable w/ regards to wrong partners/MM - helped me with greater insight into the sitch.
frannie Posted December 31, 2006 Posted December 31, 2006 Yes it's a fear of intimacy but also I think some kind of warped 'excitement' or drama addiction. That is prolly why we had such problematic r'ships to start with - hands up who was drawn to a guy who treated her like s#%@? Or was a bit of a bad boy? When we have a 'normal' partner and let's face it none of us are really 'normal' but nonetheless we still long for that something extra - that thing that gave us a slight thrill inside thinking about it. My god! I saw a grey-haired man today with his daughter on a morning walk and it reminded me of MM - I thought about how attractive MM still seem to me - then I wrote it off and thought - meh! a passing thought. It's something we have to work on in ourselves before we dabble (or continue to dabble) and destroy another marriage....ah heck they may be dead to start with but I guess we have no right interfering there if we can help it. Just more thoughts...oh, and read 'Women who love too much' if you have a chance - doesn't sound like it, but very applicable w/ regards to wrong partners/MM - helped me with greater insight into the sitch. Hmm well no, not me on the drama front. I've always been drawn to men who made me laugh and were a little romantic and thoughtful. My two longest relationships were very 'dull' in fact... I like peace and quiet! My two most traumatic relationships were short and dreadful... they probably could have gone on a lot longer but the men in both cases ended them... thank goodness, in retrospect! I could kick myself for getting involved with a MM... I'd had quite a lot of counselling when I met him, seen quite a few of the patterns I'd been following, and I was going to take a good long while off relationships (I'd already been single 2 years)... I just wasn't aware of the next pitfall along (if I could describe him as that!). As I say, I thought I was 'safe' with him and by the time I realised I wasn't, I knew there was enough there that I wanted it to continue. Despite it being an affair, MM and I don't have a lot of drama. The times we've argued have really been me venting because I was all worn out with the 'waiting' and the frustration of it. But the last time that happened was almost a year ago now. We don't do any sneaking around either, and no hotel rooms. It's all pretty routine and homely, sometimes sad, sometimes very comfortable, sometimes getting under each other's feet and having to work out how to occupy the same workspace without driving each other nuts. I know many affairs aren't like that, but that's how ours is.
Author freakygal78 Posted January 5, 2007 Author Posted January 5, 2007 Yes well Part 2. The boss is coming back a week earlier than scheduled - I spoke to him the past few days about making some arrangments for meetings when he returns. Hmmm....it's hard to not think things when he says stuff like 'can you block me out next friday - I don't want any meetings on because my wife has arranged some things for me to do for the children - but keep it between you and I OK?' You just have no idea if he's being flirty or matter of fact - of course I'm flattering myself and what is going on here obviously are the remnants of a largely unresolved EA with xMM last year. Grrrr....today he left a message on my phone and after I replayed it, I was tempted to keep it to listen to again - but I mentally slapped myself on the face and told myself 'stop being a wanker!' lol and made myself erase it immediately. I hope next week goes well - I have been told I've been put forward to apply for the position permanently in addition to it being externally advertised but in general people there are happy with my work. I really hope I do get it but yeah don't need this nasty boss crush stuff esp in an assitant role where you are privvy to his comings (no pun intended ;P) and goings and things can get rather intimate. I really have to stop turning my head when he comes in the office and concentrate on being the best assistant I can be for my own personal satisfaction - not to gratify his ego or some such. I wonder how he will deal with my application - will he encourage it / be impartial - I shouldn't really care - I just want to work there for the right reasons - not to be some kind of eye candy / ego trip for the boss
Recommended Posts