chryssy83 Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Okay, so I know this guy I could date when I arrive home after the Christmas holidays. I know it wouldn't get serious. I know I wouldn't marry him ever. I know that I couldn't be in love. I know that he will probably get frustrated with a lack of the type of physical intimacy he expects when dating. BUT, if he knows I'm not thinking serious and we just went out and kept each other company, would that be wrong? Would it be wrong to do that to him (in case he could have stronger feelings)? Would it be using him? Would it be wrong for me? At the end of a LONG term relationship, should I be focusing on myself instead of falling into the arms of some other guy I'm not even that interested in? Would it make this easier or harder to take? As an (important) side note--part of me still wants to be with my new ex. God, I hadn't called him that yet! So far there has been no contact between us, but I have this lingering hope that he will miss me. Logically, I know that by not contacting him he's going to take that as a sign I don't want anything more in the future--I have always been the one to contact him before and we always got back together. This time, I want us to get back together...I just want to know he won't change his mind again. I want it to take more work on his part. Is that a wrong use of NC??? To make him work for it if he wants it? Am I playing games? What should I do?
blind_otter Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 BUT, if he knows I'm not thinking serious and we just went out and kept each other company, would that be wrong? Would it be wrong to do that to him (in case he could have stronger feelings)? Would it be using him? Yes that would be using him and it would be wrong. You should be focusing on yourself and not distracting yourself with an empty, meaningless relationship that you know won't work. It would make it easier in the short term, but MUCH harder in the long term and doesn't everyone want to get over a breakup asap, rather than draggin the coping out? To make him work for it if he wants it? Am I playing games? Yes, you are playing games. I don't think that's any way to establish a relationship.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 19, 2006 Author Posted December 19, 2006 Well, sh_t. Why do I screw everything in my life up??? How can I be so clueless about what to do next????????????????????????????
blind_otter Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 You're not clueless. You are doing the right thing - searching for answers. Just because some answers are wrong does not make you a bad person. Just a seeker, like everyone else. Keep the focus on you, and getting better as a person and becoming whole. Over time you'll be able to make decisions more easily and clearly without all the emotional drama attached. I will say a prayer for you.
goodfriendeva Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 the best way to get over someone is to get under someone... with that said.. yes it is wrong.. your only going to hurt yourself and him along the way of getting over another. what makes you think you would get over your ex by being with another man.. its just covering it up.. and once your over that guy your using..(yes using) you still going to be thinking of your ex.. and feeling crappier then before.. take time to yourself enjoy your alone time.. yes its hard.. but do it the healthy way.. go out with gfs
Guest Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 don't be so hard on yerself - everyone does that stuff everyday. just dust it off and get back in the saddle. look, here's an example - for months i've had every backwards - i just released it after my burpday. see i've been reaching out for this woman, even though she should be the one, and i've heard nothing and then it hit me - i looked at both sides: i have a great job [83k], new house with small mortgage, no debt, regained health and determination regarding add-program, family and friends that care, supportive ex wife and loving healthy daughter, self respect and self love, creative, etc. she has - huge debt, health issues [many], no communication skills, police reports, etc. and i've been the one reaching out? i don't see what she really offers and she basically told yes then no - repeat - so why am i interested in someone that doesn't care and has no interest in a relationship and treats me like i am the one that will suffer - i have moved on.
silentcharon Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 I got into a relationship, actually a long time after my ex and I broke up after 7 years of being together. I quickly recognized that it was a rebound relationship, and as much as I liked the guy, I just wasn't ready. So I ended it after two weeks, it was unfortunate that we both got hurt from it. But sometimes it at least helps people get the foot into the other door that has opened up for them after having one close on them.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 19, 2006 Author Posted December 19, 2006 I just want to call him so badly and ask if he's really sure. How can he be really sure? You should read my post from before about how he called his mom my future mother-in-law. 20 minutes before breaking up with me we were out to dinner, talking about our future just like always. How is this happening?? Is there any possibility he's confused or scared? If so, won't ignoring him just make him think he's blown his chances? And if he did come back, if I'm not sure I could trust him....does that mean he did blow his chances? I just don't want to be 5 years down the road and still thinking that I found my soulmate and not wanting to taint what we had by being with anyone else...
Author chryssy83 Posted December 19, 2006 Author Posted December 19, 2006 I'm scared that if I date anyone else ever it'll make him think that he was right and I wouldn't have loved him forever.
CaliGuy Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 the best way to get over someone is to get under someone... I disagree and when I see this statement it makes me cringe. As long as you are still pining over a lost love all sex with someone new will do is make you miss your ex even more and quite possibly hurt the new person. The best way to get over someone is to "date" (not 'get under') someone new WHEN you are finally indifferent towards your ex.
Author chryssy83 Posted December 19, 2006 Author Posted December 19, 2006 I can't imagine being indifferent. And just to be clear...I don't sleep with guys I date ever. Which makes it that much harder to imagine that there is a guy out there at my age who will be up for a serious relationship with me (without sex).
silentcharon Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 I just don't want to be 5 years down the road and still thinking that I found my soulmate and not wanting to taint what we had by being with anyone else... Never think this way. It can actually strengthen what you had with him if you do end up getting back together with him later on. But for now, I would recommend that you wait until you've sorted your issues out before seeing anyone else. It's better in the long run- nobody gets hurt. Go ahead and just "date"- the right man will wait for you if he really likes you. I would not be too concerned about guys at your age wanting sex to be part of the relationship- there are guys who would be willing to wait. The right man will.
CaliGuy Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 I can't imagine being indifferent. When you fall for someone new you will wonder what you ever saw in your ex. And just to be clear...I don't sleep with guys I date ever. Which makes it that much harder to imagine that there is a guy out there at my age who will be up for a serious relationship with me (without sex). At your age it will be hard but it's not impossible.
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