flow Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 my bf slept with his colleague (call her B) during a biz trip back to august. we were together for several months by then and "officially" a couple. i did not know about it until one month later, and have been on emotional roller coaster since then. i feel very hurt for the past few months, and don't know for sure what i should do next. i guess my mind is not straight enough to think about the following facts, and would appreciate very much your comments and advice: 1. he said he was drunk that night and did not remember what happened. he swore that it was an ONS. however, they txted each other the whole day next day. there were also a few calls between them after that. i thought if he did feel as bad about that night as he claimed, he should not have had any contact with B at all after that night. am i right? 2. he did not use protection that night with B, and we had sex the following night. although we are lucky enough to not get STD from this, i still feel unbelievable that he did not think about my health at all. he said he had never thought there is an issue of STD at all. He is in early 30s, and had a few gfs before me. could he be so naive and have no idea about STDs at his age? 3. he did not tell me immediately, but told a very close female friend of his. she did not think what he did was wrong, and asked him how he would proceed with B and he replied they could stay friends. he denied that he had the intention to stay friendly with B when i asked. 4. when i found out, i felt so hurt and angry and immediately decided to leave. he begged and cried, and was very caring to me since september, and never really argued with me when i felt depressed and angry about what he did and said harsh words. however, he did tell me that he got very tired of our fights related to this incident, and said he felt frustrated that i may never trust him again. whenever he talked about his frustration, i grew more resentment against him that finally led to a blowup a week ago during which i said it's over and went home. i thought he should work very hard to gain my trust back and should not complain that it was hard work. his complaint made me feel that his remorse was not real. am i right to think so? 5. i called him immediately after i got home and said i'd like to give it another try. however, he has become distanced and cold since then and said he felt very hurt during the whole thing and needed to be alone. i felt that some of my words may have hurt him and apologized, but he responded very cold. he never called or txted me since then. when i called him and talked about my feelings once, he asked me to cut it short cuz he had not much time. meanwhile, he indicated that he wants me to stay around while he is considering if he would like to have another try. i feel so hurt by all this and don't know why i am still expecting something for us. i think i am confused, and somehow trapped in something i don't know about. i am not sure why i am still waiting and hoping the relationship could work out. i don't know.
hrtingsobd Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Your feelings are normal. In any relationship, trust is the key ingredient. Once trust is violated, it is extrememly difficult to get back. You may kill it with constantly talking about it with him. Would he be willing to go to a therapist a few times to help u work it out? If so, my wholehearted recommendation would be to do that. Good luck.
Author flow Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 thanks, hrtingsobd. i don't think we could find a good therapist at where we live. but did it mean that something was wrong with him or our relationship that it happened in the first place? how to tell if he was truly remorseful and would never do it again? shouldn't he understand i need time to get over this and help me if he really wants to be with me? sorry i just have so many questions.
jmargel Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 when i called him and talked about my feelings once, he asked me to cut it short cuz he had not much time meanwhile, he indicated that he wants me to stay around while he is considering if he would like to have another try/ To put it in another term: "I really don't care about your feelings now since *I* am the one hurt. I really wasn't upset that I did it, but that I got caught. I still want to have my fun with her but I want you to stay around because I really don't want you having someone else." "As you can see, I am very immature and selfish. I was only with you for a couple of months and I already cheated on you. Women come and go and I know what to say to pull on their heartstrings. Right now I am playing hard to get because as a player knows, women love the challenge. They love the chase, and since my fake crying and pleading didn't do it for you, I will do the opposite. However you pissed me off so on top of this I will see this other chick again". In my opinion, stay away from this guy. He has major maturity problems and unless you want to be babysitting this kid, find a real man who will treat you like you should be treated.
Author flow Posted December 22, 2006 Author Posted December 22, 2006 jmargel, your words cleared my thoughts a lot. deep down i had been denying that he could be so selfish and inmature. a sense of failure, i guess, made me forget to choose a partner i would REALLY enjoy my life with. thanks so much.
jmargel Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 You're welcome.. post here as much as you like.
pennyjosix Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 i hate when people use alcohol as an excuse. it's your own fault that you got intoxicated enough to not remember so it's still all on you.
daphne Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 margel cut to the chase. This guy is turning things around on you. It's your fault that you can't trust him again. Well I wonder why. People will treat you as poorly as you allow them to. You need to choose someone who won't turn things around on you, screw up and them blame you. This is almost sociopathic. If this is a new relationship, you can only expect it to get worse. Please, do yourself a favor and RUN AS FAST AS YOUR LITTLE LEGS CAN CARRY YOU.
LakesideDream Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 You are both adults. You both made a choice. His was to sleep with a co-worker while in a supposedly committed relationship. Yours was to kick him to the curb. Why are you agonizing over your decision? You know that what he did was a "deal breaker". If you let him back into your life and bed you will never have any real equality in the relationship. The real truth is that you will never forgive, or forget the betrayal. You may supress it for awhile, however it will poison your relations with this guy forever. Move on.
Author flow Posted December 24, 2006 Author Posted December 24, 2006 guys, thanks a lot for your words. i am getting better each day. still thinking too much during the day and in dream. guess it is normal to feel bad about the loss, even though it may actually be a good thing to leave. i hesitated because he apologized, cried, talked with me for hours nights after nights, trying to understand and help me get over my hurt feelings for 2 months ... i hesitated because i felt that he may have been truly sorry for that night, had tried his best, but not good, or strong, or long enough to comfort me so i won't think or talk about it again. i felt sad because people would say love when they actually do not really know what love is really supposed to mean, or they are using the word in a sense different from my understanding, but i just don't know. here probably is the only place where i could just let my tears running down instead of pretending that i am fine. but i will be fine, maybe sooner than i think right now. happy holidays to you all.
Author flow Posted December 25, 2006 Author Posted December 25, 2006 just a thought and some of you may think it stupid. when the cheating SO was truly sorry, never denied that it was his mistake to cheat, tried everything he could to make you trust him again, maybe he deserved a second chance, in a respectful way. i felt uncomfortable with my decision because deep down i sensed his sincerity, but my fear prevented me from being more open to see what he had done, and made me to burn him down with harsh words and strong negative emotions. those were all normal reactions. the problem is that sometimes natural flow of emotions could do unrepairable damages. i am not trying to blame myself or to find excuse for him. the fact is, he is a human, and i should not have expected him to be super strong to deal with all my emotions. we could not find a neutral third party to help us with communications. we were on our own, and it was damn hard. i think it takes true love for the cheated to not to get angry, but to ask quietly what the cheating SO really needs. true love does not control the partner, but sets him free, acknowledging that he might just be better off with someone else, and he has the right to do so (needless to say, not the right to cheat). hurt, yes - felt like a knife stabbed in the heart, but who allowed it? difficult to let go, yes - after all, there were reasons that i felt happy with him, and they no longer existed after he made the mistake? hard to forgive and forget, yes - even though he made many efforts, i still thought they were not good enough. Was it really because they were just not good enough or because of my own fear? let go, let go, let go ... life is full of risks.
Madeamistake Posted December 27, 2006 Posted December 27, 2006 Uhh! I would just leave it at that. In the past. 1. If he for one still wants to be friends with this girl, thats a no-go! Not good at all. 2. How did you find out, through snooping? 3. He did not use protection. Forget STDs, what about AIDS? 4. He did not want to talk about it. He did not want to answer any questions to the problems that he caused? O.K? Yep. As anyone would tell you, just leave. Look, if you had cheated then I would on him too, then I would understand. Otherwise, bugger that. You have not betrayed him, he betrayed you! It should be about you, not anybody else. Good luck!
stillafool Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Jmargel was correct. This guy reminds me or a former bf of mine. Same thing, dated for 2 months seeing each other all the time. Passion was off the charts and then his ex gf came to town and I caught him at his house with her naked. He didn't even try to contact me until 9 hours later after she left and blamed the whole thing on her and wanted me to get over it right away. I like a fool (in love) believed his lies and low and behold that just opened the door to him cheating on me with other women for 2 more years. Your bf was not that drunk that he doesn't remember what happened and by his attitude he will cheat again if it was that easy for him. I know it hurts now but it is best to get over this hurt and save your heart from future destruction by this guy. Tell him so long and good luck. Also like one poster said you teach people how to treat you.
Author flow Posted January 15, 2007 Author Posted January 15, 2007 he contacted me on my birthday. he indicated that he made special efforts to get TWO tickets for an event (basically he liked) and wished I could go with him. at first i acted indifferently. I was not really interested. but then he txted me and said he really wanted me to go. So I went with him and actually enjoyed the event. we came out late and i had thought of going straight home afterwards, but he said he wanted to invite me to dinner since it was my birthday. and we had dinner together. we did not talk at all about our relationship during the dinner or afterwards. we then went to a prescheduled ski the weekend before last. it was all fun and light. he was acting as if we were still together during these getting-togethers, and telling me those little things about his life. so i asked a couple of days ago if he was ready to talk, and he replied he would like to take it easy and hoping that time will drop the bad things and that i am free to make whatever decisions i like. I was angry about his reply. don't know what he meant by "bad things." Is he playing the role of victim as if i have hurt him deeply when trying to get over his cheating and now he is so weak to make any decision of his own but would accept any of my decision? Or is he just not willing to accept any responsibility for ultimate ending of the relationship? or probably he really needs time to come to his senses? should i just tell him to **** off? not by really saying so, but with my complete silence?
Guest Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'd cut my losses now if I were you. The cheating was bad; him turning around and blaming you for being upset is even worse.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2007 Posted January 15, 2007 Just back off of him. He cheated, not you. Until he shows you respect, and is willing to talk, make changes, there is no point of getting together with him. Tell him that you need time alone and go from there. He isn't stupid, he'll figure it out...
Wantingtogetitright Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 he is not remorseful, does not want to discuss what happened and doesn't care about you. This guy is a wanker of the highest order and will cheat on you again if you go back to him. I would lay my house on it. You need someone who cherishes you and treats you with respect. My biggest concern out of your recent post was the fact that youhad no other plans for your birthday and were free to say how high when he said jump. This I believe is the crux of things. Your life needs to be full and a partner will come along and add to that not fill it. Hence the reason you are allowing this prick to abuse you in this way. Sorry if that sounds awful but this is just going on the information you have posted here. Regardless, drop him, lose him, fill your life with good things and good things from good people will come.
Author flow Posted January 16, 2007 Author Posted January 16, 2007 i finally clearly told him not to contact me until he is ready to talk. he sounded upset by this request and sent me an email accusing me of being too harsh over things of no big deal. his email actually made me laugh. you are right. there are people who just cannot love or appreciate or cherish or respect. my train has stayed for way too long at his shabby station. ready to move on.
Wantingtogetitright Posted January 16, 2007 Posted January 16, 2007 harsh over things of no big deal, yup total prick! No morals, no values, and no concern for your core values. Stick to your guns and find a man who shares your views on things important to you or at the very least respects them and does nothing to harm them. You go girl!!
Author flow Posted January 17, 2007 Author Posted January 17, 2007 thank you, guys. wish I had requested NC in the way 2long suggested. It would be much more powerful. he did admit before the email that he was not sure what he wanted but would like me to stay off the market. that was i guess why he got so upset by my NC request because he would not be able to control the situation from now on. i was thinking a person with integrity may still get confused sometimes but would still be fair and respect the other person at least. i would understand his emotion if it was regret or sorrow, but not anger towards me. it seems that some people really do not know how to appreciate others' kindness and tolerance. what they do is to abuse whenever they feel they've got a chance.
Author flow Posted January 18, 2007 Author Posted January 18, 2007 i am learning to draw the fine line between taking care of someone in a relationship and being responsible for his happiness. he was not considerate, did not treat me with respect, and sometimes acted as if he was just totally ignorant of the obvious negative impact of his way of doing things on other people. he explicitly asked me to coach him, but i just could not believe that he, at his age, still needed me to tell him to be polite to my parents and my friends, or not to call his female boss a bitch over and over again in front me even if he was not happy to work with her. it took time and pains for me to believe an otherwise attractive man could be so immature and selfish.
Salicious Crumb Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 Short answer...no, you should not get back with him. He has proven himself untrustworthy. Once a cheater always a cheater...move on and find someone decent.
Guest Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 Had to say you hit it right on the head! I just broke up with my boyfriend after catching him talking to four girls...initiating the convos to get attention and definitely being physical with one. Anyway...he did all the same things she said..and now thinks we are taking "time off" and will try again in a few weeks. wait? Take afew weeks off to have fun with those girls and then come back to me for awhile until he is ready for another fun stint? My point is...my ex will never change and neither will hers. They are inmature, selfish men who prey on constantly feeling wanted by women. They will never change...so walk away now with your self respect. It may be hard...I know. I feel terrible, but I would never give him a second chance.
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