addicted2love Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Hi All, I've got this incredible fear of the Holiday's. My MM usually comes into town to visit family this time of year. I don't fear that he will try to contact me as I'm sure his W will be watching him like a hawk! However I keep having this horrible nightmare that we are both with our families and run into each out and about somewhere. In this horrible dream we make eye contact and my heart feels like it's ripped open and I run away crying! I know it sounds rediculous but I swear that vision plays in my mind over and over like a bad movie! The only reason I would react this way is because I still want him in my life and I'm still hurt over the way things turned out....no closure, no communication...read previous posts to understand. In my eyes things between us never really ended. MM and I have always had this thing with eye contact. We know how the other is feeling just by the look in our eyes. It's been that way for 17 years. It's that eye contact that scares me the most. I think that if I saw love in his eyes it would be equally as bad as nothing at all...or if he looked away. Oyster and Bonehead.....If you read this I need your help.... I want to compose an email to him....I'd like to try and work out all of these feelings between us before the holidays. I need a mans point of view as to the right words to say to persuade him to work things out with me (good or bad) once and for all. Does that make sense? HELP!!!! As much as it would hurt I really need for him to tell me he's done. I know everyone says "you've got to make your own closure". Well let me tell ya...if I were able to do that I would have done it years ago. I really need to either patch this up or gain closure so that if I run into him I can just smile and keep on walking...without feeling like I'm dying inside. I'm not good at "faking it". I wear my heart on my sleeve. Thanks for letting me ramble. Please no negative replies folks. Like I said if I could "get over it" I would have done so by now.
whichwayisup Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 If you can't make your own closure and move past him, then please consider therapy. Let me ask you this. You write him an email for closure full of questions, how you feel etc and then he ignores it completely. How will you react? You see him over the holidays, eyes meet and he looks away, completely ignoring you. How will you feel? He may not be able to give you the closure you need, which is why some (including myself) will tell you to make your own closure. I'm not good at "faking it". I wear my heart on my sleeve. Hate to say it, but you're a grown woman and are smart and STRONG enough to put on a happy face and pretend all is OK. There are times in life you just gotta fake it, so believe you can do that if necessary.
oyster Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 well tell him 1-you can not continue this relationship as is. 2-no more love triangle 3-make a decision, either go ahead as normal couple (2 people and not 3 or leave you alone 4-if he can't make a decision than be ready to make one for him and WALK AWAY. NC for undetermined period. that should do the trick.
Author addicted2love Posted December 19, 2006 Author Posted December 19, 2006 Maybe I didn't ask the right question. I want to compose an email that might open up the lines of communication again. I was asking for male opinions of what might spur a male to quit being so stubborn and at least have a conversation. If I truly thought that this man didn't care about me and love me I would let it go. But I KNOW how he feels about me. Instead of telling me to get over it can you guys put yourself in this frame of mind for just a moment..... Let's say you truly love a woman...have for 17 years. You re-unite and it's awesome. This woman knows you better than anyone...finishes your sentences. Has the same sense of humor, loves you uncontionally and you know in your heart that you were meant to be with her. How ever you were young and stubborn when you originally had the chance to make her yours forever. Now your both married to the wrong people but you've got responsibilities now that you can't undo. You don't know what to do so you do nothing...you cut her off even though in your heart you know she's everything you've ever wanted. Even your family knows this to be true. What could this women say to you to get you to let her back into your life even as a friend? What could she say to you to make you stop being stubborn? You've thrown up the same wall you threw up years ago, she couldn't break through it so she gave up then...you both agreed that it was a mistake (both the wall and her giving up) So history is repeating itself...how does this wonderful woman tear that wall down? Thanx
ratingsguy Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 However I keep having this horrible nightmare that we are both with our families and run into each out and about somewhere. In this horrible dream we make eye contact and my heart feels like it's ripped open and I run away crying! I know it sounds rediculous but I swear that vision plays in my mind over and over like a bad movie! That doesn't sound ridiculous at all... very profound and sad. Sounds like that dream just about sums it up for you. As for writing a letter to this guy, the advice I can give you is to be completely 100% honest about what you're feeling and what you want. I can't guarantee that he will write back or contact you, but at this point you just need to lay it all out there. That's a difficult thing for a woman to do, especially when there's a chance you can have your heart trampled on. But if I were this man, I would be much more responsive to a very heart felt, open and honest letter, as opposed to something that sounds contrived and beats around the bush. Good luck!
Author addicted2love Posted December 26, 2006 Author Posted December 26, 2006 That doesn't sound ridiculous at all... very profound and sad. Sounds like that dream just about sums it up for you. As for writing a letter to this guy, the advice I can give you is to be completely 100% honest about what you're feeling and what you want. I can't guarantee that he will write back or contact you, but at this point you just need to lay it all out there. That's a difficult thing for a woman to do, especially when there's a chance you can have your heart trampled on. But if I were this man, I would be much more responsive to a very heart felt, open and honest letter, as opposed to something that sounds contrived and beats around the bush. Good luck! Well I took your advice....I sent a heartfelt email. Spelled it out for him...how I feel. I was honest and even a little funny. I asked him to stop being so stubborn and send me an email. (I've always joked about his stubborn side) I ended the email saying that I didn't feel like it was over until one of us said goodbye and that I wouldn't be the one to do it so it was up to him. He sent two reply's the first one said "I will always love you." The second one said "I am one stubborn sob". Two emails one sentence each. OK Guys....what the hell? He won't say goodbye...He knows I want him in my life. I swear he's making my crazy. I know he's got more to say...why the hell won't he just say it? Is he on the fence? I don't speak "guy" I need some guidence here. I know he's just throwing me scraps right now and it p*sses me off. I really want him to just tell me what the hell he wants out of this. But I don't want to be pushy...it's just not me. Please don't respond by telling me how foolish I am and where's my pride. I'm not sitting here crying in my cornflakes I'm a strong woman with plenty of self esteem. That is not the issue. The issue is...I know what I want and I'm as stubborn as he is meaning I'm not willing to give up so easily.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 You're letting him throw you scraps...I hope you didn't reply to his emails...
Author addicted2love Posted December 26, 2006 Author Posted December 26, 2006 You're letting him throw you scraps...I hope you didn't reply to his emails... GEL...The point is to communicate with him. So far we've gone from being ignored to one word emails to whole sentences. He's VERY STUBBORN...it was the down fall of our relationship years ago. I ran away from him for being bullheaded in the past. I'm trying to do things differently this time. I know it seems like a game but I swear I know this man well. If he wanted me to take a hike he'd tell me. I'm sure it seems like a waste of my time to anyone reading this but I know the wonderful man that is behind that stupid wall of his. If I didn't feel he was worth my time and worthy of my love I would have been the one to tell him to get lost.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 I think that the point should be to not communicate with him...you're playing into his hands by continuing...MAKE him come to you...with more than a one sentence email...
bonehead Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 You're letting him throw you scraps...I hope you didn't reply to his emails... must have been a bumper year for carrots
Author addicted2love Posted December 26, 2006 Author Posted December 26, 2006 must have been a bumper year for carrots Thanks...that's helpful
bonehead Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 remember in the cartoons, someone holding a carrot out in front of a horse to get them moving. He is dangleing a carrot infront of your nose. trying to get you to bite. Its right there but ALWAYS just out of reach
Author addicted2love Posted December 26, 2006 Author Posted December 26, 2006 I understand the carrot comment. Yes I'm hooked. I don't care what anyone thinks of me for being lead around by the carrot...let me tell ya I've had the carrot it's delicious! So what do I do to change the carrot situation? Tell him **** or get off the pot? How the hell do I push him off the fence without pushing him away? Sorry...didn't mean for that to sound rude, I'm just frustrated.
bonehead Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 I understand the carrot comment. Yes I'm hooked. I don't care what anyone thinks of me for being lead around by the carrot...let me tell ya I've had the carrot it's delicious! So what do I do to change the carrot situation? Tell him **** or get off the pot? How the hell do I push him off the fence without pushing him away? Sorry...didn't mean for that to sound rude, I'm just frustrated. Truth is more then likely you cant
Author addicted2love Posted December 26, 2006 Author Posted December 26, 2006 I think that the point should be to not communicate with him...you're playing into his hands by continuing...MAKE him come to you...with more than a one sentence email... And exactly how do I make him come to me? Going NC? I did that for a month...he broke it with "hi" yeah a carrot. To me NC means it's done and over. That isn't what I want.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Make him give you more than a one word email...IGNORE him until he does better...
pureinheart Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Hey ATL.... Wow girl, my heart really goes out to you....did I read correctly...17 yrs? Have you known him for part of it, or have you been seeing him all this time? Shoot, there may not be anything that can be said that you mostlikely haven't tried.... to break away from MM....I hope you can get out soon... ((((((((((hugs)))))))))
pureinheart Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 Sorry ATL, read the entire thread and understand your situation....disregard the questions in my first post
pureinheart Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 must have been a bumper year for carrots Man Bonehead...ex-MM dangled carrots in front of me all of the time....nothing but mind games from him...I hate so much what he did to me....I hate also the fact that I allowed it. ATL...if MM feels for you as you say he does, why doesn't he leave his W? I really hope you can put the past where it belongs....you've both moved on....maybe there is a reason you two didn't get M before....just wasn't meant to be...
Author addicted2love Posted December 26, 2006 Author Posted December 26, 2006 ATL...if MM feels for you as you say he does, why doesn't he leave his W? I really hope you can put the past where it belongs....you've both moved on....maybe there is a reason you two didn't get M before....just wasn't meant to be... We both have said to each other that we never should have parted years ago. We get along, we know each other well and the passion we had when we were younger is still there without a doubt. I think he just freaked himself out when the reality of W and kids set in. He's not happy, and he's told me he can't give me up. But he's afraid to make any rash decisions so he throws up a wall. I'm trying to break through it slowly. I'm just hanging in there. He came back to me after NC for 13 years. We discovered that what we had years ago is still there. I don't want to make the same mistake twice by letting him get away. I'm not asking him to change his life...at this point I just want to get to a point where the lines of communication are open again. He's very stubborn. I hate that everyone keeps telling me go NC and he's throwing me crumbs. I'm sure it appears that way but there's a much bigger picture here.
puddleofmud Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 He has obviously been the same bull-head for seventeen years so what is it that would "change" him? Everything you seem to try hasn't thus far; so what is going to change all of this? You are asking what will change this? The answer is HIM. It won't be you beating your head against a wall until it bleeds. There is nothing you can do. Either he wants you or he doesn't. Either he drives up to your house and throws rocks at your window and then proclaims his unyielding love and throws you in his car and drives off into the sunset OR he just stays where/what he is. If there is a bigger picture then you have let him know it's possible. All you can do is wait, maybe forever, if that is what you choose. MEN are of ones of ACTION. Where's the action?
Guest Posted December 26, 2006 Posted December 26, 2006 And exactly how do I make him come to me? Going NC? I did that for a month...he broke it with "hi" yeah a carrot. To me NC means it's done and over. That isn't what I want. you know people are always saying make him come to you by ignoring him, i too feel that would be extremely difficult and not in my demeanor to do. i am new here, but i already see all of this NC stuff, everybody seems to be doing it if you are wanting to continue this relationship i do not think that NC would help you.
Author addicted2love Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 Guest...I'm curious about your story. You seem to be the only person so far that understands where I'm coming from. Thank you for that.
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 if you are wanting to continue this relationship i do not think that NC would help you. If you want the affair to stay an affair, then let it be just that. IF OW/OM is waiting for their MM/MW to decide if the marriage is over then OW/OM MUST go NC so it forces MM/MW to make a choice, otherwise the MM/MW will continue to have their cake and eat it too...Meaning, still be married and still have someone on the side. NC is also a way of getting over someone or taking back control, which to be honest, it seems many people in this situation lose once involved with a married person.
Meredith63 Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 When my MM (now H) were in our A he knew that he needed to make a choice. If he wanted to stay involved with me, it would be with ONLY me. There were no buts or ifs, he needed to make a choice and let us all get on with our lives. When I was his OW, I never called him, I never allowed him to talk about our future, I never allowed him to wax poetic about "how it was going to be". I never allowed him to do things for me, I never allowed him to call me from his home. Whenever he would try to get involved in a problem I was having I used to tell him "You have a W to take care of, I can take care of myself." Yes, OK, LOL I was a b*tchy OW, but... he KNEW where he stood with me. He was the married one, I was the prize. It was up to him to keep me happy, not the other way around. Know what? He left, we married. That was a good many years ago. He says I am much nicer as a W than an OW . People treat you the way that you allow them to.
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