How Do I Let Go?

[Belovely]

After being with my Ex for two years and having doubts about the relationship from the very beginning, things finally came to an end in early June. However, he meant the world to me since he was my first love, so it hasn't been easy. The reasons I had doubts about the relationship is because I really lowered my standards when I began dating him, but thought I shouldn't be ignorant and gave it a chance. It proved to be both a blessing and a hardship.

 

A blessing because with him, I learned what love is. A hardship because I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. He was a charmer and that's how he got me. I never felt so comfortable with someone so quickly. We opened up to each other and in the end all we had was one another. I stopped hanging out with friends, because he would get upset. He wouldn't tell me not to go, but I knew it was something that bothered him, and to avoid the silent treatment or the arguing, I just stopped going.

 

I spent all of my free time with and when I had to do something with my family or something without him, again he would get upset. The first time he broke up with me was because we went out with a couple of friends and we both got a bit wasted. However, he was a bit more than I was and started saying that I was an emabarrassment and that I was looking at other guys, etc. Needless to say, he broke up with me but the following day I called and tried to talk some sense into him and in the end he apologized and everything was fine.

 

I felt as if I couldn't tell him what I was doing or where I was going for fear that he would get upset. Everything had to be his way and if it wasn't, I would be handed the silent treatment. If I asked what was wrong, he would give me that cold attitude, and it felt horrible! The second time we broke up was the final one in June and it was because I went away for the weekend with my Sister. I asked him to go, but he didn't want to and so I went anyway. Well that caused him to say it was best we break up because he didn't have a girlfriend to have her spend time away from him. It hurt and the whole weekend I was in pieces.

 

When I came back he asked I go over to talk to him and I did and that's when he started saying he only said those things out of anger and that he wanted to get back together. When I told him that I couldn't take it anymore and I couldn't get back with him, he cried, begged and pleaded, called me at all hours of the night, and I was really ready to give it another chance, but family kept telling me that the cycle would just continue. He always made me feel guilty for everything that went wrong in the relationship. He had a way with words that even if initially I knew it was his fault, he would twist it so that in the end I thought he was the saint and I was the bad guy.

 

So I didn't talk to him from June to August when I saw him again and he gave me his new #. We began talking and going out, but I didn't want to rush anything because I wanted to see if there was a real change on his part. Then in Septemeber after going to a wedding I began to wonder if there was something going on between my friend and him. When I decided to go visit him a few days later I noticed her car there but when I confronted him he denied.

 

After that, he didn't call me for a few days. When I finally called him he told me we coldn't do this anymore and that it wouldn't work...that i took to long to want to get back with him and he got tired of being lonely and found someone else. It was then that he and the supposed friend made things between them official. A few weeks later they are engaged. Now, I'm doing a lot better than I was initially but I still have my days.

 

What can I possibly do to reassure myself that this happened for the best and that I won't regret my decision of not wanting to get back with him right away. I'm afraid that I was forcing him to change and didn't see all the good in him and now she's going to get him. I'm afraid that I let him go and it's all my fault.

 

I've met someone new who is wonderful, but I'm not sure what I feel for him. I enjoy spending time with and we get along great, but when I think of a relationship I just don't see it. I don't know if it's because I'm not ready for a relationship or if it's because he's not the right one. Anyone know what I should do?

[kyraj516]

hey...2yrs, hunh? i was in a similar situation with my ex only for 9-10 months though. i lowered my standards with him....i mean, it's like...the new chic he's with probably does everything he wants. a relationship should have space in between. he probably didn't have enough of his own thing going on and tried to hold you down. why should you feel guilty...? you opened up and accepted him, he wanted to change you by obviously hindering you from doing things you were accustomed to doing. you lowered your standards and accepted him AS IS, but you've got to be the one feeling guilty? I can understand your feelings though. In my situation my ex was out of work...but i stuck by him and believed in him because he appeared to want to find work and try harder. In the end...tension started building, arguments became more frequent, and now he's going with some older chic who was a customer at his mother's business. We had been seeing each other off and on (hanging out & being intimate) since we broke up in may of '06. i was laid off of my job, he told me about his mom needing help at the business after one of our "rendezvous" and i said why not for extra cash 'til i find something else. (why is he not working there when he doesn't have a job....lazy...but anyway) so the day i went there i discovered he was automatically logged into his email when the computer is turned on...i looked...(of course)...and i saw a pic of him to that customer...he had his tongue sticking out (the pic was titled how many lix) and it said..."my love you are sweeter than honey, just wanted you to know how much i loved you"...when i saw that...i was through. i was sick about it. the thing is...i've been dating other people since we broke up...and hadn't doubted that he may have been...but when i saw him sending "i love you's" to this past customer...i just felt a great amount of grief come over me because it seemed the whole relationship was a lie. She can pay his cell bill, 'cause i refuse to take care of a grown man. I don't have any kids...so no, i'm not bending over backwards and walking on egg shells for some insecure bastard who can't handle a real woman woman who's independent and not willing to kiss his a** just so that she can have a man around. It hurts...but less now. I'll never express a loving feeling towards him. I thought about leaving his mom's business (but I like the extra $$$...obviously I'm ok). He comes up here often...trying to flirt around...i just play it cool. He really disgusts me. (his old chic is a secret, his mom doesn't even know about her) He thinks he's "doin' it" but he ain't doin' squat but running around with empty pockets....also, i'm like if you love that so much...why you up here all of a sudden in my face everytime i turn around. go be with that new OLDER fool you got. It obviously ain't that good. He's mad too I know because we won't be hooking up sexually...not now, not since he's into that h**. i treat him kind like i do any other human being. now i can tell he's sick about it...and i love it. so girlfriend...forget him, don't call him, don't text him, if he calls you don't send it to voicemail just let it go there, if he textes you, delete it. If he leaves a VM...delete it. Men play games...no boys play games. If you've got a real man in your life now, enjoy that and be thankful you had the opportunity to experience what bullsh** smells like so you won't make that mistake again.

 

stay up

 

-kj-

[silentcharon]

Hey. Sorry to hear that you're in a tough spot. I was in your shoes not too long ago. Except that my ex was the one who broke up with me and months later, I found out that he was sort of seeing someone else. This essentially forced me to move on- and I did, I was doing so great. The cruel part of it was that my ex came back and told me he was still in love with me. I took a huge risk taking a step backwards to see if maybe we could still salvage a friendship or a possible reconcilation, as he went from "No!" to "Maybe..."

 

Huge mistake. He told me he ended things with the other girl, and was taking the time to figure out what he wanted. I fell in love with him again, the way I felt when I first met him. Although our contacts were very limited, when we DID see each other, our meetings were often very intense. I knew that he was still hanging out with the other girl, but not sleeping with her or anything. I decided to get together with her one night to straighten things out- and found out that she didn't know he was hanging out with me. Then dropped the bomb on me- he got her pregnant and she had to get an abortion- while going to me and telling me how he still felt towards me. Even though the pregnancy thing had nothing to do with me, I still was hurt and I have no doubt that he would have done the same with me if I was the other girl. I just cut my losses and moved on.

 

He kept telling me he wasn't sure if I had changed for the better- and now that I'm gone- seeing someone new and all that, I've been getting texts from him saying that he was sorry, that he wasn't sure if he regretted waiting it out, like you. The point of this post? Sometimes things happen for a reason- and you need to let him go. I got tired of waiting for my ex, and realized that if he wanted to be with me, he would be. But he wasn't. So I left. That's pretty much what your ex did, from what I understand.

 

He's with someone else now, and you're on your own. You deserve someone better, who is more understanding than your ex, I mean, c'mon, you went for a weekend getaway with your sister and he broke up with you because of that? Lame.

 

Give the new guy a chance, you might surprise yourself. If it's meant to be, it will happen, with him or with someone else. Good luck!

[Belovely]

Thank you both for your encouraging words. I know I'm better off without him and don't deserve someone who is so unstable and irrational. I mean if he could get engaged after seeing someone for only 3 weeks so soon after our breakup, did he ever really love me? I guess that's what hurts the most...the fact that I gave so much to the relationship and everything I thought was real from him, was a lie. And it upsets me that he is able to love this girl so easily. I mean what the hell does she have over me? I hate to think of him telling her I love you and doing what he and I used to do. It pisses me off that I was so easily forgotten and i'm not able to the same with him. It's gotten better everyday, but some days are horrible. Then I have a great guy that comes into my life, and I can't figure out what I want. I don't know if I'm attracted to him or not or if I'm only feeling this way because I don't want to get hurt again and still have my ex in the back of my mind? Then I have this fear that I will never find someone that I will be able to love as much as I loved my ex. I fear that by me not getting back with him when he wanted to will be the biggest mistake of my life. That I'm going to be single forever while he's married.

 

Thanks again for helping out...It is greatly appreciated!

[JCD]

I think he was a controlling person and you should be happy to get rid of him. You might need some time off from dating to get yourself straight again.

[Love Hurts]

He sounds wonderful as well as a major control freak.

 

He would snuff the life out of you. Do you want to play father may I the rest of your life with a man that obviously has low self esteem. He is lacking something in his character big time.

 

True love is not being put in a prison camp, under constant guarding and surveillance. The interrogation: the condemnation of guilt before proving yourself innocence. yak.. yak ..yak…

 

Be reasured he never loved you.........if he did... he would not pull a rebound and get engaged ...how dramatic is that.

I cant believe its true love that he suddenly found.... Its more like to spite you and he is ....using this new girl to hurt you.

 

Thank God you are free and spared from this nonsense and abuse.

The tricky formula to get you under his thumb is love and crush. He will lovingly get you to that pathetic state of being until you wonder how you got there and or no longer resist.

 

You get to a place where he makes all the decisions and even thinks for you. Isn’t that gracious of a man … you don’t have to use your brain. Its referred to as brain- washing………

 

You may even begin to believe its normal and all is well…. NOT…

In the aftermath……….you lost your leader…….part of you feels rendered useless……..because he told you what to wear, what to do, where and when to go, who to and not to hang out with, and what to think and how to react accordingly…………. Now you may feel needy………. The where is my leader syndrome?

 

Give it time girl……….one day you will be your strong willing able self again 100percent! You were not transformed overnight nor will you resolve yourself overnight.

 

Another lowblow is the greatest one of all……….to your ego.

He and your questionable friend are now engaged ….

Neither one of them is worth your time. They deserve each other.

Unless she is the weak, needy type..???

 

There is a great chance they will Not make it for the long distance.

He has a game book plan of action. Everything he pulled on you he will do to her. It’s a process………. plus She took your man. She is a victor to herself…. She sees herself as the better woman. She has what you do not. She’s most likely gloating….

 

In time One day she may wake up and say…..who needs this? Who knows?

For now ………… she did you a favor. You should thank her.

Your strong and wonderful…. And no man on earth has the right to possess your entire being and render you useless accept to obey his every whim…..

 

I’m happy for you… all you need is time………. Allow yourself to grieve………because you did love this man.

Allow yourself to get mad at the fact that you even met him and are now going through this ugly painful aftermath.

Allow yourself to hurt your human and have a heart.

Tell yourself all will be well and eventually you will be well…..One Day At a Time.

 

Time is on your side. It may not feel like it now…. Yet I know first hand………….your tomorrows will be bright and filled with happiness you will see yourself smile and laugh and feel the solidity of your own strength and character through and through.

 

(You’re also very vulnerable rights now........don’t make any rash decisions in the love realm for a while, you need time to heal.)

You may feel alone in the world today… but to someone you are the world.

 

Take Care

[Belovely]

Love Hurts: Your words really struck me and I know you are absolutely right about everything you said. But it's been 3 months and i'm tired of feeling this way. Granted, I don't feel as bad as I did in the beginning, but the pain is still there. I got slapped from both sides, one side from him and the other from her. This was a girl I went out with drinking and stopped going out with because he would get upset, this is the girl I would go on vacation with...what the hell? What did I do to deserve this? Everytime I think about them, I try to block it out with the terrible things he did to me, but I find the good times sneaking in. There were good times...the beginning was wonderful and he was able to sweep me off my feet. But after like the 3-4 month, things were not the same though we still had our good moments.

 

I'm hoping that I'll be able to move on soon, cause I hate feeling stagnent. I know you're right, but I wish the process would speed up for me. I hear about girls that get over their guys in like 1-2 months and I wonder why I can't do the same? Why am I letting this effect me in this way? Why can't I just say "Screw him and her, I don't need them" and believe it and forget about them both?

[bchlvr]

Belovely,

 

The one thing I would add is that you read all you can about the red flags of verbal abuse and the characteristics of naricissitic personality.

 

I think this may help you with some of the confusion you are experiencing and will give you some much needed clarity about what is going on here.

 

You can put "naricissitic personality" on the search icon here on LS. A lot of people have written about it.

 

I know we're not supposed to give the names of books, etc. But since there is no way to private message you and given the situation, I would find material on the web and in the bookstore by Patricia Evans. Her material will enable you to educate yourself on these issues. She is like the guru on verbal and emotional abuse. No nonsense. Also, Julia Sokol writes about this as well. Their material is very helpful for restoring your self confidence and self esteem which has no doubt taken a hit.

 

Be kind and gentle with yourself.

[Guest]

Belovely,

 

There is nothing worse than getting involved with a new guy before you had actually given yourself enough healing time to get over the last one. You are doing both of yourselves aq diservices and something magical that could be happening to both of you will probably never take place even if its there. Until you are healed 100% emotionally, you will never see this new guy for who he is and unfortunately he will end up with quite a broken heart. I know as I have been there recently. At the very least be open with this new guy and let him know of your thought process and where you are in life. Lack of communication will be your downfall.

[Love Hurts]

It’s ok to recall the good times…. In fact it’s healthy…….

You can smile at the wonderful times you had together and be thankful for it.

 

What’s the saying? It’s better to have loved and lost rather than to have never loved at all.

You are the one that loved for real………you are the one that fell in love for real….. It was one sided.

 

I know you must have thanked God for finding Heaven on earth for a time….. you were beaming pure radiance of bliss and all those wonderful attributes that love brings.

 

But……..Never forget the insanity of it……..and what he was capable of doing and what he did do.

You are now and will be forever wiser for this experience.

The good news is………no man will ever be able to buffalo you the way he did again.

 

You will be a checker and watch for those signs in the future.

What does not kill us makes us stronger.

You will grieve long because you loved. Plus you feel cheated and jilted. Your still in that place…… going through your treasure chest; putting all the pieces of the puzzle together. You’re still thinking and during this time………. you’re giving yourself a sense of closure.

 

Once you understand your partner was not right in the head.

……….I like the input on Narcissist – (you need to check it out) -patternized behavior in accordance with what you just came out of.

When you understand why he behaves like he does and realize you are far more valued than to live that life style.

 

You will mend your broken heart. One day at a time.

Until then……..cry, scream all you want, through cotton balls everywhere.

It helps to heal. I believe a good screaming outrage that last an hour. Makes you feel better. Exploding behind closed doors is better than imploding behind closed doors.

 

This may not sound as good to you as the idea of seeing the new girl running away screaming for her life back….

I am connecting with you in your situation because I lived too. .

I was there. It took me a year to heal. Today… I still think of him and dance alone to our favorite songs. But it’s not like it was. (It no longer hurts……. I may ask… Why …did I have go through this one? But oh well I did…so now I only take the good and leave the bad out…..But if he were to call me….Now He knows I am finished.)

 

I am now so strong when he calls and begs for a repeat relationship…………I can say……….. I cried all my tears for you……….I have none left. And more than that……….I do not love you anymore………I can say that now….and smile …with glee. (Takes time……..)

 

Have all the hissy fits you want………….you deserve to loose it and freak out….

You are so much better off now than you were……..your heart has to catch up with your brain.

You are also stronger than you think you are……….OR you would still be doing his bidding and no-toeing to his every whim and desire. Walking on eggshells to keep HIM HAPPY.

 

Come on girl drag yourself to that place of your worth more.

And NO MAN TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO (DICTATING THE MOST INSIGNIFICANT OF THINGS AND BEHAVIOR)…….YOUR GROWN YOUR NOT A CHILD.

 

Like you I walked away………..I knew I was loosing it in his world. Then I lost my leader. Now I am who I was before him. In the end …. I know I loved him with all my heart…….

For real…….. and I never loved until I loved him. Now I know what it is to love….. Big deal ……..it wasn’t real.

I might as well as loved a blow-up doll. I didn’t get true love in return. Daaaaaaa

 

Remind yourself you are too good and too valued in this life to be a hostage -puppet to a man that tells you…. This IS love baby.

Peuk it up and heal.

God Bless and I already know ………you’re well on your way to making it……… Look where you were and look where you are now.

ONE DAY AT A TIME

[Belovely]

You couldn't be more right about me wanting to see their whole relationship fall to the floor in crumbles. I guess that would validate my whole reason for not getting back with him. But, being bitter and resentful is not the answer nor will it help me, so I'm trying to push those vengeful thoughts out of my head. Just a few days ago I heard that they already had their civil marriage, so they are married. Their church ceremony will be in May of 07. I guess this sudden news is what brought about all these emotions. I thought I had them under control but they came rushing back. It's ironic that during the relationship I was always trying to find an excuse to leave and when I finally had it and left, I was miserable and debating whether or not I should go back.

 

What I don't understand is how a person can call you everyday, say I love you everyday allday, buy you whatever you wanted, show care and concern, and then in the end never truly have loved you? Because he call all the time, was always concerned about me, gave me everything I needed, always wanted to be with me, always showed me affection...so how could all that have meant nothing to him? Why would someone act that way if they really didn't love you? Why would they spend 2 yrs in a realtionship and given all that but have not really loved you? I mean what's the point. Personally, I wouldn't be able to say I love a person nor would I be able to give that person my everything if I didn't have strong and real feeling for him. How could be so loving one minute, cold the next, and finally break up with you over something so insignificant? Then why would he want to get back with me if he really didn't love me? Why would he beg, plead, cry, and make a scene? Why would he give up so easily on and get married so quickly when he showed me so much love during the good moments we had? It just baffles me!

[Love Hurts]

He didn’t love you in the first place………that’s how.

I can’t believe he loves the female he married.

He is running on something other than normal behavior.

I know a man that loved a female for thirty years……… and she was not interested in him……… finally thirty days to the day they met they were married.

 

He said I loved you for so long…………..they had a glorious relationship for a short time…….when they walked in they lit up the room with their love… and then he woke one morning and said I don’t know how to love. I can’t keep this face on anymore….. I hate how you leave your tea bag from your tea cup in the Kitchen sink…. He packed his things and he left.

He surprised a lot of people with that stunt.

 

True love does not behave like that. The marriage only lasted sixty days….. After 30 years of loving her and chasing her? Plus he had nothing of his own… he was very poor and she had it all…. Home …. Cash ….etc.

She didn’t need to take him on …. She fell in love in love with him and he didn’t love her….

 

Perhaps in that case it was …want what you can’t have.

Once he had it ……….he didn’t want it.

Who knows……Infatuation or conquest …. I can’t say for certain..

 

 

I know you hurt... I am happy for you have no vengeance..

That is a giant step forward in your healing process….

Just recall you’re not alone out there many before you and many after you will go through something that you have experienced and it’s painful….

The good news is time heals all wounds… hang in there…

 

you’re a survivor

 

God Bless

[upsetnhurt]

Belovely,

 

I sympathize with your troubles in terms of getting over a previous relationship. I think someone might have touched upon this in a previous message yet you failed to answer them. Obviously you have some emotional issues over your previous relationship with your ex that need closure, yet how is it possible that you have moved into another relationship without having dealt with those properly? Is your new relationship a FWB situation or are you hoping for something to develop from it? Have you told your current bf that you are still obsessing over your past? Is he in love with you and is it fair to him to lead him on persay? Just thoughts and if I am offbase I am sorry.

[upsetnhurt]

I am sorry Belovely as when I went back to reread your initial posts it does not seem that you have jumped into any new relationship. I apologize and commend you for going through your issues before jumping into a something new.

[Belovely]

Upsetnhurt- I have not moved on to a new relationship because it is unfair to do so when I'm not completely over my past relationship nor am I ready for a new one. I do have someone in my life that is great, but he is aware of the situation. I have been completely honest with him and have told him everything. It bothers me that I am unable to move on with him, but I haven't lied to him in any way. He has decided to stick around because he wants to, not because I am leading him on. Although I enjoy spending time with him, feel comfortable with him, I'm not sure what I feel for him...if it's merely friendship or possibly more. I guess the reason I don't know yet is because I haven't healed completely from my ex. I refuse to jump into something new without dealing with the issues I have going on right now. I'm at a better place now, but that is still not good enough for me. I wake up everyday feeling better, don't think about him as often, and truly believe I am better off. I'm just trying to get my heart to the same place that my mind is at...that is the difficult part!