Caught daughter smoking.

[luvtoto]

Well, it's another great day in the luvtoto residence.

 

Apparently, my daughter has taken up smoking. She gets her cigarettes from her friends. Some friends.

 

Yesterday, I smelled smoke and when I opened her bedroom door...it was clear that she was smoking in there.

 

*sigh* As I was looking through her things for the cigarettes, I found a condom in her purse.

 

Oh my Lord, help me.

 

I told her that smoking is illegal for a 14 year old. She counteracted my statement with, "everyone is doing it!!"

 

I said, "NOT in my HOUSE!"

 

Well, she woke up this morning with withdrawal.

 

Get this!! She is pissed at ME for not going out right now and buying her a pack of smokes!!

 

What??

 

She is going to take her frustrations out on me all day. :(

 

She is on the verge of another manic episode right now.

 

My job is to keep things at bay. To not flame the fire. To be mature and not let my emotions get the best of me.

 

I don't know how much more of this I can handle.

[InsanityImpaired]

The condom and the cigarettes are not exactly the encouraging signs you would want. And you can hardly walk around her for 24/7 to make certain she does not engage in those activities .

You are "blocking" her from smoking, as if you are an obstacle. Not true at all, of course, but that is the way she perceives it at the moment. I don't think that is too much different from your average 14-year old.

 

This can't go on indefinetely. Have you considered talking with her, and explaining why these things are not okay? Not lecturing (that won't have an effect), but discussing both the positives and the negatives. And that your job as a mother is to make certain that she gets the best start in life you can possibly give her.

 

Ask her how she would deal with the consequences of her behavior, if something does happen. Especially with sex, the consequences are enormous, and likely to be grossly underestimated by your daughter.

 

It is not your daughter you are having trouble with but your daughter + her issues. And the issues is what makes it even harder to deal with her. Neither of you is happy with things as they are.

 

You mentioned the group home in another thread. Perhaps the two of you need to seriously consider and discuss that option, and perhaps take some preliminary steps?

[lindya]

Get this!! She is pissed at ME for not going out right now and buying her a pack of smokes!!

 

I can't sympathise enough with your plight. I worked with 14 year old girls in the past, and oh Jesus. One minute you're the coolest person on the planet, the next (ie the moment you slap down boundaries)..."I hate you! I hope your car crashes and you die, you bitch!" A lot of the philosophy I have towards life comes from that period in my life...ie take it all (good or bad) with a very hefty pinch of salt.

 

It sounds as if you're doing everything right; keeping your cool, making your point calmly and clearly and not descending into a war of words with her. Is there someone around who can debrief you after particularly heated/manic situations? Any scope for her staying at a relative's for a night or two to give you a bit of time out? Of course there's only so much of it anyone can take. We're all just human in the end.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

She [at the age of 14] is almost completely set in her ways. This will be a tough one.

 

Question: Do you smoke, Luvtoto?

 

My job is to keep things at bay. To not flame the fire. To be mature and not let my emotions get the best of me.

 

Yes. The best way to maintain a stable environment. You should be very firm with her, and draw about the boundaries. She needs to know, where you stand on this issue.

 

It is not a tug-of-war. Remind yourself, the way the parenting unfolds in the house is a significant building stone for her to use later in life.

 

Do present her with unbiased viewpoints and facts about smoking. Along with the fact that there are over 3 000 chemicals in a single cigarette -one of them is rat poisoning!

 

Do not ever fall down from your position of authority. Hope it works out for the better.

 

Sand&Water

[johan]

Hey, luvtoto, don't worry too much about it. Keep a longer term viewpoint and figure she's just making one in a series of very stupid decisions.

 

My ex had a teenage daughter, and I actually came to understand that a lot of maturing takes place during this time. It's painful, I think, for the girl, because prior to her teens she's basically very sweet and steady. It's during the teen years when the psychosis of a woman begins to set in. You can see them fight it, but sooner or later they just give in and things get calmer.

 

Hang in there!

[luvtoto]

The condom and the cigarettes are not exactly the encouraging signs you would want. And you can hardly walk around her for 24/7 to make certain she does not engage in those activities .

You are "blocking" her from smoking, as if you are an obstacle. Not true at all, of course, but that is the way she perceives it at the moment. I don't think that is too much different from your average 14-year old.

 

This can't go on indefinetely. Have you considered talking with her, and explaining why these things are not okay? Not lecturing (that won't have an effect), but discussing both the positives and the negatives. And that your job as a mother is to make certain that she gets the best start in life you can possibly give her.

 

Ask her how she would deal with the consequences of her behavior, if something does happen. Especially with sex, the consequences are enormous, and likely to be grossly underestimated by your daughter.

 

It is not your daughter you are having trouble with but your daughter + her issues. And the issues is what makes it even harder to deal with her. Neither of you is happy with things as they are.

 

You mentioned the group home in another thread. Perhaps the two of you need to seriously consider and discuss that option, and perhaps take some preliminary steps?

Yes, at this point her school is taking care of the preliminary steps to the group home. It's a long process, so I am still dealing with things at home with her for the time being. She wants to meet her 17 yr old friend at Burger King right now so they can smoke. She wanted money to eat something there. I told her, "If you want to go, then you can walk. If you want to eat...then eat something here at home. I am putting forth absolutely NO help in supporting your habit whatsoever." All I can here is her crying and slamming things around in her room right now. Because of her *issues* I am unable to escalate the issue. I need to back off at this point or we will have a full blown episode.

 

A lot of the philosophy I have towards life comes from that period in my life...ie take it all (good or bad) with a very hefty pinch of salt.

Yes. I have to remember that I am the adult here. No matter how much I want to react to her abuse...I have to stay level-headed right now. If I lose my temper...then we both lose.

Any scope for her staying at a relative's for a night or two to give you a bit of time out? Of course there's only so much of it anyone can take. We're all just human in the end.

We have no family. NONE. Just last summer, her only aunt (her dad's sister) abandoned her because of her behavior. Yea, that's how you handle it.

 

I'll give my daughter as long as she wants to "freak out". Then, after that...she'll come to me crying and apologizing, tired of the internal struggle inside of her. That's what it is...a struggle. I feel so bad for her and want to help her with every bone in my body.

 

A child doesn't act this way because they want to. There are underlining issues at hand here.

[luvtoto]

Question: Do you smoke, Luvtoto?

I am allergic to cigarette smoke. I don't even drink caffeine if that puts things into perspective. My kids only drink purified water in our house.

 

Do present her with unbiased viewpoints and facts about smoking. Along with the fact that there are over 3 000 chemicals in a single cigarette -one of them is rat poisoning!

That's funny. I just said that to her about an hour ago. Her grandma that she was really close to growing up died of lung cancer. When her grandma died...she vowed to never smoke. I can't believe that she is doing it now. She is so lost right now.

[luvtoto]

This episode was quick. I was in my room wrapping presents, and she knocked on my door asking to talk to me.

 

When I went in her room, she was having 'after episode' tears. I can tell when the episodes are over.

 

She said that she is sorry and she feels so lost right now. She said her BF broke up with her because of all these issues she is having.

 

I told her that she needs to lean on me. I am her pillar of strength right now. Not BF's that come and go. I hugged her and then told her that I had a surprise for her.

 

I let her open a Christmas present early. A graphic editing program. She is reallly good at art and poetry. She said that she always wanted something like that!!

 

BINGO!! She has now diversed her attention for boys and smoking...to her art.

 

We are all happy now in the luvtoto home.

 

Her behavior is a cry for help, and I sure as hell am going to help her. UNLIKE my parents.

[Porn_Guy]

She is on the verge of another manic episode right now.

Has she been diagnosed with BiPolar? If so then you should know that the incidence of smoking with the mentally ill is very high.

[Plungebob]

Parent: Okay, I suppose it's a good thing that you're trying to find your own identity. I'm probably not the best role model in the entire world. But please tell me how it makes any sense for you to carry a condom to protect your life while inviting disease by smoking.

 

Child: I don't know...

 

Parent: It doesn't make sense. If you keep smoking, I'll outlive you. And if you put me through the misery of burying my own daughter, as your next of kin I'll tell the mortician who embalms you to put a big, stupid braid in the top of your hair and make you look like a unicorn.

 

Do you know what the definition of "maturity" is? It's doing what you know is right, even if that's what your parents want.

 

*dramatic exit*

 

Logic, humor, mild shock value... there may not be an immediate effect, but like the song says, it's thoughts like these that catch. Don't try to force healthy values into her--it wouldn't have worked on you, and if she's a typical 14-year-old it will make her reject them all the more.

[lindya]

A child doesn't act this way because they want to. There are underlining issues at hand here.

 

Have you had a chat with her teachers at school? They'd be well placed to know of any therapeutic resources that could be channeled her way. It could be really helpful to her to have a third party she could talk to in confidence (or in as much confidence as possible, bearing in mind that some things children disclose can't be kept confidential).

 

I think for as much as children scrap with their parents, they're also fiercely protective of them....and that often manifests itself in the child not talking to their parents about issues that are troubling them. Sometimes third party intervention really is what it takes to get a teenager to start exploring difficult issues.

[luvtoto]

Has she been diagnosed with BiPolar? If so then you should know that the incidence of smoking with the mentally ill is very high.

She was diagnosed with bi-polar two years ago. Come to find out that she is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Her dad was abusive. I left him when she was five...yet, she still has memories. Her dad went to prison for selling drugs two years ago. Shortly after his incarceration, she started acting out. She was a sweet happy kid before then.

 

Parent: Okay, I suppose it's a good thing that you're trying to find your own identity. I'm probably not the best role model in the entire world. But please tell me how it makes any sense for you to carry a condom to protect your life while inviting disease by smoking.

 

Child: I don't know...

 

Parent: It doesn't make sense. If you keep smoking, I'll outlive you. And if you put me through the misery of burying my own daughter, as your next of kin I'll tell the mortician who embalms you to put a big, stupid braid in the top of your hair and make you look like a unicorn.

 

Do you know what the definition of "maturity" is? It's doing what you know is right, even if that's what your parents want.

 

*dramatic exit*

 

Logic, humor, mild shock value... there may not be an immediate effect, but like the song says, it's thoughts like these that catch. Don't try to force healthy values into her--it wouldn't have worked on you, and if she's a typical 14-year-old it will make her reject them all the more.

I will try that with her. Thanks!

 

Have you had a chat with her teachers at school? They'd be well placed to know of any therapeutic resources that could be channeled her way. It could be really helpful to her to have a third party she could talk to in confidence (or in as much confidence as possible, bearing in mind that some things children disclose can't be kept confidential).

My daughter refused counseling for a year. Now, she has agreed, but only if I stay out of it. I don't like going to counseling with her because half the meeting is the dr and I talking about her, in front of her, like she isn't even there. She then gets defensive and is unwilling to share or participate. So, when I take her to her counselor now, I lay low per say. It's just a place for her to vent and deal with her issues, once a week, without me sticking my nose into it. We all know how teenagers love that. This was with her therapist...I do, however, go to her psychiatrist appointments.

[che_jesse]

That sounds like a totally normal 14 year old, why are you freaking out about this?

 

Most kids try smokeing around that age, give her a few good slaps, ground her, and teach her a lession like every other parent does.

 

Now that we know there isnt chemically wrong with her like you thought there was before with the bipolar it sort of brings things into perspective. I really think it would do both you some good if you stop excusing this behavior or makeing allowences for it by calling it a "manic epesode". Shes a pissed of kid, treat her as such, take away her allowence so she cant buy em, hell take away anything she can pawn. All she needs is food, clothing, and shelter.

[luvtoto]

That sounds like a totally normal 14 year old, why are you freaking out about this?

I didn't freak out about it to my daughter. She hardly ever sees me "freaked out". I am always steady and cool around her. However, I need a place to vent my frustrations and that is why I choose to come to LS. Don't make me feel bad for that. That is just wrong.

 

Most kids try smokeing around that age, give her a few good slaps, ground her, and teach her a lession like every other parent does.

Hmm...a few good slaps. Why didn't I think of that??

 

I really think it would do both you some good if you stop excusing this behavior or makeing allowences for it by calling it a "manic epesode".

Her psychiatrist told me that she is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder with manic episodes. So, I should dismiss her diagnoses? Just slap her around a bit and call it good??

 

All she needs is food, clothing, and shelter.

..and direction, support, love.

 

Also, before she can lead a healthy life, she needs to work through her anger issues about her dad. Face them. At least, that's what her psychiatrist said.

 

I think I'll stick with his advice.

[amaysngrace]

 

Also, before she can lead a healthy life, she needs to work through her anger issues about her dad. Face them. At least, that's what her psychiatrist said.

 

 

What does her doctor suggest she do to work through it? Reason I ask is because my nine year son seems to be going through something similar.

 

Did the doctor put her on medication?

[che_jesse]

Her psychiatrist told me that...

 

Oh right right, I almost forgot about your buddy her shrink. This is the same one that misdiagnosed your daugther with manic depressive disorder because her symptoms just fit into that catagory? The one that ignored any brain chemestry involved in her problems? The one that put a child on heavy behavioral altering medications without even being certain that he had to? The one that did who knows what irreprebal damage to your child? And the one that now wants to send your daughter away for someone else do deal with because hes out of ideas?

 

If I were you I would call your favorite lawyer and take this pos for all he has.

[blind_otter]

That sounds like a totally normal 14 year old, why are you freaking out about this?

 

Most kids try smokeing around that age, give her a few good slaps, ground her, and teach her a lession like every other parent does.

 

Now that we know there isnt chemically wrong with her like you thought there was before with the bipolar it sort of brings things into perspective. I really think it would do both you some good if you stop excusing this behavior or makeing allowences for it by calling it a "manic epesode". Shes a pissed of kid, treat her as such, take away her allowence so she cant buy em, hell take away anything she can pawn. All she needs is food, clothing, and shelter.

 

Actually, if the daughter has PTSD then there are certain issues that should be attended to. I"m just saying.

 

Also, I started smoking when I was 14. 13 years later, still going strong, still trying to quit year after year. It IS a big deal.

[luvtoto]

What does her doctor suggest she do to work through it? Reason I ask is because my nine year son seems to be going through something similar.

 

Did the doctor put her on medication?

She was put on medication to take the edge off of her anger. Allow her time to pause before reacting. The medication is called Geodon (don't know the dosage). Then, she also takes 10 mg of Lexapro. Both pills are taken once daily.

 

Also, the doctor told her that she needs to seek therapy. Which she is doing. But, unfortunately her therapist thinks a group home would be beneficial to her.

[luvtoto]

Actually, if the daughter has PTSD then there are certain issues that should be attended to. I"m just saying.

 

Also, I started smoking when I was 14. 13 years later, still going strong, still trying to quit year after year. It IS a big deal.

Well, like I said...her grandmother that she loved immensely died 5 years ago from lung cancer...so did her grandpa. Her dad started smoking when he was very young and now he is in prison for dealing pot and other drugs.

 

I am trying to help her break this family smoking cycle. She absolutely can't start. I won't allow it. However, I know that I can't watch her every move.

 

You are right, B_O. It is a big deal.

[amaysngrace]

But, unfortunately her therapist thinks a group home would be beneficial to her.

 

My son's school has a group that meets and it's for children of divorced parents. I didn't sign him up because I didn't want him to be grouped together with others because every situation is different and I'd be afraid he'd get some generic counselling and also be stigmatized.

 

What's a group home like? Is it only for children from former abusive homes?

 

Oh the aftermath. Makes you wish you could have gotten out sooner, huh?

[littlekitty]

Sounds to me like you did a good job with this issue. All you can do is keep your eyes open for any signs she goes back to smoking....

[quankanne]

She wants to meet her 17 yr old friend at Burger King right now so they can smoke. She wanted money to eat something there. I told her, "If you want to go, then you can walk. If you want to eat...then eat something here at home. I am putting forth absolutely NO help in supporting your habit whatsoever." All I can here is her crying and slamming things around in her room right now. Because of her *issues* I am unable to escalate the issue. I need to back off at this point or we will have a full blown episode

 

glad to hear she moved through that particular episode quickly, but some thoughts from a woman whose husband is trying to kick a nearly 40-year habit: instead of telling her how bad they are for her health, hit her in the pocketbook. DH is griping about how the state has raised the sin tax on cigs even higher so that we can educate the dear little ones in the great state of Texas, and that increase is enough to make him look more seriously about his habit. I think he said it's going to cost about a dollar more a pack with the increase ...

 

have her do research on what it costs to smoke a couple cigarettes a day, then project to a full pack, then two, then three when someone becomes a committed smoker. Then have her look into how long she's going to have to pull a shift at Mickey D's/babysitting/etc to pay for that habit. On top of having enough money to go eat out whenever she wants, for gas to pay for those trips to the restaurant, etc. She might look at it differently, especially when she knows that you are making sacrifices already to buy her things like the GE program – present her with a case of want vs. need, especially when she's expected to foot the bill herself.

 

if that doesn't put her off, introduce her to people who are heavy smokers. Have her go take a whiff of their closet or the insides of their homes if they smoke inside the house. Tell her to ask to look at their teeth and smell their breath. It doesn't matter how great or kind or decent that person is, the stale smoke smell is going to be the first thing you think of when you see or think about that person. And that's not a nice feeling to have about someone you care about.

[luvtoto]

Oh right right, I almost forgot about your buddy her shrink. This is the same one that misdiagnosed your daugther with manic depressive disorder because her symptoms just fit into that catagory? The one that ignored any brain chemestry involved in her problems? The one that put a child on heavy behavioral altering medications without even being certain that he had to? The one that did who knows what irreprebal damage to your child? And the one that now wants to send your daughter away for someone else do deal with because hes out of ideas?

 

If I were you I would call your favorite lawyer and take this pos for all he has.

If you are so familiar with my situation you will remember that I took her to a new psychiatrist last week. That is where she got the new diagnoses. This new psychiatrist was highly recommended by her family doctor.

 

Che_jesse, have you ever had anyone in your life suffer with a mental disorder? Do you even have a clue what my daughter might be going through?

 

You just seem overly cynical to me. Thanks for the compassion.

[che_jesse]

Che_jesse, have you ever had anyone in your life suffer with a mental disorder? Do you even have a clue what my daughter might be going through?

 

You just seem overly cynical to me. Thanks for the compassion.

 

Mental disorder in my family (or what they are trying to call mental disorder): My cousin thats a year younger then me has been a pot head since he as 12, idc either way, he wants to through his life down the toilet thats his problem, hes been arrested a **** load of times, stolen from his parents to pay for the weed, pawned stuff he loves, normal addiction bs.

 

Anyways, last year he convinced his parents to shell out 32k a year so he can go to this levitation school run by some Indian guy. Yes, levitation. His parents agreed because they were at there wits end with him and he, being the master of bull**** that he is, came to them on his knees sobbing begging to send him there because they are the only people that can help him get better.

 

So, he goes to the school, sends his parents emails every week saying he does not smoke anymore and how wonderful it is, and thats its changed his life, and that hes a whole new person with the world opening up in front of him, and that he needs needs an extra $100.00 a month to take his girlfriend Mary to the movies. (go ahead and giggle, I couldn't stop when I heard this)

 

Sure enough, a few months ago he calls home saying hes been kicked out for weed, but he was framed! It was all people out to get him, they snuck into his room and smoked while he was away, then they left a pipe and an O. Those bastards.... He gets sent home, the parents go on a manhunt to find out who framed their son.

 

Somewhere in the middle of all of this my grandmother manages to get them all to a psychologist, the kid gets diagnosed with... you guessed it PTSD (from having to leave our native country when he was 5 and moving) and the parents with depression (you know for what).

 

Speaking to my cousin later, we laughed and laughed about how much he lied to that psychologist, him because he thought he was funny, me because of the stupidness of the whole cituation.

 

Are these people really actually sick? No. Its a stupid cycle that builds on itself until everyone that is cought up in it cant tell there ass from there face and is willing to pay 32k for witch doctors and manhunts. Until you all get so ****ed up that anyone can make any diagnosis fit and your willing to listen to them. Keep at it, soon you to get to experience levitation school!

[luvtoto]

Mental disorder in my family (or what they are trying to call mental disorder): My cousin thats a year younger then me has been a pot head since he as 12, idc either way, he wants to through his life down the toilet thats his problem, hes been arrested a **** load of times, stolen from his parents to pay for the weed, pawned stuff he loves, normal addiction bs.

 

Anyways, last year he convinced his parents to shell out 32k a year so he can go to this levitation school run by some Indian guy. Yes, levitation. His parents agreed because they were at there wits end with him and he, being the master of bull**** that he is, came to them on his knees sobbing begging to send him there because they are the only people that can help him get better.

 

So, he goes to the school, sends his parents emails every week saying he does not smoke anymore and how wonderful it is, and thats its changed his life, and that hes a whole new person with the world opening up in front of him, and that he needs needs an extra $100.00 a month to take his girlfriend Mary to the movies. (go ahead and giggle, I couldn't stop when I heard this)

 

Sure enough, a few months ago he calls home saying hes been kicked out for weed, but he was framed! It was all people out to get him, they snuck into his room and smoked while he was away, then they left a pipe and an O. Those bastards.... He gets sent home, the parents go on a manhunt to find out who framed their son.

 

Somewhere in the middle of all of this my grandmother manages to get them all to a psychologist, the kid gets diagnosed with... you guessed it PTSD (from having to leave our native country when he was 5 and moving) and the parents with depression (you know for what).

 

Speaking to my cousin later, we laughed and laughed about how much he lied to that psychologist, him because he thought he was funny, me because of the stupidness of the whole cituation.

 

Are these people really actually sick? No. Its a stupid cycle that builds on itself until everyone that is cought up in it cant tell there ass from there face and is willing to pay 32k for witch doctors and manhunts. Until you all get so ****ed up that anyone can make any diagnosis fit and your willing to listen to them. Keep at it, soon you to get to experience levitation school!

Ok..so you say mental disorders are bull****. But, let me ask you this.

 

Hypothetically speaking, let's just say you suffer from addiction or PSTD or whatever.

 

Would you want someone in your life that cared enough about you to love you unconditionally and force you to either get help with a sustance abuse program or through therapy.

 

Or would you rather remain stuck in it, alone.

 

Which would you prefer?