WHY NOT ME? When will it be my turn?

[Heart//broken]

Hello all. I'm turning the big 30 in a couple of days. I haven't had a relationship for about 6 years. I seem to get a guy interested, have a date or two then

 

NOTHING!!!

 

I know all the advice. I understand and practise what everyone instructs, for example if he doesn't call let it go, don't sleep with someone too soon. I've had a couple of prospects but two of them implicitly stated that all they want is sex and nothing more. That's not what I want so I ran screeming the other way.

 

The latest one did everything right, I thought this was it. All happy and excited we eventually slept toghether once and then, and now ...

 

NOTHING ...

 

I feel so used and just gutted today. If all he wanted was to sleep with me why not just say so then at least I could run. Don't get my hopes up, break my heart and leave me stranded in lonelyness. Why can't I find someone that will love me.

 

My longest relationship ever is 5 months. I'm starting to think I suck at this, will I always be alone. I'm I destined to wonder this world solo?

 

Can anyone tell me if they feel the same? Can anyone relate?

 

Will it ever get better?

 

Sorry about the ranting, I feel so alone and hurt today. Thank you all that read this far and that has the ability to give some advice or guiding words. Your input is not only welcome but much appreciated.

 

Sincerely

Heartbroken

[shachic]

Oh..i totally feel the same way :-(

I'm 29....a lot of my friends are married these days. The ones who are single are younger than me. I just don't know what i'm doing wrong. My guy friends tell me i'm hot (i don't think that, I think i'm pretty....hot..may be pushing it..lol) - but I will say that I love myself enough to want to look my best when I go out. I work out as much as I can, watch what I eat...i can't afford designer clothes, but I pick what I wear carefully so that it flatters my figure and feminine w/o looking too high maintenance. I want to look like for myself, my friends, and any potential boyfriends.

I'm well educated (masters in engineering!), have a good job, and own my own house in the city.

I come from a very nice, hard working, professional family, and my friends are awesome too. (even the married ones..lol).

 

I mean....I don't think I'm doing anything wrong...i'm not desparate, if I was, I would've married any guy who gave me the time of his day a long time ago.

No..i'm not desparate, but I am feelin a little lonely!

I wouldn't say I am picky when it comes to a guy's looks or money or anything like that. I will say that I'd like to be attracted to the guy I end up.....be excited to be around him, etc. I would like to be with someone who has a similar family background, and also had the same sort of ambitions as me.

 

Right now....i'm interested in someone who actually has a lot of the above qualities. But..I don't know if he's interested in me. He definitely was interested at one point...but for some reason i don't get that feeling from him anymore :-(

I've learned my lessons too....with previous guys who i've either dated or liked...early one in my dating life, I did make mistakes, came off too needy, or desparate to be in a relationship...and of course have sent the guys running.

These days..I'm old enough to know what scares guys away...so I'm careful when I start to like someone. I give them space, as I'm a fairly independent person. I don't treat them badly - I treat them the way i'd like to be treated.

 

but..still.....nothing.

 

What really gets me is this: I see many people in relationships, or marriages....that are just plain crazy! or they treat their partners like crap! or..they are too needy...or they are argumentative....or they have extreme self esteem issues...or they are just plain annoying..!!!

I just feel that..if these types of people can be in a loving relationship..why can't I..?

 

I'm not saying i'm perfect, I'm far from it. But...all these years that I've been single, I've really taken the time to improve myself, my behaviour, my health/fitness, my habits.....so that I can be the best that I can be for the person that I want to spend my life with.

I genuinely would like to have a loving, respectful relationship with a partner who wants the same.

 

But....all of this work...has led me nowhere. And, its not for lack of trying either -I do put myself in situations where I would be able to meet guys who I think would be compatible to me (parties, events...even online!)....I do meet guys in this situations...but it never leads anywhere meaningful.

 

:-(

 

Well..i don't know. I guess....its just not our time yet. Thats the only explanation I have.

[Guest]

Oh..i totally feel the same way :-(

I'm 29....a lot of my friends are married these days. The ones who are single are younger than me. I just don't know what i'm doing wrong. My guy friends tell me i'm hot (i don't think that, I think i'm pretty....hot..may be pushing it..lol) - but I will say that I love myself enough to want to look my best when I go out. I work out as much as I can, watch what I eat...i can't afford designer clothes, but I pick what I wear carefully so that it flatters my figure and feminine w/o looking too high maintenance. I want to look like for myself, my friends, and any potential boyfriends.

I'm well educated (masters in engineering!), have a good job, and own my own house in the city.

I come from a very nice, hard working, professional family, and my friends are awesome too. (even the married ones..lol).

 

I mean....I don't think I'm doing anything wrong...i'm not desparate, if I was, I would've married any guy who gave me the time of his day a long time ago.

No..i'm not desparate, but I am feelin a little lonely!

I wouldn't say I am picky when it comes to a guy's looks or money or anything like that. I will say that I'd like to be attracted to the guy I end up.....be excited to be around him, etc. I would like to be with someone who has a similar family background, and also had the same sort of ambitions as me.

 

Right now....i'm interested in someone who actually has a lot of the above qualities. But..I don't know if he's interested in me. He definitely was interested at one point...but for some reason i don't get that feeling from him anymore :-(

I've learned my lessons too....with previous guys who i've either dated or liked...early one in my dating life, I did make mistakes, came off too needy, or desparate to be in a relationship...and of course have sent the guys running.

These days..I'm old enough to know what scares guys away...so I'm careful when I start to like someone. I give them space, as I'm a fairly independent person. I don't treat them badly - I treat them the way i'd like to be treated.

 

but..still.....nothing.

 

What really gets me is this: I see many people in relationships, or marriages....that are just plain crazy! or they treat their partners like crap! or..they are too needy...or they are argumentative....or they have extreme self esteem issues...or they are just plain annoying..!!!

I just feel that..if these types of people can be in a loving relationship..why can't I..?

 

I'm not saying i'm perfect, I'm far from it. But...all these years that I've been single, I've really taken the time to improve myself, my behaviour, my health/fitness, my habits.....so that I can be the best that I can be for the person that I want to spend my life with.

I genuinely would like to have a loving, respectful relationship with a partner who wants the same.

 

But....all of this work...has led me nowhere. And, its not for lack of trying either -I do put myself in situations where I would be able to meet guys who I think would be compatible to me (parties, events...even online!)....I do meet guys in this situations...but it never leads anywhere meaningful.

 

:-(

 

Well..i don't know. I guess....its just not our time yet. Thats the only explanation I have.

 

ISN'T IT ALWAYS THE CASE WHEN YOU ARE LOOKING U MISS WHAT IS ACTUALLY AROUND U AND WHEN U STOP IT SUDDENLY APPEARS

CHILLAX - ENJOY LIFE AND KEEP YERSELF ON THE PATH U ARE ON

IF YOU CAN LEAVE AND LOVE YOURSELF - JUST THAT FIRST, THEN U HAVE DONE WHAT MANY HAVE NOT YET

[Guest]

Oh..i totally feel the same way :-(

Finally I feel normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Thank you so much Shachic for those words, if I didn't know better I could have written that myself. Only difference I'm 30 and have a doctrate in Accounting. (Obviously not languages lol, if it wasn't for spell check wow)

 

I honestly thought I'd have found someone by now. I'm in such a spot at the moment this guy that I was talking about the latest one. He seems so interested when I call, when I show up at his door, when I do the effort. He even called once or twice on his own. We have everything that I think we require for the beginning of something.

 

I'm realistic. I'm not runnig towards the church wanting to get married. I'm looking for someone to spend my life with. I'm looking for a partner. I'm looking for love and romance. But all these things take time and you need to spend time with the other persone to figure out if he is the one you would like these things with. Surely we deserve these things.

 

I can solve some of the most complex accounting issues in the world, but can't figure out why he doesn't call when he's the one talking about a future. Next time we can do this, next time we can go there, but then he never calls and the plans never realise.

 

What to do? I can't keep calling and all the advice says I shouldn't. But at least he answers at least he shows up when I make the effort. Isn't it worth continuing to see if it could lead somewhere? Should I just continue haunting this guy until he finaly says "leave me alone"?

 

I'm not a nag and I know my distance, I leave a good couple of days between calling him, usually 10 or so.

 

But I just don't know, it's not my picture of a perfect romance!

 

When will my knight on his white horse appear.

 

Or did he sell the horse on his way, took his cash, went gambling and is now sitting somewhere in no-mans land shaking a can begging for some food.

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH GUYS THESE DAYS?

[Love Hurts]

Did anyone see the Bachelor on television? The rich ….supposedly great guy that had 75 females to choose from… He took the virgin… the one female that would not sleep with him. (I didn’t see it ……I was told about it)

I think men today are seeking something lost. They are so accustomed to any female saying here take it its free for the asking. They are tired of searching too. They just do it and move on.

I was told a man will test a female ………HOW?

He will try to break her down. He will plead, ,,, sweat talk.

What ever tricks of the trade he has……to get her done.

But what is he really doing? He wants to know how easy she goes down. If she did it with him… she did it to the man before him and will do it again and again.

A female was recently telling me of her situation: she has been dating a man for six months now.

He dates a lot of females… He said I can’t get you off my mind. Your different……… most girls take off their clothes I don’t even have to work at it.

He is working her over and she won’t give it up.

I do believe the men are sick of the females being to easy to get and they too are lost in a sea of free sex.

Who is marriage material and who is not.

I know its not easy especially if a woman is a widow or divorced or just unloved for years…… She isn’t dead…

She feels ……..and desires. Its hard.

Remedy …..take a cold shower…….. get a hobby………When on a date and don’t look desperate or starved for attention….

Do Enjoy yourself and laugh at your good company……

Remind yourself you can leave it. Before you let yourself be used and dumped. Not Worth the pain and frustration.

Why get turned on for a day and then go back to the drought.

If a man is in candy land sampling all he can……… get out of his way let him munch on by…. Why should he take a bite out of you and keep on walking?

If you’re selling the best candy at the highest price of all………

Walk it, talk it and let them look but not touch until the price is paid.

Why buy the cow if the milk is for free. One woman said after two years when she was certain she almost had her man

She let him have a sample of her milkshake not a full glass just a taste sort to speak…..

He was and is a prominent man in society……… she was the average Jane…… that got her man. When asked how did you land him……….?

She said……..momma always told me not to give the cow away free.

Id like to hear from the men on this one.

 

I do agree its difficult to find a serious man……. I don't think its their fault.....they are lost in the sea of sex.

[phyrespryte]

What to do? I can't keep calling and all the advice says I shouldn't. But at least he answers at least he shows up when I make the effort. Isn't it worth continuing to see if it could lead somewhere? Should I just continue haunting this guy until he finaly says "leave me alone"?

 

Well it sounds like he isn't too invested in the relationship. Can you give a little more details to your situation? Like how long were you together? What did he do that you thought was right? And have you talked to him since you slept with him? Have you always had to initiate things with him?

[Heart//broken]

Well it sounds like he isn't too invested in the relationship.

 

If I was the one giving the advice I'd say he's not interested at all, but as the one havng to take the advice, I'm still hoping that he just might be a little bit, because he calls when ha says he will. When I suggest we do something, he picks me up and enjoys stuff with me.

 

Like how long were you together?

 

We're not together, I've been trying to get to a point were we can have a discussion on what we are but he when the conversation leads there, he changes the topic.

 

What did he do that you thought was right?

 

He is a gentleman. Opens doors pulls out chairs, he's polite. He flirts openly. He'll put his arm around me in public or give me a kiss. When I call he changes his schedule to do what I suggested. He used to always answer the phone when I called. He made suggestions on how we can spend the holiday together. He gave me small insignificant gifts when we are together. (like a rose and stuff) We enjoy each others company. He tells me how beautiful I am and how smart he thinks I am. He tells me the I'm worth gold (he just doesn't make me feel that way, which kind of answers my own question).

 

And have you talked to him since you slept with him?

 

Yes I have several times, he never says anything about it or refer to it, it's almost like it didn't happen. (I think he got what he wanted and is moving on)

 

Have you always had to initiate things with him?

 

Pretty mutch! I can almost feel the answers on this one. Let it go, move on. It's just hard I guess. I was so hoping this one would be different.

 

 

Any suggestions? What should I do? One would think I'm an 16 year old going on a first date. I'm so pathetic, it almost sounds desperate. I think I should take some time off, get some perspective and find myself someone who actually cares. Perhaps start studying again. Then I'm too busy to think about anything else. Perhaps medicine this time?

[Parmalat]

Well it sounds like he isn't too invested in the relationship.

 

I have to agree with Phyrespryte I don't think there is a relationship here. If this is something you want to invest in be careful that your not just going to or looking to get hurt. If he wanted you, he'd be calling, or making plans not leaving it up to you.

 

Sorry for the harsh advice but I think sometimes someone should just be honest.

[shachic]

Heart/Broken, i know exactly how you feel....trust me..!

 

In your mind (and mine..w/ my situation)....there is always a hope of a relationship.

It is hard reading from other people to 'move on...get over it...there's no relationship here!'....b/c I guess I feel i'm at my wits end, b/c I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong.

It would be one thing if I had tons of guys lined up at my door, but I don't.

 

Any guy who meets me, thinks I'm good looking...a few even think I'm hot. I don't think this...I think I'm ok..but not hot..lol! but..what I'm saying is...its not like i'm like this hermit funny looking creature who can't attract a man (lol..if i i was..then I would understand my dillema!).

its just that...I meet awesome QUALITY guys...but nothing EVER happens...and i never have guys ask me out for some reason.

So...I guess when a guy gives you the attention you crave...its sooooo hard not just soak it up and wish there was something more.

UGH..i hate feeling this way, don't get me wrong. I don't like being a desparate girl trying to get a husband.

Thats NOT what I'm looking for right away at all...just like you said...I just want companionhip, love..romance..just someone who I'm attracted to to spend TIME with.

Gosh..seriously.....why do people like us have to suffer silently everytime our heart is broken?

 

:-(

 

I know..people who give me advice are looking out for my good intentions..i KNOW that. But...also...sometimes the advice stings the heart..u know..?

Its just sad. I"m just sad.

I don't deserve to be alone...I've never done anything to hurt anyone. I've always been a good friend...I've always been a good daughter...a good citizen....i've volunteered my time to good causes.....I do everything right. I have a conscious, good values...I always try to do the right thing, and don't take short cuts. I see people who do way worse things than me who end up in really loving relationships.......but I try to be a good person, and I'm still alone

I don't know why I'm deprived of a loving relationship :-(

 

:-(

 

ok...this was longer than expected. I just feel like crying now. Let me tell you what happened today.

I almost got into an really bad accident this morning (the other car...ended up getting totalled..and the girl in that car looked REALLY bad). My car.....i had to swerve to get out of the way, but missed by inches.

I could've been in really bad shape.

 

The guy Im talking to now...we exchanged a short instant message right before I left my house...right before the accident happened.

After the accident, I texted him telling him what had happened...he called me right away to ask if i was ok...I couldn't talk right then, b/c there were cops and EMT people everywhere asking me questions..so I told him I'd call back.

 

I called him back much later in the day, b/c I had to go to the ER (i sprained my wrist and ankle from swerving in my car..not sure how tho!)...when I finally got back to him to let him know I was a little banged up but ok....it was his turn to say 'hey..can I call you back?'

Ok...well...that ws quite a long time ago, and I never heard back from him. I don't know if I will...I don't htink he's that bad that he won't ever call back....but i just feel if he cared about me the same way I cared about him.....he would call back right away to see how I was doing..you know..?

 

I just kept thinking.....he has no idea what state i'm in right now.....and he hasn't bothered to call me back.

I am ok by the way...but i'm hobbling around on crutches b/c I can't put much weight on my sprained ankle..my wrist is in a sling to help elevate it. I hope in a week or two my sprained ankle and wrist will be healed if I take care of it.

 

I just felt so alone today. I was thinking in my mind..wow....if something worse had happened to me....the guy that i have a crush on would probably never ever know until it was much too late. U know..?

how sad and lonely is that..????

 

This is why I long for companionship. I don't want to marry someone just for superficial reasons. I want to not feel alone. And...I've gone through so much in my life when I just thought..wow...i'm doing this all alone...I wish I wasn't.

:-(

 

ok...sorry, i'm done..had to vent. I totally feel like crying now...so if you'll excuse me, I am going to go do that now :-(

[Curmudgeon]

So you want to hear from men, huh? I'm one.

 

Off the top I need to point out that I'm on my second marriage which has just reached the 10-year milestone. Prior to that I was married to the wrong person for 25 years. It doesn't take a mathematical genius to figure out that I'm a bit long in the tooth (which, for you youngsters, is an archaic way of saying I've gotten along in years). I'm the oldest person posting here as far as I know.

 

Onto the matter at hand. I'm appalled at the predominance of meaningless, selfish, convenient and gratuitous sex that seems to pervade our society nowadays. This "free for the asking" practice is extremely off-putting. Were I to be dating now and beginning to get really interested in a potential long-term relationship or ::::gasp:::: marriage, the last thing I'd want to be concerned about is whether or not I'm going to spend my life running across a bevy of men my lady has slept with in the past. The other concern would be that if she was that free-and-easy, what would change, or would there be any change at all, if we married? If sex was just a matter of personal gratification without commitment then, what would be different now?

 

The other issue would be someone who was so needy they gave it away simply as a means to attract and hold onto a man. Needy women (or men for that matter) are very off-putting to those of us who are comfortable with ourselves and don't HAVE to have someone in our lives to feel complete.

 

After I divorced I had more than ample opportunity to get laid if that's all I wanted. I was also aware that most of the wiling women were about my age (think late 40s to early 50s) and were somewhat desperate to find a man because at those ages there are more of them who are alone than there are available and decent men. There were also younger women who, no doubt, had their own reasons to be interested and willing. Likely that had something to do with my career success.

 

So I'm rambling, right? The bottom line really hasn't changed all that much over the generations. An easy woman might be nice and fun to dally (another archaic term) with but she's not someone you're going to want to bring home to Momma.

[moman]

Heart/Broken & Shachic;

 

You both sound like great girls who I would love to meet. Let me give you a young guys' (28) perspective.

 

I am good looking and often get told I am cute. I dress nicely, I have a very nice apartment, I have two nice cars, I fly airplanes for fun, I teach technology classes around the state, and I do a lot of volunteer work. I have a bachelors degree and am currently in school getting my Masters (economics). I have a lot of very good friends who are smart and funny as well.

 

So what's the problem? I have trouble finding a decent girl who doesn't have serious issues. The last couple girls I have dated had some kind of issues related to ex-boyfriends (couldn't seem to move on), etc. There is no shortage of available gold diggers who look at me and see dollar signs in their eyes.

 

All I want to do is meet a sassy, smart girl who I can spend some time with. A perfect night for me would be going out to dinner, watching some football and have a great talk and hanging out with my friends.

 

I don't want a girl who is easy. Matter of fact, sex is not that important to me and I have been known to date girls for months without even worrying about sex. Too many women try to use it to manipulate guys and I don't want to fall into that trap. If a girl wants to get naked the first night, if she isn't turned down, she has usually ruined any chances of a good relationship with me.

 

I often wonder when it will be my turn to meet someone super special. Everytime I go out I get 3-4 phone numbers easily. My buddies expect me to pick up girls and hook them up with their friends. I can do it but in reality it's all shallow. I want something more.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hello all. I'm turning the big 30 in a couple of days. I haven't had a relationship for about 6 years. I seem to get a guy interested, have a date or two then

 

NOTHING!!!

 

I know all the advice. I understand and practise what everyone instructs, for example if he doesn't call let it go, don't sleep with someone too soon. I've had a couple of prospects but two of them implicitly stated that all they want is sex and nothing more. That's not what I want so I ran screeming the other way.

 

The latest one did everything right, I thought this was it. All happy and excited we eventually slept toghether once and then, and now ...

 

NOTHING ...

 

I feel so used and just gutted today. If all he wanted was to sleep with me why not just say so then at least I could run. Don't get my hopes up, break my heart and leave me stranded in lonelyness. Why can't I find someone that will love me.

 

My longest relationship ever is 5 months. I'm starting to think I suck at this, will I always be alone. I'm I destined to wonder this world solo?

 

Can anyone tell me if they feel the same? Can anyone relate?

 

Will it ever get better?

 

Sorry about the ranting, I feel so alone and hurt today. Thank you all that read this far and that has the ability to give some advice or guiding words. Your input is not only welcome but much appreciated.

 

Sincerely

Heartbroken

 

 

There is something about your vibe that makes the hair on my neck stand up straight. I get the feeling that you have done things similar to reading the many steps listed in "Cosmo" and similar publications instead of relaxing your social self. You don't NEEEEEED to have an agenda for your 30's in order to land a perfectly enjoyable boyfriend.

 

In some ways a woman can just STOP in place, where she is, and let life and male interest seem to catch-up to her. The rigidity in your statements is quite possibly less productive than that.

 

I forgot momentarily that I share many of the same frustrations that you express, but I have higher hopes for you to overcome than I do for myself. Reason number one is that you are a woman! Look around at the women you know and observe that you likely land right in the midst of them in terms of outer appeal. At the very least there are women you know who don't seem as physically attractive as you are, who do indeed have happy relationships.

 

I suspect that you are at the height of your appeal to others when you are partaking in activities you like. What was your greatest passion in school? Go back and take a class or two in that general area and meet like-minded men.

 

Rather than chart and map your first fifteen steps once within the bounds of a relationship, let potential suitors see you when other parts of life seem to be more important than the quest for romance and companionship. That is far more likely to be productive than are the advice given to you in Cosmo and the like.

[shachic]

Ughhh...it just keeps getting worse. Last nite, my cousin's boyfriend proposed to her, and she of course said yes.We're really close..like sisters....altho she's 5yrs younger than me.

So...now...the pressure is on me....and despite the fact that a rather normal individual, my family thinks i'm like this walking lunatic just b/c i'm still single. They think i'm too picky, and i'm constantly being compared to my cousins who are in relationships. This doesn't help me...it just hurts :-(

 

this is not turning out to be a very good holiday season at all for me.

 

Further more.....now my mom is trying to set me up w/ any guy she can think of, just so she can 'get me married off', as they say.

Why don't people understand that marriage is not the solution to life..!!!!!!

 

agghhhhh.