Daeron Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Let me start by saying I'm recently (couple months) out of a 5+ year relationship and now back in the dating game which I'm not all that adept in. But on the point. I'll try not to ramble. I met an absolutely gorgeous girl that lives a few apartments away from me. She's lived near me for over a year and our paths have crossed before but we never actually had a conversation until about a month ago. I'm 32 she' 28. She expressed some interest in me so I asked her out and she accepted. She has a great personality, very nice, professional, and classy. For the most part she is the stay at home type and says she is over the bar/club scene. She is a year out of a long term 5yr relationship but her psycho ex bf continues to try and rekindle things. She has a restraining order against him. Over the past month we've gone out like 7 times. Most of the time out for dinner and a movie at my place or hers. I can't say we have a lot of common interests but I think we do have similar and compatible personalities. I've had a good time on all our dates and she seems to have enjoyed herself as well. I cooked for her on a recent date which she seemed very impressed by. So far there have been no "fireworks" to speak of. She likes to hold hands when we're out, cuddle sometimes when we're watching movies but at the end of the night it's a kiss on the cheek and or hug goodbye. I'm really not in a big rush to get physcial but I'm having a hard time figuring out where I stand. Is she interested in more or just wanting to be friends? What's my play? Just go with the flow and see what happens? Flat out ask her where is this going? Any advice appreciated.
sapphire0903 Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Ask her if you can kiss her ...........a guy asking, not assuming is admirable,.........see if any fireworks happen, then go from there, ......after 7 dates it certainly would not be "asking too much" good luck!
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I think the best thing to do is to go with the flow, just go casual, after all you have only gone on a few dates so it doesnt seem to be something very serious right now. You don't really want to be asking her where you stand because that may push her away and think your rushing into something. Also she has the crazy restrained ex on the scene still. After a 5 year relationship she may find it a little hard to get out of still and come to terms she is dating a new guy. Do you know the past with her ex? If it something to do with cheating then she may be finding it a little difficult to trust you and she is taking it slow with you to get to know you and build up the trust for you. I think you will feel when the time is right when it goes to the next level between the both of you.
sapphire0903 Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Nothing wrong with "going with the flow"........but somebody has to set that flow.....right? I would probably feel that you were not too interested in me if you did not at least ask for a kiss, or show / tell her that you would really like to.
Author Daeron Posted December 20, 2006 Author Posted December 20, 2006 I think the best thing to do is to go with the flow, just go casual, after all you have only gone on a few dates so it doesnt seem to be something very serious right now. You don't really want to be asking her where you stand because that may push her away and think your rushing into something. Also she has the crazy restrained ex on the scene still. After a 5 year relationship she may find it a little hard to get out of still and come to terms she is dating a new guy. Do you know the past with her ex? If it something to do with cheating then she may be finding it a little difficult to trust you and she is taking it slow with you to get to know you and build up the trust for you. I think you will feel when the time is right when it goes to the next level between the both of you. As for the ex, she did dump him because he was unfaithful on numerous occasions. He'll still come by her place and bang on the door if she doesn't answer his phone calls. (this happened on our first date). As for the kissing, I asked her a few dates ago if I could she said yes. Then gave me the cheek. Haven't really tried again since then. I guess I've been waiting for a sign, lol. What about X-mas? Too soon for a gift or not? I'm planning to get her something but don't want to go overboard.
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 As for the ex, she did dump him because he was unfaithful on numerous occasions. He'll still come by her place and bang on the door if she doesn't answer his phone calls. (this happened on our first date). Yea, this is probably scaring her, especially with the poilce having to put a restraing order on him too. She is probably having a bit of a hard time with it all which is why she may be taking it slow. How long has her and the ex been broken up? As for the kissing, I asked her a few dates ago if I could she said yes. Then gave me the cheek. Haven't really tried again since then. Maybe you need to try again by making the first move to the lips, no need for tounge, just on the lips, if she moves away you know she is not ready for it, but then it could be a bit risky as if she is not ready for that step she could think your a bit pushy and could lose what you have with her. Maybe the best thing to do is to ask if you could give her a wee peck on the lips . What about X-mas? Too soon for a gift or not? I'm planning to get her something but don't want to go overboard. I see nothing wrong with giving her a small gift. I don't think anything like a necklace or ear rings would be a good thing to give. Do you know if she keeps a diary? That might be a nice small gift to give her .
Author Daeron Posted December 20, 2006 Author Posted December 20, 2006 How long has her and the ex been broken up? Over a year she says. She is reluctant to call the cops when he doesn't take the hint. She says he's a good person and doesn't want to ruin his life or go through legal hassles.
Grrlish Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 If you're interested in being more than friends, when the conversation is in the vicinity of the topic, ask her if she thinks she's ready to date someone. Or, see how she responds to a hug that is a little closer and just a tad longer than usual. Don't maul her! *laugh* Or if you're feeling brave, move in for a light kiss on the lips next time. Not too early for a small Xmas gift. Something personal but not too expensive. Earrings, a cool candleholder (w/candles), a couple of CDs. If you live in a cold climate, some nice gloves or mittens and a scarf in a color that you've noticed that she likes. She'll think of you every time she wears them! If I were you, I'd consider the situation that you could potentially be getting involved in, with her ex-boyfriend. She has a restraining order for a reason, and a judge somewhere approved it for a reason. You, yourself, called him psycho. She's not abiding by the RO. She's allowing him to violate the RO. She's allowing the drama to continue in her life, and it will eventually affect yours if you get involved with her. Especially if he has a temper. I'm sorry but this should at least be considered a temporary red flag until you know a lot more about the situation.
Author Daeron Posted December 22, 2006 Author Posted December 22, 2006 I If I were you, I'd consider the situation that you could potentially be getting involved in, with her ex-boyfriend. She has a restraining order for a reason, and a judge somewhere approved it for a reason. You, yourself, called him psycho. She's not abiding by the RO. She's allowing him to violate the RO. She's allowing the drama to continue in her life, and it will eventually affect yours if you get involved with her. Especially if he has a temper. I'm sorry but this should at least be considered a temporary red flag until you know a lot more about the situation. The ex-boyfriend situation is definitely in the back of my mind. My intuition is telling me that even if she is interested in me she is reluctant to get involved with someone new because of the ex. I've already mentioned the obvious to her, that unless she does something to make her ex go away a confrontation is inevitable with whomever she decides to get involved with in the future. But I'm not sweating all this too much anyway. I'll give her a Christmas gift, see what her plans are for New Years Eve and basically just go with the flow. What ever happens happens.
everybody_chill Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 There is no way she has been away from him for a year, she lied about that. I don't know anyone that would come back around after no contact for a year, so there's the lie.
Author Daeron Posted December 22, 2006 Author Posted December 22, 2006 There is no way she has been away from him for a year, she lied about that. I don't know anyone that would come back around after no contact for a year, so there's the lie. She says they have been broken up for just over a year. As far as contact goes, I don't know the details. A couple of days after our first date she told me she was meeting him for lunch in an attempt to try to get him to lay off the phone calls and the unwelcome visits to her apartment. I think it is highly dubious myself that the ex would still be so obsessive after a year. I know she moved into her current apartment just over a year ago which coincides with when she told me she moved out of her ex-bf's place.
pennyjosix Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 Um.. my boyfriend and his ex have been broken up for almost a year now and he has established NC and she still contacts him and does vindictive things towards me. It's not crazy, and it doesn't mean she lied.
Guest Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 Um.. my boyfriend and his ex have been broken up for almost a year now and he has established NC and she still contacts him and does vindictive things towards me. It's not crazy, and it doesn't mean she lied. Well then rest assured your bf did something along the way to egg her on. Most people are not wacked enough to keep bothering someone that long for no reason. Now back to your bedtime story...
brickaney Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Let me start by saying I'm recently (couple months) out of a 5+ year relationship and now back in the dating game which I'm not all that adept in. But on the point. I'll try not to ramble. I met an absolutely gorgeous girl that lives a few apartments away from me. She's lived near me for over a year and our paths have crossed before but we never actually had a conversation until about a month ago. I'm 32 she' 28. She expressed some interest in me so I asked her out and she accepted. She has a great personality, very nice, professional, and classy. For the most part she is the stay at home type and says she is over the bar/club scene. She is a year out of a long term 5yr relationship but her psycho ex bf continues to try and rekindle things. She has a restraining order against him. Over the past month we've gone out like 7 times. Most of the time out for dinner and a movie at my place or hers. I can't say we have a lot of common interests but I think we do have similar and compatible personalities. I've had a good time on all our dates and she seems to have enjoyed herself as well. I cooked for her on a recent date which she seemed very impressed by. So far there have been no "fireworks" to speak of. She likes to hold hands when we're out, cuddle sometimes when we're watching movies but at the end of the night it's a kiss on the cheek and or hug goodbye. I'm really not in a big rush to get physcial but I'm having a hard time figuring out where I stand. Is she interested in more or just wanting to be friends? What's my play? Just go with the flow and see what happens? Flat out ask her where is this going? Any advice appreciated. I can imagine after getting out of a 5 year relationship she would not want to make any mistakes/ rush into things. She's just being safe. If she wasn't interested in you she wouldn't have gone on 7 dates with you. You would've had one, maybe two and she'd have a pretty good idea as to whether or not she was interested. She is just being careful so don't worry about it. You are being very kind & respectful by not pressuring her into anything and I believe she greatly appreciates it. Despite the fact that her ex is psycho, she's most likely feeling a little unstable, if not very unstable. She's finding her ground and you are very patiently waiting for her. Good job! The fact that you're not getting frustrated w/ her is a very attractive characteristic and her dating you 7 times shows she recognizes this. As for the asking her part I'd say don't. Speaking for women we generally take initiative in discussing our feelings. She will talk to you when she's ready. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Anytime you're feeling weary just remember the simple fact that she's showing interest by continually dating you. She'll start talking to you when she's ready & comfortable.
Author Daeron Posted December 23, 2006 Author Posted December 23, 2006 I can imagine after getting out of a 5 year relationship she would not want to make any mistakes/ rush into things. She's just being safe. If she wasn't interested in you she wouldn't have gone on 7 dates with you. You would've had one, maybe two and she'd have a pretty good idea as to whether or not she was interested. Anytime you're feeling weary just remember the simple fact that she's showing interest by continually dating you. She'll start talking to you when she's ready & comfortable. This is what I'm hoping but it's hard to tell. I guess I'm just used to girls being a little more forward or a little less subtle in showing interest. I guess time will tell.
moman Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Daeron, I am in the exact same situation as you are but the girl and I kiss and have been intimate. Your girl is not ready to date someone seriously. If you really think she is someone worth waiting for, then be patient with her, go out with her, have a good time with her, and be her friend. If it goes to the next level then so be it. If not, then at least you can say you gave it your 100% effort. My "girl" is very confused and I can see her mood change sometimes just from hour to hour when we are together. It is very trying but I have been patient with her and so far have been rewarded (if you can call it that) for my patience. I went through a nasty breakup last year and I see her struggling the same way that I did, which makes me a lot more understanding. The psycho ex that won't go away is bad news though - I would shelter your heart a little. Why girls can't say NO and move on is beyond me....
orangehose Posted December 25, 2006 Posted December 25, 2006 This doesn't sound like a good situation here. Reason number one is the psycho ex. It sounds like there's still a good deal of contact going on, and of course he's not going to react well to you. You may even be in personal danger. Reason two is that she's probably not psychologically open to having a new relationship, or for some reason or other she hasn't yet 'fallen' for you that she's able to get over whatever fears or baggage she's accumulated from the past relationship. It's not just the girls who can't let go of their exes... Guys can be like that too (at least in my experience). I would recommend not getting too invested in this just yet. Cool it off from your end as well... It's not fair to you if she just drags this on without being ready to be in a stable relationship with you (assuming that's what you want).
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