Anatomy of an affair

[Rooster_DAR]

From my experience and personal research, I will attempt to describe a common type of affair as seen through my eyes.

 

Given the fact that human are not monogamous by nature:

 

Divulging emotional details about yourself and your life are what start the bonding process of an emotional relationship, unless it's a specialists, best friend, or family member. Again, it's not to say you shouldn't do it, but it's an avenue that encompasses emotional connection, and in turn has the potential to lead to infidelity. Unless a person is strong and mature enough to understand what boundaries must be satisfied and a good understanding of human relationships, it's easy for someone to fall into an affair. Most people don't have the proper knowledge to apply in situations like this, so they become drawn into the natural attraction to another person.

 

Divulging personal and emotional information about yourself to a friend or co-worker, sets up all the ingredients for an emotional connection to coalesce if you will. Consider this; you are good friends with a co-worker that you have worked with for a very long time. You already have enough trust in place with this person to talk with them at least on a friendly basis. Now you start experiencing problems in your relationship such as, you S/O is working too much, not enough time spent with you, and you end up in a fight that leads to sleeping in separate rooms or elsewhere. This is a time when both partners are extremely vulnerable, and since they are fighting their emotional connection is temporarily lost.

 

But wait, my good friend at work is a nice person and is always willing to listen so I'm going to talk to them about my situation. You start talking about your problems with this other person, and wow! he is going through or went through the same thing recently. Now you are both relating to each other, and you now have an avenue of connection that is now meeting your needs. This is exactly how affairs get started, and they will continue until people understand and learn how to deal with these situations. Once this connection is established, it may seem benign at first but as the conversations keep getting deeper and longer, things start to progress into emotional connection deepening.

 

This causes a disconnection between you and your S/O, and once a certain threshold is reached, it's difficult to stop. You are now seeing in this new person the things you weren't getting at home, but this is only a masked interpretation of the person you’re confiding in, and you are not seeing their flaws due to the infatuation that sets in. Now things are getting even more confusing, and the disconnection start to worsen with you S/O causing you to look at more flaws in their character. This is the slippery slope that causes and affair/cheating and is in line to cause much pain for all parties involved.

 

At some point the guilt of what you’re doing sets in and you find yourself doing things you said you would never be capable of. Justification is a direct effect of the guilt; it's an avenue of comfort in a time of despair. Now you are finding faults in your S/O, and possibly blaming them for your disposition, which gives you the rationale to keep up your activity without all of the guilt bearing down on you. After this things get worse and PRESTO! you have entered the world of the cheater.

 

NOTE: there are many cheaters who post on this site, and most of them will tell you that they never thought they would cheat on their partner, but they did. I think most people don't want to cheat, but given the right circumstances, the fact that humans are not monogamous by nature coupled with relational ignorance, human willpower gets dissolved and rational decision becomes non-existent.

[Great Gazoo]

Yes humans can be a very weak species. I think boredom can have alot to do with it also.

[Romeo Must Die]

 

NOTE: there are many cheaters who post on this site, and most of them will tell you that they never thought they would cheat on their partner, but they did. I think most people don't want to cheat, but given the right circumstances, the fact that humans are not monogamous by nature coupled with relational ignorance, human willpower gets dissolved and rational decision becomes non-existent.

 

 

I know I will never cheat, it just isnt my style.

 

Come here little ones, I want to tell you a bedtime story about how I fell in love.

 

There is simply no one I can compare my spouse to. I even love him even when he is fat, I love him when he blames me for making him fat. I love him when he is mad at me, as I love his sense of humor. I love waking up to feel his big arm over me protectively and sometimes I want to punch him for hurting me.

 

We grew up together. Our first kiss was amazing. I wanted him to be mine forever. Our first summer together is too xxx rated for this forum. I spent my entire adult life with him. I had all my babies with him. He is like a husband, a father and a brother to me, all in one person, he's family. You cant have this kind of 17 year relationship with someone you havent known as long as I have been with him, it doesnt come instantaniously. It doesnt come EASY and it doesnt come CHEAP. Love is not a box of chicken nuggets and a room at the motel six, thats a tryst, not a relationship.

 

Our relationship is special because we have ourselves deeply invested in each other. You cant get that kind of relationship with a new guy, lol. So don't tell me everybody cheats because thats a bunch of sh*it.

 

[Trialbyfire]

I can see how it happens quite easily. It's not as if I've never had an attraction to anyone while in a relationship. Having said that, I know my boundaries and shut down anything that smells remotely like an attachment in a way that enroaches on an existing relationship.

 

I'm no youngun'. I know myself. I will never cheat. Integrity and principles are two cornerstones of what I value in life. If I cheat, I cheat on myself.

[Great Gazoo]

Integrity and principles are two cornerstones of what I value in life. If I cheat, I cheat on myself.

 

I really like that statement.

[Trialbyfire]

I really like that statement.

Thanks. I'm no angel but everyone has to believe in something or they will always be lost and searching.

[alphamale]

Love is not a box of chicken nuggets and a room at the motel six, thats a tryst, not a relationship.

but what if its a fancy four course dinner at the local Hyatt?

[NoIDidn't]

I am like TrialByFire. We all have been attracted outside of our relationships. And I have formed some decent friendships with male coworkers, but they knew my boundaries from jump. If it felt like it was getting too close, I told them where my boundaries were. If they didn't want to respect them, I told them that we needed to rethink being friends as I have difficulty with friendships among those that don't respect me or my marriage.

 

And some of these guys were REALLY attractive. But, for me, if you're gonna do the right thing, you just gotta do it. It hasn't always been easy, trust me on that. But, I have to look at myself in the mirror, and I don't want to justify the unjustifiable.

[alphamale]

And I have formed some decent friendships with male coworkers' date=' but they knew my boundaries from jump. If it felt like it was getting too close, I told them where my boundaries were. If they didn't want to respect them, I told them that we needed to rethink being friends as I have difficulty with friendships among those that don't respect me or my marriage.[/quote']

this is exactly why I tell men never to be just "friends" with women...

[bab]

I don't think Rooster was saying that all people have affairs, just describing how a typical affair happens. I think he is spot on. Of course there are always going to be ones that are different, but I like his classification. He's talking about knowing where those boundries are.

[Mz. Pixie]

From my experience and personal research, I will attempt to describe a common type of affair as seen through my eyes.

 

Given the fact that human are not monogamous by nature:

 

Divulging emotional details about yourself and your life are what start the bonding process of an emotional relationship, unless it's a specialists, best friend, or family member. Again, it's not to say you shouldn't do it, but it's an avenue that encompasses emotional connection, and in turn has the potential to lead to infidelity. Unless a person is strong and mature enough to understand what boundaries must be satisfied and a good understanding of human relationships, it's easy for someone to fall into an affair. Most people don't have the proper knowledge to apply in situations like this, so they become drawn into the natural attraction to another person.

 

Divulging personal and emotional information about yourself to a friend or co-worker, sets up all the ingredients for an emotional connection to coalesce if you will. Consider this; you are good friends with a co-worker that you have worked with for a very long time. You already have enough trust in place with this person to talk with them at least on a friendly basis. Now you start experiencing problems in your relationship such as, you S/O is working too much, not enough time spent with you, and you end up in a fight that leads to sleeping in separate rooms or elsewhere. This is a time when both partners are extremely vulnerable, and since they are fighting their emotional connection is temporarily lost.

 

But wait, my good friend at work is a nice person and is always willing to listen so I'm going to talk to them about my situation. You start talking about your problems with this other person, and wow! he is going through or went through the same thing recently. Now you are both relating to each other, and you now have an avenue of connection that is now meeting your needs. This is exactly how affairs get started, and they will continue until people understand and learn how to deal with these situations. Once this connection is established, it may seem benign at first but as the conversations keep getting deeper and longer, things start to progress into emotional connection deepening.

 

This causes a disconnection between you and your S/O, and once a certain threshold is reached, it's difficult to stop. You are now seeing in this new person the things you weren't getting at home, but this is only a masked interpretation of the person you’re confiding in, and you are not seeing their flaws due to the infatuation that sets in. Now things are getting even more confusing, and the disconnection start to worsen with you S/O causing you to look at more flaws in their character. This is the slippery slope that causes and affair/cheating and is in line to cause much pain for all parties involved.

 

At some point the guilt of what you’re doing sets in and you find yourself doing things you said you would never be capable of. Justification is a direct effect of the guilt; it's an avenue of comfort in a time of despair. Now you are finding faults in your S/O, and possibly blaming them for your disposition, which gives you the rationale to keep up your activity without all of the guilt bearing down on you. After this things get worse and PRESTO! you have entered the world of the cheater.

 

NOTE: there are many cheaters who post on this site, and most of them will tell you that they never thought they would cheat on their partner, but they did. I think most people don't want to cheat, but given the right circumstances, the fact that humans are not monogamous by nature coupled with relational ignorance, human willpower gets dissolved and rational decision becomes non-existent.

 

I'd say for me this was spot on. Good post Rooster.

 

Since you've posted so many of these topics, can I ask?? Are you in counseling??? I think it might really help. Not being ugly or anything, just really I'm genuinely concerned about how hard this is for you.

[Rooster_DAR]

I'd say for me this was spot on. Good post Rooster.

 

Since you've posted so many of these topics, can I ask?? Are you in counseling??? I think it might really help. Not being ugly or anything, just really I'm genuinely concerned about how hard this is for you.

 

I've been in therapy every since, and I have also spent ungodly hours researching why this crap is happening. I am okay, I just am the type of person that's extremely analytical, so I have to get answers to problems and it' bothers me until I find conclusions.

 

My situation is a terrible tragedy, and it's happned to me three times now. I guess after a while you want know WTF is happening. I really got tired of blaming myself for these women cheating, so I wanted to look at other reasons this may have happened.

 

Soul searching if you will....

 

Cheers!

[Romeo Must Die]

There is no answer to "why" questions and Rooster Dar, you are in a vain search for the holy grail. It doesnt exist.

 

[loggrad98]

OK. I needed to throw my hat in this ring.

 

First, I think you nailed it on the head Rooster. I contend this is how, generally speaking, people fall into any anti-social behavior. If you break it down further, it is the result of many small decisions that lead you to the brink of the big ones. Jeffrey Dahmer did not wake up one day and say "I think I am going to eat some guy today". His ultimate choice to go down that road was not the first choice he made on that path. The first one was likely much smaller and he let that lead him to the next one. Same thing applies to infidelity. Case in point, a near emotional-affair I had with a fellow student in college.

 

I went to college after my wife and I were married for a couple of years and had one kid and one on the way. We have an incredible relationship (15 years and going strong) and I have never entertained thoughts of cheating on her. In my classes I met a woman who had the same major as I and many of the same interest, beliefs, etc. We became study buddies. We spent many long days helping each other through tough classes. I got to know her very well, and so did my wife. It was not until a few years after I graduated, and saw my study buddy for the last time, that my wife told me that my relationship with this O.W. had affected her deeply. She worried I was forging an emotional connection with her that was different than the one I had with my wife, and she found that very threatening.

 

Now I look back and see where some very innocent and seemingly small decisions could have pushed this relationship over the edge.

 

At one point we had the discussion of "Imagine if we had met when we were both single". That is dangerous territory and we both recognized that and backed off. But that could easily have led to other such discussions and could have amplified the stresses we were both feeling from trying to get through college, maintain family lives, and work full-time.

 

Another time she was having troubles with her husband (like what rooster described). We spent about 4 hours one evening talking it out. She wanted a shoulder to cry on and at one point she was actually leaning her head on my shoulder and she said "I could just stay here all night". I saw what a precarious spot that was and made an excuse to go get us a drink at the vending machine, and I gave her some time to think about things by herself. When I came back I told her I was there for her as a friend and that we needed to keep that distance. She apologized and thanked me for the support. It went no further, ever, and our relationship as friends was much better for it, as was our relationships with our spouses. But imagine how easy it would have been to take that somewhere else and ruin all our lives. We were very careful after that as we both knew what we really wanted in life and who we wanted to be with. To this day we remain friends, and that is all.

 

All these little decisions we make. We have to be careful because it can be very easy to fall into those situations, as rooster said. I think in the end it comes down to what TrialByFire said, you have to have values and stick to them.

 

If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.

[Mz. Pixie]

I've been in therapy every since, and I have also spent ungodly hours researching why this crap is happening. I am okay, I just am the type of person that's extremely analytical, so I have to get answers to problems and it' bothers me until I find conclusions.

 

My situation is a terrible tragedy, and it's happned to me three times now. I guess after a while you want know WTF is happening. I really got tired of blaming myself for these women cheating, so I wanted to look at other reasons this may have happened.

 

Soul searching if you will....

 

Cheers!

 

Three times by different people or the same person?????

 

My husband was cheated on by his exwife along with a couple of girlfriends. I can't for the life of me figure out why???

[Rooster_DAR]

Three times by different people or the same person?????

 

My husband was cheated on by his exwife along with a couple of girlfriends. I can't for the life of me figure out why???

 

Different women.

 

The first two marriages failed because they cheated, and now my latest fiance of 5 years has joined the crowd. I do understand that there are more than likely needs that I was not meeting, but my story is quite different from yours and all the others I have read on LS where the spouse lost interest and/or was abusive and unattentive.

 

For example;

 

I put her before anything else in our relationship, and paid attention to her everynight, rubbed her feet, gave her shoulder and back massages. I did things for her mother, and did chores around the house adamantly, and often told her how beautiful she is. After the first year together, her sex drive died. Everytime I would initiate or bring up intimacy, she would come up with things like she's depressed or I'm just a not into sex (needless to say, she contradicted herself cause I would find new sex toys often hidden somewhere). This all was somehow countered on the weekends, where we spent all of our time doing the little things together, and seemed to be the cornerstone or our relationship.

 

In her defense, she did mention that I did not listen to her and that I was very forgetful. I believe I may have ADD and I think we both understood that, so I did make some attempts to address this issue and we discussed it off and on. It got to the point where I was doing everything for her, and I was getting nothing in return...but I still managed not to complain about it. I was doing all the housework, and continued the massaging and buying her flower and gifts on occasion, taking her out to eat and for drives on the weekends.

 

The problem of her straying to outside emotional needs usually surfaced (twice, and two different guys) when she was working out of state with her co-workers for very long periods of time. When she returned from these events, she would be involved with a co-worker at least on an emotional level. When we were together all the time, things were much better, so I did deduce that the time and distance apart were a big piece of this puzzle, although not the underlying cause possibly.

 

So to make a long story short, I was a good guy and paid attention to her. I was not abusive, and pulled my own weight around the house.

 

Regards,

[Mr. Lucky]

Given the fact that human are not monogamous by nature

I enjoyed your post but I'm not sure I agree with your opening statement. Many of us are monagamous in practice, not sure if that comes from Nature or Nurture. As humans, we are able to differentiate between attraction and commitment. I'm attracted to many women but committed (and intimate) to only one. That bond is a choice and an exercise of free will. Doesn't that make me monogamous by nature?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rooster_DAR]

I enjoyed your post but I'm not sure I agree with your opening statement. Many of us are monagamous in practice, not sure if that comes from Nature or Nurture. As humans, we are able to differentiate between attraction and commitment. I'm attracted to many women but committed (and intimate) to only one. That bond is a choice and an exercise of free will. Doesn't that make me monogamous by nature?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Factor in the statistics regarding infidelity and divorce, that's the first clue. It's a no brainer, humans are not monogamous by nature. Humans are mammals, we are not unlike any other living creature on earth with the exception of our intelligence superceding other species. The benefit of our evolved mental capactity is understanding, and some of us have evolved our understanding and maturity further than others, that's my opinion as of now.

[Rooster_DAR]

I can see how it happens quite easily. It's not as if I've never had an attraction to anyone while in a relationship. Having said that, I know my boundaries and shut down anything that smells remotely like an attachment in a way that enroaches on an existing relationship.

 

I'm no youngun'. I know myself. I will never cheat. Integrity and principles are two cornerstones of what I value in life. If I cheat, I cheat on myself.

 

Hmmm...I'm starting to like your values and concepts, I wish more people were like this.

 

Cheers!

[Trialbyfire]

Hmmm...I'm starting to like your values and concepts, I wish more people were like this.

 

Cheers!

Thanks.

 

Btw, I do agree that human beings are not monogamous by nature, especially men. We're pack animals with an alpha male, alpha female and the rest. Having said that, it doesn't mean that we haven't evolved or cannot evolve. Think of it this way, we no longer howl at the moon...

[Mz. Pixie]

I put her before anything else in our relationship, and paid attention to her everynight, rubbed her feet, gave her shoulder and back massages. I did things for her mother, and did chores around the house adamantly, and often told her how beautiful she is. After the first year together, her sex drive died. Everytime I would initiate or bring up intimacy, she would come up with things like she's depressed or I'm just a not into sex (needless to say, she contradicted herself cause I would find new sex toys often hidden somewhere). This all was somehow countered on the weekends, where we spent all of our time doing the little things together, and seemed to be the cornerstone or our relationship.

 

 

Sounds like she's just not the one for you Rooster. Really. Chalk it up to immaturity on her part.

 

Sounds like she's done this before so if I were you I wouldn't waste much time on her.

 

Let me ask you a question?? Do you believe you truly have a certain "type" you're attracted to??? For instance, some men are attracted to women filled with drama- or that need taking care of- or are high maintenance.

 

To change the way your relationships end perhaps you need to look at who you're attracted to and change types??

 

For instance, my first husband was a hunter and fisherman and those plans took him away from home 40 weekends of the year. So, this time when I began dating I decided I wanted to stay away from those types and try something new. My current H likes to play golf but not obsessively so. He's a jock too, and my last H was not. My H was really not "my type" at all or so I thought when I first met him. Turns out we were made for each other. Just working in the kitchen it almost feels like we're one person with four arms!

 

Could it be from your description of your treatment of her above that you had her on a pedestal?? Or that you thought she was too good for you???

Because it seems like you gave an awful lot to the relationship and she didn't.

[pennyjosix]

But there is just SOOO much grey area in relationships haha i kid i kid.

[Rooster_DAR]

Sounds like she's just not the one for you Rooster. Really. Chalk it up to immaturity on her part.

 

Sounds like she's done this before so if I were you I wouldn't waste much time on her.

 

Let me ask you a question?? Do you believe you truly have a certain "type" you're attracted to??? For instance, some men are attracted to women filled with drama- or that need taking care of- or are high maintenance.

 

To change the way your relationships end perhaps you need to look at who you're attracted to and change types??

 

For instance, my first husband was a hunter and fisherman and those plans took him away from home 40 weekends of the year. So, this time when I began dating I decided I wanted to stay away from those types and try something new. My current H likes to play golf but not obsessively so. He's a jock too, and my last H was not. My H was really not "my type" at all or so I thought when I first met him. Turns out we were made for each other. Just working in the kitchen it almost feels like we're one person with four arms!

 

Could it be from your description of your treatment of her above that you had her on a pedestal?? Or that you thought she was too good for you???

Because it seems like you gave an awful lot to the relationship and she didn't.

 

I have catered to the though that yes I indeed may have picked my poison. I do notice that I seem to pick the same type of women and my EX's were very similar in all aspects, so this is something that I am coming to terms with. Funny, my best friend and his wife said exactly what you posted.

 

Regards,

[Rooster_DAR]

But there is just SOOO much grey area in relationships haha i kid i kid.

 

 

:laugh: funny penny!!!

 

BTW if that avatar is a photo of yourself, you are hot;)

 

LOL

[pennyjosix]

well thank you that is meeeee