Mz. Pixie Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 I have catered to the though that yes I indeed may have picked my poison. I do notice that I seem to pick the same type of women and my EX's were very similar in all aspects, so this is something that I am coming to terms with. Funny, my best friend and his wife said exactly what you posted. Regards, That is funny! I try to be insightful. So, rethink your type and you could be surprised by the outcome. Give some girls a chance you wouldn't have normally noticed and try dating them. Really date around before you decide on your next partner.
Author Rooster_DAR Posted December 22, 2006 Author Posted December 22, 2006 That is funny! I try to be insightful. So, rethink your type and you could be surprised by the outcome. Give some girls a chance you wouldn't have normally noticed and try dating them. Really date around before you decide on your next partner. I could not agree more. I have actually commited myself to put off dating for at least a year. I want to explore who I am more, and gain more knowlege of things before I take another leap. Also, I now have the time to work on a business solution that I have put off for quite some time. Cya!
Guest Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 this is exactly why I tell men never to be just "friends" with women... Actually, men also cheat with other men. It's being married yet on the downlow. Not all men are cheating with women...they cheat with men, too.
FlyingHigh Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Great post Rooster! Agree with you on almost all. I think humans are "SOCIAL" by nature. To be monogomous or not depends on individual's value system at the time of "consciously" deciding to cheat. After all, the Big Guy upstairs gave us the "basic" knowledge of what is right and wrong when it comes to committment. The difference that seperates the cheaters and the faithful comes down to the wire of deciding what is right and wrong right there and then. You either have the option to keep your zipper or panties up or not. No different than adhering to the slogan "Just Say No" to drugs. The aftermath and the destruction can be equally destructive. You either are committed to that person or you're not. With drugs, you either are committed to respecting your body or not. After all, it doesn't take a science genius to determine the outcome when one cheats or use drugs, does it? Now, with online and technology it's easier to cheat on your SO undetected...at least initially. Bottom line: however sophisticated our world becomes.....cheating is still cheating no matter how you slice it. The problem with out society is the attitude in our lack of taking responsibilities for the decisions we make. We're more quick to blame our miseries, unhappiness and misfortunes on others and/or our spouse rather than resolving the core of those problems within ouselves which usually wherein lie the problems in the first place because it's EASIER. Secondly, because the problems are usually within ourselves and upbringing, we don't want to "admit" that it is us who needs to change. So, often cheating becomes the justification for that attitude and thinking and our refusal/ignorance or unwilling to "admit" our shortcomings. Is it immaturity? Absolutely. Maturity requires doing the responsible act. An immature adult would come up with excuses as to why s/he did the act. A mature adult takes responsibility for the choices s/he makes. An immature adult makes excuses as to why s/he did it. A mature adult learns from the experience. An immature adult often repeats the same mistake. Are we capable of changing becoming former cheaters? Absolutely. It comes back to our self worth/respect value system. If we don't have this in placed, we will continue to coss the line not realizing that we are only hurting ourselves in the end. After all, crossing the line means we have already committed to hurting those we profess/claim to love. Problem is, our lack of maturity and self-respect dismisses those thoughts. So it begs the question, "WHY DO WE DO IT ANYWAY?" Because we simply don't care about anyone else, but ourselves. The answer takes us back to square one, dpesn't it? Our level of self-worth and respect. If we don't have it, how can we respect those we love?
FlyingHigh Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 I could not agree more. I have actually commited myself to put off dating for at least a year. I want to explore who I am more, and gain more knowlege of things before I take another leap. Also, I now have the time to work on a business solution that I have put off for quite some time. Cya! Good for you!! I'm sticking with my dog for now!! You have to be content at being alone WITHOUT feeling lonely. This is often the trap that is so easy to fall in. That is why people go from one relationship to the next because of the fear of NOT wanting to be alone or feeling "lonely." Sometimes, being alone is where you "rediscover" yourself. This is important but often we rarely do simply because we are not equipped to being alone. After all, humans are innately and inherently social beings. Being alone is like learning a new foreign language. We don't want to take the time.
mental_traveller Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 There are IMO 3 very realiable ways to avoid cheating. 1) Have an open relationship. 2) Stay single and just have casual sex partners. 3) Be genuinely in love with your partner for the lifetime of your relationship. In my experience, if you are genuinely in love then you have no desire to cheat. Normally I want to fornicate with anything in a skirt, but on the occasions I've been in love I haven't felt any desire for that and it was extremely easy to pass up opportunities to cheat. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think I've yet met my true soulmate so I'd say I haven't even had full-on "real love" yet. I think the reason people cheat is simple - they either were never in love in the first place, or they were in love but fell out of love and then didn't rectify that problem. But two people head over heels in love, sure they are soulmates for life - then cheating on each other? I have personally never encountered or even heard of such a thing. Every single case of cheating, the relationship was flawed anyway.
rossi Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Mental traveller, I agree with you when you said that people who cheated was not in love in that moment but what happene when the affair is discovered? In my case my husband said that his affair was because we had problems in our marriage. But when I found out about it he knew in that moment how much he loves me and he want to stay with me and not the other women. Then, I asked myself why people who cheated try to fix and change everything (past behaviors) inmediately after the affair is discovered.Why they don't do all the changing things before, why while in the affair they fell they are not in love with the spouse but after the affair is open they love you so much and they try to do everything right because they don't want to lose you. My husband stoped seeing his friends that he used to see every weekend. Since that day he is the husband that i always want to have. Now he is home with us every weekend and we do things that we did not do before the affair. He wrote me a letter the night that i found out about his affair he said " you are the love of my life, if i did something wrong, please forgive me. we were having problem but you are the woman that i love".I asked him how come our problem were lost that day. He change all the things that i was asking him to change in past years. Where was that love that he feel from me during the affair?
FlyingHigh Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 There are IMO 3 very realiable ways to avoid cheating. 1) Have an open relationship. 2) Stay single and just have casual sex partners. 3) Be genuinely in love with your partner for the lifetime of your relationship. In my experience, if you are genuinely in love then you have no desire to cheat. Normally I want to fornicate with anything in a skirt, but on the occasions I've been in love I haven't felt any desire for that and it was extremely easy to pass up opportunities to cheat. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think I've yet met my true soulmate so I'd say I haven't even had full-on "real love" yet. I think the reason people cheat is simple - they either were never in love in the first place, or they were in love but fell out of love and then didn't rectify that problem. But two people head over heels in love, sure they are soulmates for life - then cheating on each other? I have personally never encountered or even heard of such a thing. Every single case of cheating, the relationship was flawed anyway. To "be in love" is just one of the many phases of a committed relationship. It's the fantasy phase where no one else matters in the world but the two of you. It's the honeymoon period. Like any long term and worthwhile marriage, that stage reaches its peak where it needs to be maintained in order for the "in love" phase or fix to sustain. This is called "WORK". This is the part when relationships are most vulnerable to falling apart because each partner have different perspectives and expectations what they want from each other. Most importantly, the commitment level by both partners is not the same. This result in the "blame game" phase. Well, we pretty much know what this phase entails. Because our skills in relationship maintenance and repairs are not learned or taught combined with other factors such as ego, power struggle, expecations, goals will vary overtime compounded by the mentality for a quick fix, marriages become victims to infidelity. One moment you were so in love, yet the next minute, you're in love with someone else while still married. This is NOT love. It's plain immaturity and disrespectful not only to the person to whom you are committed to, but to yourself as welll. Until you can be responsible to be committed to one person, don't get married. And if you are married and in the process of thinking of cheating on your spouse because you're too much of a selfish coward to own to your responsibility of working out those issues, then get out of the marriage first. But, for heavens sake, don't drag your spouse and kids into that low life of a choice you're about to make just because you can't keep your zipper and panties on. Again, it comes back to the basics of self respect and self love. If you don't have either, how can you be capable of respecting and loving those you claim or committed to love?
Okeydokey Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 I have catered to the though that yes I indeed may have picked my poison. I do notice that I seem to pick the same type of women and my EX's were very similar in all aspects, so this is something that I am coming to terms with. Funny, my best friend and his wife said exactly what you posted. I have the same problem. Keep dating the same exact dude over and over and over and over again. Might look a teensy weensy bit different - usually has a diff name, but it is the same guy. The funny thing is the same dude keeps asking me out over and over and over again... except it is like he gets worse everytime I meet him. First, he was just a cheater, then he was an indifferent workaholic, then he was an alcoholic.... I could not agree more. I have actually commited myself to put off dating for at least a year. I want to explore who I am more, and gain more knowlege of things before I take another leap. Also, I now have the time to work on a business solution that I have put off for quite some time. So, I took 9 months off to figure it out... and finally decided to hit the dating scene again two weeks ago. The same dude asked me out again! This time he was MARRIED. So, I was like f**ck it man. Im out - it's gonna be me and my cats from now on. I hope that year off works out for you and if you have any good tips about how to break a pattern that you are not even aware of how you are creating I would love to hear it.
Trialbyfire Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Im out - it's gonna be me and my cats from now on. I want to be the cat lady.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 I hope that year off works out for you and if you have any good tips about how to break a pattern that you are not even aware of how you are creating I would love to hear it. For me, it was getting out of the social environment that was funneling these people to me. If you hang out in bars, you meet "bar people". I started playing tennis again (at first, to have something to replace the time I'd previously spent in the bar scene) and met a much more varied group of available women, including my wife . You just have to break your pattern... Mr. Lucky
Okeydokey Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 You just have to break your pattern... I've definitely done that though... Never hung out at bars. The married one I met at a talk I was giving to undergrads about how to get into professional school. The previous two I met at law school - they were both good friends before we started dating. The previous one I met while on study abroad in a Latin American country through a friend. And the previous one I met on study abroad in Europe through a friend. I'll stop there - but it has always been in a pretty acceptable/reliable venue to meet... I like the idea though - it's just not a suggestion that is very applicable to my situation - Hopefully it will help Rooster a bit though. Hugs. okeydokey
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