TPol Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 My boyfriend and I have considered trying it (both versions of it!), we both feel secure in our relationship and think that we can handle it. Luckily we're both on the same page and nobody had to force the other one. We believe that in a long-term relationship sex can become boring and it wouldn't hurt to try something new, of course as a one-off bonus. So, have you ever tried it with a serious partner? Or would you consider doing it?
blind_otter Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I've had more than one threesome. I would never, ever do this with someone I was committed to. IME it's easier if all parties are uninvolved, or associated on a friendly level, only. Human beings are naturally jealous creatures. it's not about you guys being secure in your relationship -- because you have no control over how that third party will behave, nor can you control how that third party will view the situation. People often fantasize about this without realizing that the third person is a human being with their own input involved. You open the door to a lot of emotional confusion when you let others in to the intimate part of your relationship.
Author TPol Posted December 20, 2006 Author Posted December 20, 2006 I agree that this might open the door to a lot of unknown things. We both agree that we have to discuss this before going ahead with it. But both of us lack sexual jealousy (or so we think), not that we'd be okay with the other having a one-night stand behind our back (we agreed to monogamy), but in the form of a 3-some we should be fine. On the other hand, if there are issues that might surface after a 3-some, it means that there are issues that we need to deal with. The bottomline is that we shouldn't see it as "cheating", if we do, then this might change the whole dynamic which is dangerous. And as for the 3rd part, he/she has to be a complete stranger, friends are off-limit as it will eventually complicate things.
blind_otter Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Well if it's a complete stranger than I would be seriously concerned about STDs. You never know. The third party could be absolutely fabulous in bed, to the point where the interaction affects your future sexual activities. IME it is possible to sexually seduce someone in the space of one sexual interaction. But hey, you ask for opinions of those who had experienced threesomes and I shared mine. I've had more than one. Enjoy the consequences.
IpAncA Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Well I've never done that nor would I be open to doing it. That's ok. Sure sex can become boring but there are other things that can be done besides bring other people into it. There's LOTS of other ideas that will work. You probably don't want to do it with a stranger because you have no idea what they have. Also if you both are so secure as you say in your relationship, then you both have no problem doing this with someone you know. Why would there be complications if your both secure enough to not let something like this get in the way of your relationship. Something to think about. Good Luck!
JamesM Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Here is a question I have had... When you are done with sex, where does the third person go? As dumb as that sounds, consider that lovemaking between a committed couple is more than sex. Usually after lovemaking, a couple talks and shares intimacies or hugs/cuddles. So, where does the third person fit in? "Uh, thanks for helping. Have a nice day." Personally, I would love to see a woman in bed with me and the wife. But that is probably more exciting as a fantasy rather than make it a reality. Conflicts that can happen with a complete stranger... You have no idea of that person's background. He or she could be mentally imbalanced or obsessive or...and the list goes on. That person may fall in love with one of you two. They call this Fatal Attraction. This could lead to stalking or worse. You or you SO may fall in love with that stranger. A new problem. One of you two may become jealous while watching. One of you may think that the stranger is fabulous in bed, and then no longer enjoy each other. This stranger may bring an STD into your relationship. What are the benefits? You may have a sexual fantasy fulfilled. Now you make the decision.
hotgurl Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I have had more than one threesoems as well. And I would never do it in a commited relationship again. We thought we were not jealous but he was very jealous. Also the third party started wanted more. I was a total disaster. The seond time happened the same way. third party feelings developed guy became jealous. If I were to do a threesome ever again it would be in a casual relationship.
hidingbehindGuest Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Yup. Did three while coupled myself at the time and then two with married couples. The most important component to the threesome situation seems to be -surprise- communication among all three individuals. None of mine ever involved strangers and I am inclined to believe that this is why jealousy never became an issue during or afterwards. Just be sure to talk, talk, and talk some more with your partner and your third before stumbling into one. Be clear about your boundaries and you can have an enjoyable experience without any awkward residue.
barfool Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Threesomes are a dangerous ground. I would say that most couples can't handle it. I've been the third for two couples and one of them went fine and the other not so much. For the one that worked they didn't have boundaries as far as the three of us. If one of them wanted to be with me alone we did that or if they both wanted to be involved we did that. If you can't stand the thought of your SO being with someone without you then I think you can't handle a threesome.
Author TPol Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 I don't want to get defensive or try to justify our decision here, just interested in your opinions and experiences. Thanks for the replies. So to address a few points mentioned already: Re STD, well, every couple that gets together for the first time are strangers to each other, hence safe sex must be practiced. I don't see bringing in a 3rd person (a new stranger) is going to be any different than a new couple getting together. Some behaviours increase the risk of STDs, such as having many partners, anal sex etc. Nevertheless some of us choose to indulge in them considering all the risks associated with them. It's a choice, to me the risk doesn't seem to be significant to prohibit me from this behaviour. As for either of us falling in love with the 3rd party, the chances are very slim. Neither of us is the type who fall easily, it takes me months & months! And we both can separte sex from emotions, sometimes sex is just sex. Yes, there is a chance she/he might fall for us, but that's just too bad! Yes, they may turn out to be pyschos, it's all the more reason to be careful as who we choose as the 3rd party. James, funny you ask about post-sex etiquette, my BF and I have been jokingly talking about it! What are the logistics? How do we ask them to leave without offending them, suppose it has to be discussed prior to sex, but we're both kind of shy! However we communicate very well with each other and talking about it so far has been quite fun.
TYASAFAHICSI Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 I agree that it needs to be a stranger. As a matter of fact, I would be inclined to go to Vegas and hire someone for the event. When it is transactional--it si a no brainer. If they are a "prostitute" and registered, they should have a clean bill of health. When they are done, they want to leave, so the poist coital issue is now moot! Go for it and have fun--report back with photos and video (or a YouTube URL)
blind_otter Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 I agree that it needs to be a stranger. As a matter of fact, I would be inclined to go to Vegas and hire someone for the event. When it is transactional--it si a no brainer. If they are a "prostitute" and registered, they should have a clean bill of health. When they are done, they want to leave, so the poist coital issue is now moot! Go for it and have fun--report back with photos and video (or a YouTube URL) This is actually good advice. If you are considering this, and want a stranger rather than someone that you know, at least legal prostitutes are registered and required to do regular STD testing. Plus if the person isn't in your local area then there's no chance that anything illicit can develop. Oh I take that back....less of a chance.
Author TPol Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 Actually we considered using an escort. But I'm not crazy about the idea, not morally against prostitution, but would like the other person be with us because she wants to not because she's being paid. Funny, he went on a business trip to Vegas a couple of weeks ago, he wanted me to go along, but my work schedules didn't allow me. I even suggested maybe we should try it there! Frankly, I'm not worried that the other girl will steal my BF or my BF will have a secret affair with her. That can happen anytime, anywhere without a 3-some. After all we live in a big city with plenty of opportunities to stray for both of us. If the basic trust isn't there, the relationship is doomed anyway.
norajane Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Think long and hard about how you might feel watching your bf going down on another woman and him getting pleasure from her (and vice-versa for you bf). Some people think they can handle it, but when they see it right there in front of them, they can't handle it and it's upsetting and they can't get it out of their minds in the future. Have your bf consider how he'd feel if the other guy has a bigger penis than he does, or is able to hit your g-spot or make you come in ways your bf hasn't. Discuss exactly what you will do with the third person - what sexual acts are ok, and what sexual acts are off-limits - so there are no surprises. Is it ok with you for your bf to rim the other girl? Is anal sex off limits? Is your bf ok with you swallowing? Make sure to discuss the limits and rules with the third person beforehand. Discuss what you will do if one of you gets uncomfortable in the middle and wants to stop. Agree on what you'll say to let everyone know it's time to stop. Dicuss what you will do if the third party contacts one of you in the future and wants to continue the relationship or wants a repeat in the future. Have a plan for what you will do if a condom breaks or slips off - discuss this with the third party as well. If the other woman isn't on BC (or you don't necessarily know her well enough to trust she's taking the pills), will she agree to take a morning after pill if the condom breaks?
Author TPol Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 We have already discussed some of the boundaries; there will be no anal sex, no French kissing and some other stuff. He even said he'll be happy just to watch the two of us (even though I have zero lesbian experience!) if I got jealous mid-way. Will report back when/if it happens, but sorry, no videos!
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