Caught daughter smoking.

[a4a]

OK, THAT IS IT!!!!!!! :mad: I HAVE HAD IT!! :mad:

 

Mods, please close this thread or delete it for all I care.

 

Toto you are very upset..... and with good reason. I for one know many by the book excellent parents and some that do disipline their kids properly and inappropriatley that have "kids gone wild".

 

Shutting down and not dealing with it will not help.

 

Ignore people with closed minds.

[coco_milkshake]

OK, THAT IS IT!!!!!!! :mad: I HAVE HAD IT!! :mad:

 

Mods, please close this thread or delete it for all I care.

 

Hey its ok to be mad. Some people on this forum are narrow minded. No one is questioning your ability as a parent. Every parent wants what is best for their child. I sincerely hope your daughter gets the help she deserves.

 

Please keep us posted on this and inform us of your daughter's progress. You are doing very well to be raising your 2 children on your own. You are an insipiration

[luvtoto]

Why? Do you have any clue at all what is behind this behavior?

Yes. The problems started when her estranged father went to prison two years ago. He won't be out until my daughter is about 24. The psychologist says that she is suffering from Post traumatic stress disorder...NOT BAD PARENTING!! (sorry, not yelling at you a4a)

 

Toto you are very upset..... and with good reason. I for one know many by the book excellent parents and some that do disipline their kids properly and inappropriatley that have "kids gone wild".

 

Shutting down and not dealing with it will not help.

 

Ignore people with closed minds.

I need support, not a debate with people about my parenting skills.

Seeing my daughter go through this is taking the life right out of me. I am always on my guard at home and everytime the phone rings, I think it's the police about my daughter. I have been physically sick all month. Missing alot of work. NO one here at work knows about my problems. I have a fever as we speak and my coworkers don't understand why I am always run down lately.

 

Hey its ok to be mad. Some people on this forum are narrow minded. No one is questioning your ability as a parent. Every parent wants what is best for their child. I sincerely hope your daughter gets the help she deserves.

Well, all I am getting is debate on every thread I post lately. That is running me down on top of everything else in my life. I don't need to be judged right now or debated with. I've even had other posters try to defend my point of view. (thanks by the way)

 

Please keep us posted on this and inform us of your daughter's progress. You are doing very well to be raising your 2 children on your own. You are an insipiration

Well, thanks. I don't feel like an inspiration at this point. I feel like a failure. My other son keeps me balanced though. He rarely gets into trouble or acts out. Just the usual.

[a4a]

Luv you go ahead and vent here. Your daughter sounds so confused and with so much going on with her father. I would imagine you are at your wits end and at this point not sure what to do. I am sorry for your situation.

 

Are there any people that you can talk to that are in very similar situations to yours? Is there anyway to hook your daughter up with a mentor?

 

Would it be possible to get her interested in engaging in a behavior that is more positive and that may influence her to make better choices?

 

Y programs, volunteer work, a part time job, anything to help her build up her self esteem and give her some distraction?

 

There is a way out of this, it is just a matter of finding what will work in her individual case.

[luvtoto]

Luv you go ahead and vent here. Your daughter sounds so confused and with so much going on with her father. I would imagine you are at your wits end and at this point not sure what to do. I am sorry for your situation.

When she gets admitted to the group home, I will get support then. At this point, I am just waiting. Her counselor didn't even make another appointment for her, because she is now talking with her school and the group home to get the paperwork needed to get her placed. It's just a waiting game now.

 

Are there any people that you can talk to that are in very similar situations to yours? Is there anyway to hook your daughter up with a mentor?

We tried that last year. She was being mentored through a woman at her last school. Her mentor tried to get my daughter involved in sports. However, my daughter just had surgery on her knees, and was unable to play sports.

 

Would it be possible to get her interested in engaging in a behavior that is more positive and that may influence her to make better choices?

Yes. She has soooo much potential. She is an awesome writer and artist. It's her thing. However, she is unmotivated to do that. I just bought her graphic editing computer software, but it hasn't left the box yet.

 

Y programs, volunteer work, a part time job, anything to help her build up her self esteem and give her some distraction?

She has been suffering from bad knees for years, also. Plus recovering from dual knee surgery. She did walk into Burger King on crutches wanting to fill out an application, though. It was cute. She wants to get better!!

 

There is a way out of this, it is just a matter of finding what will work in her individual case.

Individual...that is the key word here. I don't have an authoritative husband to back me up with her. She doesn't have loving grandparents, uncles, cousins, aunts she can turn to. They have all turned on her.

 

ALL she has is ME. No "leave it to beaver" life.

 

JUST ME!

 

Single mother, working full-time. Sometimes having a second job to make ends meet to make a good life for my kids. I don't get child-support. All the Christmas present my kids get...are from me and me alone.

 

This is the life my daughter was dealt, unfortunately. I have to play ALL the roles with my daughter. I don't have the luxury of saying, " I'll be the good guy, you be the bad guy." I am her father...mother...and yes, friend.

 

So, if I hear another "Leave it to Beaver" analogy, I will scream!!! Again.

[alphamale]

actually i was reading todays newspaper a while ago. Today's Dear Abby addresses this exact subject. You all should read it.

[luvtoto]

actually i was reading todays newspaper a while ago. Today's Dear Abby addresses this exact subject. You all should read it.

How would I do go about getting a hold of that article? Is there a website?

 

Wait...found it through a google search.

 

Ok. That article is about parents not providing correct guidance to their kids.

 

Are you a single parent, alpha?? Why are you even commenting on this??

[alphamale]

How would I do go about getting a hold of that article? Is there a website?

 

Wait...found it through a google search.

ok.......

[princessa]

sounds like she is out of control. this is exactly what happens when parents become a "friend" versus a real parent who disciplines

Hahaha for the first time I think I agree with this one.

[princessa]

She is very sexual active. She bases her self-worth right now on what guy likes her this week. She is going to live in a group home in the next month.

 

What's a group home?

[alphamale]

Are you a single parent, alpha?? Why are you even commenting on this??

cause of the following reasons:

1. I am a long standing member of LS and have the right to comment
   
2. I was once a kid and was raised by strict parents who did a great job
   
3. I was a big time trouble maker for about 10 years and the only thing that got me out of it was my parents
   
4. I helped to raise my youngest brother who is 13 yrs younger than me. I changed thousands of diapers and babysat him almost every weekend for more than 5 years
   
5. I have seen what the lack of parental discipline does to kids

[luvtoto]

1. I have seen what the lack of parental discipline does to kids

Alpha, you weren't subjected to losing your father to prison for ten years.

 

You didn't see, as a small child, you father choking your mother on the floor.

 

You did not have to hide in closets to avoid an abusive father...did you?

 

Did you take the role as the protector of your baby brother from the abuse, at five years old?

 

Did you have to live in a shelter for three months when you were five...hiding out from your dad?!

 

Did you have to grow up having your dad constantly disappoint you with his behavior?

 

I highly doubt it!

 

I have done the best I can with my daughter, given her circumstances.

 

Her issues do not stem from lack of discipline.

 

The only damn thing my child is lacking is her other parent. A decent father!

[princessa]

She is very sexual active. She bases her self-worth right now on what guy likes her this week.

 

I can't believe that as a parent you can be Ok with your daughter being sexually active at 14!??! Or is there something I am not understanding?? If my mom had discovered that at 14 I did as much as hang out with guys, I would've been grounded for MONTHS!! And you're perfectly ok knowing that she's HAVING SEX?????

[Moose]

lutoto,

 

I know where you're coming from ok?

 

I spent 8 years of my life from 7 to 15 years of age living an alcoholic wife / child beater. Not spanker, abuser.... worse thing was, he had a lot of money. The wealthiest man in town. We never had a chance.

 

My mom would sit back and watch, (helplessly?) while he beat the crap out of all of us.

 

I've seen her being choked on the floor, in a corner, up against a wall, her head literally PUSHED through that wall....so on and so forth....it hurts to even bring these memories up....

 

I've hid in closets, I've hid in barns, I've lived in the back forty to hide from him for 3 days and 4 nights because I lost his friggin' fish net and knew he was going kill me over it!

 

Needless to say, I left at 15 to save my own life.

 

I finished school on my own, went to college on my own, got married and had 5 kids of my own, all without a decent father, and a mother who stood by watching this all happen to me.

 

Your daughter, on the other hand, is 14 years old, smoking, having sex, (actively as you put it), screaming and yelling at her mother out of clear dis-respect, and you've done some things even through this thread that leads some of us to believe perhaps you could use support in your parental skills, after all, that's what you came here for, support, right?

 

You're taking this as an insult, however, you shouldn't. There's no shame in needing help in this area.

 

There are red flags with some of the things you've mentioned. That is the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts......

[Art_Critic]

When my brother and I were about 10 years old my Mom used to smoke True Cigs..

 

He and I swiped a carton of her cigarettes and gave them out to our friends and we tried smoking..

 

We got caught...

 

She stopped smoking that day.. and has never smoked again - that was 33 years ago..and my brother and I also never smoked again either and those few cigs were all I have ever smoked

 

We never got punished but told how wrong it was and she stopped when she realized it was her own behavior that made us smoke..

[luvtoto]

You're taking this as an insult, however, you shouldn't. There's no shame in needing help in this area.

Ok, Moose. What areas do I need help in? What am I doing that is so wrong?

 

Before you answer...why is it that my son is an A-B student, who attends church, and has tons of interests such as basketball, church camp, guitar, bestfriends with the pastor's son, teacher's always tell me what a joy he is to have around?

 

I've raised both my kids with the same amount of discipline.

[Moose]

Before you answer...why is it that my son is an A-B student, who attends church, and has tons of interests such as basketball, church camp, guitar, bestfriends with the pastor's son, teacher's always tell me what a joy he is to have around?

Sounds perfectly normal to me. Your boy has been saved by grace. He's got Christ in his heart. He's a totally different person...now.....on to answering the rest of your post, (disclaimer, these are my opinions!!! not me forcing you to do anything or change anything!), and I'll start with the first on this thread:

Apparently, my daughter has taken up smoking. She gets her cigarettes from her friends. Some friends.

Then you cut her friends off from her. She's not to hang with them anymore, and yes you do have the authority, the right, and the means to do so.

Get this!! She is pissed at ME for not going out right now and buying her a pack of smokes!!

I don't know if you did or not, but you should've told her to shut her pie hole, and sit in her room until it passes, or better yet, you could've gotten the pack, and force her smoke the whole thing in front of you.

 

Yep, she'd get sick. AWFULLY sick, but that's what you want....

She is going to take her frustrations out on me all day.

This statement really bothered me. I would never, ever let my kids walk all over me like this. You brought her into this world, you can take her out! Don't let her use you like this!!

My job is to keep things at bay.

Your job is to remove things at bay, put OUT the fires, and let your emotions be known to her.....

 

That's just a start......

[luvtoto]

Sounds perfectly normal to me. Your boy has been saved by grace. He's got Christ in his heart. He's a totally different person...

So...you are admitting that outside circumstances can mold a child. Hmmm. Not just how they are being raised. Interesting point.

 

Then you cut her friends off from her. She's not to hang with them anymore, and yes you do have the authority, the right, and the means to do so.

In order to keep my daughter at bay it would come down to having a physical confrontation with her. Did I mention the fact that she could kick MY ass?? She can bench presses more than any boy in her class...and she is only 92lbs!! She is tough.

 

Also, if we do have a knock-down-drag-out fight...I would get turned in to the police for assault. God. How many times have I told you this??

I don't know if you did or not, but you should've told her to shut her pie hole, and sit in her room until it passes, or better yet, you could've gotten the pack, and force her smoke the whole thing in front of you. Yep, she'd get sick. AWFULLY sick, but that's what you want....

The smoking is not a problem anymore. She told me yesterday that they make her sick and hurt her lungs the next day.

This statement really bothered me. I would never, ever let my kids walk all over me like this. You brought her into this world, you can take her out!

That would require force once again. I already explained my views on that.

Don't let her use you like this!! Your job is to remove things at bay, put OUT the fires, and let your emotions be known to her.....

OK...so we've established that beating her would be the only way to keep her at bay.

 

How can I be intimidating when I am not an intimidating person??

[Moose]

So...you are admitting that outside circumstances can mold a child. Hmmm. Not just how they are being raised. Interesting point.

I don't think I've ever denied that.

In order to keep my daughter at bay it would come down to having a physical confrontation with her. Did I mention the fact that she could kick MY ass?? She can bench presses more than any boy in her class...and she is only 92lbs!! She is tough. How can I be intimidating when I am not an intimidating person??

Did you know it only takes 3 lbs of pressure to rip a man's ear off?

 

You can put a 300 lb. wheightlifter on his knees by grabbing his hand and twisting two of his fingers just right.

 

21 lbs. of pressure to put a man to sleep 24 lbs to kill him......(fine line there, used only as a last resort!)

 

Even if you don't know how to do these things, letting your daughter know these facts should be enough to make her think twice about a confrontation.

 

You cannot let her intimidate you. Stand your ground! You are MOM, what you say goes and that's the end of it......

 

Next time she raises her voice to you, simple walk up to her, calm, cool and collected and simple put it to her in a soft calm voice, "There are 2 ways I've learned to shut you up today without leaving a mark, so I suggest you do what I say".....

 

And before I get ripped about threatening kids, these aren't threats, they're facts.....

[tinktronik]

Sounds perfectly normal to me. Your boy has been saved by grace. He's got Christ in his heart. He's a totally different person...now.....on to answering the rest of your post, (disclaimer, these are my opinions!!! not me forcing you to do anything or change anything!), and I'll start with the first on this thread:......

Amazingly enough , I agree with you moose on some of these things .

 

Then you cut her friends off from her. She's not to hang with them anymore, and yes you do have the authority, the right, and the means to do so.......

 

Absolutley ,that is what I would do if I thought my boys were hanging out with people and doing things I did not approve of . If you don't agree with what the kids are doing , you talk to their parents and remove your child from that group.

 

I don't know if you did or not, but you should've told her to shut her pie hole, and sit in her room until it passes, or better yet, you could've gotten the pack, and force her smoke the whole thing in front of you.......

You are correct here also , kind of . You have to cut off your childrens agression as soon as it first comes to pass , because if you do not it makes it acceptable . As to your daughter being stronger than you , take a self defense class and learn how to restrain .If she ever comes at you , you restrain her .Period.

I however would not ever make a child smoke a whole pack infront of me .

 

Yep, she'd get sick. AWFULLY sick, but that's what you want....This statement really bothered me. I would never, ever let my kids walk all over me like this. You brought her into this world, you can take her out! Don't let her use you like this!! Your job is to remove things at bay, put OUT the fires, and let your emotions be known to her.....

 

That's just a start......

You are correct with the styatement that your kids would not walk all over you , but in order to do this you have to set the rules and expectations down early , father or no .Do not wimp out because your daughter is stronger than you .She most likely knows you are physically afraid of her . Fix that quick.

[luvtoto]

There are 2 ways I've learned to shut you up today without leaving a mark, so I suggest you do what I say"

She would laugh at me for even suggesting I could kick her ass. So, then I would need to *try* to bend her wrist back while bending her two fingers back. I know that move, by the way. She would then kick me in the shin...and then she will think 'game on'!!

 

Either way, how would that look to a police officer when he shows up at our house and we are both bleeding?

 

Ok, once again, how can I control my daughter without intimidation?

[luvtoto]

She most likely knows you are physically afraid of her . Fix that quick.

We've never had the issue of using violence to get out point across. No hitting is ever allowed in my house. My kids don't even hit each other.

 

After seeing their father hit and abuse, we grew up as a non-hitting family.

 

If either of us hit each other out of disrespect, it would be...it would just be crossing the line.

[tinktronik]

She would laugh at me for even suggesting I could kick her ass. So, then I would need to *try* to bend her wrist back while bending her two fingers back. I know that move, by the way. She would then kick me in the shin...and then she will think 'game on'!!

 

Either way, how would that look to a police officer when he shows up at our house and we are both bleeding?

 

Ok, once again, how can I control my daughter without intimidation?

You can't lt . Your daughter is already controling you with intimidation and shes got you right where she wants you. It is working . She knows if she wants something and you say no that she can just go do it anyway because shes stronger than you . Thats the point you are at .

 

take the courses for self defense and if a police officer comes it is perfectly legal to restrain your child.

[che_jesse]

Are you sure its all about her dad? I mean, shes not the least bit pissed at you?

 

This isn't meant to make you feel bad or anything but, you did marry him, and then you had 2 children with him. I know you said you were on all sorts of drugs and partying way to much at the time, but you did make the decision to start a family with this horrible man and brought 2 children into the world with him. If your daughter is so traumatized by seeing him beat all of you and havening to hide from him and all that wouldn't she be mad at you for putting her in that cituation to begin with?

 

I'm only asking because of that statement you made about her missing only one thing, a father figure.

 

I guess my question is this: are you and her ok on the issue of her dad?

 

See I told you she would dump the smoking on her own. Most kids today really don't want to start, if shes capable of that much I'm sure shes capable of a lot more.

 

Well anyway, good luck with all that.

[tinktronik]

We've never had the issue of using violence to get out point across. No hitting is ever allowed in my house. My kids don't even hit each other.

 

After seeing their father hit and abuse, we grew up as a non-hitting family.

 

If either of us hit each other out of disrespect, it would be...it would just be crossing the line.

LT , it does not matter that she has not hit you yet . Shes threatened you that she will get out a knife .Thats enough , take the measures now that she is showing signs of crossing that boundary , yelling screaming as well are unacceptable.