ran into my ex from a year ago....still kills me inside

[rob1sinner]

hi ppl im new to this i just ran into this website tonight cuz i was feeling like crap and was looking for some ppl who felt somewhat like me. so anyways heres my story. its been year or so since i broke up with my ex and i havent seen her since (in person). i run into to her online every month or so but i try not to talk to her for long and keep myself occupied using the "well i gotta run c ya" routine. i know its been a long time but it kills me everyday because i still love her but i cant let her know. i cant let her know cuz it seems she has moved on a long time ago and doesnt c me that way. so anyways today i went to a get together my cousin was having (by the way shes my cousins best friend) and guess who was there. i went around, shook everyones hand and said hello acting normal and smiling on. when i finally got to her she gave me a hug and a friendly kiss on the cheek and my heart just sank. i didnt talk to her the whole night cuz she seemed busy with her own friends and i was busy with mine. besides i couldnt act as if i felt anything for her because then again nobody knows i feel this way inside...i just play it cool. i felt like crap the whole night just seeing her smile and remembering the love we once had and not being able to do a thing. i seriously thought she was the one. so i kept my poker face on all night, said good bye and went home and here i am now going crazy. sorry for writting this long essay but i just had to get this off my chest. what do u guys think....any advice on what i should do?

[Ssheena]

I can't offer you any advice but I can tell you I am truly sorry you are feeling so bad and I can understand it.

 

Why did you two end it? Did you break up with her?

[luvtoto]

hi ppl im new to this i just ran into this website tonight cuz i was feeling like crap and was looking for some ppl who felt somewhat like me.

Rob1sinner, I have been struggling with this sort of thing, also. I feel for you. But, I have a strategy that is helping me get over my X-fiaance.

 

My X and I live close and I run the risk of running into him at any given moment that I am in town. This HAS happened by the way and it just crushes me.

 

so anyways heres my story. its been year or so since i broke up with my ex and i havent seen her since (in person).

People do not remember pain. People only remember the good.

 

That's why women give birth to more than one child. You forget what it was like to go through childbirth. If the pain was still fresh on their mind, then they wouldn't want to through it again.

 

In this last year, sounds like you have forgotten the bad times with her. (Which were there!! OR you guys wouldn't have broken up in the first place) You have blown her into this perfect person.

 

I know, I know...there will never be anyone else like her. She has NO flaws, right??

 

Well, regardless. You need to knock her down a knotch or two or three in your mind. I can bet that she had faults...or you wouldn't have broken up.

 

If she was sooo perfect, why did she let you go?? Why did you let her go?? ) Sorry, don't know the circumstances.

 

Anyways...here's what I've been doing to get over my X.

 

For every pining thought that enters my mind about my X, I counteract it with something that he did to me that caused me pain.

 

Then, when that painful memory is fresh in my mind, I ask myself, "Is that reeaally the kind of person I want to love? Someone who would treated me that way?"

 

For instance!! Her moving on so quickly. That is a painful thing. Ask yourself, "Is that really the kind of person I want?? Someone who disses me at a party?"

 

Ok, right now...you are probably counteracting my negative statement about her with an excuse. Like, "yea, but...she was busy with other people." But, as long as your mind keeps making excuses for her...you will never get over her.

 

I know this sounds crazy, but when my mind starts remembering the past and how much he and I were in love, I imagine myself taking off my 'rose colored glasses' and FORCING myself to remember reality and how it really was between us. How badly he treated me. The real reasons for the breakup. (his lying, neglect, pushing me away,...I could go on and on.)

 

Comes to find out, I deserve much better. So do you.

[neiu]

Man I know what you mean and it sucks. No matter what people say though, it is up to you to get over her and I think you should. Just start blocking her out of your mind as much as possible. You might still love her but is she still the same person you were with before? I highly doubt it and she's moved on with her life and you should do the same. Get rid of her online contacts and stop talking to her if at all possible and avoid her at all costs. It's up to you how you do it, I mean you could tell her why you can't talk to her anymore and see her either. It all sounds extremely harsh to be doing this to someone you love but the fact is is that it's over and there isn't much you can do. No contact with her is the best route out for yourself. It's tough, I know it and there's another countless number of others on LS and everywhere who know it but honestly, I think there's someone out there more compatible for you, just don't let the opportunity pass you by.

[luvtoto]

Just start blocking her out of your mind as much as possible.

I don't mean any disrespect...so please don't take this wrong.

 

Blocking her out of his mind will only make matters worse. It's called denial. What we deny ourselves, is what we can't resist.

 

He needs to face his feelings for her. He needs to think about every single 'fantasy thought' about her...as he is doing that...then FORCE himself to bring his thought down to reality.

 

He needs to face it.

[Rooster_DAR]

I agree with the other posters too but...her's a couple of questions I think we all struggle with.

 

What if two people who broke up were actually feeling the same way, that they are not going to convey their feeling for the risk of dismissal?What then?

 

Are you both missing a chance to reconcile and fix any issues that broke you up?

 

If either party cannot drop their pride and let their wall down if only for a moment, are they going to miss an oppurtunity to really encompass true love?

 

It's a risk either way, I guess you just need to decide for yourself it it's worth it.

 

Cheers!

[luvtoto]

I agree with the other posters too but...her's a couple of questions I think we all struggle with.

 

What if two people who broke up were actually feeling the same way, that they are not going to convey their feeling for the risk of dismissal?What then?

 

Are you both missing a chance to reconcile and fix any issues that broke you up?

 

If either party cannot drop their pride and let their wall down if only for a moment, are they going to miss an oppurtunity to really encompass true love?

 

It's a risk either way, I guess you just need to decide for yourself it it's worth it.

 

Cheers!

In my opinion, if pride is getting in the way of two people being together...then that is not the kind of love anyone should want anyways.

[Rooster_DAR]

In my opinion, if pride is getting in the way of two people being together...then that is not the kind of love anyone should want anyways.

 

Unfortunately it happens all the time though, think about it.

[luvtoto]

Unfortunately it happens all the time though, think about it.

I am thinking about it.

 

My X-fiance dumped me due to cold feet. I was a dependent person back then that didn't have a pot to piss in. He probably felt he could do better than me. Like I would be a burden to him.

 

Well, now I live in a brand new house, new car, nice paying job. I am happy...other than the trials I am going through with my daughter at the moment...

 

When he sees me, he always acts like he wants me back but his pride won't let him admit it. He would show up where I worked, found out that he hired his best buddy to spy on a date I had, whenever something bad would happen in his life...I would be the first to be called.

 

I hung onto the fantasy that we would be together someday. We just needed to get past the pride thing.

 

Well, I was wasting my life waiting for HIM to decide.

 

I figure...screw it!! I don't want to be with a man like that anyways. I deserve better.

 

WE all deserve better than someone who can't let their pride get out of the way.

[notmakingsense]

Before I join the pride debate I do want to say that I agree with luvtoto on taking the time to remember the bad-times and the reasons for the break-up in the first place.

 

I'm going through this right now -- I catch myself dwelling on the great, or thoughts of what it would like to be great -- even though it was never reality! My personal technique is keeping a journal of all the things that *really* happened. When I'm getting all nostalgic for the relationship, I re-read and refine my journal.

 

Now... about pride. I think that relationships that work the best always involve one of the partners drawing the other person out by finding a way to give them a "face saving" way to make a concession. This can't always be the same person, or (s)he will become resentful having always to play that role.

 

If, in this situation, neither of you ever play that role -- then it is going to be tough to make things work in the long run. Think back on the reasons for your break-up. If you think a silly matter of your (or her) pride is getting in the way, and there isn't a long history of this type of dysfunction -- then it is worth a risk of telling what your real feelings are.

[luvtoto]

Now... about pride. I think that relationships that work the best always involve one of the partners drawing the other person out by finding a way to give them a "face saving" way to make a concession. This can't always be the same person, or (s)he will become resentful having always to play that role.

I played that role for years. I had friends of his and mine..tell me that I just needed to talk to him. Just put things out on the table. Open the door to talking.

 

I did that time and time again. We would get back together for a little while and then he would drift off again.

 

I am not playing the 'save the relationship' role again.

 

As far as pride goes, it's usually one person letting their pride down and the other one being too stubborn.

[Rooster_DAR]

I played that role for years. I had friends of his and mine..tell me that I just needed to talk to him. Just put things out on the table. Open the door to talking.

 

I did that time and time again. We would get back together for a little while and then he would drift off again.

 

Ahhh....I know the feeling all to well.

 

I am not playing the 'save the relationship' role again.

 

As far as pride goes, it's usually one person letting their pride down and the other one being too stubborn.

 

Again, I know the feeling very well. I got tire of being the one always trying to save the relationship. You only get so far, and then it's just time to cut your losses and move on.

 

Excellent!

[luvtoto]

Again, I know the feeling very well. I got tire of being the one always trying to save the relationship. You only get so far, and then it's just time to cut your losses and move on.

Sorry, Rooster. It's a hell of a place to be.

 

Good luck moving on.

[notmakingsense]

Yeah - me too. I just got sick and tired of being the one that reached out to try to make things work again -- despite the fact that she was the one that was being toxic to our relationship! It definitely made me think long and hard about my own self-esteem. This is why NC is very important for me to stick to now... If I reach out again, then for sure I am not developing a healthy amount of pride....

[rob1sinner]

omg thanks ALOT guys u have been a real help. especially the advice i got from luvtoto. that was exactly what i was doing wrong. making up this image of her being the perfect girl. ur right she isnt perfect because if she was we wouldnt have broken up in the first place. makes alot of sense thanks again

[luvtoto]

omg thanks ALOT guys u have been a real help. especially the advice i got from luvtoto. that was exactly what i was doing wrong. making up this image of her being the perfect girl. ur right she isnt perfect because if she was we wouldnt have broken up in the first place. makes alot of sense thanks again

Venting also helps. We are here if you need us. LS opened my eyes to the mistakes I was making.

[neiu]

I don't mean any disrespect...so please don't take this wrong.

 

Blocking her out of his mind will only make matters worse. It's called denial. What we deny ourselves, is what we can't resist.

 

He needs to face his feelings for her. He needs to think about every single 'fantasy thought' about her...as he is doing that...then FORCE himself to bring his thought down to reality.

 

He needs to face it.

 

None taken but I think you may have interpreted my comment a bit differently than I had intended. My only reason for "blocking" her out is so he can start to heal. I think it's harder to heal when you are in constant reminder of her and it doesn't give you a chance to heal. For me that is what I found, I would see her and my heart would sink. Then I would here stories of her and the same result. It wasn't till I finally blocked her out of my mind did I truly start to heal properly. Frankly I wouldn't say to do it automatically had it been a fresh break but I mean he's been without her for a year and she has moved on for awhile now. Any type of reconciliation in my opinion will not work because she will only want a friendship and he will always want something more. It's extremely naive to say and think things can go back to how it was before because even with just regular friendships can dismantle just as easily if not easier due to less emotional attachment as people change. I think in a year, people can change a lot. Plus, I don't think it would be an attractive attribute anyway if you end up professing your love to her. It won't grab her attention cause she won't see you in the same light as before. This is why I think that it is time to make an honest attempt to move on.

[Guest]

EXACTLY what happened with me. I am now someone that can make things work between us, but, if she has moved on that's ok, as for 'saving face' there is no need to feel silly about asking for someone back and being rejected - that would not hurt me. I know that if she wanted me she would just say so and not saying anything tells me she does not - so I can still think about her and start a new life with another whenever that happens.

[Krying]

I have no advice to give you that I can honestly say will help you. Theraphy, nope don't agree with it. Anti-depressants, again unless you are a threat to society, drugs are not the answer.

 

In my case, there really wasn't any bad times between us until the very end when she abruptly left. I know many people say here that you cannot make someone love you. Well my reply to that is, you can certainly do your best to make it clear you love that person. They may not love you the same way, but don't wuss out in declaring your love for another person, if you truly feel that way.