JamesM Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 I still am unable to call it love when they say the love their W's, especially when he does everything in his power to stay away from her....he works nights so that he doesn't have to see her....he worked 2 full-time jobs and worked weekends to stay away....I just don't get it. It is escapism. It is not wanting to face the conflicts at home. He may still love his wife, but she is either sad, mad, or depressed. He cannot or doesn't know how to deal with it. So, when a beautiful woman (you) comes along who shows him attention and who doesn't appear complicated or make demands (no offense meant to you), he goes for it. This becomes part of his escape. Does he not love his wife? No, he loves her even if he is angry or confused by how she is. Does he love the fantasy woman? In a way, yes, but if asked: "If your wife acted like this fantasy woman and showed you love, whom would you choose?" 99% of the time, men say "the wife." It is not his wife he has a problem with...it is how she is currently acting or not acting. ..how can one cheat on someone they say they love? There are alot of reasons, but anger and desperation are near the top of the list. In those cases, he or she can still love their partner, but it has been clouded by temporary lust. I will use myself as an example. Our sex life is "slow" for lack of a nicer word. If a beautiful woman presented herself to me as a fulfillment of that hunger, then although my love for my wife is strong, I could easily consider such a proposal. This doesn't mean any love for the woman is there...it means I am vulnerable in that area. But that is where commitment needs to step in. So, I quickly take a cold shower and become rational again. Men seem to be able to compartmentalize fantasy and sex apart from love at times, yet interestingly, this is the main way that they feel love from a woman. This is not good that they do it, but unfortunately they do. That is how they can cheat yet still love their wives.
Author Meaplus3 Posted December 28, 2006 Author Posted December 28, 2006 Having gone through most of your threads...to get caught up on your life ...here is an opinion from a guy. The one thing I noticed in your posts is that you seem to miss the point that IMHO he did not really love you. He loves your attention. He loves the feel of your body. And yes, he loves the rush of you loving him. I know there was no sex, but he can get alot of sexual feeling from...well, feeling. Kissing and touching goes a long ways. I don't want this to hurt, but I am willing to guess that he and his wife had some sex after many of your visits with him. I find it amazing how I can get caught up in someone's life by reading, and then I start caring what happens to them. I am afraid, as I know you know in your mind but not in your heart, that he is not in love but in lust. And fortunately for you, he has not let that part take over his mind. Stick with th NC always. He will always say that you started the whole thing by approaching him. He will always say that as long as no sex occurred, there was no affair, because he is not emotionally involved. Yes, men think like this many, many times. WOW James where have you been for the last year! Thanks for the advice, you have explained so much to me so very well. And yes in between our meeting's I am sure he's been getting it on with the W and yeah, fine by me. Jame.s it just seemed to me like he was bored with her. after all I know the woman and she is a snooze! I have noticed they are kind of like pals, buds. No spark between them what so ever.So that's why I wonder and always will why he want's her. AP
pureinheart Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 Hey James, Yes, escapism....soooo true....would you consider this love a lower level form of love? Ex-MM told me right after he got M, I'm talking a couple of days, was back out on the streets cheating, now granted this is an addiction. He told me he was so torn and loved both of us....now this is the thing that got me.... After 3+ mo of NC, almost everyday calling and emailing 30+ times....finally I got sick of it and wrote him an email telling him to leave me alone....then all of a sudden his family comes after me ....he says he left the pc on with the email up accidentally....now I know this guy (or I think I do anyway) and he is way too maticulous to be that careless.... Why did he want to get caught? To create kaos? To get back at me? He knows how his family is....
November-Rain Posted December 28, 2006 Posted December 28, 2006 It becomes how the MM define love. To many men the idea of a conquest and sex becomes all supreme. When men seem to have their life revolve around the other woman, it is simply because he has a goal...maybe it is sex, maybe it is the feeling of being loved, or maybe it is an expression of what makes him feel young again...but even though he may say it is love, it is not. Some men have a crazy idea of what love is. Their wife IS actually their true love, but unfortunately, they don't realize that by pursuing an affair with someone disproves it. To them a mistress is that...a secret life. Yes, they love her in a certain way, but not in the sense that they would leave their wife? Why? Because when it comes down to it, a mistress can be left. A wife is the anchor of their life. When they are sick or depressed (not wife related), most return to the wife. Especially when the men are in their 40s. I am there. The idea of a new love like back in my twenties has great appeal. The feeling of moonlit nights and backseat sex can now be translated into romantic dinners and quickies at a motel. And yes, I know I could get caught up in the thrill of it. The clandestine life of secrecy is fascinating. I am not sure women realize how a man enjoys this kind of thrill. Planning how to keep the affair a secret. Knowing that you have a life that makes you feel young again. All of these ideas bring back a new zest to life. And when I have anger against my wife, this would be a passive way to express it. But why don't most MM leave their wives? because the realization that fantasies die. Eventually, it strikes them that this woman that is their mistress is still a person who has feelings and does have anger and emotions. She has morning breath and PMS. And then she suddenly no longer wants the "thrill" of this fantasy. She wants to make this relationship more than a high school romance. She wants a longterm commitment. Then he needs to make a choice. And he realizes that he had it pretty good. When it comes down to apples to apples...whom would he rather see every day when he comes home from work? Who would be a better cook or mother to his children? And above all, with whom would he rather grow old? Unfortunately to most OW, he chooses the wife. JamesM So sad, but true. You are one of the few that has accurately described the outcome of the majority of affairs. Thanks, for the reality check. Although nothing physical has happened, I have been involved in a somewhat emotional affair comes and goes for periods of time. The guy is what some of you have described as a cakeman.
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