Well it's been almost 2 months since break-up and N/C...

[miss snoopy]

... and although I'm not doing it (NC) to get him back, I suppose a part of me wanted him to miss me. Anyway have stayed away from his emails etc for a while but have now discovered he sent an email to a friend last night - he hasn't spoken to this friend since before we split up - and said friend asked about me. My ex told him he ditched me as I turned out to be a bunny boiler and he became fearful of his life. I just find it so odd he's sticking to this story when it's so blatantly rubbish, he just has committment problems plus narcissistic traits. Yes I was insecure and all that but I know how he dumped his "perfect" and "very secure" ex for the stupid reason that she was becoming too comfortable in the relationship and he wanted to travel the world (he did/is doing no such thing btw) and still selfishly keeps her hopeful by dropping the odd romantic phrase in an email... but she's in another country so no threat. If she emailed him to tell him she was coming to stay for 6 months I think she'll see his true colours and what a great "friend" he is. But that's her problem...

 

He's now back on match.com with a nonsensical profile - nonsensical because I know what a sh*t he is and some poor woman will be taken by his lies. He has joined a couple more sites, posting the same trash. Interestingly, the profile of who he's looking for describes me to a T (clearly without the psycho tendencies)

 

Just thought I'd ventilate. Don't know why I haven't gotten over him, I have no wish to get back to him but I can't believe he's out there saying all this stuff about me t his friends... STILL

 

If I was a true psycho, would I have had no contact for almost 2 months?

I feel like contacting him just for the fun of it but I know it'll only confuse me so I won't.

[MagnoliaJane]

Miss Snoopy,

 

That he calls you a bunny boiler says everything about him and nothing about you. He's forgetting it takes two to be in a relationship... so he was in there as well.

 

Did he have a bunny btw (just kiddin')?

 

Blaming the other person for the reason why he "had" to dump you (poor him, you left him no choice) is just so un-classy... yikes!

 

His behavior kinda tells me he likes to hear nothing but good things about himself, while he holds the right to trash others. Those are truly the kind of people who leave us behind scarred.

 

I'm trying to heal from these scars myself, and haven't figured out yet how. It's not easy to love yourself when your SO just crushed your self-image.

 

Yet every day is a new day, and a new chance to leave this hurt behind us! Hang in there! Be sad, be ANGRY, VENT, process the pain, and LIVE!

 

Tell us how you're trying to find ways to get rid of the scars.

[D-Lish]

I'm always in awe of those people out there who claim that they don't care about what others think of them. I don't know if that says they are brimming with self confidence, or just lacking in introspection.

But I'm not one of those people- I care about what others think about me, and when someone you love and care about trashes your character, well, it stands to reason, that it's going to have an impact.

 

I guess what I am trying to do at the moment is seperate the things my ex said said to me that had some truth- and the things he said that were rubbish and just meant to be hurtful. I want to learn from my experience, so I really do want to work on the things about me that need fixing.

 

I think that's the best revenge against a nasty ex- coming out of the experience, happier and more together than ever before.

 

My ex was really hateful when he dumped me. I know that to this day that he has convinced himself he hates me. That's hard for me to deal with- the thought that someone I loved and loved me now thinks of me as awful. That's why it's important to seperate the truth from the bulls**t.

 

So, work on what needs fixing, and disregard the parts of the attack that are meaningless. Once you (we) are able to do this, we'll be ready to accept a healthy relationship with the kind of person that is more deserving of us.

 

Take care,

D

[miss snoopy]

Thanks Magnolia Jane and D Lish. There certainly is some truth in what he's thinking - he went from being very loving and caring to breaking up in one hour and I reacted very badly to the latter. In the past I've reacted with sadness but dignity, for some reason I just lost it this time, barricading him in my apartment and I suppose not being in his head, I had no idea how this was coming across. How would any LS-er feel if someone (friend, sibling) barricaded them somewhere when for whatever reason you wanted to leave? Is it really that scary? And why isn't absence making the heart go fonder - if anything he seemed more detached and cold when talking about it to his mate.

 

He remains in touch with his ex before me via email but for some reason has frozen me out and talks about me as I said, so coldly. Do people think this shows indifference/he doesn't care at all or did what I do/how I acted hurt him? I wish I could stop thinking about it all but it just won't go away.

 

I know he's never going to call me as he doesn't have much willpower when we're "speaking" - we have always had an "I call, he runs" relationship where I 100% called the shots and I know if I call, I can say enough to make him want to see me again - so he has everything to gain by maintaining NC. I think I want to break it to regain some of my power... it's all so confusing!

[pennyjosix]

He sounds very prideful which is why he is turned this situation around solely on you. You are better off without him dear.

[Guest]

i stopped assuming reasons a long time ago. that's a fools game and i would guess wrong anyway.

 

hey, for what its worth my ex gf is free to her feelings, her thoughts and her actions, and its not my place to say if they are true or false - they are hers and represent how she feels at the moment so thats a truth when u look at it that way. just because i hold no fear, no anger, no resentment, no bitterness, and keep this private - in no way means she has to do the same thing. she can drive by my house and throw eggs at the window and set a paper bag full of crap in front of my car, she can pretend to be me and go on dating sites acting all pervy, or call roto rotor to my house every second week - and what that means to me, is that she thinking about me and that is something special [lol] - see, when u don't take things so seriously, u can handle anything

[miss snoopy]

You're both right - he knows he had no real reason to end it when and how he did (my "behaviour" happened after he told me he didn't want to continue with the relationship) yet he keeps saying he broke up with me because I was psycho. What a screwed up man. Goodness knows what he's thinking, a part of me suspects he ended it because deep down he feels inadequate, that I'm better than him - better looking (if you can compare and man and a woman) better educated, better job, earn 4 times what he does, have loads more friends, a better social life, my own apartment, car etc. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm bigging myself up especially as these things do not matter to me (or else I won't have dated him - he can't afford a car, lives in a dark, dingy rented room in a rough neighbourhood, has a dead-end job..) anyway have a hot date this evening so the less time and energy spent thinking about him the better!

[JCD]

As long as you know who you are then who cares about what others think of you.

[D-Lish]

Just remember that people will often say a myriad of things about their ex after a break up. It's often a tactic to justify the break up to oneself- if you can convince yourself that your ex is the devil incarnate... then it makes it easier to move on.

 

I make derogatory statements about my ex all the time... but it's more of a defence mechanism. My ex said awful things to me when we broke up- a lot of it was completely untrue, but some of it was fair. I am learning to seperate the truth from the BS.

 

We all have moments of a little "craziness"... In a moment of anger I once pelted my ex husband with a bunch of shoes when he was trying to come up the basement stairs...then I locked him in the basement for a while. So, don't feel so bad about a moment of poor judgement. It doesn't make you psycho, making mistakes is a part of being human.

[Krying]

I've not said a bad word about my ex to anyone. My friends have done all the trash talking about her. I think they find it odd I don't hate her, and have and will not go in that direction. Maybe that's because I am that eternal sucker guy, the nice guy you know. It's not that I don't get angry or pissed. I'm a super tolerant person, but when I break after being prodded/niggled/annoyed for too long a time, things get broken.

 

I'm at 2.5 months myself. My pain is lesser, but my feelings of intensity for my loved one hasn't changed. I don't think of her as much, but when I do, it's just as intense and even more so than ever. I'm not giving up though. Despite everyone's best intentions, I'm a stubborn person sometimes, and saying I should move on, I still believe wrongfully or right only time will tell, that I will get another chance with her. I still wish that more than anything.

[JCD]

Krying, it's only been two months so the pain is still there. Give it some more time. Don't try to put too much weight on your feelings for her. She is replaceable. It really doesn't do you much good to wallow in self pity because it can not go on forever. People will get tired of you and while you're being unhappy, she is probably happy with someone else and doesn't think at all about you. You would be hurting only yourself. So that is why you must go on and find someone new that will take your mind off your ex. Most will eventually get tired of feeling unhappy and will move on. Just don't do anything irrational because a woman is not worth it.

[D-Lish]

I've not said a bad word about my ex to anyone. My friends have done all the trash talking about her. I think they find it odd I don't hate her, and have and will not go in that direction.

 

It's funny Krying... but my ex husband and I divorced because during a trial seperation he "accidentally" knocked up another woman. The pain was unbearable- and I went through a really hard time, but I never uttered a bad word about him. Not to my family or friends or even my therapist! lol. We remain friends to this day, and I still have a lot of love and respect for him. I'm not in love with him- but the time we shared was special, and he truly was a kind and likeable guy...we just weren't right for each other. SO I understand where you are coming from.

 

Getting over someone you love adheres to no definitive timeline. It's been four months since my recent break up, and I still love him dearly. I know for sure we'll never get back together and I don't hold on to any hope. But the pain still lingers on.

 

When you're ready, you'll start moving forward. Something I've learned is to live each day as if they are never coming back. That thought process is helping me to get "unstuck". It's the best thing we can do for ourselves. Your ex may have a change of heart, or she may not. But living each day "hoping" will keep you stagnant.

 

I just want to get through the holidays and enter into the new year with a new perspective on life. Being single sucks ass... but it's better than being with someone who doesn't love you the way you need them to.

 

You just have to find the confident, happy guy within you. That's going to take some work. But working on yourself is another way to distract you from the thoughts of your ex...and slowly but surely, as small accomplishments come to fruition, you'll find yourself more and more in a better place.

 

Sometimes it seems like sadness and disappointment come so easily in life, but finding happiness is hard work. My new year's resolution is to work harder at my own happiness- maybe that way I will be in a better position to find the love I deserve. You deserve happiness too, don't rob yourself of that by letting the grief consume you. It's much easier to fall into a hole than it is to climb out of it. But you will, we all will, and as cliche as it sounds... when you come through a crisis, you'll be stronger.

 

Just remember that your happiness isn't contingent on having the love of your ex. It's up to you and what you make of it.

D

[Krying]

JCD, my feelings towards my ex were the strongest, most honest and real I have ever felt for anyone in my life. She may be replaceable, but I want her and only her. So as of right now and probably for quite sometime, I can think of no one else but her. I don't talk to my friends about her anymore and haven't for quite sometime. I try and be positive around people and don't mope around. But when by myself, I am sad and despondent. In this aspect it's a private pain I'm going through.

 

D, you know I was always a happy person. Very self content too. When my ex left me, I fell into and still am in a depression and feelings of unhappiness. That's not to say my life is bad, but rather, I miss so much the one that I love, everything else just feels hollow without her. This is changing for the better on a daily basis, but it will be hard to even get back to the stage I was at before meeting my ex. I was happier with her than at any other time in my adult life. I was never an unhappy person, but with her, I finally found someone that I could relate to, be honest with etc. in a relationship. She brought out a side of me I knew I had in me, but just wasn't able to express with previous girls. There will always be a hole in me because of this. I know I deserve happiness, but for some strange reason, holding onto the hope (it feels real btw lol) that we will in time end up back together actually gives me more hope and makes me happy than simply accepting I've lost her forever. I know I can't live like this for the rest of my days, but right now I guess I actually get comfort in thinking of her. As I've mentioned before, I have had other girls I knew try to start relationships with me. Heck one of them was very very serious in her feelings for me. But I felt nothing in return. She was a nice girl too. But you have to have some spark or attraction in a relationship and it wasn't there at all. So in some sense I feel like a loser that I lost my ex and couldn't keep her. And in another, I feel lost due to the very real posibility I will never find another girl I feel the same for or even more so than my ex. I don't want to settle for someone I don't have any spark with, but the fear of loneliness does strange things to people as you get older and older. In the end, you stop holding onto the hope you will find that certain person you were "meant to be with". Heck I don't even believe in that meant to be crap anyways.

 

Maybe I'm a sappy person, but the holding onto the hope I will end up back with my ex down the line feels romantic. No matter what she did to me, I was still there for her. I never gave up on her. That is what love is anyways. Unwavering, unrelenting faith in a person no matter what. Never being critical and always being accepting of that person. Always willing to do anything for them and never expecting or requiring anything in return. Ok, time for someone to slap me I guess. I think I was born in the wrong millennium of something. I have a faithfulness/stubbornness and one tracked mind that probably would have been better seen on a battlefield or something lol.

[D-Lish]

Krying,

 

Actually, I find your positivity and hopeful demeanour quite inspiring.

 

Just don't become focused on the possibility that no other woman can provide you with the same fulfillment. I've been through a few long term break-ups, and a divorce in my lifetime, and I find myself in my mid-thirties wondering if the right man is actually out there for me.

 

Whereas you have a romantic outlook on a reconciliation with your ex... I still cling to a romatic notion that the right man will come along and sweep me off my feet.

 

I'm in a different situation than you. I know my ex wasn't a perfect match for me. i think I was willing to settle because I was feeling lonley. I realize now that I am looking back and painting a perfect picture of who my ex was. I'm in love with the ideal I created post break up... but if I'm being honest with myself, he really wasn't the right man for me.

 

If you're not ready to give up on your love, then don't give up.

I don't like it when people suggest I "get over it already and move on"... so I wouldn never suggest that to you.

 

You have a plan in place to win her back?

D

[Krying]

Hey D. Merry Christmas BTW to you and everyone here.

 

To be honest my ex may not have been the best person for me, but my feelings for her tell me all I need to know. Warts and all I loved her completely. However, I'm not closed to the notion that another girl will win my heart. I must say I don't feel positive that I will meet that person anytime soon, or ever though. There is no light at the end of the tunnel at the moment and that is the first time in my life I’ve felt this way. I only feel for my ex and only her. Still, if I was to find a girl who was better than my ex, that I felt attraction for, that I could see a future with, then of course I would take that chance.

 

Despite my love for my ex, my head tells me that even if I did get another chance with her, it would not be anytime soon. She is married now, and rumored to be pregnant with this guy. I will not interfere with her marriage despite not liking the guy or agreeing with her choice. I must continue to do the honorable thing and respect her decision. So sadly, no I have no plan to win her back. I’m not a linguistic master or anything, and email is really the only real way I can reach her. Even then, I have no right to contact her now she is married. I guess I was thinking I would be her rock and be there for her once her marriage crumbled. Will it fail? Only time will tell. There’s a good chance it will though. That’s not just me saying it, but virtually all our mutual friends. Even her own family thought this guy was just a fling and passing fancy. I don’t doubt they are in “love” with each other, but for some people lust is actually the driving force. Lust never lasts, love does.

 

I realize I probably come across as a love struck nut job who can’t let go. Simply put, I miss her, I love her and I would take her back instantly. But I won't wait forever for her. I know if I find another girl I feel strongly for, I will go for it. That's not to say I would give up on my ex. If I don’t find another girl, I will never lose my desire to be there for my ex when her marriage fails. That’s the only thing that’s going to heal me and get this ex out of my heart. Another girl, or time. And by time I mean years. For those who say you cannot live like this, I agree. However I’ve lost all hope in my life. My heart was completely crushed. The only hope I have in my life now is the currently impossible chance my ex will return. It may not be conventional, but it helps get me through the day with less pain than accepting I am alone, may always be alone, and may never find another person to love in this way. May God help me now and forever.

[Guest]

Wedding Anniversary. Date 4th June 2005

 

to the person i once loved, please have a great marriage. i wish u both much happiness. there is no need to worry about me any longer, nor think silence is needed. feel free in the knowledge that my time has passed and i wish u both much joy.

[D-Lish]

Merry x-mas to you too Krying,

 

you've been put through the ringer this past year.

I hope the new year brings you better times.

 

D

[Krying]

I hope so too D. I really hope so. I was so close to having a life I had always dreamed of with my ex. Now I have to bottle up all those emotions, dreams and everything else, and carrying on like it's business as usual. We'll see what happens in the coming year. No doubt I will still be on here crying in my posts though. Fairy tales are just that. Having a wonderful person just appear in your life is basically a fairy tale too to me. I want it, I can taste it, but I'm outside the jar looking in. That's as close as I got, and I don't see anything in the future that will change that.