Do most men think this way and if so why? or Why not?

[Meaplus3]

I am really not asking for anyone to bash me here by starting this thread but my question is this? So your the other man in an affair. Does not matter if your having an "A" with a single lady or MW. The affair comes to an end. The man get's to use the excuse that he was simply attracted to you cause he's a man" He was addicted to the rush of adrenaline you the OW provided him even though they did not actually do it? Is this really true and if so why???

 

AP

[oyster]

kind of confuse here.

 

I am really not asking for anyone to bash me here by starting this thread but my question is this? So your the other man in an affair.

so far so good, I am the OM in an affair.

 

Does not matter if your having an "A" with a single lady or MW. The affair comes to an end.

Me having affair with MW, might soon come to an end.

 

The man get's to use the excuse that he was simply attracted to you cause he's a man"

True, for me I was attracted because of compatibility, chemistry and confort level. The attached part was a minor detail when we first started (that is what I thought)

 

He was addicted to the rush of adrenaline you the OW provided him even though they did not actually do it? Is this really true and if so why???

AP

 

now this part lost me."they did not actually do it?"

[Meaplus3]

kind of confuse here.

 

 

so far so good, I am the OM in an affair.

 

 

Me having affair with MW, might soon come to an end.

 

 

True, for me I was attracted because of compatibility, chemistry and confort level. The attached part was a minor detail when we first started (that is what I thought)

 

 

 

now this part lost me."they did not actually do it?"

 

Hey oyster, I am referring to my A and no we did not have sex. There was some touching, lot's of hugging but NO sex. So how could he have become addicted to the adrenaline rush, thought that came from the sex part? I have know idea why I care, I guess I am just curious?

 

AP

[oyster]

Hey oyster, I am referring to my A and no we did not have sex. There was some touching, lot's of hugging but NO sex. So how could he have become addicted to the adrenaline rush, thought that came from the sex part? I have know idea why I care, I guess I am just curious?

 

AP

 

then we kind of had similar experience, we stopped havign sex for 3 months, for me I can wait.

 

We kiss, touch, hug a lot, I was passionate about her and saw a future that is why I stuck around and kept on waiting.

 

It is about controling your physical needs is easier than controlling your emotionnal needs.

[norajane]

He was likely addicted to the adrenaline rush of someone else paying attention to him and admiring him and finding him attractive.

[Meaplus3]

then we kind of had similar experience, we stopped havign sex for 3 months, for me I can wait.

 

We kiss, touch, hug a lot, I was passionate about her and saw a future that is why I stuck around and kept on waiting.

 

It is about controling your physical needs is easier than controlling your emotionnal needs.

 

Oyster, That makes alot of sense. I never did kiss him on the lips, he said he woulld have loved to a few times but he felt it was to emotional. I would kiss him on the check and his chest. I know he felt passionate about me cause he said there was so much passion between us. Just so wondering why, why did he keep coming back if he had the ***** to tell me straight to my face that he loves his wife? I know that I know the answer here just so difficult to accept.

 

AP

[Meaplus3]

He was likely addicted to the adrenaline rush of someone else paying attention to him and admiring him and finding him attractive.

 

Good point. I know he loves to be admired by woman.

 

AP

[oyster]

Oyster, That makes alot of sense. I never did kiss him on the lips, he said he woulld have loved to a few times but he felt it was to emotional. I would kiss him on the check and his chest. I know he felt passionate about me cause he said there was so much passion between us. Just so wondering why, why did he keep coming back if he had the ***** to tell me straight to my face that he loves his wife? I know that I know the answer here just so difficult to accept.

 

AP

 

AP, you and me are like a handicap walking cane for the (MM/MW). They need to control their physical needs because it is easier. We fullfil a need that the (MM/MW) is not.

 

We make it possible for them to survive and stay married.

 

He doesn't really love his wife, he loves the confort of knowing the history they have together (versus the unknown with the OM/OW). If he really loved his marriage, he would be communicating with her.

 

His wife is probably not a good listener.

 

Side note, as a man, I can control my physical. Even when she tries to make me hard and tries to get intimate again, I stay soft and remind her the agreement we have.

[Meaplus3]

AP, you and me are like a handicap walking cane for the (MM/MW). They need to control their physical needs because it is easier. We fullfil a need that the (MM/MW) is not.

 

We make it possible for them to survive and stay married.

 

He doesn't really love his wife, he loves the confort of knowing the history they have together (versus the unknown with the OM/OW). If he really loved his marriage, he would be communicating with her.

 

His wife is probably not a good listener.

 

Side note, as a man, I can control my physical. Even when she tries to make me hard and tries to get intimate again, I stay soft and remind her the agreement we have.

 

Well oyster it sound's like you are right. For we are mere set of crutches for the MM/MW. I think you are right about the fact that he probably does not love his wife, at least like the way he should. He did say to me one time when we were talking about leaving spouses that he has a history with her, that seemed to be more important. What I am trying to say here is the "History" part seemed more important then HER. Also, the last time he saw me dressed up in a teddy 1 week ago today, (after the big blow up) his comment to me was "oh your not that great" while at the time when we were hugging and I was in my teddy he was ready to rock and roll if you know what I mean. He needed to be back in control here by telling me I was no prize. Now he know's he will never have me cause the whole affair has been exposed. Funny how his thoughts quickly changed.

 

AP

 

AP

[frannie]

... the last time he saw me dressed up in a teddy 1 week ago today, (after the big blow up) his comment to me was "oh your not that great" while at the time when we were hugging and I was in my teddy he was ready to rock and roll if you know what I mean. He needed to be back in control here by telling me I was no prize.

 

Oh, any man who makes derogatory comments like that to a woman has a whole load of issues you don't need in your life. From the little bit you've said on recent threads about him, he sounds awful. And you have it right about what he's doing... rejecting you in a disgraceful way that's meant to make him feel better and you feel like sh*t.

 

And it does hurt when you listened to his other words, which were meant to make you feel great and keep coming back for more attention. He built something up, and now he's tearing it down. What a great man.

 

Regarding your question about adrenalin rushes and not having had sex. If I think back in my life to the most exciting bits about relationships, the bits that made me dizzy and smiley and all woooozy... well, they were years ago (*creak*), but I remember that they were before the relationship had really started, in the bit when you're not sure whether the person really liked you or not, and there were signs... and it was all surreal and exhilerating!

 

Of course, a few 'failed' (not to say disastrous in some cases )relationships later and it's never quite the same again... but I would imagine lots of people still get those feelings.. all the adrenalin really pre-dates the real meat of the relationship (no pun intended )

[Guest IA]

You get used to what you have. After 5, 10, + years of marriage it's all you know. You forget that it doesn't have to be like that. Forget about why you married that person in the first place. They call it "history". They can't leave because the image that they have built as a loving couple would be upset and people would see behind the curtain. What the OW/OM provides is what has left the marriage. Communication, someone to tell them they aren't a bad person, acceptance and in my case extreme intimacy, honesty and trust. But that "history" holds them tight in their comfortable misery.

[Meaplus3]

You get used to what you have. After 5, 10, + years of marriage it's all you know. You forget that it doesn't have to be like that. Forget about why you married that person in the first place. They call it "history". They can't leave because the image that they have built as a loving couple would be upset and people would see behind the curtain. What the OW/OM provides is what has left the marriage. Communication, someone to tell them they aren't a bad person, acceptance and in my case extreme intimacy, honesty and trust. But that "history" holds them tight in their comfortable misery.

 

This is very well said. Do you think that MM really could lie to my face and say he loves his wife if he really does not?

[oyster]

This is very well said. Do you think that MM really could lie to my face and say he loves his wife if he really does not?

 

this whole thing (affair, OW/OM) is a big fat lie.

Everyone lies to avoid hurting the other person.

 

OW/OM lie to themself about "hope of a future" with the the married person.

 

The guess quote nails it too.Misery in their fantasy history.

[bonehead]

You get used to what you have. After 5, 10, + years of marriage it's all you know. You forget that it doesn't have to be like that. Forget about why you married that person in the first place. They call it "history".

 

Exactly!!!!

 

And people really do not like huge changes in their lives. It upsets the normal balance. It doesnt matter if the change is for the better.

[Meaplus3]

Exactly!!!!

 

And people really do not like huge changes in their lives. It upsets the normal balance. It doesnt matter if the change is for the better.

 

You guy's are both right on here! I know even if MM said he would leave for me and I for him it would be a major upset and would be very hard to do. I know I am very comfortable in my home and very used to my way of life. Think that change spells FEAR.

 

AP

[bonehead]

You guy's are both right on here! I know even if MM said he would leave for me and I for him it would be a major upset and would be very hard to do. I know I am very comfortable in my home and very used to my way of life. Think that change spells FEAR.

 

AP

 

 

So are you sure you even want him to leave for you?

[Meaplus3]

So are you sure you even want him to leave for you?

 

Not really anymore! I would like to work thing's out with H, see how it goes.

 

AP

[bonehead]

Whats it going to take?

[Guest Ia]

The A with the OM/OW is pure fantasy in the beginning. You rationlize all of the doubts and the other person's faults away very easily. But there in the back of your head you are wondering what it will really be like if you and the OW/OM end up together. What will you do if he does say I'm leaving my wife and I'll see you on the other side? Run for the hills? Reality hits right between the eyes.

 

Can I really spend the rest of my life with this person? Does he always put the toilet seat down and help with the dishes? You dress for the job you want not the one you have.

 

My OW is still in her marriage with me being D for 1 year. I still love her dearly but wonder if making the decision to leave is this tough for her that someday if we do end up together she will have regrets. I don't want regrets, I have enough of my own. I think they need to make the decision to leave on their own without outside influence from OW/OM. Easier said then done. I push every day without even thinking about it. The holidays are tough enough for her without my hot breathe on her neck. Kinda got off track; sorry.

[Meaplus3]

The A with the OM/OW is pure fantasy in the beginning. You rationlize all of the doubts and the other person's faults away very easily. But there in the back of your head you are wondering what it will really be like if you and the OW/OM end up together. What will you do if he does say I'm leaving my wife and I'll see you on the other side? Run for the hills? Reality hits right between the eyes.

 

Can I really spend the rest of my life with this person? Does he always put the toilet seat down and help with the dishes? You dress for the job you want not the one you have.

 

My OW is still in her marriage with me being D for 1 year. I still love her dearly but wonder if making the decision to leave is this tough for her that someday if we do end up together she will have regrets. I don't want regrets, I have enough of my own. I think they need to make the decision to leave on their own without outside influence from OW/OM. Easier said then done. I push every day without even thinking about it. The holidays are tough enough for her without my hot breathe on her neck. Kinda got off track; sorry.

 

Guest,

 

I like what you said here, it all makes perfect sense. I know I thought alot about if I could put up with his habit's and the thing's I have no clue of and I felt I could because I feel so much compatibility with him. However on the flip side of this, he is very attractive and get's plenty of attention from woman. Could I live with this for the rest of my life,? No I would always worry that he was betraying me. I mean if he can cheat on his wife with me, then left her for me, who's to say I would ever be enough for him. Even with that said it still does not mean that I don't miss him and fantasize about him even though I shouldn't. I fell for you. Stay strong.

 

AP

[JamesM]

Having gone through most of your threads...to get caught up on your life ...here is an opinion from a guy.

 

The one thing I noticed in your posts is that you seem to miss the point that IMHO he did not really love you. He loves your attention. He loves the feel of your body. And yes, he loves the rush of you loving him. I know there was no sex, but he can get alot of sexual feeling from...well, feeling. Kissing and touching goes a long ways. I don't want this to hurt, but I am willing to guess that he and his wife had some sex after many of your visits with him.

 

I find it amazing how I can get caught up in someone's life by reading, and then I start caring what happens to them. I am afraid, as I know you know in your mind but not in your heart, that he is not in love but in lust. And fortunately for you, he has not let that part take over his mind. Stick with th NC always. He will always say that you started the whole thing by approaching him. He will always say that as long as no sex occurred, there was no affair, because he is not emotionally involved.

 

Yes, men think like this many, many times.

[pureinheart]

This is very well said. Do you think that MM really could lie to my face and say he loves his wife if he really does not?

 

I think so....ex-MM told me he "loved" his W...(not being sarcastic towards you AP, it's towards ex-MM) I mean get real....ex-MM manipulated his entire life around me....stayed out of work for 2 yrs trying to work where I was... not working gave him more free time to track me also...when I started back to work this last July is actually when NC was beginning....ex-MM was over at my house every chance he got. He fixed everything in sight at my house, just for an excuse to come over.

 

That last paragraph could have gone on and on concerning his desire to get to me...with that I don't believe it when they say they love their W's....LOVE doesnot spend that kind of time and energy on someone else.

[JamesM]

I think so....ex-MM told me he "loved" his W...(not being sarcastic towards you AP, it's towards ex-MM) I mean get real....ex-MM manipulated his entire life around me....stayed out of work for 2 yrs trying to work where I was... not working gave him more free time to track me also...when I started back to work this last July is actually when NC was beginning....ex-MM was over at my house every chance he got. He fixed everything in sight at my house, just for an excuse to come over.

 

That last paragraph could have gone on and on concerning his desire to get to me...with that I don't believe it when they say they love their W's....LOVE does not spend that kind of time and energy on someone else.

 

 

It becomes how the MM define love. To many men the idea of a conquest and sex becomes all supreme. When men seem to have their life revolve around the other woman, it is simply because he has a goal...maybe it is sex, maybe it is the feeling of being loved, or maybe it is an expression of what makes him feel young again...but even though he may say it is love, it is not. Some men have a crazy idea of what love is. Their wife IS actually their true love, but unfortunately, they don't realize that by pursuing an affair with someone disproves it. To them a mistress is that...a secret life. Yes, they love her in a certain way, but not in the sense that they would leave their wife? Why? Because when it comes down to it, a mistress can be left. A wife is the anchor of their life. When they are sick or depressed (not wife related), most return to the wife. Especially when the men are in their 40s. I am there. The idea of a new love like back in my twenties has great appeal. The feeling of moonlit nights and backseat sex can now be translated into romantic dinners and quickies at a motel. And yes, I know I could get caught up in the thrill of it. The clandestine life of secrecy is fascinating. I am not sure women realize how a man enjoys this kind of thrill. Planning how to keep the affair a secret. Knowing that you have a life that makes you feel young again. All of these ideas bring back a new zest to life. And when I have anger against my wife, this would be a passive way to express it.

 

But why don't most MM leave their wives? because the realization that fantasies die. Eventually, it strikes them that this woman that is their mistress is still a person who has feelings and does have anger and emotions. She has morning breath and PMS.

 

And then she suddenly no longer wants the "thrill" of this fantasy. She wants to make this relationship more than a high school romance. She wants a longterm commitment. Then he needs to make a choice. And he realizes that he had it pretty good. When it comes down to apples to apples...whom would he rather see every day when he comes home from work? Who would be a better cook or mother to his children? And above all, with whom would he rather grow old?

 

Unfortunately to most OW, he chooses the wife.

[pureinheart]

You get used to what you have. After 5, 10, + years of marriage it's all you know. You forget that it doesn't have to be like that. Forget about why you married that person in the first place. They call it "history". They can't leave because the image that they have built as a loving couple would be upset and people would see behind the curtain. What the OW/OM provides is what has left the marriage. Communication, someone to tell them they aren't a bad person, acceptance and in my case extreme intimacy, honesty and trust. But that "history" holds them tight in their comfortable misery.

 

Yep, you said it all right there....ex-MM didn't want to be the bad guy to family and friends....his W, everytime she caught him would tell the world what an as* he was, this is how she manipulated him.

 

Ex-MM did not like change, he is very comfotable with his "stuff" right where it's at....

 

None of this made much sense to me....with all of the abuse he was experiencing at home (he was giving out abuse also)...the M was bad from day 1, I thought why would a person choose this type of thing.

 

I wanted to see him free from all of that crap....but he did not want to be free....it is a known fact that many who have been incarcerated for considerable amounts of time find ways to get "back in"....they can't handle it on the outside...this is not much different.

 

NC was essential in my situation, I was enabling him to remain in abuse and be abusive in return...this was very unhealthy for me....it was anything but "love".

[pureinheart]

It becomes how the MM define love. To many men the idea of a conquest and sex becomes all supreme. When men seem to have their life revolve around the other woman, it is simply because he has a goal...maybe it is sex, maybe it is the feeling of being loved, or maybe it is an expression of what makes him feel young again...but even though he may say it is love, it is not. Some men have a crazy idea of what love is. Their wife IS actually their true love, but unfortunately, they don't realize that by pursuing an affair with someone disproves it. To them a mistress is that...a secret life. Yes, they love her in a certain way, but not in the sense that they would leave their wife? Why? Because when it comes down to it, a mistress can be left. A wife is the anchor of their life. When they are sick or depressed (not wife related), most return to the wife. Especially when the men are in their 40s. I am there. The idea of a new love like back in my twenties has great appeal. The feeling of moonlit nights and backseat sex can now be translated into romantic dinners and quickies at a motel. And yes, I know I could get caught up in the thrill of it. The clandestine life of secrecy is fascinating. I am not sure women realize how a man enjoys this kind of thrill. Planning how to keep the affair a secret. Knowing that you have a life that makes you feel young again. All of these ideas bring back a new zest to life. And when I have anger against my wife, this would be a passive way to express it.

 

But why don't most MM leave their wives? because the realization that fantasies die. Eventually, it strikes them that this woman that is their mistress is still a person who has feelings and does have anger and emotions. She has morning breath and PMS.

 

And then she suddenly no longer wants the "thrill" of this fantasy. She wants to make this relationship more than a high school romance. She wants a longterm commitment. Then he needs to make a choice. And he realizes that he had it pretty good. When it comes down to apples to apples...whom would he rather see every day when he comes home from work? Who would be a better cook or mother to his children? And above all, with whom would he rather grow old?

 

Unfortunately to most OW, he chooses the wife.

 

Hey James...you are soooo on the money with this...this was an emotional attachment, there was some kissing and hugging, but that was it.

 

Yes it was the thrill of it all, the hiding, the lying....but it turned out to be much more than thrill, it became a need. When the A became apparent to people at work...NOBODY could understand it, they all asked, "what did I see in him" ....he was very awkward socially, but as far as the job, I've never seen anybody as intelligent (that is what I fell for).

 

I still am unable to call it love when they say the love their W's, especially when he does everything in his power to stay away from her....he works nights so that he doesn't have to see her....he worked 2 full-time jobs and worked weekends to stay away....I just don't get it.

 

Calling it love in any definition is just hard for me to see. I am not saying you are wrong...I possibly have a block there or something, and lack understanding...how can one cheat on someone they say they love?