cuddlybunny Posted December 17, 2006 Posted December 17, 2006 So, I recently started dating again and is it just me or do guys not want to date a girl unless they're going to be able to fool around with her? Honestly.....I am in my mid twenties and I want a boyfriend so I'm dating guys now....and my question is.....is it so bad that I want to get to know a guy and see if we are a good match and get along and spend time with him just hanging out and having fun, without ending up in bed with him the first night? If I had things the way I want them, we would start out holding hands a bit.....kiss a bit later.....and gradually work our way up until fooling around felt right because we truly care about each other and know each other fairly well at that point.....what's wrong with that? I'm talking about seeing each other for more than a few dates before we get to that point. Am I being unrealistic? Does no guy want this type of relationship that actually MEANS something beyond the physical? I'm not saying that all guys are pigs and only want sex......but why can't anyone take things slow anymore? Sometimes I feel like I wish I was in grade school again so I wouldn't be expected to move any faster than kissing anytime soon..... So tell me, am I alone in this? How do I date guys if I keep having this problem? I reallllllllllly need help with this!
Author cuddlybunny Posted December 17, 2006 Author Posted December 17, 2006 ummmmmmm, is no one able to relate to this?
Dad_of_3 Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Well ... there was a lot of factors. You are going to get every Tom, Dick and Harry out there. Not everyone will be in for that. Whats the main drive in finding a potential partner ? Thats finding compatibilty as much as possible. Dont get me wrong, there are guys out there, that want nothing more than to get a nothc on the belt, but there are also so many guys out there with different perspectives. My opinion, and its just my opinion. What you are looking at is a real traditional courtship phase, and theres nothing wrong with that at all. Why is it bad that you want to get to know a guy first? Hell there's nothing wrong with that. You have values and self-worth not to go there. Stick to it ! A girl who knows her self-worth is aworth her weight in gold. Keeep dating, obvious to me that the guys you come across like that, as long as there's communication, arent worth your time and energy. Just bear in mind, there are no shortage of men and hell some of them will have that date and wait and see attitude you are looking for. Hope this helps
PuppyPawz Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 ummmmmmm, is no one able to relate to this? I can relate. I just don't have an answer. I am in the same boat as you. I am so tired of going out on dates where a guy does nothing but want to cress your tits, rub your crotch and butt, I have came to the point where I took a whole year off from dating. I am also one of those people looking for someone I can relate to, enjoy doing past time things together like walking the dogs, go to amusement parks, watch movies, sit outside of a cafe sipping coffee or tea and laughing it up. It seems that these kinds of men are very rare.
StayClose Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 There are LOTS of guys who don't expect to jump in the sack on the first or second date. You need to re-evaluate how you're picking the men you're dating.
nancyleeh Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 Hi cuddlybunny, I'm married and have two sons that waited till they were married before they had sex. So did their wives. They both have great relationships. I'm not suggesting you wait for marriage to have sex or mess around because that's a personal choice but since my boys did wait, it shows there are guys out there that are willing to take their time and wait till the time is right. Don't give up. I don't know where you've been meeting your dates but maybe you could try going to other kinds of gatherings or settings to find a nice guy. And instead of jumping into a one on one date, be together in a group setting and then have some double dates. That way you are more secure in knowing he won't try messing around with you. And if that works out and you want to set up a one on one date, then talk to him first and let him know up front that you WILL take it slow and explain what that means to you. If he's not interested then good riddance to him. So maybe changing a few things on how you approach dating may help you find the kind of guy your looking for. And way to go for you wanting to wait before jumping into sex. nancyleeh
shawn_68 Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 ...I am in my mid twenties and I want a boyfriend so I'm dating guys now....and my question is.....is it so bad that I want to get to know a guy and see if we are a good match and get along and spend time with him just hanging out and having fun, without ending up in bed with him the first night? You are right, cuddlybunny, this does seem to be the norm. But I think that you have the right attitude. Going slow. Having fun. Just enjoying one another's company. Make sure that things are right first. Soooooo missing these days.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 There are LOTS of guys who don't expect to jump in the sack on the first or second date. You need to re-evaluate how you're picking the men you're dating. You know that's not true.....at least the thought anyway.
Star Gazer Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 There are LOTS of guys who don't expect to jump in the sack on the first or second date. You need to re-evaluate how you're picking the men you're dating. I honestly don't know any guy who EXPECTS to get a girl in the sack that quickly. Admittedly, they wouldn't mind... hehe... but it's definitely not an expectation. Are these guys walking away after they realize you're not going to put out right away? That would surprise me. More often I see guys walking away quickly if you DO give it up easily/quickly.
Grrlish Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Are these guys walking away after they realize you're not going to put out right away? That would surprise me. More often I see guys walking away quickly if you DO give it up easily/quickly. Yep. And if they walk away because you won't sleep with them right away, well, good riddance. There are LOTS of guys who don't expect to jump in the sack on the first or second date. You need to re-evaluate how you're picking the men you're dating. I agree, StayClose, although you can't always tell if a guy is going to be that way before you date him. Still, you can try to figure out a little about a guy's character before accepting a date. Or maybe you can at least identify a personality or character pattern..? While I only dated my boyfriend for about four weeks before we slept together, the chemistry was undeniable and it seemed like 4 months! He is quite sweet, charming and sensual, and I'm willing to bet that gals he dated before didn't wait all that long to drop their drawers for him. Also, it was only 4 weeks but we were dating 3 or 4 times a week, right off the bat. He stuck around because he became interested in me, as a person. He stuck around because we had a little bond BEFORE we became intimate. He stuck around because...we have good sex together.
monkey00 Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 And i suppose you'll ask a different question when a guy doesn't present sexual interest towards you? Then you'll be saying otherwise. Let's face it, the early stages of anything remotely dating is a power struggle. Women more often put guys through a long evaluation period until she will proclaim them exclusive (well, that he proves he's LTR material). There are guys who can see through this and will move on at the drop of a hat, and there are those that dont and have patience (i hope them being in denial isnt their forte...aka them having high hopes while you lead them on). The drawback here is that you're withholding sex as a test to all the guys you date. yes it's true, putting out too easily can be a turnoff to guys...as well as being around forever and never put out. So whatever the case, have realistic expectations with whom you choose to date. dont believe you can attempt to convert a bad-ass to a nice guy or anything of that nature, it just doesnt happen. My 2c.
Porn_Guy Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 I'm not saying that all guys are pigs and only want sex......but why can't anyone take things slow anymore? why not date nerdy "nice guys"....they'll do whatever you want. even if you want to wait until marriage for sex they will agree. these guys are very accomodating.
ShoeGirl Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 why not date nerdy "nice guys"....they'll do whatever you want. even if you want to wait until marriage for sex they will agree. these guys are very accomodating. More often than not the nerdy nice guys want sex more than "average" guys. Unless the nerdy guy you are talking about has never been on a date, then maybe he will do whatever you want.
IpAncA Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Where are you meeting these guys at? There are ones that do and don't expect so much so quickly. Their out there you just have to find them.
DanielMadr Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 So, I recently started dating again and is it just me or do guys not want to date a girl unless they're going to be able to fool around with her? Honestly.....I am in my mid twenties and I want a boyfriend so I'm dating guys now....and my question is.....is it so bad that I want to get to know a guy and see if we are a good match and get along and spend time with him just hanging out and having fun, without ending up in bed with him the first night? If I had things the way I want them, we would start out holding hands a bit.....kiss a bit later.....and gradually work our way up until fooling around felt right because we truly care about each other and know each other fairly well at that point.....what's wrong with that? I'm talking about seeing each other for more than a few dates before we get to that point. Am I being unrealistic? Does no guy want this type of relationship that actually MEANS something beyond the physical? I'm not saying that all guys are pigs and only want sex......but why can't anyone take things slow anymore? Sometimes I feel like I wish I was in grade school again so I wouldn't be expected to move any faster than kissing anytime soon..... So tell me, am I alone in this? How do I date guys if I keep having this problem? I reallllllllllly need help with this! 1. Life is short 2. When we love the girl we want to cudle with her....on date #3 we are bitting our nails off. When we dont have strong feelings in a few minutes then we will never have. 3. Yes we want sex as much as you girls do. Guys have in average 5 times less sexual partners in whole life than girls 4. Sex is part of love if you see it differently (love versus sex) visit your therapeut. If you are not sure if your lover loves you or if you love him then leave. 5. Yep most guys cant hold their horses to build up tension and most of girls are very uptight. 6. I reapeat. When you get rid of that fairy tale - physical versus mythical. People who are able to share feelings through touching are much happier. Watching too much porn can give you the hint, that there is love and there is sex. In real world it should be altogether.
Walk Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 I've dated a lot of guys who wanted sex, or to fool around, on the first/second date. Doesn't mean all men expect it, just that they aren't going to pass it up if they can get it. I've always been in the mindset that if they didn't like me because I wouldn't let them get off on me, then sucks to be them. I'm not going to place myself in a position to be physically/mentally hurt, or used, just to make somebody I barely know happy. Doesn't make any sense to me. I wouldn't care if Joe Schmoe hated me for life because I didn't let him stick his hand down my pants. I don't owe him anything, especially something as important to me as my body. Too many freaking STD's and nasty things being passed around for me to foolishly jump into a sexual relationship with a man I've seen two or three times. They aren't all out looking for a piece of ass to tap on the first couple dates. The guys I've had long term relationships with, I dated for a couple months before we started "fooling around". Not wanting to immediately jump into a sexual relationship isn't something I feel I need to apologize for. I step up my verbal communication as to how I feel about the person to make up for any non-verbal communication that might be confusing the guy. Other than that though... I've learned that sex is far better if you know the person. In my opinion, most men with the mentality that they should get sex, or should get to fool around within the first couple dates, usually suck in bed anyway. Majority of those guys have no idea where to find that elusive thing called a clit. Daniel... ever think that it's a power play by men to secure that piece of ass on the first or second date. We all know that most women form an emotional bond during sex, so isn't it plausible to say that men are attempting to bond the woman to him so she won't ditch him..? It's the man's way of securing power over the girl so that he can dictate when he see's her and how often. Since most men don't form that emotional bond, then he's basically tying her to him without needing to reciprocate the feeling.
DanielMadr Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Daniel... ever think that it's a power play by men to secure that piece of ass on the first or second date. We all know that most women form an emotional bond during sex, so isn't it plausible to say that men are attempting to bond the woman to him so she won't ditch him..? It's the man's way of securing power over the girl so that he can dictate when he see's her and how often. Since most men don't form that emotional bond, then he's basically tying her to him without needing to reciprocate the feeling. Power play to get a piece of pussy and power play not to give the piece of pussy. Its more like hockey then Women risk more during sex....you can get pregnant, raped and you are more sensitive....that is why you need to feel that bond - not to be/feel used. We also feel committed to girl after we have sex with her believe it or not some of us feel responsibility. You cant be sure if girl loves you before the girl sleeps with you. Of course ONS type of guys/girls are exceptions....in most cases because they wouldnt date one another. Power? Never thought about it that way....of course Id like to see my girl very often. When girl has sex with me it means closing dowm my options(other girls).....its more like losing power and bonding with her only After sex--frustrating courting is over.....here goes relationship and real fun or an attempt at least. When girl withholds sex, Im feeling it like she has doubts about me or that she is playing power games. The longer it takes the more painful it is. Cant she tell in a few dates that Im good man? That kind of thing. Bottom line. You can tell in a few dates if the man loves you and is willing to date you or if he is not that into you and will leave after physical pleasure If you cant tell even after few dates then you have problem. You wont figure it out anyway. Either he is player (sort of faking interest in you to get you in bed) or he is simply mystery for you and will quit even before he scores because you hurt him with your doubts/plays. Life is short. Dont kill what you woldnt eat and dont f@ck what you wouldnt date I think that most problems and dilemas are made because of the fact, that gilrs dont love weak guys and weak guys can impress only girls which they dont love so much, so they go for girls they dont like so much and then leave them.
rina_r Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 Yes, there are normal guys. But you know, for me, holding hands is something of elementary school level.
Porn_Guy Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 More often than not the nerdy nice guys want sex more than "average" guys. Unless the nerdy guy you are talking about has never been on a date, then maybe he will do whatever you want. I was being sarcastic SG...no girls want the nerdy guys. And yes I agree that the cool dudes who can get girls & sex easily don't worry about it as much.
Guest Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I read somewhere that guys think if he doesn't get sex by the 3rd date you are only "wanting to be friends" Somehow or other the 3rd date was the "deadline" I think it was a Howard Stern book, so considering the source... Still, I have heard elsewhere that date #3 is some kind of milestone in a guy's mind, figuring if he hasn't gotten it by then he never will etc.
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