Why not tell?

[Guest]

i would defintly tell beacuse if it happenend to me i would want someone to tell me not laugh behind my back.leave the girl with some dignity

[Seen_It_All]

I totally agree with Lasan. Who cares what the motive is for telling? That means NOTHING. The bottom line is that the BS needs to know the REALITY of what she's being exposed to - period. Her husband's a proven liar with zero character, so we all know he's not going to be HONEST with her.

 

It seems that alot of OW are strictly looking at this in terms of how it's going to help THEM or not help THEM if they tell. Whatever happened to simple compassion for our fellow human beings? Whatever happened to looking past our OWN selfish needs and perhaps helping a fellow human being based on common courtesy and compassion for them?

 

I'm not a BS and I'm no longer an OW, so I can definitely see both sides of this. I'm simply answering this question as a compassionate human being.

[frannie]

I totally agree with Lasan. Who cares what the motive is for telling? That means NOTHING. The bottom line is that the BS needs to know the REALITY of what she's being exposed to - period. Her husband's a proven liar with zero character, so we all know he's not going to be HONEST with her.

 

It seems that alot of OW are strictly looking at this in terms of how it's going to help THEM or not help THEM if they tell. Whatever happened to simple compassion for our fellow human beings? Whatever happened to looking past our OWN selfish needs and perhaps helping a fellow human being based on common courtesy and compassion for them?

 

I agree that it really wouldn't matter to me where I got the information from, as long as I knew.

 

As far as the second part of your post... I think there is a lot of talk about whether it would or wouldn't benefit the OW to tell the W (almost certainly never would! Unless the aim is to end the affair and stop MM in his tracks).

 

But I think that there is more talked about whether it's the OW's 'place' to do it, and whether she has selfish motives (wanting to hurt the MM or even the W). To me, this is really irrelevant. It's about telling the W or not. I can't see how it's SO very different if the news comes from an OW (perhaps even anonymously) or from anyone else.

 

But that's my perspective.

 

I think a lot of people get all wound up about the 'telling the W' issue, and don't separate out motives/intent from results. They are really completely separable.

[BenThereDunThat]

Seen_It_All - you admitted to being an OW once. Just curious, did you tell the W?

 

If so, how did that turn out?

 

Or did your A end because the W found out by some other means? Or did you, like many of us here wise up and walk away without telling her? If the latter, can you honestly say that you would have told her out of your compassion for her as a fellow human being?

 

I'm not asking you to answer as the morally upstanding citizen you are today, but as the OW you were back then.

[lasan]

Beenthere- Yay! I was hoping you wouldn't think I was trying to single you out.

 

You said:"STD's aren't a factor, because we used protection the few times we did it. I do go the the OB/GYN regularly and look after my health. If I ever did have something, my partner would be the first person I would tell.

 

My main issue with all of it was the emotional aspect, him telling me not only that he loved me, but that he loved me deeply. "

 

Just because you know that you don't have an STD doesn't mean she does. Do you honestly think that she doesn't deserve to know what she is being exposed to and take the appropriate measures? She is LUCKY you don't have anything, Just like I was lucky that whoever gave my ex his disease did it after I was gone. You are LUCKY that he apparently isn't a Ho-bag and didn't expose both of you.

 

You get to leave the situation knowing exactly what he is capable of and what kind of a person is. Why doesn't the wife deserve to know that?

 

"

[BenThereDunThat]

Call me selfish, cowardly, say I have no compassion for my fellow human being. I don't care. It's not going to change my mind. I'm not going to be the one to tell her. Period.

[lasan]

I hope you aren't angry. I think we are having a pretty good discussion. I don't think you are a bad person. You didn't answer the question. Doesn't she deserve to know? You have already made it very clear you aren't going to tell her.

 

Also I am not tying to change anyones mind. You are all grown ups and set in your ways. I am just trying to figure out why everyone seems to think no one should tell.

[kymberann]

Then if that is the case, then the OW should be willing to take the heat while the wife asks her all sorts of questions, and also take full responsibility for her part in the affair. She has to be willing to do that, like it or not.

 

I certainly was willing to do that! I take full responsibilty for my contribution. I liked it, I didn't like it. I wanted closure, I wanted it out in the open, I wanted the W to know what everyone else around me knew. Selfish or not. Whether they call me the crazy, insensitive, weirdo I take that too. I still have to function and make sense of my own sh*t!

I wanted H to know I was angry, he wasn't expecting it, so I didn't want to be fingered as the one who would quietly go away.

 

It isn't an every day occurrence that someone calls up the W and says "hey guess what......" So that should be proof enough. Right? Wrong?

If W didn't believe me, then perhaps she will if MM cheats again and another OW tells her. Who knows.

 

I think l I've said it before but I had friends who volunteered to tell the W. I refused, it needed to come from me. News is news whomever it comes from. SOmeone said that here too!

[norajane]

I don't know who should tell the W.

 

The MM should, of course. It's their marriage, it's his wife, it's his actions; HE should man up and tell her what he's done with their vows. He's adding insult to injury when he leaves it to anyone else to tell his own wife the truth of what he is doing to their lives together.

 

But...he doesn't want to rock the boat...doesn't want to make any changes...doesn't want to fix the marriage...doesn't want to leave the marriage...doesn't want to reveal that he's capable of infidelity...doesn't want to hurt her or their children...doesn't want to take responsibility...doesn't want to deal with her pain and anger...doesn't want to risk losing his lifestyle...doesn't want to do anything.

 

If H doesn't tell, ugh...all the other options suck.

 

W deserves to know who she's married to and what he's doing, but when I was an OW, I didn't tell. When I ended that relationship, it never occurred to me to tell her. I felt it was their marriage and it needed to run its course without me - they were already living apart, though not legally separated yet. They were already in MC. I felt that he had compartmentalized his failing marriage and his relationship with me, and one didn't have much to do with the other. Our affair was not the problem in their relationship, just a symptom.

 

Their divorce is final as of this month, but it's years later now. Perhaps if I had told her, they would have divorced sooner. Perhaps not. I tend to think, in their case, that it's better for them to have divorced because they both knew they weren't right for each other anymore and couldn't get what they wanted out of life together, rather than ending things because of an infidelity.

[lasan]

Their divorce is final as of this month, but it's years later now. Perhaps if I had told her, they would have divorced sooner. Perhaps not. I tend to think, in their case, that it's better for them to have divorced because they both knew they weren't right for each other anymore and couldn't get what they wanted out of life together, rather than ending things because of an infidelity.

 

 

Why do you think it is better, just out of curiousity? From my point of view she wasted years with a cheater and possibly could have been with someone else who really loved her sooner had she known.

[norajane]

Why do you think it is better, just out of curiousity? From my point of view she wasted years with a cheater and possibly could have been with someone else who really loved her sooner had she known.

 

Because he did really love her. He wasn't cheating because he didn't love her or didn't want to be with her. She really loved him, too.

 

They were going through a rough time, and they both knew it. Either of them could have given up on the marriage at any time whether I told or not. But, as long as they hadn't given up, it was possible for them to work things out.

[lasan]

That doesn't sound much like love to me at all, But I understand. Thanks for clarifying NoraJane.

[frannie]

Beenthere- Yay! I was hoping you wouldn't think I was trying to single you out.

 

You said:"STD's aren't a factor, because we used protection the few times we did it. I do go the the OB/GYN regularly and look after my health. If I ever did have something, my partner would be the first person I would tell.

 

My main issue with all of it was the emotional aspect, him telling me not only that he loved me, but that he loved me deeply. "

 

Just because you know that you don't have an STD doesn't mean she does. Do you honestly think that she doesn't deserve to know what she is being exposed to and take the appropriate measures? She is LUCKY you don't have anything, Just like I was lucky that whoever gave my ex his disease did it after I was gone. You are LUCKY that he apparently isn't a Ho-bag and didn't expose both of you.

 

You get to leave the situation knowing exactly what he is capable of and what kind of a person is. Why doesn't the wife deserve to know that?

 

"

 

The thing about all this is, you're only as clear as your last check-up, or the last time you had sex. No one can be 100% sure of anything at any time.

 

And that goes for 'the wife', who, after all, is just as capable of having an affair and sleeping with another man as anyone.

 

There seems to be a lot of suggestion about 'the wife' being someone who is living in a sexual bubble here. Women have affairs too. If your MM is having sex with his W, then YOU the OW is at risk. Let's not tar particular people with this 'carrying sexually transmitted diseases' brush.

 

Everyone should be making provision for their own safety on this issue.

[lasan]

Sorry Frannie,

 

I am not trying to make it sound like only certain people do certian things. I am generalizing for the sake of not typing out every different combination of things that could be going on.

 

*edited to add*

 

Also....the person who has no idea they (he she whatever) are being exposed to other people....if they do get an STD, does it make it their fault for not protecting themselves? I hope I am misunderstanding what you said up there, But how is a BS supposed to protect herself from a threat she doesn't even know exists?

[BenThereDunThat]

I hope you aren't angry. I think we are having a pretty good discussion. I don't think you are a bad person. You didn't answer the question. Doesn't she deserve to know? You have already made it very clear you aren't going to tell her.

 

Also I am not tying to change anyones mind. You are all grown ups and set in your ways. I am just trying to figure out why everyone seems to think no one should tell.

 

No, I'm not angry at all. Just feeling the need to defend myself for some reason. Sure, the W deserves to know. In my situation, in this case, it simply is not my place to tell her.

 

It wasn't my place to encroach on their marriage either. I closed the door on my mistake.

 

The rest is up to him.

 

When we were still talking, he told me he was getting professional help for why he strayed. I tend to believe that was just something he told me so I wouldn't think he was a complete a**. But what if it's true? What if he does work it out? Who am I to throw an ugly wrench into what he could possibly be on the road to recovery from. Maybe they're both already on the road to recovery.

 

There is just too much that I don't know. I am too uninformed to make that call.

[lasan]

No, I'm not angry at all. Just feeling the need to defend myself for some reason.

 

Sorry! I am not trying to put anyone on the defensive. I started this thread to understand why.

 

What I have come up with is Everyone on the surface saying all the stuff I heard back in the day....it wasn't my business, place, Just walk away and let them sort it out.

What that reads like to me is simply that people are afraid of reprecussions. WHich makes sense. I wouldn't want an angry BS on my hands either. (or an angry anyone for that matter.) Doesn't make it right in my book, but I now understand where the other side of the crowd is coming from.

[frannie]

Sorry Frannie,

 

I am not trying to make it sound like only certain people do certian things. I am generalizing for the sake of not typing out every different combination of things that could be going on.

 

*edited to add*

 

Also....the person who has no idea they (he she whatever) are being exposed to other people....if they do get an STD, does it make it their fault for not protecting themselves? I hope I am misunderstanding what you said up there, But how is a BS supposed to protect herself from a threat she doesn't even know exists?

 

Yes, in the context of the question of a BS not knowing what risks her husband is opening her up to.. of course it is relevant. But then looked at it another way, what OW likes to think that she's one of a number of OW, and that this is even an issue? (OK, if the OW knows there is a string of other OW, perhaps it's different).

 

We as OW don't really know what the character of the BS is... she might be very sexually active with other people for all we know. And in that sense... we have as much to lose in this as she does.

 

So overall, where 'telling the wife' comes in... I feel that this as a subject is pretty marginal (with the exception I gave above... if one knows he's sexually active with lots of others).

[frannie]

Just want to say, lasan, that I enjoy discussion and I hope you don't think I'm either upset or annoyed I read quite a bit on other areas of LS (though I don't post, for obvious reasons) and have always enjoyed your posts.

[lasan]

Ah ok Frannie, I get what you are saying too. Thank you for clarifying, I was a bit confused for a moment!

[lasan]

Just want to say, lasan, that I enjoy discussion and I hope you don't think I'm either upset or annoyed I read quite a bit on other areas of LS (though I don't post, for obvious reasons) and have always enjoyed your posts.

 

 

Nah...I just realize how hard it is to sense tone on a message board, and sometimes whenpeople say something it's hard to judge what they mean without inflection of voice. Messageboards are great for discussion, but it might be easier to understand what everyone else means if it was in person...know what I mean?

[frannie]

Nah...I just realize how hard it is to sense tone on a message board, and sometimes whenpeople say something it's hard to judge what they mean without inflection of voice. Messageboards are great for discussion, but it might be easier to understand what everyone else means if it was in person...know what I mean?

 

Oh, definitely.

 

(also, the emoticons on this site are a bit limited, doesn't help!)

[puddleofmud]

This is merely my point of view/opinion:

 

There are too many reasons to NOT tell as opposed to telling.

 

Firstly being the STD issue: as I have stated several times within this forum this can be done anonymously through one's local health department or private physician. Any one with an STD or any communicable disease as required by law (as is the physician) are given a case # with no personal info which goes upon CDC record. All one do is name contacts and they will be informed and given a confidential case # as well.

The party w/ said STD need personally inform NO ONE--that will be done for them with no confidential information required nor given.

Even when a husband and wife has the same doctor the doctor is required by law to report, thus the wife will find out (re:her exposure and only that fact) due his personal contact.

Thus, there is NO reason to personally contact another due to an STD.

Factually, there are hotlines one can call to do this.

It is also against federal law to make a false report!!!

Secondly, true that one may choose NOT to reveal contacts. That may not last long as they may be hounded with certified letters, BUT just the same--one may be married for many many years prior to previously contracted STD's actually being diagnosed or showing up in either partner.

Many STD's remain dormant so it would be best for anyone and every one take responsibility for themselves no matter their past or present situation.

Lastly, as to whether the wife "deserves to know" may be derived from one's own personal values and ethics and I feel that one has no right to assert their values/ethics on another.

I may feel or another may feel the cheating spouse' partner need to know but that would only be about MYSELF and how I FEEL. That would be ME playing with justice. It is my opinion that I've no right to make that call.

My rights are about how I feel about my life, thus how I use my choices.

No one can change the fact that someone cheated or about anything another does (unless it is criminal). If this is a serial cheater this won't change their behavior--the may put a cork in it for a while then the pattern will just begin as it always has.

Spouses love their spouses and there is nothing one can do to change that fact. Even if there is no longer "love" as to one's opinion as to what we value about "love" we still cannot change that particular connection and whatever its details.

"Telling" does little but tell on ourselves... and not worth the thought and energy.

It's not all about "love" but more about "life", we can't choose how to live others lives.

Best to let them live that on their own and figure it out for themselves!

[lasan]

Puddle....even if no one has a disease, I still think the BS has a right to know that the WS is engaging in activity that could expose her to it.

[GreenEyedLady]

But really Lasan, the OW is not going to do it in most cases...most (I would venture to say) of us love our MM and the bottom line is we wouldn't betray him like that...

 

Sorry, I know it's messed up, but that's just the reality of it...In a perfect world, the MM would tell his W something is wrong and they would work at fixing the M or end it...but that's not what happens some of the time...

[RecordProducer]

I am very curious why people think the OW shouldn't tell the wife. I already know I am biased as a BS. I haven't seen one good reason not to tell the wife, because for me Knowing what I have been exposed to trumps all other reasons not to tell.

BS actually means betrayed spouse. I am not sure you're using the term properly. Has your husband cheated on you?

 

Why tell - is obvious. Why not tell is more mysterious and disputable. If the wife is completely clueless, somebody pops up one sunny day and tells her that her husband is screwing another woman. Her day becomes foggy and cloudy. The clouds never go away. She will most likely stay married, but way less happy than before. Had she not found out, the affair might end without her finding out. But now she knows and her life is miserable. If she leaves, more than one person will suffer. If she has children, their lives will be disturbed. Maybe she will start drinking, lose motivation to do something, gain a lot of weight, and her life will spirally go downwards.

 

In other words, when you tell the wife, you may help her, wake her up, contribute to her knowing the truth, and taking the right steps, but you may also turn her (and her children's) life upside-down and cause a lot of misery. You don't know what's better for her, but you're playing a god and changing her life. It involves a lot of responsibility to tell. I would tell a very close friend though. As a wife, I would definitely like to know if I had a choice. But I would be happier not finding out.

 

I was in the same marriage as he was and I didnt cheat.

But you were not married to the same person!