Seriously....

[cbl]

I have to admit that I haven't finished reading all the thread... as there's just too much to read. I apologize if this topic has been discussed before. What brought me here in the first place is that I am in the process of leaving my MM for those lies, stress from his W (long story), and the loneliness was just too much to bear (not that I don't enjoy being alone. but with a man sleeping by your side for a few months and suddenly it was taken away - it will take some getting used to) and I am hoping to get some new perspectives from people going through the same thing.

 

So my question is that, after going through the affair with your MM/MW, do you still have faith in the kind of marriage "till deaths do us apart"? Especially for those who ended up living a happy life with your MM/MW, has this thought ever once come across your mind? I have to say that I am not trying to do a generalization here. I know MMs/MWs reach out for different reasons, and some are really stuck in terrible situations and can't get out without seeking strengths from the outside. And for the BS, what is your belief that hold you together as a devoted wife and dedicated mother as ever, to this man who once cheated on you, other than love and history? What about trust?

 

I figured that I have developed some doubts about my faith/perceptions on marriage, after what I have gone through. I don't believe in eternity anymore. Promises can be easily broken - for one simple, tempting reason. And I can trust no one but myself – not even the guy who share the bed with me. And no, I don't have a commitment issue. I commit to my career, to my relationships, but I am just not ready for kids. And yes I have normal relationships with single guys before. 6-7 normal, stable relationships until some pretty normal reasons that broke us apart. And yes, both of my MMs are repeated offenders, and so are other married colleagues who flirted with me at workplace. Do I believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater"? I think I do. My MM once told me that he was with almost 20 women during his 26-year of marriage and his W found out quite a few. I wonder what it takes for his W to stay in the marriage with him, if trusts aren’t there anymore.

 

Maybe I should post my question in the "Infidelity" forum but I guess I am more interested in hearing voices from OWs in my situations as well as the BS's.

 

Sorry for the long post.

[Guest]

I have to admit that I haven't finished reading all the thread... as there's just too much to read. I apologize if this topic has been discussed before. What brought me here in the first place is that I am in the process of leaving my MM for those lies, stress from his W (long story), and the loneliness was just too much to bear (not that I don't enjoy being alone. but with a man sleeping by your side for a few months and suddenly it was taken away - it will take some getting used to) and I am hoping to get some new perspectives from people going through the same thing.

 

So my question is that, after going through the affair with your MM/MW, do you still have faith in the kind of marriage "till deaths do us apart"? Especially for those who ended up living a happy life with your MM/MW, has this thought ever once come across your mind? I have to say that I am not trying to do a generalization here. I know MMs/MWs reach out for different reasons, and some are really stuck in terrible situations and can't get out without seeking strengths from the outside. And for the BS, what is your belief that hold you together as a devoted wife and dedicated mother as ever, to this man who once cheated on you, other than love and history? What about trust?

 

I figured that I have developed some doubts about my faith/perceptions on marriage, after what I have gone through. I don't believe in eternity anymore. Promises can be easily broken - for one simple, tempting reason. And I can trust no one but myself – not even the guy who share the bed with me. And no, I don't have a commitment issue. I commit to my career, to my relationships, but I am just not ready for kids. And yes I have normal relationships with single guys before. 6-7 normal, stable relationships until some pretty normal reasons that broke us apart. And yes, both of my MMs are repeated offenders, and so are other married colleagues who flirted with me at workplace. Do I believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater"? I think I do. My MM once told me that he was with almost 20 women during his 26-year of marriage and his W found out quite a few. I wonder what it takes for his W to stay in the marriage with him, if trusts aren’t there anymore.

 

Maybe I should post my question in the "Infidelity" forum but I guess I am more interested in hearing voices from OWs in my situations as well as the BS's.

 

Sorry for the long post.

 

 

i believe this was where i stopped trying to figure things out because it is impossible to make decisions based on the unknown and any association - its that wall that never moves and last time i hit it i moved on and started dating - not for any other reason than u can't assume and read into something vague and unclear -

 

so, i guess its time i did that again

 

take care everyone

[Double D]

Interesting thread!

 

I must admit I was an idealist, someone for everyone and that marriage in forever but ince I was involved with a MW and she was a repeat offfender it has definetley given me a moment of pause in terms of the whole marriage debate.

 

Ultimately I think you can just about trust yourself completely let alone someone else but hey every rule has its exception and people can surpise you.

[Freedom Now]

For me, it was so many things that made me leave my MM. I truly trusted that he was faithful to me. And when I found out he wasn't, my head snapped to attention and I intellectually left. A line was crossed.

 

I do believe that unless a person truly understands WHY he/she cheated and does actively work to fix that problem, he/she will cheat again.

 

I would find it incredibly difficult to stay in ANY relationship where trust is not there and disrespect runs rampant. I have no answers.

 

And the fairytale marriage that I wanted and believed in doesn't exist. My innocent belief in that "soulmate" love has been shattered.

 

But for me, once the trust in our love was destroyed, WE were destroyed. And there was no turning back. It was done.

 

Simple as that.

[Kinger25]

In my experience, I have found that it is usually financial reasons that keep wives with their cheating husbands. My aunt & uncle were a classic example of this. He cheated on her consistently for 15 years. She knew about it but didn't leave him. When I got older I asked her one day why she never left him after the way he treated her and she said "well if I left him I wouldn't be able to continue living the lifestyle that I am accustomed to" It took me a little while to work it out, but it was clear in the end. He worked hard, earned good money. They had a 6 bedroomed detached house in a lovely area. She had a BMW X5, 2 horses, 3 dogs, about 75 pairs of shoes and more clothes than the whole of Oxford Street put together. She would have sacrificed too much if she divorced him. He was happy to stay married to her, she never has sex with him but continues to spend his money. They are still together now. She is happy doing her own thing, she has a good life, doesn't work, has her nails done every week, her hair coloured every other week, she is the model wife if they have to go out for one of his works do's. She probably has someone on the side for herself to satisfy her sexual needs (although she has never admitted this to me and to be honest I wouldn't blame her if she did, she was always 100% faithful to my uncle and he treated her like poo). Separating for her, would be pointless, unless she ends up falling in love with someone else.

[sapphire0903]

I certainly understand the pull between "do I believe" or "don't I "

After a 13 year marriage, I ended it.

One of the questions to myself is "Would you rather continue living with this man or be alone?"

My answer was I would rather be alone than stay.

 

I met up a year later with a sep man, dated him for two years, who decided to begin dating his wife of 25 years again.

She was told about me, and that he still wants me in his life (this is what he SAID he told her)

Anyway, without getting into my story............I am not so sure that I would ever want to get married again.

I believe what would work better for me is having someone exclusive, however, I don't want to live with him, I want to continue having my own home, my own life, ...........sure doing things together, and sharing our lives would be great,.........but I still want my own space, time, and individuality.

I just don't think I can trust someone 100 % with my heart, emotions, feelings ect.

This last relationship really took a chunk out of my heart and pretty much sealed the deal on not wanting to marry again.

What I am doing now is dating.

A very new experience

MM is still in my life, but not like we were. He knows how I feel about the whole situation, and to this moment it makes me very sad.

Everybody's sees things with different eyes, it is good to know you are not alone, and can come here to talk it through, get some thoughts and ideas.

I suppose until the time comes where matrimony is seriously an option, I would go with your gut feelings.

Mine is .........HELL NO!!

[cbl]

thank you all for sharing your thoughts.

 

Guest: you are right - sometimes there are things in life we can not figure out and all we can do is to move on until someday along the way the answer presents itself - i wish you best of luck.

 

Double D: i love your spirit... someone for everyone. i will bear that in mind

 

Freedom Now: it must have been very hard for you when you found it out. i kept on doing reality check when i started dating my MM and we agreed on some sort of "open relationship" (other than him having his W) when i realized that he can never be faithful to ANYONE.... this way i wouldn't get hurt. i feel your pain. but at the same time i hope you find the one, and the only for you very soon. there must be one. your own soulmate. it might not last forever (that's what i believe for now) but being able to spend a few year together, it's godsend.

 

kinger25: call me feminist... i would never trade my financial independence with anything else in the world. but your observations are pretty consistent with what i see. but then, i wonder if that's the only reason that makes your aunt stay in her marriage. wouldn't she be as rich as she is right now after a divorce? i read it in another thread, don't remember who commented though, that "changes in life like this spells fear". fear of losing regularity in life, to a lot of people, is their biggest nightmare. especially in the case of older couples.

 

sapphire: i admire your courage for walking away and making positive changes in your life. for me being single all my life (i am now 34) i enjoy dating, falling in love, sharing good and bad with my intimate partner every moment of my life. but i still have that dream of getting married, having a family and kids of my own, one day with the right guy - someone who believes that it is ok for a woman to be independent and vulnerable at the same time. i thank you for sharing your experience with me and i wish you all the best in enjoying your new experience in life

[pureinheart]

I too share the same sentament, and have a hard time believing....there are non cheaters out there that respect commitment.....

[movinon05]

During my A, I thought we were soulmates. I knew in my heart I would never love anyone like I loved MM. When we occasinally broke up, and when we finally broke up, I was very depressed for awhile because I thought "I will never love another man like this ever again." I mourned the loss of that feeling and knowing it was over for me in that way. But I still went out and dated, wishing but never hoping that there really was someone else out there that I could feel that way about. I said I would have been happy just having a companion, but I know myself. I know that I really would like to be in a loving marriage. Yet I was still not willing to settle. And I still do feel that way. If I can't find "the" person, I'm not going to settle and have another unhappy marriage down the road.

 

Now I am dating a man who I really love. Its not ga ga love, but its a really wonderful feeling because its grounded - based on a relationship that continues to grow as we learn more about each other. This is something different than I would have expected. But I'm finding its so very necessary after the insanity of the A. We have so much in common its scary, but its this commonality that fuels our relationship. And I'm actually feeling normal again.

 

So I would have to say that yes, I do now have hope and the belief that it is possible to have a solid loving R. No, I don't know the future, but for now, it sure feels good to have that hope again.