Baileykeg Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Hey everyone. Happy holidays. Most of you know my story about how my MM (who has been separated the entire time we've been together) is struggling with being able to take the final step to file for divorce. He's been separated and living apart from the W for 2 years. We've gone back and forth, tried NC, set deadlines, the works. Nothing has changed other than the fact that we've spent the entire last year together, growing deeper in love. Our current situation is this...we've decided to give up on deadlines and not talk about or deal with him filing for divorce until January. He says he doesn't want to serve the W right before Christmas and to some extent I can understand that. I agreed that we would spend the holidays together (with his family and mine) and allow him to deal with filing/service in January. Now my question....what do I do when we get to the end of January if nothing has happened? My plan is to not bring this up again until the end of Jan. If nothing has happened do I just go NC? I just don't see the point in going over whatever the excuse might be as to why he couldn't have done it in January so I guess I just disappear? What are your thoughts? I'm so frustrated with this...it's been a year!
Freedom Now Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. NOTHING will change unless you change it. He will NEVER change. Why would he? Soon (I hope), you will get tired of this craziness and walk away. Perhaps, then, he will get off the pot. But he won't ever do it as long as you are there. As I said before....why would he?
sapphire0903 Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I have to agree with FN I am in love with my MM as well........I know it is hard, sad, frustrating, I know that I don't feel these things until I am away from him. So what am I doing?........I am dating, a very new experience, MM is included in the dating pool, but he also know I am seeing other people. It is crazy that we continue to stay with them, .......actions speak volumes,..........even though the words are nice to hear, they don't hold much weight with no action behind it.
NoIDidn't Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I'm with Freedom Now! All this back and forth is driving you crazy. You are asking for opinions on something that only YOU can decide. When it gets to be too much for you to take anymore, you will do what is best for you. All the missed deadlines is nerve-wrecking and it comes across in your posts. The real question is: what do YOU want to do? I think he is going to drag this out as long as you let him, though.
Author Baileykeg Posted December 20, 2006 Author Posted December 20, 2006 I'm afraid that I just don't know what I want anymore. I want him to do the things he's told me over and over that he wants to do. I want to move forward with a normal relationship where we can plan our life together just like we've discussed. I want all of this to happen without me having to go through the gut wrenching pain of having to walk away from him. I don't want to be alone.
whichwayisup Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 what do I do when we get to the end of January if nothing has happened? My plan is to not bring this up again until the end of Jan. If nothing has happened do I just go NC? I just don't see the point in going over whatever the excuse might be as to why he couldn't have done it in January so I guess I just disappear? What are your thoughts? I'm so frustrated with this...it's been a year! Say goodbye and tell him to call you when the papers are filed. If you don't do that then you're enabling him to stay and the situation to stay as it is now. He needs the fire lit under his butt to DO, or you two have to end it. I know you don't want to be alone, but how long do you intend living like this? It isn't fair to you, or to her either. I don't understand what is really stopping him, other than fear of the unknown......
Trialbyfire Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 He's been separated the entire time. What can possibly be stopping him from filing his papers? You had better look deeper into it and clearly understand his underlying issues. Always look to his actions, not what he says.
Author Baileykeg Posted December 20, 2006 Author Posted December 20, 2006 It's his actions that are giving me the hangup in being able to walk away. In the year that we have been together he has spent all of his free time with me. The first 6 months we were together we were living in different states. We managed to see each other almost every other weekend. The weekends we were apart he checking in with me constantly. We would talk for hours. We have talked every single day (multiple times a day) for a year. He now lives in the same state (2 hours away). He spends every weekend with me. He does crazy things like driving 8 hours to spend a few hours with me when I was on an out of town trip. He comes to town to take me to lunch and then go back home. Everything he does shows me how much he loves me through his actions. I have absolutely no idea why he is reluctant to file. He says they've talked about it and agreed it is what they need to do but when the time comes he panics and can't do it.
whichwayisup Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I have absolutely no idea why he is reluctant to file. He says they've talked about it and agreed it is what they need to do but when the time comes he panics and can't do it. Until he resolves this, then things won't ever change. I hope in a year from now if he still hasn't filed Divorce papers you are not around in his life. HE is being really stubborn and selfish. There MUST be a reason why he isn't filing because him doing what he is doing is just nuts.
Trialbyfire Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Find out why he panics about it. Then see if they are issues that are resolveable. Don't forget that sometimes people don't even understand themselves. He may be still in love with his ex or has concerns about committing in another relationship. Best to find out now so you know what you're dealing with, before you get any deeper into it.
whichwayisup Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Honestly, maybe he needs to go talk to a shrink to sort things out in his mind. Suggest this to him.
Author Baileykeg Posted December 20, 2006 Author Posted December 20, 2006 He went to a counselor for several months. He said it helped him sort out a lot of issues. He quit going though which I think is a mistake since obviously he still panics when it's time to file. He says he panics because he's not 100% that it's the right thing to do. He says he feels guilty and has doubts that there could have been "one more thing" he could have done to make the marriage work. I'm just so tired of trying to figure out why he panics that I've quit asking. He's slowly chipping away at our relationship I think and I imagine that one day I will be stong enough to put an end to this nonsense. I just can't do it right now.
Trialbyfire Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Here it is straight up. He feels guilty about filing for divorce but consistently breaks his promises to you for the past year. You had better find out where he prioritizes you and stop letting your mind play games about past efforts. I'm not in the exact situation you are but do understand a situation where he's not putting you first and you're too available so he doesn't have to. He has to understand that you're not an OW but a partner.
Guest Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Since he is two hours away and dragging his feet; I would be highly suspicious. Something about this isn't ringing true on his part...
frannie Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 He went to a counselor for several months. He said it helped him sort out a lot of issues. He quit going though which I think is a mistake since obviously he still panics when it's time to file. He says he panics because he's not 100% that it's the right thing to do. He says he feels guilty and has doubts that there could have been "one more thing" he could have done to make the marriage work. I'm just so tired of trying to figure out why he panics that I've quit asking. He's slowly chipping away at our relationship I think and I imagine that one day I will be stong enough to put an end to this nonsense. I just can't do it right now. OK, no-one can ever be sure that something is 100% the right thing to do. Has he considered that his 'issue' isn't anything to do with his marriage/divorce per se, and actually more to do with decision-making? Does he have trouble in that area generally? I know that I do. You find it hard to make a decision because if you do one thing, you cut of chances in another area..? This is a huge problem for some people. It could be worth thinking about... getting some literature on making decisions? There is a book called 'Do One Thing Different'... very popular, and it has a chapter on decision-making that really made me think. Perhaps starting there would be a good idea..?
Guest Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 Do you know without a shadow of a doubt that he is truly not with his W... have you met his children, have you been to his house? Sorry, but like someone else said.. something just does not seem to be ringing true here....
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