GreenEyedLady Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 If your MM left his W (or MW left H), would you want to get married to him/her soon? I'm just asking because I noticed on most of the threads the prevailing line of thought is that if he does leave, alot of people only think the R is legitimate (successful) if it ends with marrying the OW/OM...Do you want him/her to leave so that you can marry them? Or just be in a relationship with them...
alphamale Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 If your MM left his W (or MW left H), ... GEL...you know as well as I do that that rarely happens.
Author GreenEyedLady Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 GEL...you know as well as I do that that rarely happens. I'm sorry AM it DOES happen, half the people who have divorced that I know have left for someone else...
MuffinMan Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 If your MM left his W (or MW left H), would you want to get married to him/her soon? I'm just asking because I noticed on most of the threads the prevailing line of thought is that if he does leave, alot of people only think the R is legitimate (successful) if it ends with marrying the OW/OM...Do you want him/her to leave so that you can marry them? Or just be in a relationship with them... Even though I've known my MW for 15 years, I would to date for a while. I think the relationship is successful if you realize the love you have and are able to share that love without any distractions.
kellyp1 Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 I would want to date him for awhile first. I would want to start over and get to know each other again as I am sure the divorce would change him a little. But in my case, it would never happen. I will love him from the background.
ratingsguy Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 If your MM left his W (or MW left H), would you want to get married to him/her soon? I'm just asking because I noticed on most of the threads the prevailing line of thought is that if he does leave, alot of people only think the R is legitimate (successful) if it ends with marrying the OW/OM...Do you want him/her to leave so that you can marry them? Or just be in a relationship with them... Great question GEL. I'm proud of my MW for leaving her H finally. But I know that she left him not because of me, but because she had to. You've heard the stories I've told about how she's felt so miserable in her marriage that she's had to be rushed to the hospital on more than one occasion because of a panic attack and seizure. We love each other very much, but I'm not in a rush to get married. We know how we feel and I don't think it's necessary to marry as soon as possible... neither of us have anything to prove. We do want to be in a legitimate relationship. Today we talked about going away on vacation without having to "hide it". Just thinking about that, that is so cool! Bottom line, if we do get married, it's not going to be forced. If things continue the way they are, I will likely propose. But now that we can have a normal relationship where hiding stuff is a thing of the past, it will hopefully progress and we'll see where it goes. I'm extremely optimistic. Just gotta take it one day at a time. No need to hurry. Honestly, one day I would love to be married to her, but I'm not going to marry her for the sake of marrying her. She'll be the first to tell you, that's how she got into this predictament with her H 21 years ago!
Can'tGiveUp Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 He is someone I want to spend my life with...marriage is not a requirement, though I would do that... Because of the involvement of children..."soon" becomes a relative term. If he left W, there would be no way we would try to co-mingle households immediately. He would have to establish his own place etc... The reality is that he is likely not going to leave her...
Author GreenEyedLady Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 He is someone I want to spend my life with...marriage is not a requirement, though I would do that... I'm with you here...I want him to be my companion and partner for life, but I don't know that I would ever want to be married again...
Guest Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 I cannott wait to get married! As soon as it becomes legal, that is. When is that? If his divorce is legalized today at 10am, can I marry him in the afternoon???
Can'tGiveUp Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 companion and partner for life I love how that sounds...maybe because my exH never really ended up filling the role...
Trialbyfire Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Perhaps I don't fully understand what an OW/OM is. There's reference in this thread to people leaving their spouses for others. To me it's reliant on the circumstances and the duration of the affair. If someone decides to leave their spouse for someone else whereby there's only been an attraction versus an acted on attraction, to me that constitutes a marriage that doesn't survive, with no real OW or OM involved. If someone remains in an affair for an extended length of time, this is when the title of OW or OM comes into play. Sure, there are many people who leave marriages. Most of the time it is for someone else but it does not always include a full-blown affair, which to me, is the worst part.
bonehead Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 alot of people only think the R is legitimate (successful) if it ends with marrying the OW/OM Do I like the idea of marrying her? Yes I do. Is that the " successful " outcome? Hardly. That piece of paper and those vows mean nothing towards the success of a relationship. If they did we wouldnt be in this position.
sadie b Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 i agree with everyone on here. I think that it is difficult to think of marriage in a good light when you are involved in someone elses and essentially the problems, destruction etc. For me marriage would not be essential, a real realationship with someone you truely love does not need to be cemented by marriage in my case. I would never say never but then getting to that point seems a long way away when you are OW.
yousaveme Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 We have actually talked about this one. I dont like talking about it much since it brings up waiting for the kids best interest. But we have talked about being married. Its something we both want.
PoshPrincess Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 My ex-MM is the only man in my life I have ever truly loved enough to have considered marrying. I have always been quite anti-marriage and still am in some ways. That said, I would definitly have wanted to do the whole dating thing with him first although I have a young son so am not in a position to rush into that sort of thing lightly, espcially, I have to say, with someone who has already broken his marriage vows once. Anyway, it's not an issue for me now as we're no longer together. I definitely don't think an EA ending in M necessarily means a "sucessful" ending. As someone else suggested, we know from LS that M doesn't equal "successful relationship" anyway. What constitutes successful? Only staying together 'til death us do part'? I suppose that is the only successful ending there is.
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 I cannott wait to get married! As soon as it becomes legal, that is. When is that? If his divorce is legalized today at 10am, can I marry him in the afternoon??? Any normal and sane person would NOT marry so quickly after a divorce. People need time to heal and be on their own, get used to life again with all the changes. If someone were to marry that quickly, I would wonder wtf is the big rush.
Meaplus3 Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 If your MM left his W (or MW left H), would you want to get married to him/her soon? I'm just asking because I noticed on most of the threads the prevailing line of thought is that if he does leave, alot of people only think the R is legitimate (successful) if it ends with marrying the OW/OM...Do you want him/her to leave so that you can marry them? Or just be in a relationship with them... A while back I could say that If MM told me he would leave his wife for me I would have left my H to try and pursue a relationship. I don't know that I would want to be married again. I don't think a piece of paper makes for a great long lasting relationship. I believe it's true compatibility, passion, communication, trust, love and much more. I know now that most of my feeling's for MM are that of a Fantasy, so I don't think if he came running to my door today that I could say "Yes I will leave to be with you", Don't think it would work. AP
Guest Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Any normal and sane person would NOT marry so quickly after a divorce. People need time to heal and be on their own, get used to life again with all the changes. If someone were to marry that quickly, I would wonder wtf is the big rush. What if our relationship ripened, we knew the divorce will soon be granted so we've been preparing and are all ready for our new marriage? It was an exaggeration when I gave the hours of the day, but it could be a few days, 2 weeks..
Tough Girl Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 What if our relationship ripened, we knew the divorce will soon be granted so we've been preparing and are all ready for our new marriage? It was an exaggeration when I gave the hours of the day, but it could be a few days, 2 weeks.. Only you know the particulars of your situation. If you can look honestly at yourself and your relationship and say that it is ready, then who cares about how long it is. I do agree though that the ex-MM needs time to "settle". But how long that is depends on how long the separation was, how long it took for the D to go through, etc.
Meredith63 Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 We got married three months after his D was final. That was a good number of years ago. No regrets here.....
movinon05 Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 I would've married exMM as soon as I could have but looking back now, I realize that would not have been smart. (And I don't mean that just because the A is ended now). Going through D is a painful process. You need time to adjust to your new life, dealing with children and their needs.) Its just not a good time to go jumping into a M. I've got the benefit of hindsight now.
bonehead Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 I would've married exMM as soon as I could have but looking back now, I realize that would not have been smart. (And I don't mean that just because the A is ended now). Going through D is a painful process. You need time to adjust to your new life, dealing with children and their needs.) Its just not a good time to go jumping into a M. I've got the benefit of hindsight now. This is the biggest reason I am glad my MW said something about her feelings when she did. It caused me to wait, which I am very thankful for. No matter how bad the marriage was, there needs to be a healing period.
frannie Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 Do I like the idea of marrying her? Yes I do. Is that the " successful " outcome? Hardly. That piece of paper and those vows mean nothing towards the success of a relationship. If they did we wouldnt be in this position. Got to agree with that. A successful relationship is what I want, marriage is neither here nor there where that is concerned. Having said that, I've never been married, but I would marry him. Because... we're just 'right' together, and I think that this relationship is one that I would want to commit to, and I think that it is one he would be happy in.
frannie Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 Oh, but... he will have to wait two years anyway between separating and divorcing: five years if she does not agree. That's just how it is here. So... there's no rushing happening in any case.
Guest Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Is this the consensus: If a MM has made up his mind to leave W for OW, then it's better he does so ASAP (and tells W ASAP). But after divorce, it's better to wait for some time before marrying again. ?
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