Guest Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I've been with my guy for a little over three months, and I've fallen pretty hard for him. He's had a lot of issues in the past - behavioral problems, drug abuse, drinking, etc. He's gotten over a lot of them, but I have a suspicion that he may be bipolar. It's as if he rides highs and lows - he can go from being extremely irritable and depressed, to happy and kidding around in a matter of minutes. The only problem is, when he's on a low, he's very crude to me. He'll scoff at my opinions, treat me as if I were stupid, dish out random insults, tell me to "eff" off, and treat our relationship with a devil-may-care attitude. I usually do nothing to incite this abuse, simply my presence alone seems to be a trigger. There has been no physical abuse, only verbal, but it's damaging to my self-esteem and makes me very anxious and heartsick. On the other hand, when he's on a high, he's just about the sweetest guy you could ever ask for. He's complimentary, very sensitive to my feelings, and is a lot of fun to be around. While in one of his good moods, he'll also apologize for his actions while he was feeling low before. He seems to feel as though he doesn't treat me as decently as he should (and has said this himself on a few occasions) but this doesn't stop the verbal and emotional abuse from coming when he's in a bad mood. He has more lows than highs, and makes me cry usually daily. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel as though I should be supportive of him, as he is currently dealing with a lot of tough issues in his life, but I need to feel loved and respected in return. How much patience should I have with him? Thanks for any help.
whichwayisup Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Would he be willing to see a therapist for his bipoplar? Has he actually been told this is what he has? Because if he has it, it's not going away ever. You will have to find a way of dealing with his mood swings. But with the help of therapy and the right kind of meds he can learn to control his moods. 3 months isn't a long time, so you really need to think about what you're in for in the long term. DO you plan on marrying him at all? Living together? Take all this stuff into consideration...What type of father do you think he'll be? How will life be in 5-10 years with 2 kids and him having bipolar? Could you manage and cope OK?
TheDC Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 whichwayisup is right. If you plan on being with him for the long term then he needs to at least see what his options are. If he is really bi-polar then it is never going to change without treatment. His cycles can be controlled with meds and therapy but unless he gets treatment nothing will change. Bi-polar disorder in a genetic disorder and can be treated but not cured. Bi-polar disorder alone shouldn't be reason enough to break up with him as long as he is making an effort to control it (ie seek treatment) but if he is unwilling to seek treatment then that would be reason enough. It's like any other disease or condition, so long as the person admits that there is a problem and is getting treatment then your relationship should be fine.
Walk Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 If you really think he's bipolar then try to get him to see a professional for a diagnosis. If you do an arm chair diagnosis, and he doesn't have it, then all your doing is giving him an excuse to treat you like crap. Find out for sure, get a doctor to diagnose him. Ask him to seek treatment rather than the fake apologies afterward. I don't know... I think there's a much higher chance that this is the beginning stages of an abuser. But none of us will know unless he gets a professional diagnosis. All I can say is, living with a person with bipolar disorder is extremely difficult. Stress to him that he needs to seek help. If he's apologizing to you, don't accept his apology and pretend everythign is find... tell him to get help instead of apologies.
Stunner Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I left a verbally abusive man after wasting eight years of my life and am now happier than I've ever been in my life. Dump him now...it WILL ONLY GET WORSE. YOU can't fix him or make it better and if he is unmedicated now he will continue the roller coaster. Protect yourself! Sorry you got someone who has this combination of traits.
TheDC Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 he can go from being extremely irritable and depressed, to happy and kidding around in a matter of minutes. If he is bipolar then he has a very rare case. Bipolar people don't ususally cycle that quickly. I'm more inclined to beleive that he has an abusive personality and while it hasn't manifested in physical abuse it may just be a matter of time. If he is truly bipolar both he and you need to find out now. If he refuses then dump him.
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 You also have to decide what you can put up with. Life won't be easy for you if you stay with him and he does have BPD. Oh and this has nothing to do about loving him, I know you do...
Guest Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 You also have to decide what you can put up with. Life won't be easy for you if you stay with him and he does have BPD. Oh and this has nothing to do about loving him, I know you do... let me tell you, I have bipolar type II..the lesser type. and I am on a wonderful medication that makes me feel completely normal.(it's called effexor) if it gets help with the right meds, your relationship can be fine. =)
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 let me tell you, I have bipolar type II..the lesser type. and I am on a wonderful medication that makes me feel completely normal.(it's called effexor) if it gets help with the right meds, your relationship can be fine. =) I mentioned that in a previous post - So as long as he is willing to take meds and do therapy to control his mood swings and not use his BP as an excuse to treat her like crap, then yeah, a good relationship can happen. But right now it sounds like he's cycling and not in a positive frame of mind.
riobikini Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 re: TheDC: " If he is bipolar then he has a very rare case. Bipolar people don't ususally cycle that quickly.." True, that classic Bipolar is believed to have lengthier time cycles. And although there is something called " rapid-cycling" there may be some problem or question as to whether that actually accounts for the split-second turn-arounds the original poster is describing (most seem to want to attribute these to anything but classic Bipolar cycling -even rapid-cycling.) But -I saw these *same* symptoms in my ex-husband who was Bipolar. I personally believe that -whether or not these flash episodes are actual cycles themselves- they are part of the depression cycle, in any case (as long as we are still talking about Bipolar). During the depression cycle the Bipolar-affected person loathes himself (and the world/people around him) to such a degree that the loathing spews out in the form of quick, unthought-out anger from extreme frustration and impatience. Many Bipolar people then immediately want to "make up" for the ugly episode of behavior and bitter, abusive words, recognizing their explosive anger and behavior is frightening, wrong, and simply not acceptable to the rest of society. Thus the appearance of a "rapid cycling" episode -albeit likely a misconclusion. Hope this helps. -Rio
Mythical Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Dear Guest, My ex was EXACTLY like that. I was with him for 4 years and that was one of the reasons I feel out of love with him. He would do the exact same thing and when he was nice he would apologise for all of it and he would actaully realise how hurtful it was to me but it would happen over and over again. It got to the the point where he was going to see someone, saw them a couple times and it got better but he was stil lthe same and it was the last thing I needed and wanted to be around. We broke up almost two years ago and I still speak to him on a daily basis. He is still EXACTLY the same. If you really care for him and want to be with him he needs to get help because I know how it feels I almost feel emotional abuse is worse. He says "well whatever I didn't mean it" ...etc but sorry boddy it fing hurts and it just makes you have a terrible view on the person and you wait for the next freakout to happen. For now be there fr him and be understanding and happy if he agrees to the help. You don't need to be in that kind of relationsip it isn't good for anyone. Im sure thigns will get better with a lil help. Hang in there
Art_Critic Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Someone who has BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder ) can cycle very rapidly They call it ultrarapid-cycling ..
Love Hurts Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Learn all you can about Bi-Polar. Many BPs enjoy the feeling of not taking their meds… until they low crash start on the meds again…..regain a sense of balance and stop taking them again, it’s a cycle within its self. If they drink while on meds……they may as well be taking a sugar pill…. useless. Some BPs stay on their meds and live perfectly balanced lives. Others flounder and struggle with the on again off again cycle of meds. What you see now is mild because he is..... putting his best forward…. Prepare yourself for those times when you will be told……. I love you, I hate you……..on a daily basis before he rebalances…. Love conquers all… but can you keep it together on your end... when your not receiving love for potential seemingly endless cycles of time? Rapid extremism is difficult to ingest. You’re going to do what you want to do………. be prepared. Are you prepared for the long term lows? Best Wishes
ahsumgurl909 Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Loving someone with bipolar disorder. He is a wonderful person believe me and once you get him some medication and stuff your relationship will be great. Dont give up on him until u find out for sure if he is bipolar. If hes not then there are other issues to be addressed. We all have things wrong with us but we all deserve to have someone whom is willing to go the extra mile to find out what it is and help us walk through it. Even if that is the only reason God put you in his life. Is to help him and move on. Your there for a reason. No one meets by chance. Good Luck
riobikini Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 re: LoveHurts: " Many BPs enjoy the feeling of not taking their meds… until they low crash start on the meds again…..regain a sense of balance and stop taking them again, it’s a cycle within its self. If they drink while on meds……they may as well be taking a sugar pill…. useless. Some BPs stay on their meds and live perfectly balanced lives. Others flounder and struggle with the on again off again cycle of meds. What you see now is mild because he is..... putting his best forward…. Prepare yourself for those times when you will be told……. I love you, I hate you……..on a daily basis before he rebalances…. " ArtCritic: " Someone who has BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder ) can cycle very rapidly They call it ultrarapid-cycling .." ArtCritic and LoveHurts -I think you both are on the ball with your answers (above)! Those were some very good possibilities with what's going on with the original poster's bf. What she's describing may -or may not be- connected Bipolar illness, at all. -Rio
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