Sonitas Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 The other night my daughter had a nightmare that I was going to find a new boyfriend and leave her forever! :( I don't think I was completely shocked from this statement, I had taken the time to read effects of seperation on children and learned that they can feel the fear of abandonement, but perhaps I thought that my re-assurance of love and support would prevent such feelings. When my children come to stay with me they are sometimes upset at bedtime, missing their "home" and their father of course. I try to re-assure them, encourage them to call their dad whenever they want, when they miss him or just want to say hello. My son told me he was scared to tell me that he would rather be at our old house because he did not want to upset me. :( This trial seperation is stirring emotions I never expected. I feel like I am failing as a parent, how could I possibly be putting my feelings before my own childrens!!?? What is wrong with me!? My husband worries that I have a "chemical imbalance" ? Has anyone else gone through a seperation with young children (8 & 10)that can offer some good solid advice or words of wisdom? I am scared I am not helping my children enough. I mentioned to my husband that perhaps we offer to the kids that they can talk to the councillor at school if they would like...he immediately was upset and said no. We don't have another scheduled appointment with our councillor until January 30 and I just don't know where to turn for advice.
Gunny376 Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 The most in depth study on the effects of divorce on children is the result of s 20 year study conducted in California, and available to you in a book titled. "Second Chances" by Wallerstein and Blankley, (Sorry I can't give you ISBN, as I'm in the middle of move). In it, it was found that the effects of divorce on children can and does carry over into their 20's, 30's and even 40's. That is to say it can be and often is a life alteranting event in their lives.
tonyp56 Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 The only thing you can do is love them and tell them often, and never talk bad about your ex--he should do the same, but if he don't there is nothing you can do about that, you should still do your part. My ex-wife left me (9-08-05), and she has the kids the majority of the time (I have them 122+ nights a year, I say + because I have them more than ordered) And usually when they come here, they are happy to see me, but my youngest (2 year old) wakes up crying sometimes, and comes to find me, and wants me to hold him. Anyways, they've (they are 7, 3, and 2) said stuff like "I hate mommy, I dont' want to go to mommies, ..." to which I reply yes you do, and don't talk bad about your mommy. Even though I have to stop myself from smilling, I know that their mother will always be their mom, and I shouldn't talk bad about her, just like I hope she don't talk bad about me. Additionally, I believe that when they say stuff like that, they are looking for guidence, (i.e. should I hate my mommy, should I not want to go to her house, etc.) and I feel it is my responsibility to guide them the best I can, part of that is swallowing my pride and providing stability, i.e. I should never talk bad about her, and shouldn't let them talk bad about her. That I feel helps them know that they can love both of us, and that both of us love them. So yes, kids go through hell, they will kick and scream, they will say they hate you or your husband, and they will cry. The question you've got to ask is, are they better off with you two apart, or together? If they are better off with you two staying married, then maybe you should work on the marriage. If not, then let the marriage go, and move on so you can be a better mom and he can be a better dad. However, don't feel like you are horrible mom, if you were, you wouldn't be worried about them. Instead, use this, if you know that it is hard on your kids, then you will be able to divorce in peace, the best possible thing you can do in this situation, if it comes to that. I had to swallow so much when my wife and I divorced, some people thought I bent over backwards for her, but I did it all for my kids. I figured, it would be better to go through a quick, easy as possible, and with the least amount of fighting divorce, than to fight about everything and drag it out for months, fighting so much that the kids get dragged in the middle divorce. Good luck, and I'm sorry you have to go through this, it will change your life too. You will question yourself, you will question the relationship, you will question if you will ever find anyone else to love, etc... But remember, it is all about your kids, if you can keep your focus on them, the rest will fall into place. Not to say you shouldn't seek counseling or anything, it is just your kids can really give you strength when they are what you focus your love and attention on. Think about it, if you love them, you will want to be a better parent, you will want to work harder to support them, and you will want to heal from the pain that you are going through, so you can be even better.
Author Sonitas Posted December 19, 2006 Author Posted December 19, 2006 The only thing you can do is love them and tell them often, and never talk bad about your ex--he should do the same, but if he don't there is nothing you can do about that, you should still do your part. My ex-wife left me (9-08-05), and she has the kids the majority of the time (I have them 122+ nights a year, I say + because I have them more than ordered) And usually when they come here, they are happy to see me, but my youngest (2 year old) wakes up crying sometimes, and comes to find me, and wants me to hold him. Anyways, they've (they are 7, 3, and 2) said stuff like "I hate mommy, I dont' want to go to mommies, ..." to which I reply yes you do, and don't talk bad about your mommy. Even though I have to stop myself from smilling, I know that their mother will always be their mom, and I shouldn't talk bad about her, just like I hope she don't talk bad about me. Additionally, I believe that when they say stuff like that, they are looking for guidence, (i.e. should I hate my mommy, should I not want to go to her house, etc.) and I feel it is my responsibility to guide them the best I can, part of that is swallowing my pride and providing stability, i.e. I should never talk bad about her, and shouldn't let them talk bad about her. That I feel helps them know that they can love both of us, and that both of us love them. So yes, kids go through hell, they will kick and scream, they will say they hate you or your husband, and they will cry. The question you've got to ask is, are they better off with you two apart, or together? If they are better off with you two staying married, then maybe you should work on the marriage. If not, then let the marriage go, and move on so you can be a better mom and he can be a better dad. However, don't feel like you are horrible mom, if you were, you wouldn't be worried about them. Instead, use this, if you know that it is hard on your kids, then you will be able to divorce in peace, the best possible thing you can do in this situation, if it comes to that. I had to swallow so much when my wife and I divorced, some people thought I bent over backwards for her, but I did it all for my kids. I figured, it would be better to go through a quick, easy as possible, and with the least amount of fighting divorce, than to fight about everything and drag it out for months, fighting so much that the kids get dragged in the middle divorce. Good luck, and I'm sorry you have to go through this, it will change your life too. You will question yourself, you will question the relationship, you will question if you will ever find anyone else to love, etc... But remember, it is all about your kids, if you can keep your focus on them, the rest will fall into place. Not to say you shouldn't seek counseling or anything, it is just your kids can really give you strength when they are what you focus your love and attention on. Think about it, if you love them, you will want to be a better parent, you will want to work harder to support them, and you will want to heal from the pain that you are going through, so you can be even better. Thank you Tony. I don't know what I would do if my children said that they hated me or my husband for that matter....no one deserves that. Nor would I ever encourage them to disrespect or not want them to spend time with their father. I am trying my best to re-assure them, confort them and give them as much love as I can. When they are with me I try to spend quality time with them. I know they are kids and they are missing the things like TV & video games (which I don't have but Dad does), my daughter said that she wished that she had a remote control like the movie "Click" so she could rewind or fastforward through this. I know they wouldn't understand even if I tried to explain my emotions to them, nor should they be burdened with Adult problems. When they are with me, we laugh & share, go for walks & play board games. I guess that is all I can do for them, is be there, be their mom and try to give them guidance. I can't expect this transition (If we permanently seperate) to go smoothly, their will be bumps in the road and I guess I will just have to put my best foot foward.
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