MuffinMan Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 First of all I want to thank everyone for their advice on what to say to my MW. She decided it was best for us not to meet, which I was disappointed but understood, and we decided to say what we had to say over the phone. I took everyone's advice and made everything about her. I didn't mention her H one time in the conversation. I told her I was cutting off the lines of communication with her. If she tried to call me I would not answer. If she emailed me I would not respond. I made it clear that I respected her decision to try to work things out with her husband without me in the picture. She thanked me for respecting her decision and said this was going to be just as hard for her as it was for me. I told her I was going to work on my life and put the pieces back together. We agreed that 90 days would be enough time to see if things were going to work out on that end. After 90 days, if she still has strong feelings for me we are going to talk. If not, she understands that I'm moving on without her. She knows the door will be closed forever at that point. She kept saying that this is very hard on her, and she started crying. I felt sorry for her for a minute then I had to remember I didn't make the decision. The only thing I asked her to do was take away all the outside factors and listen to her heart. It's not fair to anyone involved for her to feel the way she does about me. So now I'm on the 90 day journey of NC with her. It's going to be hard, but I know I can make it. Time to keep myself really busy. She is going to call me on April 2, 2007 and tell me where she stands. I really appreciate everyone's advice. It makes this thing a little easier knowing I'm not the only one.
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 She's doing the right thing, even though I'm sure it's hard on you. Definately keep busy, hang with friends, family and even join a gym!
oyster Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Man, I had tears in my eyes, heart beating when reading this update because I can relate and this is like a preview of my own life. First week of Jan 07, I should be receiving a phone call from my MW. Think, she will say the same thing, won't meet in person, talk over phone, crying etc. 3 outcomes: 1-MW still confuse and want more time:sick: 2-MW working on her marriage forever, I go away:lmao: 3-MW start signing paper and we have future together:p
Can'tGiveUp Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 We agreed that 90 days would be enough time to see if things were going to work out on that end. After 90 days, if she still has strong feelings for me we are going to talk. Just a word to the wise...when my R ended with my MM the 1st time it was in order for him to move back with W and reconcile. After 18 mos of NC (there was no intention of us getting together again - at the time), we recognized that we both still had "strong feelings" for each other. Now we are in an A. The time may not (and likely won't) minimalize the feelings. The key is for her to make a decision in that time frame. Good luck in following through if the answer is something along the lines of "I still have strong feelings for you...but..."
Author MuffinMan Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 She's doing the right thing, even though I'm sure it's hard on you. Definately keep busy, hang with friends, family and even join a gym! I know in my heart she is doing the right thing. I also know that if she decides to leave it was after she gave the marriage a chance without me being in the picture. You are correct when you say it's hard on me, but this is the best thing for both us. I'll be divorced and trying to get back to a normal single life. Thanks for the input.
Author MuffinMan Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 Man, I had tears in my eyes, heart beating when reading this update because I can relate and this is like a preview of my own life. First week of Jan 07, I should be receiving a phone call from my MW. Think, she will say the same thing, won't meet in person, talk over phone, crying etc. 3 outcomes: 1-MW still confuse and want more time:sick: 2-MW working on her marriage forever, I go away:lmao: 3-MW start signing paper and we have future together:p I want to thank you for all your help. You really helped bring the words I needed to say out of my mouth. There were actually a couple of times during the conversation I paused and said to myself, what would oyster say in this situation? I could tell she was hurting just as much as I was hurting. She is trying to make it work for her family and I came to the conclusion I had to respect that more than anything. She is a really great person, and even though I'm not getting what I want, I have to make myself stay away. We are both people that gets what we want and she acknowledged that in our conversation. She said she knew I was the type of person gets what I want because she knows she is the same way. She went on to say she knew how hard this was on me because it was killing her. There is no doubt in my mind that she loves me and that is enough for me right now. If that love stays then I think I'll be happy in the end. If not, I know I did what I had to do to try to make things right. 1-I can't give her more time. NO WAY I'm going back. 2-If she wants to work on the marriage forever I have to respect it and move on. 3-If she calls and says find me a place to live I'm moving out, I'll be ecstatic. I'm going to approcah this situation that she isn't going to leave so I won't set myself up for disappointment. Once again I want to thank you. You don't realize how much you helped me today.
Author MuffinMan Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 We agreed that 90 days would be enough time to see if things were going to work out on that end. After 90 days' date=' if she still has strong feelings for me we are going to talk. Just a word to the wise...when my R ended with my MM the 1st time it was in order for him to move back with W and reconcile. After 18 mos of NC (there was no intention of us getting together again - at the time), we recognized that we both still had "strong feelings" for each other. Now we are in an A. The time may not (and likely won't) minimalize the feelings. The key is for her to make a decision in that time frame. Good luck in following through if the answer is something along the lines of "I still have strong feelings for you...but..." She has 90 days and that is it. Once that time is over, I have to move on with my life. I can't be like a yo-yo any more. I agree that the time frame won't minimize her feelings, but I had to put some time limit on it. It will hurt for me to say goodbye. I really believe she will tell me she doesn't have any feelings even if she does.
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 I really believe she will tell me she doesn't have any feelings even if she does. Ofcourse she'll still have feelings for you. But her marriage vows and what she feels for her husband must be higher on her priority list, and ofcourse them working together to fix their marriage. I think that if things don't workout between you two, you will be okay. You sound strong and once a decision is made, you'll stick to it and move on. Painful as it may be, you'll survive.
oyster Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 keep us posted on how your NC is going during the holidays, ok? I think the more we share our experience, the clearer we see and feel less lonely to do stupid things to break the NC.
Freedom Now Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 On behalf of those of us women in NC also: welcome.
puddleofmud Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 Just wanted to add a supportive note to your thread: please hang in and post when you feel you need support. I am deeply sorry about your hurt and admire your respectable actions. Best wishes with going forward with your "single" life as many of us are doing our level best to do the same! You have friends in low places Take care of yourself!
Author MuffinMan Posted December 22, 2006 Author Posted December 22, 2006 keep us posted on how your NC is going during the holidays, ok? I think the more we share our experience, the clearer we see and feel less lonely to do stupid things to break the NC. I will keep everyone posted. Today was the first day of NC after our discussion and it wasn't too bad. I kept myself really busy at work and went to eat lunch with some friends. The end of the year is really busy for me. She still goes through my head every minute, but I'm sure that will get to 2 mins., 5 mins., etc.
Author MuffinMan Posted December 22, 2006 Author Posted December 22, 2006 Just wanted to add a supportive note to your thread: please hang in and post when you feel you need support. I am deeply sorry about your hurt and admire your respectable actions. Best wishes with going forward with your "single" life as many of us are doing our level best to do the same! You have friends in low places Take care of yourself! Thanks for the support. I'll probably be posting a lot over the next month or so. It hurts like hell, but it is the best thing for both of us. I haven't been single in 11 years so it should be interesting. It won't be the same since I'm now 31 with 2 kids instead of a 20 year old college student.
frannie Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 I just want to wish you the best, Muffin...
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