ForVirg Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 I am so so glad that I found this forum. I've been obsessively reading here for the past 48 hours since my awful discovery (I'm the "guest" who wrote my horribly long saga under "how do you deal with the disillusionment"). Today some non-affair type stuff came up with my SO (the cheater). It gave me an opening to tell him how his behavior the last few months has been abnormal and is affecting everyone around us (which it is - it's such a long and complicated story but other stuff had me worrying about his state of mind and its effect on our relationship before my discovery, but I never EVER dreamed he - of ALL men - would deal with problems by seeking other women). Anyway, before I digress too much, in our talks about this other stuff today he kept saying how much he thinks we have it so good, blah blah. As the day has worn on, I've gotten angrier and angrier about that. Yeah, we've got it so good that you went out to find someone to screw? Instead of talking to me or even giving me some freakin' HINT that something was wrong? I'm just SO damned hurt and pissed off. And I've been on the verge all afternoon/evening of saying something about what I discovered. But I also really want to get my butt covered in many ways before I confront him. So I have to know - how do I keep my mouth shut? How do I keep up this acting? And is it normal to now be asking myself all kinds of creepy/scary things about him? I did say to him this afternoon during that other talk that I don't know who he is any more. That is more true than he could possibly imagine. I mean I REALLY don't know who this man is. I know he's not the trustworthy and straight-forward man I thought he was. so many things now are being seen in a different light. I feel like others here have said - like I'm drowning in it all. And what do I do once I have confronted him? Do I ask him to go to counseling or just leave? I mean, I know that I have to decide if I want to try to make this work or not IF this was just a one time thing. And THAT is the question of the hour...WAS this just a one time thing? And how do I find out about past history? any advice on how to find out about past history? So that I know how to go forward? I hate this. I hate him for doing this to us. I hate that my entire weekend has been utterly consumed in this. Bastard. If he'd been browsing internet porn I don't think I'd have this much questioning of him, but he went out SEEKING WOMEN TO SCREW online (whether it be cyberscrew or not -- but he did seek out women geographically close to us, so I doubt it being only virtual...) Help...
Sup Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 You mentioned that you are trying to cover your butt, how? Make sure that your husband can't find this website. Delete any and all cookies of this site after every visit, also DON'T use the autotype feature, it would be a dead give away. Lastly, make sure that you do log off after you're finished here, in case all else fails, then he will still have to guess who you are. How did you find out about your husband doing these things?
Author ForVirg Posted December 18, 2006 Author Posted December 18, 2006 Hi Thanks Sup: Fortunately for me, I'm the tech in this relationship and he's a complete computer inept. Which is what caused the first red flag that led to my discovery -- he never had a clue how to clear out his history files or delete temp internet files, yet when I went on his computer to look for some files he lost, the internet history and temp files had been cleared out. Except for some older .dat files and temp folders. That's where I made the discovery and felt my guts get kicked in. :-( However, your advice is taken to heart because I realize that he now knows SOMETHING about how to cover tracks which means he just might know how to look at my activity. So, I am now taking steps to be sure I cover my butt on this computer (we have separate computers) so he doesn't find I've been on this site, but also because I did install a keylogger on his computer the night I made that discovery. I've been on pins and needles while waiting for the remote monitoring code which I finally got today, so that this last time I get on to install that code, I won't have to get onto his computer to get the files. I've been absolutely appalled at how much those horrid websites help the cheaters cover their tracks. I didn't think of myself as so naive. I'm just devastated by this. Thanks.
lasan Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 My friend is going through this...I wish I could convince him to post here. He found out his wife was cheating and he is leaving. She doesn't know it yet. He went to a lawyer to get his affairs in order and decided to wait until after the christmas season. (she has children, not his and he didn't want to ruin their holiday) I marvel at him not blowing a gasket by this point but he has managed to make a plan, keep calm and stick to it.
Sup Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Hi Thanks Sup: Fortunately for me, I'm the tech in this relationship and he's a complete computer inept. Which is what caused the first red flag that led to my discovery -- he never had a clue how to clear out his history files or delete temp internet files, yet when I went on his computer to look for some files he lost, the internet history and temp files had been cleared out. Except for some older .dat files and temp folders. That's where I made the discovery and felt my guts get kicked in. :-( However, your advice is taken to heart because I realize that he now knows SOMETHING about how to cover tracks which means he just might know how to look at my activity. So, I am now taking steps to be sure I cover my butt on this computer (we have separate computers) so he doesn't find I've been on this site, but also because I did install a keylogger on his computer the night I made that discovery. I've been on pins and needles while waiting for the remote monitoring code which I finally got today, so that this last time I get on to install that code, I won't have to get onto his computer to get the files. I've been absolutely appalled at how much those horrid websites help the cheaters cover their tracks. I didn't think of myself as so naive. I'm just devastated by this. Thanks. He may not be as inept as you may think, or lead to think. I know, it's easy to play dumb, DUH! LOL:p I hope this keylogger you installed is a good one, and can't be detected by spyware removers, another thought! WOW! I'm on a roll here! LOL:p Hmmmm, I didn't know that was possible, remotely linking to detect him, I wouldn't use it unless he's off the computer, he might see something, or it would possibly slow down on him. Have you ever thought that you husband could be monitoring you with one of these keyloggers, just wondering. And to Lasan, please let us know what happens with your friend.
Author ForVirg Posted December 19, 2006 Author Posted December 19, 2006 Yeah, I'm thinking he might have been playing dumb. The remote viewing is actually that the keylogger transmits the log files to their web-based server, so I can log in any time any where, and it's not reading it off HIS computer, it's reading it off theirs on the web. We have always on broadband so it's no problem, and I've been running it on my computer as well to test. No views. However, I did screw up and not have his spySweeper program ignore it, but I did that tonight. There's an update on the situation, but I'll post that separately. However, I've also installed a secondary keylogger on both our computers, so I can see if someone is doing something on MY computer. And I'm running a couple different scanners that aren't on my computer (web-based) so they'll catch what might be blocked in my computer's anti-spyware programs. I hate all this espionage and subterfuge. I hate him for making me have to do this. :-(
MOMMIE Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Yes it is sad when you have to live this way with the one person you should be able to trust...but all's fair in love and war, and unfortunately, this is WAR!
Sup Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Yeah, I'm thinking he might have been playing dumb. The remote viewing is actually that the keylogger transmits the log files to their web-based server, so I can log in any time any where, and it's not reading it off HIS computer, it's reading it off theirs on the web. We have always on broadband so it's no problem, and I've been running it on my computer as well to test. No views. However, I did screw up and not have his spySweeper program ignore it, but I did that tonight. There's an update on the situation, but I'll post that separately. However, I've also installed a secondary keylogger on both our computers, so I can see if someone is doing something on MY computer. And I'm running a couple different scanners that aren't on my computer (web-based) so they'll catch what might be blocked in my computer's anti-spyware programs. I hate all this espionage and subterfuge. I hate him for making me have to do this. :-( Slick! Good job 00, er, Forvir on the spying!
Author ForVirg Posted December 20, 2006 Author Posted December 20, 2006 Thanks Sup for the first smile I think I've had in well over 48 hours.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Thanks Sup for the first smile I think I've had in well over 48 hours. Hmmmm..this sounds very familiar to what I went throug. I don't want to hijak the thread so I'll be brief. I am also a techy person (IT Directory) and found most of the evidence I need to prove my fiance was cheating on me. I found she had an email account I didn't know about, and I was able to acutally pull some of her inbox messages from the cache. In there I found hotel and flight bookings that contradicted where she told me she was. After I gathered that she was involved with one of her co-workers, I found links to search in the web browser of hotels in the city where he lives, she claimed she had to go there for training. I also found google and mapquest maps detailing how to get to romantic spots in that state, as well as apartement and job searches there. I believe she had an elaborate plan, but when I confronted her things really blew up. After seperating for a couple of months I find out he is spending Xmas with her and probably taking my place, so I was right the whole time. Pretty sad to had to resort to this, but I am glad I did before I was blindsighted by the whole thing. Didn't hurt any less though. Cheers!
Sup Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Thanks Sup for the first smile I think I've had in well over 48 hours. No Problemo! You probably should dump scumbag, I mean your friend (RIIGHT!). After all, he's been exposing you to God knows what. (STDs) Have you gotten checked? I've had all my shots already! No rabis!
Author ForVirg Posted December 20, 2006 Author Posted December 20, 2006 Hmmmm..this sounds very familiar to what I went throug. I don't want to hijak the thread so I'll be brief. I am also a techy person (IT Directory) and found most of the evidence I need to prove my fiance was cheating on me. I found she had an email account I didn't know about, and I was able to acutally pull some of her inbox messages from the cache. In there I found hotel and flight bookings that contradicted where she told me she was. After I gathered that she was involved with one of her co-workers, I found links to search in the web browser of hotels in the city where he lives, she claimed she had to go there for training. I also found google and mapquest maps detailing how to get to romantic spots in that state, as well as apartement and job searches there. I believe she had an elaborate plan, but when I confronted her things really blew up. After seperating for a couple of months I find out he is spending Xmas with her and probably taking my place, so I was right the whole time. Pretty sad to had to resort to this, but I am glad I did before I was blindsighted by the whole thing. Didn't hurt any less though. Cheers! Don't worry about hijacking the thread, Rooster. All these experiences are helping keep me sane.
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