Any merit in staying?

[lover's rock]

Is there any merit in staying with a man who's cheating on you? There is nothing left to expose. Everyone knows. There are children, in-laws, and financial situations to consider. The OW has told me that she has no intention (inspite of our newborn baby) of ever leaving him because she loves him. He is still lying and when I ask him to leave, he refuses to leave or to leave right away. He gets angry, throws tantrums, and starts being abusive verbally. He starts talking about me never seeing a penny and how he wants to take custody of the kids.

 

If I never bring anything up and pretend like everything is alright, he seems to actually try to repair some of the damage he's done. When we argue, we move backward. When I ignore his misdeeds, he becomes a caring person.

 

I've told him that I'm not going anywhere. She's an older woman without family and a permanent disease who feels that she's finally found love. My H has described her as someone who knows most what it's like to be alone in this world.

 

Note: This is partially a revenge affair because I had a one night stand a year and a half ago. He feels that I deserve what he's doing.

 

Is there any merit in sticking this out? I know that my H is going through a phase based on upbringing and pain and hurt that he's experienced through me. I can't help but feel that if I stick out his acting out, his fog will lift at some point...kind of like the drug addict who is crippled by his vice and unable to see the people who care the most about him, who are most important in his life, and who know him through and through.

 

What do you think?

[lover's rock]

I also know that he's acting out because a few women have caught his attention, not just this one. He's giving this one a good portion of his time, but he also spends time with other women and is even on dating sites looking for casual sex.

[Sup]

That's a HARD one, why did you have a one night stand?

[goodfriendeva]

well i think its awful selfish you guys are putting your children in the middle of this.. the OW doesnt want to stop nor does he.. you have a problem with it.. time to leave.. as far as custody he cant take them away from you unless proven your an unfit mother.. (abusing drugs,etc).. want him out call the cops..

 

yes you can try to work it out like going to a countsler.. but if he isnt willing to save your marriage then there really isnt a point.. you done all you could.. think of your children.. if you stayed with him and the anger youll have towards him.. and he has towards you.. they dont need to be in a house full of hate

[Sup]

It also looks like he's really harboring resentment against you for what you did to him, what he's doing isn't right. Why didn't he just leave you after he found out? How did he find out about the one night stand?

[lover's rock]

I had a one night stand because he started to become a workaholic. He never spent time with me even when I would ask him to. It got to the point where he point blank told me that he didn't like me and started making me have to fend for myself. He wouldn't help around the house or with the kids. He wouldn't help me. He worked and paid the bills. He stopped holding open doors, he stopped carrying heavy packages. He stopped going to church with me. When I would ask for us to go to counseling he'd tell me that I was the problem and I should go, not him. When I would ask him to wake up and turn a circuit breaker in the middle of the night because the power went out or to help me bring in groceries, he'd get upset with me for waking him up. I decided that I couldn't live with him the way he was so I told him that I was leaving. He begged me to stay but things didn't change (or rather I was too angry and resentful to allow him to try). No amount of apology could console me at the time and I started to engross myself in computer games and other things because it was better than reality. The day I cheated, I came home tired and wanted to take a nap and he asked me to take a nap somewhere else. I wasn't wanted...I wanted to feel wanted...so I went out and met a guy. Things went too far and I regretted it immediately. I apologized and I haven't done anything like that since.

[lover's rock]

He found out because a girlfriend of mine told him. It was something that I knew would hurt him and since it meant nothing to me and it was something I never planned on doing again, I had decided not to tell him. He did leave me eventually after he got with the OW. But then he asked if he could come back. He came back and ended things with her for a weekend. Ever since then it's been an uphill battle.

[Sup]

He found out because a girlfriend of mine told him. It was something that I knew would hurt him and since it meant nothing to me and it was something I never planned on doing again' date=' I had decided not to tell him. He did leave me eventually after he got with the OW. But then he asked if he could come back. He came back and ended things with her for a weekend. Ever since then it's been an uphill battle.[/quote']

 

 

People here in these forums will tell you that you should have fessed up then and there, and not hide it. He probably couldn't trust you, or felt more hurt by being lied to. this doesn't excuse his actions though. If you don't mind me asking, how did your girlfriend know, why did she tell your husband, and how long was it from the on night stand till he found out? Just curious.

[GreenEyedLady]

He found out because a girlfriend of mine told him.

 

Is she the OW?

[Trialbyfire]

You two have serious core issues which begin with a complete lack of communication and the fact that both of you put your wants and desires before your childrens' needs. Tell your s/o to suck it up and grow up.

 

Do your children a favour and get a divorce. They deserve better.

[IpAncA]

Okay...There is a lot of problems in your relationship.

 

If both of you ever want to have a relationship with each other, you both need marriage counseling and as soon as possible.

[whichwayisup]

Until he shows you that he's sorry and wants to make things right with you, there is NO POINT in even trying to bother to fix your marriage. It seems he is going to need to feel the consquences of his actions and LOSE YOU before he realizes what a selfish idiot he is. And he needs to go to MC (marriage counselling) with you as well. He needs to be an openbook to you, and be honest...Is that possible now? From what you've said so far, I doubt it.

 

Do you love him enough to try to stick around and work it out? Or are you close to saying f*uck it and kick him out of your life.

 

Two wrongs do NOT make a right. You cheated and had an ONS, but he is having an on-going affair and letting himself fall for another woman... He could have not chosen to have an affair, but it seems he's done this to make himself feel better, and make you suffer...

[lover's rock]

I'm nowhere near kicking him out of my life. I told him that I wouldn't leave or kick him out and I meant that. We've come dangerously close but we're both still here despite all that has happened. He could've said f*uck it and left but he's still here. I could've done the same. Perhaps that's the difference between the couples that actually stay through thick and thin, better or worse...and the couples that don't. We're here, regardless. We are in counseling, no the girlfriend is not the OW, and yes we have issues. Perhaps time will tell...thanks all for your insights. I needed to see what it looked like from a bystander looking from the outside in. I needed a different perspective. Thanks LS for providing that.

[Guest]

RIGHT ON. love it when two people don't let that ruin things. i am like u in that anything needed to stay together is on the table - for me, there is too much good for a future together than letting mistakes from a past kill that.

 

i've changed and done to much work to let that happen - but it takes two right? personally, the ball is in her court - her decision. i hope she knows all this and takes that leap of faith sooner rather than later.