input desparately needed.....

[hrtingsobd]

still love a porn addict.... same story....different person. I posted in 2 spots. Hope that was okay. I needed an opinion quickly.

 

It is 3:00 in the morning and here I sit looking on a computer for understanding from people I don't even know. Here goes.....My live in of 1 1/2 years (dating 3) moved out 2 weeks ago due to an issue he has with porn. Please note, while I am sure I will get bashed by many over my own insecurities, I am aware that I have a body image issue but who doesn't?

 

Please let me say, that while SOME of you try to put the issue of porn addiction off on the woman because "Men just do that!", I take offense to this. Just because someone is of a certain gender does not excuse bad behavior. I like to shop till I drop and that is something that "Women Do". But let me run up a $50,000 credit card bill and y'all would be saying I have some sort of impulse control issue or something of the sort.

 

My bfr and I watched porn a lot together. I enjoyed porn a great deal. I have a tremendous sexual appetite. We literally had sex every night except on the rare occasion that HE was tired. I am very in tune with my own sexuality. By all accounts the sex was fantastic. Herein lies my confusion....

 

I did not see an issue with porn until I realized how much my bfr watched it even when I was not around. I asked him in SEPT. to refrain from watching it without me. I explained that this made me feel insecure because I am not 18 with DDD breasts and I feel that that is what he likes because he watches porn so much. I realize this may be a body image issue...but I don't think so.

 

It also made me feel like I had to be a porn star in bed to turn him on. Lord knows I am into some pretty wild things but I wanted to be into them because it turns me on instead of feeling like I had to be an actress in some porn movie. Hopefully that makese senst to someone out there! lol

 

Anyway, I asked him to only watch porns with me because of these feelings. I also told him that he did not need to do this if he was resentful but I chose not to be in a relationship that made me feel bad about myself. (My fault for allowing someone else to make me feel bad about myself.) Should have questioned that then.

 

It was his choice to supposedly quit. I found the porn again at the end of Oct. I told him to leave because he did not respect me or my feelings. He said he would quit. (2nd time)

 

2 weeks ago, I found it again dated at least every other day sometimes more for over 2-3 hours per day since Sept. I was so PI**** you can not even imagine. I felt betrayed and hurt and he lied everytime he got onto the websites and downloaded those movies knowing how I felt about them. For someone who loves me so much, they should have respected my feelings. I wonder do I truly even know him because of the "secrets" or did I just love what I thought was him. He has admitted a problem and is seeking counseling. After 2 times he miraculously doesn't want to watch porn anymore. He also went to his pastor (I don't attend regularly, at all) to get help. He is living with his mom with no computer access. I refuse to be in a relationship with an addict (my dad is an alcoholic so I am familiar w/cycles, etc.) I also refuse to be his mother and monitor the porn.

 

I love him. Other than this we get along great, or I thought we did. Did I truly know him or do I love who I thought he was. He had a whole other side hidden from me...yes, he hid the porn. He even quit suggesting we watch it together so I thought he was not into it for a phase...

 

By my calculations, he was getting sex every night and watching it for about 10-15 hours a week...hiding it. (Yes, I am angry and a bit bitter)

 

I don't even know if I want to trust him. Because my relationship with my dad's alcoholism ruined my trust in addictions, I feel that he will tell me he quit and then do it behind my back.

 

He has given me issues I did not want or have time to address. I am a full-time student and single mom to 3. I do not have a self-confidence issue- quite the contrary. I feel that I have a lot to give to the right person. I am almost 40 and am not at a point in my life where I want to deal with this. Why do I feel guilty? Co-dependency never leaves does it?

 

Please give me your thoughts....I am ready to get reamed here!

[hrtingsobd]

Sorry about the spelling...tired. I did not mean to sound confrontational in the beginning of the post. extremely upset. Sorry all.

[InsanityImpaired]

10-15 hours a week is quite a lot. And it makes no sense to me, unless it were indeed an addiction. That being said, I do not believe in a miracle cure for any addiction, that can be accomplished in 2 sessions. It would be something similar as your dad saying that he was cured, if he started living in a country were alcohol were strictly prohibited. I doubt the underlying issues to your bf's addiction have been exposed and dealt with. Can he explain why he was watching it for such a long time, against his promises he made to you?

 

Then there are the trust issues - his broken promises to stop. And possibly a communication issue, but in the case of an addiction it is the addiction you are dealing with, not your boyfriend.

[hrtingsobd]

I do believe it is an addiction.....his response to why he watches is that he does not know. He says he does not masturbate (I doubt) and that he does not get aroused while watching (I doubt this as well) and he does not know why he did it.

 

It seems to me that he got cured very quickly for something he sacrificed our relationship and a blended family of 4 children over. If he could quit that easily then why did I have to bust him out for his revelation? If he would have come to me with this issue, I would have been behind him. at this point, I am going to proceed with the break-up....but I don't know how to start over but I guess I will figure it out, huh? Thanks for your response.

[Dad_of_3]

If you dont mind me asking how old he is ?

 

From the sounds of things, he has some serious issues and not just with the porn.

 

While it is true that alot of guys like to view porn. For my opinion, and it is just that. Why the hell would you when you have a perfectly good spouse you are suppossedly with ?

Ok, I can see that it may spice things up a little, hell even play some small role of fantasy role-playing. But at the end of the day, when you are watching it that frequently and behind your spouses back. Its an issue.

 

From what I hear, its not so much the porn watching that is getting you. Its the deceit and lies that he so easily spills out when you confront him.

Its not so much what you are demanding from him, its a compromise that you guys need to reach.

the reason why I say he has issues he may need resolving is the lying. So easy to comply and agree without a second thought when you have no intention of keeping it.

For someone who is real and wants a lasting relationship, he would of taken note of what was going on, come to some compromise and/or agreement that you both where into fully.

Everything takes time. Don't rush into things.

Take a step back and try to view it from another angle. If you still come up with the same answer, then so be it.

 

As for me, if I was 'getting it' every night, my mind wouldnt be else where. But that could be another point, maybe he needs to see what its like when that goes. It might give him the right wake up call.

 

Don't worry about the starting over, its not an issue here. Its your own self -worth and respect that need attention right now.

Keep and treat it with a cool and calm head.

 

Please let us know how you go, best of luck

 

Do3

[Guest]

its about lies one hides and uses because of guilt and shame and a past - and it spreads over everything once started and that is what i did. i admit that and finally learned how honesty shows u the triggers and the dangers of denial and how easy it is to get lost. it is about learned behaviours and not understanding that everything has a price - i learned these things the hard way - that's why i could stop immediately and blame just myself for what happened. a little late but better now than never - no strings attached.

[Guest]

i am sure she realizes it was no pleasure cruise for me as no-one enjoys doing something that ends up making u puke for hours and hours and that i did not do things to disrespect her only that i was not well and unable to function - i've been to hell and i do not want a ticket back and i am sure she does not either. so, maybe somehow we have both become better people because of this.

[hrtingsobd]

I really do appreciate your posts. Dad...what you have said makes a lot of sense. I am truly shaken to the core right now and am aware that now is not the time to make decisions regarding my future.

 

However, the thing that keeps running thru my mind is that I can not put my children thru the process of finding out if I can do this or not. I think I know that I can't but dont want to admit it to myself because I love him so much. Guest, I am sorry for ur loss. I am aware that he is going thru hell also but now is the time for me to think about me. He caused this mess.....now I have to deal with the hurt he created. Kinda unfair....but who said life is fair?

[Dad_of_3]

I really do appreciate your posts. Dad...what you have said makes a lot of sense. I am truly shaken to the core right now and am aware that now is not the time to make decisions regarding my future.

 

However, the thing that keeps running thru my mind is that I can not put my children thru the process of finding out if I can do this or not. I think I know that I can't but dont want to admit it to myself because I love him so much. Guest, I am sorry for ur loss. I am aware that he is going thru hell also but now is the time for me to think about me. He caused this mess.....now I have to deal with the hurt he created. Kinda unfair....but who said life is fair?

 

Its a real raw and confronting experience. you've been hurt. dont worry what anyone says. You are hurt right now, and its valid. Whether coincidental or viewed as small, you are hurt.

the best thing is to face this with clarity and a clear head.

I certainly can understand your hesitation on whether you can put your kids through this. Thats the moral thing to do, thats the 'right' thing to do.

Certainly when you spend so much time with someone they become a component of your life, they become integrated into it. I have no doubts you are still in love with him.

You need to be approach this with a lot of 'you' in this.

What I am trying to say is, no kids deserve a unhappy, sad and upset mother.

All children deserve a parent that is focused, thinking of their needs and someone who can take care of themselves.

You dont want to disrupt the kids lives, you still love him, all understandable feelings when it comes to a point such as this.

I have one question to you, what are you doing to take care of yourself ?

I lot of people think, I cant becasue it is a selfish thing to do.

No, its not. As long as your head is clear, every step should be taken towards Self-care.

Yes there is a defining difference.

 

You will need to sit down with your BF and at least try to have an open and truly 'honest' conversation.

His issues, unfortunately while you so much want to help, he needs to take those steps.

You can offer the hand of support as you have done, but you cant pick him up from the ground. I hope that makes sense.

 

Best of luck, and take care of yourself !

Keep us posted

[hrtingsobd]

The funny thing about hurt is that it turns into a numbing kid of thing. You survive because the only alternative is death...a not wanted alternative. Today my bfr. moved his things out of the house. I forgot my laptop and needed it (or did I?) so I went back to get it. I saw him moving things out and I did not cry, although it hurt. Some part of me is wondering at this point if I really wanted out and looked for the porn that I knew was there.

 

Anyway, I took the chair out of the garage and added it to the only piece of furniture that was left of mine (his was nicer so we got rid of some of mine). I arranged the living room, changed my bedroom around so that nothing is in the same place as it was when he is here. I put a new tablecloth on the dining room table and organized my kitchen cabinets. All to avoid the pain? The loneliness is palable right now. Oh I have been asked out already. One was a 26 year old....(A little under my 10 year limit really cute until within the first five minutes he told me that he had just "gotten out". I said "Out of where, thinking he meant out of the house that maybe he hadn't been "out" lately and he said "prision". Well isn't that nice? The other two guys had girlfriends but aren't "Married." I think I am not cut out for this. I don't like dating yet here I am again. I do not want a relationship but I am feeling a huge void and my desire is to fill it, however, know that I need to fill it with something other than a man and friendships are not filling the void...kwim? Too soon to date? Probably. But what do i do with the emptiness?