IngenueMisnomer Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 As some of you guys may know, I set a Dec. 31 deadline to the R with MM. Lately he's been asking me to extend the deadline. First a bit of background. Not only do we work for the same organization, we also work in the same department although in distant branches. Due to some upcoming projects we'll be working together sometime in January for about a week or so. In fact, we'll probably have a lot of contact within the whole month, in person or otherwise. He wants me to extend the deadline to atleast February because he doesn't want to be uncomfortable having to work so closely with me and for our communication to be frigid, terse..or not "sweet" according to him. He also says that he can't deal with situations like that and might end doing something incredibly stupid to try to reach out to me. He says that by February things will taper down to their normal pace and we would barely have to see each other after that. On the other hand, I think I can come up with ways to tactfully avoid having to be alone or work directly with him so I'll be one doing all of the avoidance. But I also don't want to be completely selfish. What do you guys think?
quankanne Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 let me see if I got this straight: you set a deadline to end your affair with this man on 31 Dec, but he wants you to wait so that it won't be awkward working with you during subsequent weeks? Excuse me? Does the term "have his cake and eat it" sound familiar? He wants you to be "fair" to him, but he doesn't give a rat's *ss if what he asks of you isn't exactly "fair" to you – you think you're being selfish for wanting to stick to your gameplan? I think I can come up with ways to tactfully avoid having to be alone or work directly with him so I'll be one doing all of the avoidance. doubt be plaguing yourself with self-doubts about your decision – it sounds like you've already done a good job thinking about how to avoid the guy after the break up so that it's not so messy. If you want to walk away from this with your dignity in tact, stick with your original plan; to change your mind because he won't agree with your decision is to cheat yourself of that dignity.
bonehead Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 You have established boundaries. Don't compromise them to make things easier on him.
oyster Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 which deadline are we talking about? NC, signing paper, divorcing, make up his mind?
Author IngenueMisnomer Posted December 19, 2006 Author Posted December 19, 2006 which deadline are we talking about? NC, signing paper, divorcing, make up his mind? Oops! forgot to mention that. The A will be over. As in, from Jan 1, will be going into NC.
blind_otter Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 I think he's just stalling for time. And with a conflict avoidant personality the prospect of having to deal with you makes him nervous. But if you're sure you can establish boundaries and stick to them, I would recommend that you stay the course and just stick with your original deadline.
Author IngenueMisnomer Posted December 19, 2006 Author Posted December 19, 2006 I think he's just stalling for time. And with a conflict avoidant personality the prospect of having to deal with you makes him nervous. But if you're sure you can establish boundaries and stick to them, I would recommend that you stay the course and just stick with your original deadline. He's exactly conflict avoidant. I have never known someone to avoid conflict that much. He just ignores or denies whatever he doesn't want to deal with. That about him alone told me there's no hope he'd ever make a change. So I decided to move on with my life.
oyster Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Oops! forgot to mention that. The A will be over. As in, from Jan 1, will be going into NC. what are you trying to accomplish with the NC? I say NOOOOOOOOO to the deadline extension. 1-Business is business, personal is personal. Him being busy and you too working together is not valid reason for extension. 2-Not negociable.
blind_otter Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 He's exactly conflict avoidant. I have never known someone to avoid conflict that much. He just ignores or denies whatever he doesn't want to deal with. That about him alone told me there's no hope he'd ever make a change. So I decided to move on with my life. For what it's worth, that's an amazing statement to make. Kudos to you.
Author IngenueMisnomer Posted December 19, 2006 Author Posted December 19, 2006 For what it's worth, that's an amazing statement to make. Kudos to you. Thanks alot, blind_otter, I really needed that encouragement. Sometimes he talks as if I'm so harsh and unrelenting in the way I do things. As if I'm only thinking of myself. But I instituted this deadline 6 months ago when he gave me such a hard time for trying to break up with him. The 6 month expansion was because I wanted to be considerate. But not anymore. This time, there's no turning back. I think he know I'm steadfast this time and he might be a little scared or nervous so he's finding all kinds of excuses for me to change my mind.
blind_otter Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Well don't let his inability to deal with conflict sway you. Six months was more than enough time for him to get his head on straight, and if he can't handle it, then he can't handle it. That's definately NOT an attactive quality, either. No problem, you deserve the encouragement. Stay strong!
kymberann Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 As if I'm only thinking of myself And there is nothing wrong with that!!! You have to think of yourself first, because no body else is going to! Let him be scared or nervous, that's his business, that is sending a clear mesage that you deserve to be happy and you areno longer willing to be lead along by his stall tactics! Best
quankanne Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 . Sometimes he talks as if I'm so harsh and unrelenting in the way I do things. As if I'm only thinking of myself. But I instituted this deadline 6 months ago when he gave me such a hard time for trying to break up with him. The 6 month expansion was because I wanted to be considerate. But not anymore. This time, there's no turning back. I think he know I'm steadfast this time and he might be a little scared or nervous so he's finding all kinds of excuses for me to change my mind. dang, girl, you're a much nicer person than he deserves! My guess is that at some point after the end of the month/relationship, when his little gimmicks, ideas and attempts to "win" you back fail, he'll turn a blind eye to you and pretend that you don't exist. Kind of like my dog does when he knows he's in trouble but knows better than to walk away when I fuss at him ... stay strong.
norajane Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 I think that's plenty of reason to end the affair today - why wait til Jan 1? You already know what he's about.
movinon05 Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 This whole thing makes me ill. And confused. So is he saying that if you do go final on 12/31, it will be too hard to deal with you in January (because he is already knowing he's not going to go through with any relationship with you?). If that's the case, I say say goodbye now! Or are you hoping in some way he will come to you at the deadline? I'd get rid of him now. Too bad for him. The selfish pig! You can do better.
ratingsguy Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Reading your story, I was actually siding with your MM... for a couple of reasons. This time a year sucks for any relationship to end, it really does. Also if you are going to see each other a lot in January and not so much in February, a Jan. 31st deadline didn't seem too unreasonable. That is until I read you had a similar deadline SIX MONTHS AGO! So forget everything I said. Stay very firm with your Dec. 31st deadline. He had 6 months of opportunity to figure out exactly what he wanted. Good luck!
bonehead Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I think that's plenty of reason to end the affair today - why wait til Jan 1? You already know what he's about. I would have to agree. Besides, he tried to overstep your boundaries, there should be consequences
Author IngenueMisnomer Posted December 20, 2006 Author Posted December 20, 2006 This whole thing makes me ill. And confused. So is he saying that if you do go final on 12/31, it will be too hard to deal with you in January (because he is already knowing he's not going to go through with any relationship with you?). If that's the case, I say say goodbye now! Or are you hoping in some way he will come to you at the deadline? I'd get rid of him now. Too bad for him. The selfish pig! You can do better. Anything short of him saying "I'm ready to leave, here's what I'm going to do" is not going disway me. But I already know that's not going to happen. Because quite frankly, I know he doesn't have the guts to do so even if that's what he really wants. He's a very wishful person. He says alot of "if this, if that", talking about meeting my friends and family, all from a hypothetical perspective. Sometimes I think he denies the very reality of our situation just so he doesn't have to face the truth. That quality about him absolutely frustrates me. I think he secretely hoped that we'd continue this way indefinitely without him ever having to make a choice. But anyway, this deadline and NC is all about me trying to move on. I'm not waiting, wondering, hoping, willing anything anymore.
Author IngenueMisnomer Posted December 20, 2006 Author Posted December 20, 2006 I would have to agree. Besides, he tried to overstep your boundaries, there should be consequences I'm waiting until Dec. 31 as a courtesy to him. I know I won't hear the end of my "selfishness" if I choose to end the A before then.
movinon05 Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Anything short of him saying "I'm ready to leave, here's what I'm going to do" is not going disway me. But I already know that's not going to happen. Because quite frankly, I know he doesn't have the guts to do so even if that's what he really wants. He's a very wishful person. He says alot of "if this, if that", talking about meeting my friends and family, all from a hypothetical perspective. Sometimes I think he denies the very reality of our situation just so he doesn't have to face the truth. That quality about him absolutely frustrates me. I think he secretely hoped that we'd continue this way indefinitely without him ever having to make a choice. But anyway, this deadline and NC is all about me trying to move on. I'm not waiting, wondering, hoping, willing anything anymore. Sounds alot like my exMM, but I think he knew he wasn't leaving. Although he didn't have the guts to admit it or tell me to my face. So he disappeared. If you must leave him a deadline, make sure you stick to it. Don't get your hopes up. good luck.
Guest Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 I really like the description of Conflict Avoidance as that is my MM too. The minute I say over the phone that I wnt to discuss matters I can hear him panic on the other end. He starts saying things like I still want to see you definitely (a sure sign of NO Show!) next Wednesday and I will phone you earlier if I can. Then he doesn't call atall because he doesn't want to discuss US and answer serious questions so he backs right off and calls some weeks later when he thinks I wil be missing him, and be so relieved that he has called that I won't rock the boat. So we continue as before but the serious discussion is put on the back burner. I think you MM is stalling for time and only thinking of himself as most of them do. Don't forget that this Affair is about his needs and desires. He calls the shots most of the time determining when and if he will see you. So why should he think about your needs? My MM cannot handle me when I am emotionally charged up as he calls it. That makes him recoil. So I think your MM has already decided he is staying put but does't want to have to face you in the new Year so he asks for an extension of time which helps him, not you. Look at the end of the day, if he wanted a full on R with you he wouldn't bother about waiting for a deadline to expire; he would be beating your door down to discuss the future with you. I bumped into my MM after he let me know on the phone that he was going to the library. When I got to the library, I could see that he was annoyed with me and when I asked him what he ws doing he said that he had another 1.5 hours booked on the internet and he had already been there for 1 hour. Now I figured that if he had wanted to talk to me he would have logged off his computer and gone for a coffee with me. He was only tracing his ancestry. But instead he made it clear that he was staying on the computer and suggested that I wait for him for 1.5 hours. I was fuming and then he said that he would phone me the following day so I left. He of course never phoned. I thougt that he should have logged off the computer and not made me wait for 1.5 hours and I decided I wasn't going to do that. I say to you, ditch him now even if it is the season of goodwill. If you do that and he wants you he wil come to you but I wouldn't put money on it. I don't want to sound harsh but I have been there. He will find it very hard to say that he doesn't want a full on R with you because that is an admission that he has been using you. So he would like to just fade away dealing with it like a coward and then go NC with you.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 IM: Do whatever you think is best...I know it's hard...Best of luck to you...
Guest Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 A lot of us in this same situation. My MM and I have gone NC a couple of times but generally I break it. His story is the same old I love you more than her we have an amazing life together etc but the facts are that he remains with her, unfortunately most do. It is only when we go fully NC and try and be on our own that we determine his real intentions. I am planning NC end of Jan, all throughout Jan I will be preparing myself for the worst and if it reaches 31st I know what I have to do. Easier said than done but I will keep in my head that if he wants future together he will leave. If he really cant be without me then he will leave and if he can manage without then he is not the man I thought he was and this is not the love it should be. I will be hanging onto that thought to try and keep strong. I hope you stay strong and get through this time. Hugs
bonehead Posted December 22, 2006 Posted December 22, 2006 I'm waiting until Dec. 31 as a courtesy to him. I know I won't hear the end of my "selfishness" if I choose to end the A before then. Your selfishness???? What is he showing by asking for an extension?
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