sadieb Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Thanks to everyone for all your help and advice just thought that I would keep everyone informed whats happening now. So I am really not doing so well. MM was at my house on Sat day and I told him that I am doing my head in waiting for January to come around and what are the plans? Before this his chat has always been that we need to get everything in order so its the least pain for his family and us etc. So conversation ended up that every time he thinks about it he can deal with everything finances, new house, the businesses etc but he cant get over how much he is going to hurt them. His fear is that it will take his wife 5 years to get over this and then she is 55 alone and then that his daughter will hate him forwever. He doesnt know how he can live with doing that to them. On the other side I am the best thing that has ever happened to him he never thought he would have love like this and the possibility of living without me would tear his heart out. Nothing new but I said I needed less talk more action its not fair on me that we dont have a legitimate relationship and he needs to decide. So this all wound up in him saying he dosent think he can do it to them he cant get his head round leaving in January. So that was it, I said hes made his decision and it is the wrong one if he claims to be so much in love with me. I have had a horrible weekend cant stop the tears my whole body aches i feel sick i cant eat basically the lowest I have ever been. I am a mess. In the meantime he has been txting and calling saying his head is a mess and he loves me and he cant not see me etc hes too sad and painful. I replied to him and we have been talking but I said he needs to fix this I cant continue feeling the way I do and he needs to fix it because it honestly feels I wont get through this. He hates that he is hurting me has had an awful weekend at home, that said he is still at home - so not hurting him enough to take any action! He is ment to be staying at mine tonight and tomorrow I told him he can come over but it is to talk. The conditions dont change I need more and he really needs to decide I cant have my head all over the place. He has suggested getting home in order and starting to prepare but I dont know if I can carry on. Then the alternative is how I feel now which is pretty unbearable. So my head is a mess and I know I am rambling on so sorry for the length of the post just not sure where we go next. I read a lot of these posts and it is not that I dont get the replies I know what is good for me. I know the sensible thing is to NC, I really do but the way I feel, and it is not getting better, I just dont know how I would manage getting over this. It sounds mental but when we're in contact ( and this is from 8 am till bed about 100 SMSs day and about 5 phone calls, three nights a week at mine, every sat day together) I am so much calmer about everything. Think I need to preserve my sanity, get my head into gear that this is not going to happen and prepare myself to get strong enough to not have to see him and then no contact. On Saturday we both go abroad with our families for xmas and new year it would maybe be a good time to get some distance, try and start to live without him. who knows. I guess its the hardest thing to do when its the last thing I would ever want to do, love it not a maybe thing, I cant turn the switch off.
frannie Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Hello sadieb. I've been where you are now, once or twice during the affair. Last February/March was the worst time for me. He said he was leaving... but he really wasn't ready. What you're MM has said about not being able to face hurting them is exactly what my MM said. Its so difficult. It takes a long time... well, in my MM's case it has anyway (he's still not left, but I see the signs that he's almost ready now... he's not talking about hurting people, and everything he says... the 'buts' and 'ifs' and 'whethers' have disappeared) I'd say your MM sounds like he needs more time than you can give him right now. And that is what happened to me last winter... I just couldn't wait any longer. I was ill, and too stressed with wondering if it would ever happen. So I did go NC. And stuck to it for the entire summer. In that NC I got a lot stronger, and more certain I wanted him, or 'us'. It gave me some perspective. Taught me some patience. I broke NC to see how he was, and we re-started the affair on different terms... this time I've stopped pressuring him for my own reasons... if he leaves he leaves, and if I can't stand the affair any longer, I know that I can walk away and be fine (as I was during the NC). The upshot of all this is that he's saying he wants to leave... he missed me so much during NC, and is so glad to have me back. He's planning on leaving early in the New Year. He's said he will be out and into a new place by the end of March latest. A while back I would have been saying... MARCH! That's forever! But... he's leaving his family... it's not something you can just up and do to someone else's timetable. There have been times in this relationship where I felt we were tearing each other to pieces with the stress and the 'decisions'... looking back now, maybe most of it was unnecessary, maybe I was too keen to get him out of there well before it was right? I don't know. I feel like I barely knew him last year, when I was so focused on him leaving... we know each other far better now, and I look back and think... wow... what was I doing? Couldn't I have taken things more slowly? It's certainly been a long, hard road, and I'm just hoping that it hasn't all been 'for nothing'. Not sure if any of this helps you, but I just thought you sounded so like me in my worst moments... maybe there is something here that might help.
anatus Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Wow... I don't know what's more traumatic, him leaving his life for me or me living without him. I was there with you guys... the pain, the heartache, confusion, and pressure. Here's my story and I'm sticking to it. I was the OW for over a year. Unfortunately I did not know. I found out after a year and a half and was devastated! I decided a move across the country was best. I was lost, emotionally wrecked, lost weight, lapsed into a deep depression, etc... I decided he did not have to leave his wife and that I would find somebody that will put 100% effort into me. I no longer demanded. I was feeling good about moving on. Then it happened... he left. He followed me. He became the man that I longed for. But here's the kicker... the trust issue. We have been together for 2.5 years and 18 months of those years, he cheated, lied, and only if I knew the rest... Ask yourself, could you trust this man if he left and came with you? I am still confused and asking. We have been in a different state for 9 months now... he is supposedly working on his divorce. I don't ask anymore. I almost don't care. I figured I can love the man but if it isn't meant to be, it won't be. I will be ok... I think. Actually I will be devastated but I know I have already been through enough hell. It's time for me to heal with or without him. I have honestly prayed to God about it. I question him, question myself, and wonder, is love enough? I listen carefully to the song by Patty Smith and Don Henley, "Sometimes love aint enough" or something like that. It's a struggle and the relationship is up and down - all the time. Being on both sides, the heartbroken mistress, and the only woman now isn't easy either way.
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