Childhood molestation and future relationships.

[Guest]

if u loved someone would u want them to tell u about something like this if it happened?

 

totally

[hopeto]

yes, because I am a child of this and it affects not only your life till you die but it will also carry into your relationship. so it is best to tell you so that he/she may be able to understand you better but if you do not tell that is ok too because some is so painful and never recived any help that it is better for them to close that chapter and never look back

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes, you should tell. I've told every partner I've been with. They need to know what they are up against as far as in the relationship, because sometimes it makes things hard.

[JamesM]

Absolutely without a doubt.

 

I am married to a survivor of childhood sex abuse. It has had and I think still has a big effect on our life. It would be unfair to your future partner to withhold this secret for a number of reasons including...

 

Without this knowledge, your partner may have no clue why you react to certain actions as you do. For instance, scheduling sex for us is out. This still reminds my wife of her childhood and brings back those memories. Sex becomes forced rather than fun. She needs to feel that it is spontaneous, and that she had control when it happens.

 

You may wonder all of the time whether your partner will accept you if he or she were to find out your past. You may consider yourself danaged goods. Your partner may have no problem with accepting you past, but until you tell him or her, you will be afraid.

 

At some point, this secret of your past may come up, and then your partner who may now be married to you, will be forced to reconcile a secret that you could not tell hm or her. This happened to my BILs. You will have taken away the opportunity for you partner to feel that he or she went willingly into a relationship with you, knowing all of the facts.

 

It is definitely best to tell this to any partner who appears to be willing to make a longterm commitment.

[blind_otter]

You HAVE to tell if you expect to have an intimate relationship with your partner. Otherwise you'll get triggers and all freaked out and they won't know why and that will freak THEM out.

[garvis]

My opinion is conflicted. My wife has told me that she was abused sexually as a child. In fact, she told me on the night of our first kiss.

 

Is it important for someone who experienced abuse to reveal what actually happened?

 

In my case, just knowing something happened is enough. I don't think knowing anything more would help things. I'm here for her if it's something she chooses to reveal, but I have no desire to press her.

 

But I do agree that knowing that something happened to my wife is important. It helps me to understand that she has problems with affection at times.

[loggrad98]

I think it depends on the individual. Some people need to talk about it. I think everyone needs to talk about it to help sort it out. My wife was molested twice in her childhood...once by a babysitter (actually 2 babysitters on the same night, and brother and sister) and once by her cousin who was 12 years or so older than her. She told me some details, but it was after we were serious about our relationship. She had a tough childhood in general (several step-mothers, including her aunt for a while....<shudder>) and I helped her get through some tough moments as she came to grips with some of the things that happened to her as a child.

 

I think if you truly love someone you would want them to open up to you, especially if it were something that affected them as deeply as childhood sexual abuse. Maybe the details are not all that important (again, depends on what the individual feels they need to get off their chest), but airing things like that out to a trusted loved one can make all the difference.