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Looking for support/suggestions/strength

ema

By ema
in The Other Man / Woman

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ema Member

ema

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I don't even know where to begin...this is the first time I've ever posted something like this. I am involved with a MM. He was my high school sweetheart and I never got over him even though we initially broke up over 13 years ago. It was amicable and we went our separate ways and completely lost touch. Two years ago however, we were reunited. I was single, he was married. Through conversations to "catch up" I discovered that his marriage was an open one (on and off) due to the fact that his wife is bisexual and frequently likes to explore extramarital relationships with females. So, he and I began a casual relationship, with the express permission of his wife. Initially during our relationship he and I both were seeing other people. It got to a point though, where things got so bad with his wife that she moved out, taking his daughter with her. Let me just interject that his daughter is really his wife's child, but he adopted her as a small baby and he is the only father she has ever known. But I digress. The wife and daughter moved out and his relationship with me became exclusive. We had been seeing each other for about 4 months at this point and had an exclusive relationship for a couple more months before he broke up with me in order to pursue someone else. Basically I was dumped because "someone better" (or so he thought) came along. I was heartbroken for the first time in my adult life. I cried for months and couldn't seem to get over him. During these months while I was crying over him, his pursuit of the other woman fell short and he and his wife got back together. She and the duaghter moved back home and everything seemed well. Just about 1 year after he and I broke up, I had started to move on by telling myself that if he felt the same way I did, he would be with me. This is what finally helped me start to heal.

Then coincidentally I started running into him out and about. I would avoid him at all costs since just seeing him would make me sick to my stomach and make me start to shake. One night he was at a local bar with a mutual friend. He came over and began talking to me. It was hard to avoid conversation so we talked a little. Casual pleasantries for most of the evening. Then he brought up how good we were together...told me how he missed me and breaking up with me was the biggest mistake he could have made. How he is miserable and I made him happy and he regretted hurting me the way he had. Confessed that countless times over the past year he thought of me, wanted to call me, etc etc. I was stunned. Here he was confessing the same feelings for me that I had been feeling for him. I told him that he was still married and that I couldn't be with him like that. I told him that I wanted a marriage and a real relationship and that I knew that I deserved one. He agreed and told me that he wasn't going to be in this marriage forever but he couldn't leave right now.

So, being stupid, weak, whatever you want to call it, I started seeing him again. It's been 6 months...and his marriage isn't an open one this time. I don't have permission now and his wife would be less than pleased if she found out about us.

We see each other very infrequently; at the most it's once a week, at the least it's once a month. I love him. I want to be with him and I just don't see it happening. I tell myself all the time that regardless of how miserable he says he is, he has the option to make himself happy by leaving. But then I play devil's advocate against myself and rationalize him staying for his daughter's sake, for the money's sake or for whatever other reason I come up with.

I guess I'm just looking to see if there is anyone else going thru what I am going thru. Any advice you can offer me. Any stories you can share, wisdom you can impart or strength you can send me. I've talked to friends of mine and their reactions are mixed. Some say to wait it out, that he and I are meant to be. I don't know if I buy that. Others say I am weak and immature and a home-wrecker and that I should gain some self-respect and leave. It's just not that easy. I walked away from him once before...13+ years ago. I'm scared to death to leave him again. Neither one of us forgot the other and both of us jumped at the chance to be together again. We're so good together but he's not mine. Sometimes I feel like if I just wait for the right moment, he will be mine. Then again, I'm 30 years old. I want a husband and a family of my own. How long can this go on?

 

**I'm sorry this post was so long and rambling. Forgive me but this is my first time reaching out online like this and I'm not sure of protocol. But, thank you in advance for any advice or support you can offer me.**

bonehead Established Member

bonehead

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He started a relationship with you, dumped you, went after someone else, and still ended up back with his wife, the started seeing you again?

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ema Member

ema

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Yes, pretty much. He's confused. Or maybe just greedy but knowing him for as long as I have, I am leaning towards VERY confused. He made a mistake early in his adult life by marrying her and choosing this path. Now he's unhappy.....

bonehead Established Member

bonehead

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Yes, pretty much. He's confused. Or maybe just greedy but knowing him for as long as I have, I am leaning towards VERY confused. He made a mistake early in his adult life by marrying her and choosing this path. Now he's unhappy.....

 

If he is truly confused, then throwing another woman into the picture isnt going to help him much.

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ema Member

ema

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No, it's not. There aren't any other women anymore. Just the wife and me. That's it. The other women were 2 years ago. Now he's torn between his situation with his wife and the happiness he can have with me.

I just don't know how long I'm willing to wait for him...

bonehead Established Member

bonehead

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No, it's not. There aren't any other women anymore. Just the wife and me. That's it. The other women were 2 years ago. Now he's torn between his situation with his wife and the happiness he can have with me.

I just don't know how long I'm willing to wait for him...

 

There is another woman. YOU.

 

If he wants to end the marriage it should be because of HIM, not FOR you.

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ema Member

ema

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Understood and I agree. He should end it for himself. I would never tell him to for me, in fact I don't really talk about it with him at all. I guess what I'm looking for is someone who has been in a similar situation to tell me their experience. Did he leave? How long did it take? Did you end up together? Etc.

I love him, I want to be with him, yet I don't want to put my life on hold for him. So far I haven't. I'm still dating around, looking for someone else, accepting dates, etc. Yet I always come back to him...

bonehead Established Member

bonehead

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Ive been in close to the same position. In his position also.

 

My ex and I had set a seperation date when one of my best friends who happends to be a woman told me she loved me and wanted a relationship with me.

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ema Member

ema

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I also feel like such a horrible person because I've been cheated on. I know what it's like. I hate that I'm contributing to that for another person, regardless of who she is, who she loves, who she sleeps with. Guilt sucks. Yet, the heart wants what it wants and for me, that's him.

 

So what happened with your situation, if you don't mind me asking...

bonehead Established Member

bonehead

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She and her kids are moving in in two weeks.

 

There were reasons she couldnt leave right away. As a couple they were $60000 in debt from a failed business and I can understand not wanting to start over with that over her head.

 

We agreed on a time line and she met it.

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ema Member

ema

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So there is hope. I've thought about giving him a timeline to decide if we were going to be together or not. I can't go on being his girl on the side forever. Especially when I know I want more from him and from life in general. I just don't know if I'm ready to take the leap and give an ultimatum of sorts.

bonehead Established Member

bonehead

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So there is hope. I've thought about giving him a timeline to decide if we were going to be together or not. I can't go on being his girl on the side forever. Especially when I know I want more from him and from life in general. I just don't know if I'm ready to take the leap and give an ultimatum of sorts.

 

If your going to pursue the relationship thats the ONLY way I would do it.

 

Dont set it for two weeks, but dont drag it out.

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ema Member

ema

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I'm sure it will come to something along those lines. I guess I just have to reach my breaking point and decide when enough is enough.

Thanks for your insight though and I truly wish you the best of luck!

bonehead Established Member

bonehead

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I'm sure it will come to something along those lines. I guess I just have to reach my breaking point and decide when enough is enough.

Thanks for your insight though and I truly wish you the best of luck!

 

Dont wait to reach your breaking point.

 

It really needs to be an unemotional decision.

GreenEyedLady Established Member

GreenEyedLady

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If you give him a timeline, it's going to sound like an ultimatum...

 

Also, YOU may want to get married and have a family but he already has one...And if he does leave, he might not want to be serious with anyone anytime soon...

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ema Member

ema

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Hi green eyed lady, thanks for writing. He does have a family, 1 daughter. I know he wants more children though, his own children. I also know his wife won't give him that, she had her one child and that was enough. But I don't want it to be an ultimatum and I am fully aware of the fact that he may not want another serious relationship too soon. These are the things I struggle with everyday...

GreenEyedLady Established Member

GreenEyedLady

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Is it worth it to you? To wait for him with the possibility that he won't be ready to be serious if he ever left? I'm just asking...

bonehead Established Member

bonehead

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If you give him a timeline, it's going to sound like an ultimatum...

 

Also, YOU may want to get married and have a family but he already has one...And if he does leave, he might not want to be serious with anyone anytime soon...

 

But she does need to avoid the situation he has put her in before.

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ema Member

ema

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I guess that's what I am trying to figure out. And having a hard time with.

GreenEyedLady Established Member

GreenEyedLady

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I agree, it's just in my experience, with men, if you word something that sounds like an ultimatum, you won't get the response you're looking for...and if you're not going to back it up (NC), there's no use for the ultimatum...

bonehead Established Member

bonehead

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I agree, it's just in my experience, with men, if you word something that sounds like an ultimatum, you won't get the response you're looking for...and if you're not going to back it up (NC), there's no use for the ultimatum...

 

I agree. Wording is VERY important.

 

We get offended and feel pushed around really easy.

norajane Established Member

norajane

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I told him that I wanted a marriage and a real relationship and that I knew that I deserved one. He agreed and told me that he wasn't going to be in this marriage forever but he couldn't leave right now.

 

Has he given you any indication of why he can't leave right now, and what needs to happen before he'd be ready to leave? What is holding him back?

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ema Member

ema

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Mostly it's his daughter. He works a very odd schedule and travels a lot. She is the most important thing to him and he wants to be there for her when she goes to bed/wakes up. She's 10. Honestly, is there ever a good time to leave when children are involved?

norajane Established Member

norajane

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Mostly it's his daughter. He works a very odd schedule and travels a lot. She is the most important thing to him and he wants to be there for her when she goes to bed/wakes up. She's 10. Honestly, is there ever a good time to leave when children are involved?

 

No, and that's exactly the point. Since there is never a good time, then when could he possibly be ready? When she's in college?

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