Guest Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 I really need some help getting over someone. First of all I'll explain everything that has happened. I know we were both wrong for what happened, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I'm a married man with 2 kids, and I had an affair with a married woman with 2 kids. We have known each other for 15 years and there was always an attraction between us. Everything started between us really fast. We had sex a number of times and saw each other every day. Just like all new relationships, it was exciting. We both planned on having a "friends with benefits" relationship with each other since we both had families. What we didn't plan on was falling in love. Over the next 4 months I fell head over heals in love with this woman. I left home because I had been planning on it for a long time. I guess this woman gave me the courage to finally leave. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I don't love my wife the way she needs to be loved. I should have left and she should have left before we ever explored a relationship with each other. I understand that we were both selfish in what we did, but like I said there is nothing I can do to change what happened. During this time her husband found out we were having an affair. Of course it was not a pleasant situation for either one of us and it shouldn't have been. I told my wife about the affair, but of course I was already moved out and on my way to a divorce. The affair sealed the deal, but it was going to happen either way. I now became the other man. She wanted to keep seeing me, and telling me she loved me and give her until after the holidays. I knew when she put a time line on things it wasn't good. She tried to end it several times with her husband, but he continued to threaten her with the children and her family. He would say things like her family was never going to forgive her and she would never she her kids again. Of course, my wife said the same thing. Each time he threatened her she stayed because she didn't want to hurt anyone else with what had happened. I guess you could say she didn't have what it took to leave. We continued to see each other and her husband found some things that proved we were still talking. Everything blew up again and once again he threatened and she stayed. This was wearing on me in a bad way and I finally ended it with her. I couldn't be the other man, and there is no way she felt the way she said if she was still there. Since I told her I couldn't do it, she decided she wanted to give her marriage a 100% chance, without me in the picture. I respect her decision and I've been trying my hardest to not communicate with her. I understand everything takes time and hopefully my feelings for her will pass. When we first stopped seeing each other I did real good not contacting her. She called me to "check on me" a couple of times, and of course it got me thinking she might finally leave. The last couple of weeks, I've been finding myself needing to talk to her. She has quit talking to me for the most part. The thing that is bothering me is the pain is getting worse. instead of better. I'm trying my hardest not to think about her, but I can't do it. I know I need to give her some space and let her try to work on her marriage. In the mean time, I'm trying to decided if I want to wait on her for a few months or move on. I think I know the answer to that, but I don't want to face it. I honestly love this person, and I know she loves me. I really believe in my heart that his threats kept her there. The answer is sitting right in front of me, but for some reason I can't give up. The one thing about this situation is her husband knows we had an affair, but he doesn't know the extent of it. He doesn't know we had planned a future. He doesn't know everything. I wrote a 7 page letter that started from the beginning telling him everything that happened. Of course I figured it was not the right thing to do to send it. She knows I wrote the letter and it freaked her out. I knew it would because it would damage what she is trying to do right now. Is there anyone else out there that has been in this situation? I know what the right thing to do is, but it is killing me. Oh well, I guess I needed to put everything down so I could read it and confirm what my gut is telling me. Should I wait on this person or just move on?
oyster Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Is there anyone else out there that has been in this situation? I know what the right thing to do is, but it is killing me. Oh well, I guess I needed to put everything down so I could read it and confirm what my gut is telling me. Should I wait on this person or just move on? Since you asked, I am in similar boat (Single guy, never married). I have move on but left door open. The deal is 1-IF I am still available no problem 2-If I am seeing someone, she has to convince me to leave and go back to her. 3-Offer expires in 2-3 months (in my head) By moving on, I resume life, seeing friends, being out there, if I meet a new woman, great, if not that is ok too. Just step away, far away and make yourself invisible. Once dust settle, her husband will stop fighting to control the situation and go back to his normal behavior which led her to the affair. Only then she will start building courage to leave him.
sadieb Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Hey, my MM and I are in a very simlar situation, all be it that his wife does not know but due to his inability to make up his mind and leave I am left with the same dillema, wait around or move on. I think a lot of people on these web pages tell you the best thing to do they really are helpful. The problem is that when you really love someone then NC and moving on is the hardest thing to accept. We all know the right thing to do but love is not a switch we cant turn off how we feel. I really dont have any solution for you only when you are really hurt and in pain do not feel alone, there are many of us in the same situation. Best of luck, keep us posted and this is a great forum for support.
findngmyselff Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 ok bro..... me and you need to talk..... I am 29 am just leaving my wife of 14 years, so she is all I have ever known. I know I can luv her like someone else can because 3 months ago I fell in luv with a MW who I have worked with for 10 years. I moved out over the weekend and I can say it was the hardiest thing I have ever done... so.... on to this other women.... she is mid 30's with 2 lil ones and has been married for 11 years. He is another guy who just ended up not giving the attention he needed to have given to her. We fell hard man.... anyway, her husband knows about me, not the sexual part, just the phone part. He got into her cell records and say 300 text messages, hours of phone calls and even called me last week to tell me he is trying to keep his relationship with her together for the kids..... Wrong reason in my opinon, but I do not tell that to the OW, she MUST leave him because she wants to and not because of me. but this is the most interesting part. She never has given deadlines and Friday she said she would be out in 3 weeks tops.... she wanted to make it through holidays for her kids, ok.. thats kewl I understand.... Her husband is trying to buy her back, she gets new rims now and today she is talking bout staying with him till she gets her tummy tucked... she doesn't even need it tucked, but a women who had two kids thinks she does, so whatever... My point is, now I am hearing deadlines and and she is talking about what he is gonna give her... it bothers me cause she is using him to get what she wants and it really is letting me see another side of her... Is she gonna just keep taking what he is giving and using me as the guy who fulfills her sexually. I tell her from time to time, if I ever become something u dont want LET ME KNOW.... god dang, some of us man have feelings.. I am tired of crying... I just want to be through this already.... I feel ya bro, what u need to do is find a real good friend and talk... talk alot... shoot... call me if u want.... we can talk... it's hard, and their is nothing no one can say to help u through.. I know I am going through it and hate people telling me to follow my heart or hang in their..... I understand completly
Guest Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 ok bro..... me and you need to talk..... I am 29 am just leaving my wife of 14 years, so she is all I have ever known. I know I can luv her like someone else can because 3 months ago I fell in luv with a MW who I have worked with for 10 years. I moved out over the weekend and I can say it was the hardiest thing I have ever done... Um, just wanted to point out that three months is awfully quick to be declaring one's love. You're still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship and that mostly consists of infatuation. People mistake that for love all too often.....
MuffinMan Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Hey, my MM and I are in a very simlar situation, all be it that his wife does not know but due to his inability to make up his mind and leave I am left with the same dillema, wait around or move on. I think a lot of people on these web pages tell you the best thing to do they really are helpful. The problem is that when you really love someone then NC and moving on is the hardest thing to accept. We all know the right thing to do but love is not a switch we cant turn off how we feel. I really dont have any solution for you only when you are really hurt and in pain do not feel alone, there are many of us in the same situation. Best of luck, keep us posted and this is a great forum for support. I decided to register for this forum so I'm the guest from the previous post. I appreciate your answer. The main thing that helps is knowing I am not alone. I'll keep everyone updated, but I'm trying my hardest at this NC thing and it is killing me. The hardest part for me is knowing she loves me and we are meant to be together, but not being able to do a dang thing about it. Once again, thanks and keep me updated as well.
findngmyselff Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 as for the 3 month thing....... its been going for awhile... but 3 months ago it has gone deeper..... It may be too soon, but if we both leave our relationships for OURSELVES and not each other, it wont matter in the end... I am totally confident it will wok out, but if we leave for the right reasons we should never resent each other if it does not work out... My story could go on for pages, but it's the Muffin Mans post... Muffin Man, all u can do is talk it out bro... good luck..
pureinheart Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Since you asked, I am in similar boat (Single guy, never married). I have move on but left door open. The deal is 1-IF I am still available no problem 2-If I am seeing someone, she has to convince me to leave and go back to her. 3-Offer expires in 2-3 months (in my head) By moving on, I resume life, seeing friends, being out there, if I meet a new woman, great, if not that is ok too. Just step away, far away and make yourself invisible. Once dust settle, her husband will stop fighting to control the situation and go back to his normal behavior which led her to the affair. Only then she will start building courage to leave him. Hi oyster, I like the way you put # 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
pureinheart Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Have to make a comment....I am really glad to see more men in this forum....love hearing your perspectives. Having more male friends than female, and have sord of been a "tom boy", like to hang out with the guys because they are fun to be around. I have found with some females (excuding all of the ladies in this group as you are cool and fun) there is this competition thing going on, and I just want to have fun....don't get me wrong, am feminine, but like to get dirty too ( meaning I like to build and fix things).....
pureinheart Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Once again have to say glad to see the men post, I had no idea that you guys out there have been going through so much....my heart goes out to all of us!....findingmyself is sooo right, talk about it
kymberann Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Pure... Tomboy here too. I always got along better with the guys than the girls. I am girlie, but for some reason I am more comfortable. Glad you guys are here! Muffin man, I know cliche, just keep doing what you need to do to protect your self. You two may have "meant to be" but the timing sucks. Can you really apply that to your situation then? Best
MuffinMan Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Pure... You two may have "meant to be" but the timing sucks. Can you really apply that to your situation then? Best I've been asking myself this same question. This woman and I went to high school together and I can't help but think I missed my chance back then. We hooked up when we were younger, but nothing ever came of it. The person she is married to started dating her in high school and has never let go. We all knew each other then, and believe it or not we live in the same town now, not the same town we grew up in. I'm going to take oyster's advice and lay everything out there for her. The best thing I could have ever done was to start the NC thing from the first day we talked about her giving the marriage a 100% chance. We are going to meet on Wednesday or Thursday and I'm going to lay it all out there. If that isn't good enough for her, then I'll move on and start putting my life back together.
kymberann Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Best to you, whether you lay it out there or not you still need to get YOUR life back together for your sake and no body elses! If she joins you great, if not you will be that much farther ahead and healthier! Don't change your mind and waffle when you talk to her!
MuffinMan Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Best to you, whether you lay it out there or not you still need to get YOUR life back together for your sake and no body elses! If she joins you great, if not you will be that much farther ahead and healthier! Don't change your mind and waffle when you talk to her! Thank you so much for your advice. I'm going to focus on my little girls and myself. If she decides she wants to come along for the ride, then she can. She better not wait too long because I will not be there. No way I'm going to change my mind. I'm going to try to lay out her life now, and lay out her life with me. If that isn't good enough for her, it will be for someone else some day.
frannie Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 I'd like to add my voice to those above who said it's good to have some men on the boards. They definitely add a perspective it's been lacking. Particularly those men who were/are married, and who fell in love with someone else, and have tried their best to resolve the situation. We so often have to hear the 'all MM are...' line, and it's great to have people here who can counter that image.
pureinheart Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Pure... Tomboy here too. I always got along better with the guys than the girls. I am girlie, but for some reason I am more comfortable. Glad you guys are here! Now am finally meeting some really nice secure ladies.....but OMG the company I worked at prior, you would not believe these women....20+ women in one room, thought I would go mad...bitch and piss and moan about everything....always causing trouble....the mean things they did to each other......I asked the supervisor of that area, how can you stand this! I don't know why he didn't commit suicide....
directx Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 I'd like to add my voice to those above who said it's good to have some men on the boards. They definitely add a perspective it's been lacking. Particularly those men who were/are married, and who fell in love with someone else, and have tried their best to resolve the situation. We so often have to hear the 'all MM are...' line, and it's great to have people here who can counter that image. I might be a good reference in this area. feel free to bounce things off me. My situation is really weird. I married, she is married. Both of us have kids and both of us are not too happy with our current situation. However, i totally fell for her but never told her. I dont know if she feels the same. We have known each other over 6 years, and just recently she told me her marriage is broken but is keeping it together for her kids. The only thing we ever done is the friendship hug when we see each other and literally thats it. Not even a handshake. And you know what? With our situations thats fine with me. We talk for hours and send long emails. Nothing juicy, just friendly stuff. Just recently I wrote her 'I think about you alot' but nothing else implied. It was mixed in a lengthy email of normal stuff, but I might have scared her off because I haven't heard back from her in over a week. She is the one that contacts me and invites us out to eat. She even paid for a birthday dinner and got me a card, but i cant figure out where she is coming from. Sorry, this turned into a venting session
frannie Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Just recently I wrote her 'I think about you alot' but nothing else implied. It was mixed in a lengthy email of normal stuff, but I might have scared her off because I haven't heard back from her in over a week. Hello You know, if someone I knew wrote that he 'thinks about me a lot'... a whole lot of things would run through my mind. Are you sure you didn't mean to reach out to her in some way..? Test the water..?
Guest Posted December 23, 2006 Posted December 23, 2006 Please end it now. I am ending a relationship with a MM that we've had for just over 6 yrs. The dynamics between us was unbelievable, I thought he was "the one". He is in his third marriages, with a young "trophy wife", and admitted 6 mo ago that he will do whatever it takes, to have it not fail. He still calls, comes over, etc, but my heart is no longer involved, it is just a routine, I never call him. He literally crushed my heart. She will not leave her husband. Please walk away now, before another 3 yrs pass by, and you are still waiting. My MM did not have kids with this woman, and I don't have any either. With kids in the picture she will stay, at least until they have grown up and moved out. I just can't understand how 2 people can fall so deeply in love, and not WANT to be together. Why stay in a loveless marriage? I just don't get it, you only live once, be with the person that makes you happy. Happy Holidays! I really need some help getting over someone. First of all I'll explain everything that has happened. I know we were both wrong for what happened, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I'm a married man with 2 kids, and I had an affair with a married woman with 2 kids. We have known each other for 15 years and there was always an attraction between us. Everything started between us really fast. We had sex a number of times and saw each other every day. Just like all new relationships, it was exciting. We both planned on having a "friends with benefits" relationship with each other since we both had families. What we didn't plan on was falling in love. Over the next 4 months I fell head over heals in love with this woman. I left home because I had been planning on it for a long time. I guess this woman gave me the courage to finally leave. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I don't love my wife the way she needs to be loved. I should have left and she should have left before we ever explored a relationship with each other. I understand that we were both selfish in what we did, but like I said there is nothing I can do to change what happened. During this time her husband found out we were having an affair. Of course it was not a pleasant situation for either one of us and it shouldn't have been. I told my wife about the affair, but of course I was already moved out and on my way to a divorce. The affair sealed the deal, but it was going to happen either way. I now became the other man. She wanted to keep seeing me, and telling me she loved me and give her until after the holidays. I knew when she put a time line on things it wasn't good. She tried to end it several times with her husband, but he continued to threaten her with the children and her family. He would say things like her family was never going to forgive her and she would never she her kids again. Of course, my wife said the same thing. Each time he threatened her she stayed because she didn't want to hurt anyone else with what had happened. I guess you could say she didn't have what it took to leave. We continued to see each other and her husband found some things that proved we were still talking. Everything blew up again and once again he threatened and she stayed. This was wearing on me in a bad way and I finally ended it with her. I couldn't be the other man, and there is no way she felt the way she said if she was still there. Since I told her I couldn't do it, she decided she wanted to give her marriage a 100% chance, without me in the picture. I respect her decision and I've been trying my hardest to not communicate with her. I understand everything takes time and hopefully my feelings for her will pass. When we first stopped seeing each other I did real good not contacting her. She called me to "check on me" a couple of times, and of course it got me thinking she might finally leave. The last couple of weeks, I've been finding myself needing to talk to her. She has quit talking to me for the most part. The thing that is bothering me is the pain is getting worse. instead of better. I'm trying my hardest not to think about her, but I can't do it. I know I need to give her some space and let her try to work on her marriage. In the mean time, I'm trying to decided if I want to wait on her for a few months or move on. I think I know the answer to that, but I don't want to face it. I honestly love this person, and I know she loves me. I really believe in my heart that his threats kept her there. The answer is sitting right in front of me, but for some reason I can't give up. The one thing about this situation is her husband knows we had an affair, but he doesn't know the extent of it. He doesn't know we had planned a future. He doesn't know everything. I wrote a 7 page letter that started from the beginning telling him everything that happened. Of course I figured it was not the right thing to do to send it. She knows I wrote the letter and it freaked her out. I knew it would because it would damage what she is trying to do right now. Is there anyone else out there that has been in this situation? I know what the right thing to do is, but it is killing me. Oh well, I guess I needed to put everything down so I could read it and confirm what my gut is telling me. Should I wait on this person or just move on?
MuffinMan Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 I just can't understand how 2 people can fall so deeply in love, and not WANT to be together. Why stay in a loveless marriage? I just don't get it, you only live once, be with the person that makes you happy. Happy Holidays! That is exactly what I've been saying this whole time. We are so right for each other and we BOTH know it. Yet she wants to stay in a loveless marriage and try to restore the love. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. My prediction is she'll find another man to have an A with in the next year.
stillhere Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 That is exactly what I've been saying this whole time. We are so right for each other and we BOTH know it. Yet she wants to stay in a loveless marriage and try to restore the love. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. My prediction is she'll find another man to have an A with in the next year. Ahhh, my MM tells me that he's staying for the kids. He tells me he has no interest in her (I believe him 100%) and has eyes for me only. Home life isn't horrible........no fighting or arguments, but feels that the children need him there. I can tolerate that and understand that, but i can't and won't do this forever. When you reach your breaking point, then you will say enough is enough. Only you know when that point is, and only you can make the decision to move on. I wish you luck, as i'm waiting for my point of no return, and it hurts like h*ll!!!
GreenEyedLady Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Hey Stillhere! I can totally relate with what you are saying...
MuffinMan Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Ahhh, my MM tells me that he's staying for the kids. He tells me he has no interest in her (I believe him 100%) and has eyes for me only. Home life isn't horrible........no fighting or arguments, but feels that the children need him there. I can tolerate that and understand that, but i can't and won't do this forever. When you reach your breaking point, then you will say enough is enough. Only you know when that point is, and only you can make the decision to move on. I wish you luck, as i'm waiting for my point of no return, and it hurts like h*ll!!! Sounds like my situation exactly. I'm giving her 90 days. We are in NC for 90 days and if she decides she is staying after that time I'm done. I'll be moving on without her never to return.
stillhere Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Hey Stillhere! I can totally relate with what you are saying... Hey girl!! I have updates for you.................... I wish it was easier to walk away, i've wanted to so many times. It is hard when both of you are in love with each other and neither one can drum up the courage to be the one to leave. Not all MM/MW's are serial cheaters. As hard as it is for some to believe. Both MM and I have found the love our lives in each other, but it's not as cut and dry as i, or some, wish it to be.
Recommended Posts