Guest Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 I am a 20 year old girl at uni and for just over a year now I've been going out with a man 18 years older than me. I know its a big age gap but we get on really well and I dont even notice the difference. The only thing is that he is my first ever boyfriend, I've hardly even kissed anyone else, I've never been on dates with anyone else and obviously as he's a lot older he's had a lot of girlfriends. I know he'd rather it hadnt been that way, he'd have wanted to settle down ages ago but his relationships never worked out especially as several of them cheated on him. Usually I'm fine with all this but I keep having periods when I get stupidly jealous of them, especially the last two. I know that he had sex with a lot of them and the thought drives me insane. I obviously expected him to and when we first started going out I didnt care, but when I started getting closer to him it started bothering me more and more. I know he was with them because he liked them, not just for sex, but thats the thing I think about most. I hate the fact that while everything I do with him is new and special as he's the only man I've been with, he has done it all with several women before me. I dont know why, but its really mainly the previous two that bother me, I can cope with the others but not these two. One of them he is still friends with and so I think thats why I feel jealous of her as he still cares about her even though just as a friend. But I know that my feelings are irrational as she lives in Germany and he dated another girl after her and before me so must be over her. The last one cheated on him and he isnt still in contact with her, so why do I feel like this? I guess what I'm asking is how do I get over my irrational jealousy as it tears me apart, sometimes it really gets me down and its unfair as he didnt even know me when he went out with any of his previous girlfriends. I dont want it to ruin our relationship as I really care about him and I know he cares about me too. How do I get rid of it?
roxy_1980 Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 It is fairly common when you first start dating to be jealous of someone's exes. It stems from the lack of your own experience. You feel as though what you're experiencing with this person is exclusive to them. After you have a few relationships, you realize that this is not the case. That you can have these feelings with other people at other times. You also realize that at some point that this has happened to your partner in their past as well. It takes this experience to realize that their relationship with other people does not detract from yours. They thought at the time that it would work out, but it didn't. So they are trying to make things work with you and that's all that matters really. Not every relationship will work out. What's done is done and people move on. Try to remember that. Oh, and I feel that I have to point out, this problem is probably why not alot of 20 year olds date 38 year-olds. Not alot of younger people have the experience to handle the past of someone twice their age.
orangehose Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 OP, I can relate to your feelings, having been in a similar position myself. I started dating pretty late in life (later than you), and the person I dated was also older and had had several previous serious relationships. Like you, it didn't bother me at first, but over time, as I became more invested, the experience differential bothered me more - he had experienced different people, I hadn't, he had had a "love of his life" who wasn't me, whereas for me, he was my one and only. Our experience and age difference also seemed to make the relationship less equal and to alter the power dynamic unfavorably. These were far from the only or most important problems in the relationship, but my point basically is, you shouldn't chide yourself too much at this stage for having those feelings. I think the previous poster is correct. Yes, it's irrational to have these feelings, on the other hand, the experience / age difference is so huge in your case that you can't really berate yourself for having those feelings. On the other hand, if truly the only problem in the relationship is this experience differential, then perhaps you should talk about it with him - not just once, but a few times... He may be able to say things that set your heart at ease (or, if he's like my ex, he may say things that do the opposite - but in that case, you don't want to be hanging around him anyway).
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