Empty1 Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Two weeks ago my husband said our marriage was in trouble he didnt love me like he used to. We have been married 15 years with two kids 13 and 9. We went to 2 marriage counselling sessions and at the last one, he said it was over, it cant be fixed. He has moved into the spare bedroom and has since talked of moving on, splitting up all our assets etc. He told the kids and family and friends and I think feels a great weight off his shoulders. I have been in total shock and crying nonstop for days. He said there is no one else and I believe him. He said that there is no spark there anymore and we both deserve better. He wants everything to be amicable and both stay in the house till we sell it and he will help me set up new bank accounts, new house for me and the kids and still wants to be good friends and sais that I will get well looked after cause I have the kids. We have booked a holiday for after Xmas and he still wants us all to go as a family. He has told me that there is no chance of staying together. I just dont know how to act, whether to go away with him or not. I thought our marriage was okay, although the intimate side had lost its way. I cant go on, I am just heartbroken and sad and dont know what to do. I cant believe this has happened. Please help what are your opinions.
hopeto Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Look, I am so sorry for you and I know how you feel. I was married for 18 years and be glad that he has noone or did not do what my husband did. as far as the trip go, you never know where it might lead. try to rekindle that spark. I do know this I spent 18 years of my life trying to make my husband love me and the key is you cant. hold your chin up.... know that he still will be in your life always..why because you have children together and you never know.. when you get out there and other men give you attion then he may come around and see that he was wrong. the word I can pass to you is BELEAVE!!!! all things are possible and there is no obisticles you cannot over come. for the first month you will see no ligt. you will see only darkness and cry all the time. you will feel like checking out of this cold crul word(which is not the answer) your children need you!!!! you will see no light at the end of the tunnel. you need to go to your family physican and get on some anti deseprents!!! they work then you will be just numb for about a month and then when the meds kick in you will say hummmm I did not cry today. and it wil start to get easyier and easyier. you will still have days but you will be ok I PROMISE. It is not the end of the world and I know it feels like that right now but it wont forever!! the hard fact are the world is the place that is hell and it does not stop for heartache. it will carry on and you will to. I am sending you great love and compassion and lots of huge that justs holds you tight so you can just cry.
Guest Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Thanks for your reply, it helps to know someone is talking to me as I dont have any close friends or family to talk to. I was thinking if I go away with him then he will be happy because he will have company, but if I dont go away with him he might realise how hard it will be without me. And then there is the other option that if I go away with him I wont be home on my own and we may have a nice time and he may make him think about it. Although in saying this he is the type of person that once he has made up his mind thats it. I know life will go on, but I am 48 and I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life and I dont think I will every find anyone else because I am not an outgoing person, I am a bit of a homebody.
Guest Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 I bet a million dollars there is someone else. I wouldn't believe him at all!! He's feeling guilty...and that's why he says he's going to take care of you..exct.....he doesn't want his dirty secret exposed. If I were you...I would do some research...and snooping to see if you find anything. Hang in there. This stinks...but you will get through it.
Author Empty1 Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 please is there anyone else out there who can help me with some advice. I am not coping at all well. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ilmw Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Empty... (i don't think I want to call you that;) ) How about E1.. Have you read any books on saving relationships.. Divorce Busting... reignighting passion.. etc... If not... get your self to the book store... and get some... You will also have to be patient .. on LS... but once the ball starts rolling... you will get plenty of advice from many fine folks... Also... read many of the posts on here.... they can give much insparation.... and some insight into what might be happining in your life... Ok.. Its time to educate yourself... and get some control back... cause... times like this... can confuse the hell out of you.. and it can be seeminly impossible to concentrate.. sleep...eat.... or function like a normal human being .... Take care... and be expectant to be welcomed by the many. ilmw
NEWDAY Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Of course you are miserable and heartbroken right now, this has come out of nowhere. You were reasonably content and probably thought he was too. It really sucks that another person can take your world and smash it to pieces, but consider this: if he doesn't want to be there, there is no way to force him to stay. So don't try. Don't waste an ounce of energy on trying to show him how big a mistake he is making. Go forward with setting up a new life for yourself and your children, and if he decides to rejoin you, make him work for the chance. You are valuable, you are important, you have a lot to give the world, but first you have to pull yourself together and realize that having a full, happy and worthwhile life does not require him to be part of it. I understand the huge change in what you were planning for your future, and pain and shock. I know there are other approaches for trying to salvage the relationship, as others have mentioned, but I say give the man what he is asking for, so he will realize sooner what he is losing.
Curmudgeon Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Not surprising that you're not coping well. This had to come as a huge shock and your emotions are tumbling around and very raw right now. I had basically the same thing happen to me after a 25-year marriage. I, too, clung to hope that things would change and get better. They didn't. I, too, was 48 when it hit. Retrospectively, it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Once the fog cleared and reason prevailed over emotion I saw clearly that the end of the marriage was really in my best interests after all. It also helped that I discovered that the ex had a boyfriend waiting in the wings who moved in with her and my minor daughters long before the divorce was final. While I know it's unbearably hurtful right now, you WILL survive and there IS life after divorce. It can also be better than anything else you've ever experienced if you're open to letting it be. I can't think of anything sadder than spending your life out of habit or "comfort" with someone who really doesn't love you. By the way, two years later, at age 50, I married a friend I'd known for five years and we just celebrated our 10th anniversary. She'd been single for 18 years and interestingly enough, was 48 when we finally came together. I thinkl there's something magic about that age and it's all good! I would go on the holiday but give him space. He might just begin to wonder and want to come back and try again but if you "chase" him, it will just stiffen his resolve. Act as if it's all for the children and he doesn't factor in. Many men really love a challenge. I know that I do.
Romeo Must Die Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Hang in there a little longer, maybe he is not the one for you. All these tears are wasted on someone who doesnt deserve them...when you could be with someone who doesnt make you cry like this.
Author Empty1 Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 Thanks so much guys for replying, it helps to know so many people have been through similar experiences and come out ok. I wonder how many people years on are still not happy and regret the outcomes. I never realised there was so many sad people that are having relationship problems. I dont think I will ever take what I have for granted again if I can find happiness. I am so glad I found this site and that strangers take the time to offer a kind ear, I really appreciate it. I am just trying to take each day as it comes, thats all I can do, but its so overwhelming. I havent read any books on saving the marriage as I am positive he is not about to change his mind he didnt want to pursue marriage counselling.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 He said that there is no spark there anymore and we both deserve better. He wants everything to be amicable and both stay in the house till we sell it and he will help me set up new bank accounts, new house for me and the kids and still wants to be good friends and sais that I will get well looked after cause I have the kids. We have booked a holiday for after Xmas and he still wants us all to go as a family. The old "let's be friend's" routine, huh? Sorry honey, but usually when your partner says "we both deserve better"... that's because they've already got somebody they think is better waiting in the wings. I feel like such an alarmist these days... but much as I told another lady on another thread, it just doesn't add up when a guy starts this crap right before the holidays. Sure, people do sometimes leave for their own reasons, (and most especially when there is a dearth of sex in the relationship)... but why now? Another month or so would disassociate the season of love and peace from the breaking up of the family dynamic in the minds of the kids. Sometimes you gotta ask yourself... where's the fire? If you haven't already read it, take a look at Mum's thread. She seems to be in an extremely similar situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f19/ I have to tell you... the fantasy aspects of the "let's be friends" gambit throws up all kinds of big red flags for me. Damn near everything I posted to Mum, I would've posted to you.
Delarocha Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 Empty1, first of all I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know it won't make you feel any better, but I happen to be a man going through almost the exact same situation (only my wife is the one who is not sure we can be together.) So, I guess my point is that you are NOT alone. My situation is obviously a bit different as we do not have children, but I still think I have at least an idea of how your heart is feeling right now. I think reading, self analysis, and trying to do things outside the house are in order right now. I know it's the holiday season, but I think you need to take some time to be selfish with your own thoughts and feelings. I understand that having children limit the degree to which you can be selfish, but take the time when you can. Please understand that this advice is coming from someone who is trying to implement it as we speak, so it certainly isn't coming from long learned experience. I guess the only thing that has kept me sane in the past few weeks is setting goals for myself. My number one goal at the moment seemed unattainable when I started, and that goal is to get to a place mentally and emotionally that I know I will be ok no matter what happens with my marriage. Although I am not quite there yet, I realize I am at least making progress. It gets easier every single day to think about that possibility and realize that it MAY in fact be reality. I have/had invested so much of my own personal happiness into the simple existence of another person (my wife) that I felt at first I could not possibly live without this person in my life. This is obviously not a very healthy dynamic. Another goal of mine has been to let go of the past, let go of blaming myself for my situation today, and to figure out where I want to go in the future. To be honest, that future planning is currently only about 24 hours. I know that tomorrow I want to be more confident, more strong, more of a caring/loving person to friends,family, and strangers. I know that I want to be able to walk down the street and look people in the eye. I know that I want to BE happy. Not to simply be content with my life, but to truly be happy (at least most of the time.) Finally, I did seek therapy for myself (And have been seeking couples therapy). I NEVER thought I needed therapy and have always kind of equated therapy with voodoo. I honestly am wondering at this point if I completely freaked my therapist out. I think most people build up a trust before telling certain things about their life, but I don't work that way. At the price tag most therapists ask I spilled my guts... I spilled EVERYTHING and watched her madly scribbling. Of course I didn't get to WORK on any of that, but just telling someone helped. I'm sure I'm diagnosed with some awful depression now, but I figured the process is about honesty, why not be completely open from the beginning. (I obviously mean therapy for just you... ) Ok, so I didn't mean to go off on a tangent about myself. I guess our situations mirror each other so closely that I wanted to tell you what has been helpful for me. I read a list that Gunny posted of 34 things you should and shouldn't do. (Sorry I don't have the link handy, damn...) I have been reading a LOT of posts here. Try to wake up everyday and focus on WHY you want to be happy, and HOW you can get there. Just my .02 cents.
Author Empty1 Posted December 21, 2006 Author Posted December 21, 2006 I really dont think there is an other woman, I have asked him countless times and he sais you and everyone will see when we split that I dont have anyone else. I have been checking up on him now for a while checking his bags, wallets, suits and even followed him a couple of times but havent found any evidence of another woman. The hard thing is in his line of business he can easily hide stuff as he always comes home at odd times as he has late night appointments. I think it would be easier if I didnt have to still live with him in the same house. He said he doesnt mind if we all go away after Xmas together or if I dont feel comfortable I can take the kids on my own or he will. He has been trying to talk me into seeing a doctor and getting anti-depressants because he said I shouldnt still be crying uncontrollably after a couple of weeks. I just dont know how I can continue to live together until we clean up and sell the house, I dont know how to act. He thinks that because he is the breadwinner that things should remain the same, eg he provides and I still do all the housework, cooking, and cleaning. I asked him for a talk last night and yes he stayed to talk but I could tell he just wanted to go to bed as he said a couple of times he was tired. He did mention that he wanted to get on with his life when we were talking last night and it had a really bad impact on me, it really hurt. He is acting all cheerful and friendly in front of the kids and I am losing my patience with them and when I question him that he is so happy he tells me it is an act for the kids, but I dont know. I need to make up my mind to go on the holiday or to stay away from him cause it will make it hard if I go knowing that this will be the last time, I am sure I am going to feel very upset and I am finding it hard to be nice and friendly towards him.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 He has been trying to talk me into seeing a doctor and getting anti-depressants because he said I shouldnt still be crying uncontrollably after a couple of weeks. Crying is normal. Ask him if it's okay of you kick him in the crotch a dozen or more times a day... and see if he thinks he might cry a little if you did. Antidepressants are for the treatment of chemical depression. Most help to adjust the reuptake of serotonin and/or dopamine. Prolonged situational depression can throw the body's neurotransmitters out of whack, that's true. So... this IS something you can discuss with your doctor, but make that determination based on how YOU feel, and not because your WH doesn't have the stones to watch you cry. I just dont know how I can continue to live together until we clean up and sell the house, I dont know how to act. You said that he's the "breadwinner", so I don't know if it's feasable to throw him out. In most states, you can't make your spouse leave unless you feel like their a threat to your person anyway. Also, if you're interested in recovery.... you have more opportunity to "Plan A" if your spouse is in daily contact with you. If you read the thread that I posted you a link to, there's lots of discussion of "Plan A", so give some thought to it. You might also want to incorporate some 180's into your plan. Here's a list: Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes I need to make up my mind to go on the holiday or to stay away from him cause it will make it hard if I go knowing that this will be the last time, I am sure I am going to feel very upset and I am finding it hard to be nice and friendly towards him. If it were me and I felt like I could work my plan... I'd go. I'd smile and be pleasant. I'd be good company. I'd act like everything was perfectly normal. If I felt like there was no way I could get my plan off the ground, I'd send the kids and the husband alone. That way, I could take a little time to get my head in the game, see the doctor, etc. At the end of the day, yours is the final decision... but that's what I would do. You might also want to consider going back to the counselor on your own. It sounds to me like you might be able to utilize his/her guidance in the communications process. Plus that, it'll make you feel better to have someone to talk to. One last thing... if you can do it without getting caught, you might consider hiding a voice activated recorder in his car. It needs to run silently, and if there are any lights on it you'll need to cover them over with tape. You can also put a keylogger on his PC if you've got access to it. Be careful though if he's a computer expert. If he's up to anything... you can bet your ass he's talking to somebody about it.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 The old "let's be friend's" routine, huh? Sorry honey, but usually when your partner says "we both deserve better"... that's because they've already got somebody they think is better waiting in the wings. I feel like such an alarmist these days... but much as I told another lady on another thread, it just doesn't add up when a guy starts this crap right before the holidays. Sure, people do sometimes leave for their own reasons, (and most especially when there is a dearth of sex in the relationship)... but why now? Another month or so would disassociate the season of love and peace from the breaking up of the family dynamic in the minds of the kids. Sometimes you gotta ask yourself... where's the fire? If you haven't already read it, take a look at Mum's thread. She seems to be in an extremely similar situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f19/ I have to tell you... the fantasy aspects of the "let's be friends" gambit throws up all kinds of big red flags for me. Damn near everything I posted to Mum, I would've posted to you. I agree here as well. When these kind of phrases come spewing out of their mouths, it's almost certain that someone else has crept into the picture.
mum2three Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 It's me! Mum (see my thread). I felt just like you right b4 thanksgiving. I think we are fed some bs because our husbands want to leave guiltless. I hear you when you say that it is so hard to live under the same roof. I am trying to decide what to do either. It is suffocating to see him so "moved on" with life and be all jovial with the kids and totally block you our emotionally and physically. Truth is...We can't be friends right now! Btw, I am curious about the laws with kicking out spouse who wants D but won't leave. So what if they r breadwinner. We should not be subjected to this emotional abuse. I can't seem to follow Rule #19 OF being happy & supportive like someone your spouse wants to be around. I don't walk around mad but I am not conversational either. That wasn't working. He was acting more agitated when i try to engage him and he didn't want to spend time as a family eating lunch out or food shopping. When he told you that he was done and that there is just no returning, salvaging, or trying it sucks. But I got thru the first few wks. My H claimed there's nobody else, I've always been faithful etc etc etc. Well, guess what how can u believe that at this point when he doesn't feel married to you anymore? I have clues all over the place that stinks. I am not telling you to be paranoid but no one could be not curious. In the end, it doesn't matter if there is OW. I would still like to know the details but will it save our marriage. Both parties have got to want it. He is refusing counseling like my H and I know how that feels. We gave what we thought was the best for me (12) years and 3 kids and that's all he can do for me now??? I just want to do a round house kick on him!!! What gave him the right to single handed decide for all of us and not give me or the kids a chance at being the full time spouse and parent that we made vows to do together?? Well, they have a choice and so do we. We need to focus together on the facts. They do not want this now. Don't try to convince him of what he is losing. He is seeing the greener pastures on the other side for sure. Focus on you you you and the kids. I am only 4 wks ahead you in this crazy life. He dropped the D-bomb b4 thanksgiving. I chose to go back to my parents for some mental breaks. I won't leave for too long but long enough to re-energize and not feel like he has all the power. Will write u more later. We r all here. I truly understand so please don't fall in the sink hole.
Romeo Must Die Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 LOL, LJ... whoops, I have broken every one of these rules ; ) RMD's Divorce Busting Remix 1. pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead and implore! 2. Make frequent phone calls, leave lots of messages on his vm. 3. Point out good points in marriage and all the things you have done for him from a to z. 4. Follow him around the house (wake him up if he is napping to talk) 5. Encourage discussions about the past 6. Ask for help from family members, friends, neighbors, grocery store clerks. Make sure his mom knows everything. Tell her that he used her heirloom quilt to change the oil under his car. 7. Ask for constant reassurances 8. Buy gifts (and use his checkbook to buy them) 9. Schedule dates together (when you know he is with OW) Make him take you to the kids Christmas play. To the auto repair shop to pick up your car. Ruin all their plans or at least leave lots of dents in them. 10. Spy on spouse, never let him get away with anything. Check on his emails to make sure he isnt talking about you. 11. Say "I Love You" and scream it out loud in the parking lot as he is driving away so all the neighbors can hear you. 12. Don't act as if you are moving on with your life. Who cares. It's okay to nurse your wounds. FTW. 13. Be cheerless, weak, helpless and grubby but do it in a pair of daisy dukes when he picks up the kids. Give him the big doe eyes. Make him feel as guilty and stupid as you possibly can get away with. 14. Sit around, dont do anything, blow off going to church, pick fights with your friends, etc. Theyre just gonna tell you to get over him again. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) TALK NONSTOP. Bring up affair constantly. Ask lots of personal questions about affair/OW in the car on a long road trip. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK HIM AGAIN & AGAIN THEN CALL HIM THERE TO CHECK ON HIM AND THAT HE IS WHERE HE SAYS HE IS AT ALL TIMES. 17. You need to make your partner think that he has ruined your life and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to make it your personal hobby to ruin his life. 18. Be extra nasty, angry or even cold. Fu*ck with him like he fu*cked with you. 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse your evil side. Show him someone he would never want to be enemies with. 20. All questions about marriage should NEVER be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it. Hell will freeze over first. 21. Lose your cool often, especially in public. Make a scene and cry. 22. Be overly enthusiastic until you get your way 23. Argue alot 24. Be impatient 25. Ignore his protests 26. Never back off, shut up and walk away. Push harder. 27. Take care of the OW too, show her who is boss 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak LOUDLY 29. Write lots of letters, emails TM's. Show up at his office unexpectedly 30. Act desperate or needy because your husband is a KISA 31. Focus ONLY on yourself when communicating with your spouse, dont let him turn it around on you. 32. Believe what you hear and 100% everything of what you see. Bring these things up later to make your point. 33. When you get mad give up walk out of the house and slam the door alot. Gun the engine and leave tracks. 34. Backslide from your hardearned changes and confuse him.
mum2three Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 I really needed that one RMD (that's my acronym for u) See E1, you can get thru this too. I owe much of my sanity to these wonderful supporters. We need to go thru all the emotions, the anger, the feelings of betrayal, and then the sky begins to clear up a bit. Somes days are cloudy and even rainy but there is hope for a crisp blue sky. HEy RMD, I would like to print the remix D-rules and hang it up! It's halarious and I don't feel that bad for having broken many of them. But having the knowledge I did recover quicker.
Author Empty1 Posted December 23, 2006 Author Posted December 23, 2006 You guys are absolutely right, I will get through this, I have no choice. I have been reading all these posts and have gained lots of knowledge. We are all or have been in similar circumstances, its good to know how people handle them. Even mum sounds optimistic. I like the voice activated recorder idea because I am suspicious. I will have to look into this further, but then I think to myself what does it matter whether he has someone or not, its over and I have to get on with my life, although on the other hand if I found out there was someone else I would be extremely angy and vindictive and toss him out and goforeverything I could - maybe those reasons alone are the reasons that he would lie and say there was no-one else. I have decided I am going to try and be happy - well I said try didnt I, no how hard is this goingbe and I am certainly going to try and follow the Divorce Busting rules, love em. I know who wants to be around someone that is down, sad and miserable. I am just trying not to be near him at the moment, giving him his space, what else can you do. I am pretty cold, dont really want much to do with him, I actually hate him. I told my mum today on the phone, she lives interstate and she is very upset. Like she said, she could have left a million times from my father but you just dont do it, unless things are really bad of course, which my husband sais thats what the case has been for the last few months. I do have to take a lot of the blame for this as he did say once before we needed to go to marriage counselling and I said no that things were okay. If he had of pushed me then and said our marriage wont last I would have gone. Too late for ifs now hey. I still havent made up my mind on whether to go away or not, I will see how things go on the weekend. Tomorrow his parents and brother are coming over for Xmas, they are not too happy with his decision, will let you know how things go.
Romeo Must Die Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Yeah well, there is just no possible way to do ninteen without having to start all the way back at the (dang) beginning again. Friends with the WS/STBX, puhlleesse... I'd rather fight. LOL, actually, I think they wrote the original Divorce Busting rules somewhere in the late eighteenth century, when Dr. Michelle Werner-Davis was just a little kid. She is probably a hundred years old now lives in an old house full of cats. There is an unwritten divorce ettiqutte to follow, but you already know that one. Always act like a lady, don't have revenge affairs, take care of your kids and focus on your career. Don't smoke or drink too much, it wont replace him or take away the pain. Keep the drive-bys down to a minimum, in case you get caught...
Ladyjane14 Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Yeah well, there is just no possible way to do ninteen without having to start all the way back at the (dang) beginning again. Friends with the WS/STBX, puhlleesse... I'd rather fight. LOL, actually, I think they wrote the original Divorce Busting rules somewhere in the late eighteenth century, when Dr. Michelle Werner-Davis was just a little kid. She is probably a hundred years old now lives in an old house full of cats. There is an unwritten divorce ettiqutte to follow, but you already know that one. Always act like a lady, don't have revenge affairs, take care of your kids and focus on your career. Don't smoke or drink too much, it wont replace him or take away the pain. Keep the drive-bys down to a minimum, in case you get caught... I can't say I agree with all that. Certainly, the last paragraph is a given and should be printed and memorized. But where infidelity is present, I still don't think it's possible to know what's left until the affair is busted up. Granted, that's nothing to worry about for a person who's preference is actually divorce and who no longer has any romantic love for their spouse. In that case... yeah, a quick clean rip of the old band-aid is probably for the best. In situations where divorce is unwanted and reconcilliation is preferred though... it doesn't make sense to continue a combative stance. Boundaries can be set without all that, and quite frankly it takes TWO to get into an adversarial position. That's how most folks end up in such a sticky situation to begin with. It's all too easy to find ourselves living as opponents rather than teammates with our spouse. I just read a post in the OM/OW forum a couple of minutes ago where the OW clearly states that the MM feels "guilty" when he's getting good treatment at home. He tends to stay away from OW when things are good with his wife and pursue OW when they're not. Now, I'm not saying ANYONE should be a door mat and tolerate a sexual affair within their marriage. Me?.... I'd be out of here like a shot. This is an absolute deal-breaker in my book, and if my husband thought I was a bitch before... well, let's just say I'd illustrate the contrast between 'before' and 'after'. So, no... I'm not saying that reconcilliation is always the right thing to do. But, for those who feel the need to try, there's no way to get it done until the affair is over. And it's not going to end without beating the OM/OW's time and putting him/her out of business.
mum2three Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Glad u r getting some fire under your butt! It helps to get out of the mourning stage. Although it is easy to flip back and forth daily or even hourly it is important to keep focus on yourself and your kids. Believe me, it's hard but that fire will make u start running. Personally, I do obsess (hate it but can't help it either) over clues of OW but i refuse to spend money to have him followed b/c it's not worth it. I wouldn't want a man that disrespects me like that anyway. Yes, I will be pissed when i see those clues but it will not change your H's mind. He already does not value the marriage or you as a wife. I had to face that very truth myself. He is just someone that I knew. Right now, he does not even treat me as a friend. He just wants me out asap and he's ready to move on. All his actions tell me that he wants out. Unfortunately, I see that in your situation too. Your H at least invited you to spend the holidays together. Mine told me that his family was coming and that I can choose to stay or go. Damn! I want to kick his ass. But I didn't even get dirty rebutting him. It is not worth it. But I do truly see him for what he is now. I chose to leave for a few days so I can get my head straight. It is always hard leaving but it is important b/c it is so suffocating under that roof now and i can't even think for me. We became too complacent and now it's time to stand up b4 it's too late for you or your kids. Showing strength does not mean that you don't love him or IF he chooses to go to counseling then you could still support it. My therapist really helped me put it into perspective. I will share that with you b/c she would not let me leave this first session w/o this message. With every action or situtuation, you can choose to react by choosing one of the following: 1) Being a vengeful, spurned woman who wants to kill him or clean him out. 2) A loving supportive woman who he may return to (but not as a doormat, don't take abuse) 3) The victim who is constantly crying and feeling sorry for herself. I told her that am between the (1) and (2)! I am not going to be a doormat and let him walk all over me but i won't play those dirty games either. You just do what you need to do to take care of yourself & the kids. I think she told me to consciously think about those choices b/c she did not want me to be sapped of energy and morale so that I fall into deep depression. There is no time to mull over details of OW when ur spouse has mentally left the relationship and almost have both feet out the door. Know your worth!
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