Cinnesyn Posted December 29, 2006 Posted December 29, 2006 The events of the past few days are making me change my mind about my fiance. He was unable to go to my brother-in-law's wake due to work but went with me to the funeral and was very supportive to my family and me. He also went with me to my medical thing and was super. After we got home from the funeral, he babied me and took care of me. We did have a talk about how I'm finding it very hard to forget what he did. Honestly, what he did wasn't all that bad. I definitely have blown it out of proportion but I still feel it was cheating - it just wasn't physical cheating. He tells me he stopped when he realized it was wrong and tells me if I need him to get rid of his computer, he will, no questions asked. Of course, me and my suspicious mind think "if he doesn't even trust himself on his computer and has to get rid of it to remove temptation, then we really have a problem..." I am seriously considering seeking counseling for myself. I really want to believe him but I dread trusting him and then finding out later he just figured out a different way to pull the wool over my eyes. But.. I will still watch his internet activities and have been looking at phone recording devices. Part of me thinks that maybe his relationships have moved beyond the internet stage and into the phone call or meeting stages and that's why he's willing to get rid of his computer. I will still keep money matters separate and haven't given him back his ring (we were wearing them even though we aren't officially married.) It will probably take a long time for me to trust him again. I just hope he doesn't screw it up again or it's over. Do you guys think I'm nuts or what?
Author ForVirg Posted December 29, 2006 Author Posted December 29, 2006 Well, Cinnesyn, if YOU are nuts, then so am I. It sounds like you and I are in very similar situations. My WS is also not technically a spouse though we're probably common-law at this point; and mine also did an internet thing with no physical contact. However, I truly believe that mine would NOT have stopped without my catching him, and he would have progressed to physical real life meeting. Mine was already having phone calls -- big honkin' long calls. I feel so damned STUPID for not noticing those because I pay the stupid cell bills!! Mine also offered to toss his computer, and I had the EXACT same thought as you. Now...all that having been said, I want the thoughts of others on your feeling like you've blown it out of proportion. Maybe, in your case, you have because your guy voluntarily stopped. But I (at least so far) do NOT think I'm blowing this out of proportion. It was an AFFAIR, clear and simple. In the stacks of books and articles I've been reading, one of the things that all these psychiatrists and psychologists point out is that the AFFAIR -- the part that damages the relationships -- is not so much in the physical. It's in the betrayal of implied trust and the implied "no secrets" bond. I don't want to minimize the pain that must exist when someone's WS has had a full blown PA, but honestly, I think I'm struggling with an equally damaging event. In fact, I have told him, and I KNOW in my heart that if this had been a PA I wouldn't be here. I would NOT give him the opportunity to reconcile in that situation, because he had held himself out to me to be everything opposite of a man that would DO that. So please don't be so hard on yourself right now. Remember, he is the one that betrayed your trust, not the other way around. It sounds like he's making honest attempts at R, which is very good. But I personally don't think you're nuts for being uncertain. I sure am. And I don't know how long it will be that I am this uncertain of him. We have GOOD reason to be uncertain! (((Cinnesyn)))
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