reservoirdog1 Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I think the simplest way to define an EA is when you're saying things to the OP that you WOULD NOT be saying to them if your spouse/partner was standing right beside you.
ThumbingMyWay Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I think the simplest way to define an EA is when you're saying things to the OP that you WOULD NOT be saying to them if your spouse/partner was standing right beside you. or any relationship with an opposite sex that is kept secret from your spouse. If you are "just" friends, then it should be open to your SO also.
IpAncA Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Okay I understand that but then why doesn't people seem to have a problem with saying such things if it's with the same sex? Even though things may not get physical, doesn't the same thing apply there as well?
Rooster_DAR Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 i am confused about this EA thing. for example; if i confided with a co-worker about my depression and do so to give the person that hears about vit everyday is that me having an EA? i am a pretty private person i don't like my life being front page news - does anyone. speaking of information - if i wanted to find someone but didn't know where they lived but had their name are there any sites that would tell me where they live? ever hear of something like that? [FONT="]Given the fact that human are not monogamous by nature: Divulging emotional details about yourself and your life are what start the bonding process of an emotional relationship, unless it's a specialists, best friend, or family member. Again, it's not to say you shouldn't do it, but it's an avenue that encompasses emotional connection, and in turn has the potential to lead to infidelity. Unless a person is strong and mature enough to understand what boundaries must be satisfied and a good understanding of human relationships, it's easy for someone to fall into an affair. Most people don't have the proper knowledge to apply in situations like this, so they become drawn into the natural attraction to another person. Divulging personal and emotional information about yourself to a friend or co-worker, sets up all the ingredients for an emotional connection to coalesce if you will. Consider this; you are good friends with a co-worker that you have worked with for a very long time. You already have enough trust in place with this person to talk with them at least on a friendly basis. Now you start experiencing problems in your relationship such as, you S/O is working too much, not enough time spent with you, and you end up in a fight that leads to sleeping in separate rooms or elsewhere. This is a time when both partners are extremely vulnerable, and since they are fighting their emotional connection is temporarily lost. But wait, my good friend at work is a nice person and is always willing to listen so I'm going to talk to them about my situation. You start talking about your problems with this other person, and wow! he is going through or went through the same thing recently. Now you are both relating to each other, and you now have an avenue of connection that is now meeting your needs. This is exactly how affairs get started, and they will continue until people understand and learn how to deal with these situations. Once this connection is established, it may seem benign at first but as the conversations keep getting deeper and longer, things start to progress into emotional connection deepening. This causes a disconnection between you and your S/O, and once a certain threshold is reached, it's difficult to stop. You are now seeing in this new person the things you weren't getting at home, but this is only a masked interpretation of the person you’re confiding in, and you are not seeing their flaws due to the infatuation that sets in. Now things are getting even more confusing, and the disconnection start to worsen with you S/O causing you to look at more flaws in their character. This is the slippery slope that causes and affair/cheating and is in line to cause much pain for all parties involved. At some point the guilt of what you’re doing sets in and you find yourself doing things you said you would never be capable of. Justification is a direct effect of the guilt; it's an avenue of comfort in a time of despair. Now you are finding faults in your S/O, and possibly blaming them for your disposition, which gives you the rationale to keep up your activity without all of the guilt bearing down on you. After this things get worse and PRESTO! you have entered the world of the cheater. NOTE: there are many cheaters who post on this site, and most of them will tell you that they never thought they would cheat on their partner, but they did. I think most people don't want to cheat, but given the right circumstances, the fact that humans are not monogamous by nature coupled with relational ignorance, human willpower gets dissolved and rational decision becomes non-existent. [/FONT] speaking of information - if i wanted to find someone but didn't know where they lived but had their name are there any sites that would tell me where they live? ever hear of something like that? Yes, do a people search on yahoo.com. Type in the persons first and last name, and you will get their phone number, who resides with them, and their physical street address. Regards!
Trimmer Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 An EA is a bending/breaking of the boundaries of emotion, intimacy, and commitment that you have established with your partner, whatever those boundaries are. Most people don't discuss those boundaries explicitly, and it's exactly the haziness of those unspoken boundaries that make it possible to dance around a bit, make excuses, and fudge a little as you start to slip into an EA. Is it an EA only if you "break" the boundary? How about a little bending here and there? Like I said, it's hazy, and there is no set definition - it's basically an excursion outside the boundaries of intimacy that both partners are not in agreement about. So while it's hard to define specifically what those boundaries are or "should be" for everyone (you have to do that yourself) I think these two comments are really right on for recognizing when you might be dancing near the edge: I think the simplest way to define an EA is when you're saying things to the OP that you WOULD NOT be saying to them if your spouse/partner was standing right beside you. ...or any relationship with an opposite sex that is kept secret from your spouse. Speaking for myself, both of these situations push outside the boundaries of intimacy that I want my relationship to have. I wouldn't like my partner to do it, and I hold myself to the same standard. Now you bring up another interesting point: Okay I understand that but then why doesn't people seem to have a problem with saying such things if it's with the same sex? Even though things may not get physical, doesn't the same thing apply there as well? Simply put, in most cases for a hetero couple, a bond created with a same-sex outside "friend" is not threatening to the short- or long-term commitment that the couple cherishes, and in many cases, people are secure enough in their relationships to allow a partner to fulfill some needs with a same-sex friend that may not be expected within the relationship. A simplistic (and very stereotyped, I realize) example is a man joining with other male friends to enjoy sports, when his wife may not get that much enjoyment from it... (This is an example; I am not generalizing, all you female sports fans out there!) I believe that in a relationship, it can be enriching for partners to share "outside interests" with others, and having some good bonds with same-sex friends is a safe, secure way enhance your life, and yet not threaten your primary relationship. Not to say that it can't be taken to an extreme, though - you can imagine someone taking an activity, a hobby, a friendship "too far" - to the detriment of his or her home life and relationship.... Spending every weekend with the boys, out in the workshop every night, and never spending time together. You can always overdo things. The other example I can think of is that even with my male friends, there are still some things I don't share - inner details of my relationship with my spouse, sexual issues, etc. Certain things in these areas I consider should be kept within the boundaries of the relationship, and I would consider it a breach to share them. The point is, it's all about balance - an emotional bond you develop with a same-sex friend can be enriching, and can even be celebrated by the other partner in a secure relationship, largely because it is inherently way less risky and less threatening to that relationship. But like anything, it can be taken too far, and that's where you have to know what your boundaries are (why am I in this marriage anyway, and what do I want it to be?) and be honest with yourself about your behavior. Theoretically, one could make the case that a properly conducted friendship with an opposite-sex outside friend (while maintaining appropriate boundaries) could be similarly enriching, but it is such a more slippery slope - so much more risky - and even within a relatively secure relationship, the instinct to perceive that outside friend as a "threat" kicks in pretty quickly.... I'm not real threatened by my partner's interest in seeking out female friends, because it is clear that they have things to offer (as females) that I cannot (as a male). But if my partner develops a relationship - even apparently all above board - with a male, I pretty quickly ask myself "what does he have that I don't?"
Trimmer Posted December 21, 2006 Posted December 21, 2006 I also agree very much with Rooster's comments. An EA is not some firm, bright dividing line you step over at some point, where it's all safe and loyal on one side, and dark and dangerous on the other. It's a small loosening of one connection, a gradual strengthening of this other one over here... It's a journey of tiny increments - no one of them by itself a real serious breach of anything significant - it was just lunch with a co-worker! I just offered a ride home... We just got to talking. - until you don't know how you got so far down this road on which you never imagined in a million years you would find yourself. You really aren't that kind of person; it just happened.
Guest Posted December 24, 2006 Posted December 24, 2006 Anyone that protective of a cell phone and recieves calls she doesn't answer is definately got something to hide and almost certainly up to no good, especially if she sleeps with it in her pocket! HUGE RED FLAG!
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