Krying Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 It's been a week or 2 since I last posted here. I'm over the 2month mark now since my ex left me. The pain has lessened but the longing and realization I will never get to fulfill my dreams with this girl has taken place of that initial pain of separation. As some of you may remember in my previous posts, I'm not a follower or believer in the "if it's meant to be, it will happen", "everthing happens for a reason", and the one I hate the most "there is someone out there right now, just waiting for you" of the following feel good but ultimately worthless lines of logic. We make our own path in this world. We choose to do good things, bad things and everything in between. Likewise in relationships. Perfectly fine relationships can be ruined. Also relationship are not predestined to work or fail. So fate and "it was not or was meant to be" is new age dribble. Anyway, I feel like I'm never going to heal. I've loved and been in love before. Yet this breakup has been the worst most traumatic experience I have ever gone through. I've done all the things people mention to keep your mind off this person. I've gone out, been with friends, played sports and all that. I've had no contact with my ex either. Yet simply doing these activities only makes me miss my ex even more. Going out with friends and seeing a couple in love, just kills me. As lame as it sounds, sometimes just being alone at home or sleeping helps. Every time I go to sleep, I do so with the feeling that when I wake, things will be better. It doesn't help. I feel the same no matter what, and often even worse. I realized that I may never get over my ex. Never. And I'm scared, frightened and totally lost. My attraction for her, despite all the wrongs she did to me, has not lessened one bit. I'm not re-writing history either and sugar coating my memories. I accepted her faults, and embraced her good qualities. I never judged her. Amazingly throughout this entire ordeal, I've never gotten angry at her. Even in my mind. But the problem is my attraction for her is actually stronger than ever. It's killing me. Even when I'm not thinking about her, I start to think about her. I do good for awhile, then realize I'm longing for her again. I've seen her a few times from a distance since she left me. The most recent time, she looked beautiful and my goodness you can imagine the pain I felt knowing she would never be in my life again. I'm an eternal optimist and most likely the stupidest person I know. I can't help but burn the flame for this girl. I simply cannot stop it. I fear it will ruin me in terms of any future relationships as all I want in this world is her back. I don't want someone else, I want her. Yes, there might be someone else out there that is even better, but I simply want her. Obviously I cannot live like this. So drastic measures maybe must be taken. I have to kill my attraction for her. Maybe even try and hate her. But I know it's not ever going to happen. Even if it sounds like the most pathetic thing you've ever heard, I would wait for this girl for a lifetime. Reading that really does make me look like a fool. Yes I'm a fool in love with a person who left me. And she admitted to a lifelong mutual friend that she will most likely regret leaving me in the long term. Knowing this only makes me want to wait for her even more. How can I leave her in my heart, when she's already left me. How can I stop what has been the most intense feelings for a person I've ever had. Despite her faults, and problems she created, my love did not die. Thanks for reading this far. I'm just treading water now in my recovery and I know in 6months to a year, I will feel exactly the same. I'm terrified and still insanely in love with someone who is out of reach. Not a good combination. I hope others have some wise words of wisdom.
Values Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Sounds exactly like me with one different detail. I know I couldn't ever be with my ex again because she is a chronic liar and a cheat. She should be kept away from society completely. Having said that I can get back to where you and I are the same. It's been 10 months since she dumped me and 9 to 10 months since I found out about all the lying, cheating, and deceitful things she did to everyone around her. Still, I long for the good times we had. The past few days she's been on my mind like a superglue tumor. I haven't seen her since Jan. 28th of this year and I still think of that beautiful face and that sexy body, yeah it's tough all right. As I posted on another thread, part of my problem is that I don't have a girl in my life and haven't all year since the breakup. I don't have anyone to love or to love me back and I don't even have any prospects. I don't know if a new girl could ever take my mind off my ex, but something needs to. I was so close to suicide back in February and March of this year that knowing I could just shoot myself was a comfort. I know that sounds super-bad but its true. Saying that reminds me of how my ex told me about considering suicide before we got together. Back then I was fine and she was not. Now I'm not and I don't know what she is. I know that if I am going to have any sort of life, it is up to me. No matter what she did to me, she is never going to have to make it up to me. And that's where you are too. I know what you are feeling, especially the part about not wanting to hear the cliches. If the old sayings were true such as, "you reap what you sew" then my ex would have been struck by lightning and hit by a truck about 10 times by now. I don't know for sure, but I'm willing to bet you don't have to imagine your ex cheating on you with God knows who while you worked hard to provide for a future that was never going to happen. Hopefully, you have less scars than I do. Good luck.
Guest Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 i totally understand how u feel as i am in the same situation however my focus is somewhat different. i feel the same way but that love i have no longer involves or is associated with hurt or remorse - so, while i can feel the same way as u have expressed that doesn't mean that is at the exclusion of everything else in my life - it means i am open to all possiblities - that i am letting love not be something i will give to her but to others than may accept it. i don't need anyone in my life and i could happily be single forever and i no longer place being with her as what i require to move forward. i simply feel that whatever happens in my future will be determined not by her and i getting back together but by me just being myself and relying not on her for happiness but myself.
notmakingsense Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Just try to keep the wrongs that she did you present in your mind. I'd even write them down and refer to them if you have to..... but in any case, you may or may not need drastic measures. 2 months is not a long time. Many of us take years to get over exes. Just stay the course, maybe consider therapy, keep things up with your friends, and try to be creative about more hobbies/outside activities. Once you feel good about life again (takes time), your eyes will open to new relationships.
Guest Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 You said you KNOW you will feel this way in 1 year, so really you havent accepted that it is OVER. You need to let go but for some unknown reason men have a hard time letting go..worse than woman do. Ask yourself what it is that she signifes (sp) in your life and to you that you wont let her go in your heart....mind.
daphne Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Krying, I hear ya on that nonsense about what's "meant to be." I think it's an excuse for people often times to avoid responsibility. I have to laugh, however, because that's what I threw at my ex the last time we saw each other. Although I told him it must not have been meant to be. I know where you are right now, but it's largely based on the rejection factor. Somehow rejection can make us more attracted to a person than before. And you're still stuck there. It doesn't sound like you've progressed very far in the stages of healing, but you will get to anger. I can promise you that. I have a feeling it may last a long time given your current feelings. I was angry for months and I had conversations with the ex that chewed him out every single time. And I just noticed the other day that I'm not really angry anymore and I don't have those conversations. It's been months. I'm no longer trying to convince him in my mind that he screwed up royally. I no longer think he's worth the emotion and I know that I can do better. Or hell, maybe i know it wasn't "meant to be." lol Some men seem to love women for an inordinate length time, but most of the tiem you get sick of being unappreciated and your feelings will turn in time. Just be patient. You'll get there.
Guest Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 cripes u can only be grumpy for so long - its draining. personally, rejection does nothing on the attractive meter for me. whenever i've been rejected, and as a freelance writer u get used to that, i don't linger on the rejection - i don't take it personally - its aboput them not wanting u. has nothing to do with me. i can stick around just so they get the idea there's no hurt and they can just get on getting on. rejection is part of life. my body rejected the last kidney they implanted because of the winter of 05. if u can't take rejection - then u can't take love either.
bchlvr Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Krying, Try to be a little more compassionate with yourself. It has only been 2 months since your breakup, the breakup was traumatic for you, and it's the Holiday season. Even one of these factors could easily have us reeling and in a state of angst. You are healing even though it may not be perceptible at this point. You've been able to maintain NC, and have advised others on LS about the importance of NC. All of that speaks to your strengths. We may not be able to control our feelings but we do have choices about how to manage them. Sometimes I try to imagine that the intrusive thoughts about my ex are just background noise. Like if you move to the big city from a small quiet town, at first all the traffic and car horns and sirens command your attention, but after a while you know it's there but the noise is less distressing. And so, I am trying to accept that the thoughts are there, and while they are unpleasant, I try to be unattached to them. In other words, not wallowing in them, doing things that help with the healing process. I can't make the sails go away, but I can focus on taking the wind out of them. Krying, about your ex, you said in one of your posts: "Her actions in leaving me, and how she did it, tell me more about her character than anything she could say." This says to me that you are able to see your ex for who she is. You are already detaching from her. So, the attraction you feel is just a part of the process. I think for some of us, it dies off frustratingly later rather than sooner. You are recovering even if you don't feel like much is happening right now.
cbstyles69 Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 as my title say's "time heals all" brotha. i think we've all been down that road. i dated this woman for 4 years. i loved her more then anything. when it ended i felt like i could never have sex with another female. actually i did have sex with other woman. it wasnt the same though. i felt incomplete for about a year. didnt look at other woman. i felt abandoned. but as i say. time heals all. give it time. your still fresh. 2 months in the making to heal a big gaping wound isnt long enough. everyone heals differently. the same cut on a finger could heal twice as quick as the next guy. eventually you will find someone better and u'll forget that it never happend. try to think posotive. try going on some dates. preocupy yourself. these are the times where friends and familly are most important. i'm currantly going thru a situation with a best friend of mine. i've had feelings for her for 3 years now and finally broke the ice and told her. things were great for a lil while and then fell apart due to some complications. although i'm sure i'll get over it, but i must admit i've been losing lots of sleep because of it. dragging myself out of bed for work in the mornings a chore. but i'm sure i'll get over and past this in given time. like i said. time heals all the best of luck with you, and for your sake dont wait around for her. move on, have fun. enjoy life. lifes way to short to be droning on something that your unsure of. best luck some guy in ri.
JCD Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 You'll get over her in a year or two. In the first months it feels like all you want to do is pity yourself and die. I think it has something to do with chemicals or even neuron connections in your brain not letting go of the fact that she is gone. Like when you remove your left arm and the brain still sends signals to it when it's not there anymore. I went thru draining stages and I'm at a point where I accept that she won't be mine. It's much easier going from this point on as I can concentrate on other girls. I think you will too when you won't long for her as much as you do now. What you have to do now is to go thru life a day at a time and survive. Try to find funny friends that will take your attention away from her, if only for a few moments.
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