CarolAnne Posted December 18, 2006 Posted December 18, 2006 "Well I say that it's entirely up to individuals if they want to go around evaluating and branding others as 'lesser' or 'greater' than them. Personally I think it's a waste of time and can't see the value in it." I agree - from my experience it's usually something "different" that they are looking for. The guy with a stay-at-home wife wanting to date someone with a career and outside interests or the guy with a career wife wanting to date someone with fewer time commitments. The same thing for personalities, the guy with a very talkative, strong wife finding himself very attracted to someone shy and submissive, and vice versa.
anatus Posted December 19, 2006 Posted December 19, 2006 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]My questions are: what attracted him to me?[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]This is a game of cat and mouse. Sometimes it feels good to be chased. Whether you were attracted to him initially or not is not the case. Perhaps it's part loneliness or part ego or part of the fact that we ALL like attention. [/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] are the other women usually very different from the spouse? I think most times the other women are different from the spouse. If you have been in long term relationships, it's just a fact that the spark dies. But every new relationship starts with spark. Maybe the spark that was lost in his current relationship is what he used to have with his wife. how can I feel like this is "meant to be" while also feeling like he is lying cheating bastard ? Sometimes things are "meant to be" but only for a moment. Think hard and let yourself bypass those moments and fast forward 2-5 years from now. This MM tells you he is going on vacation without you... do you wonder if he will cheat on you as well? how can i find the courage to stop this even though we have already crossed the line? That will come with time. It will also come with many tests of tolerance. How much are you willing to accept. One thing is for sure, he did it to his wife, somebody he took a vow of commitment to. Even though he was married, he chased you. Again, fast forward to 2-5 years... I understand what you are going thru, I honestly do. I just hope that you do not repeat my mistakes but I understand that we have to learn those lessons the hard way. Being in this situation always comes with a high price tag. It also comes with taking responsibility that multiple hearts may be broken in this relationship.[/FONT][/COLOR]
Guest--OP Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 I truly think that this is just something I have to go through. I'm drawn to him and don't want to stop. We are becoming closer everyday and I like the feeling of becoming more to him. We talked about his marriage and where he stands with his wife. His answer is simply that he knows he wants, needs and will get a divorce but he was honest enough to say "I don't know when." I think he needs to courage to just do it. As for the affair down tangent, I know that I'm not "lower" than anyone. He likes me because I am a hot young woman with a good head on her shoulders who doesn't nag him. We make the same amount of money and I'm far more educated than him. He does like that I'm more feminine than his wife though. He likes taking the lead and I like a strong man that will do that. Again, I know that this situation isn't ideal and will do my best not to get caught up emotionally but right now I think I need to experience this with him. I know what I'm getting into and in the back of my mind I think that some fairytale ending will happen. That's naive but I'm just being honest about how I feel. Thanks to everyone that responded. To the BS, I think you should know that women who get involved with married men aren't parahias but just everyday women who suffer an extreme case of romantism. My friend has chased and chased me and told me of his circumstances. He doesn't talk ill of his wife but says how he's sick of not being happy and living a lie. Every affair is different and not all are seedy in any way. I think that many times people outgrow a marriage but have a hard time outgoing the familiar and hence affairs happen. I never thought I'd be here, and I tried to not be here, but here I am.
anatus Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 Good luck with your decision to pursue the relationship. I hope that it works out in your favor. If he is that unhappy, he should just leave his marriage to pursue a relationship with you. I just hope you don't get caught in a situation of waiting for M guy to divorce and 2 years later, you're still the other woman. You're young, vibrant, and seem to be doing well financially. I have learned to be with a man because I want him, not because I need him. If the level of want exceeds the level of need, you're in a good place. I really have a hard time with people that automatically think the OW is either lesser than the wife or the greater than the wife. It's an unfair judgement. A man cheats for different reasons and it does not mean either women are better than the other. It's just a fact we evolve with time and sometimes we outgrow th current person. I outgrew my ex husband and left him before pursuing other relationships. Not that I am holier than thou but I think is wrong. Then wouldn't you know it... I found myself as the OW waiting for my M guy to divorce his wife.
Trialbyfire Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 It's not surpising the assumption is that the OW is lesser or greater than the wife. From what I've seen and read, it appears to be that the OW provides the elements that are missing from the BW. It's also the excitement and the fantasy associated to anything that's illicit. If the WS were to have to live with the OW and focus on her solely, he may find himself wandering again, looking for the elements that the BW provided to him. Each situation is different. For example a cakeman wants it all. The perfect relationship without having to put much work into it. Overall, no matter how badly the BW treats the WS, cheating is wrong. Man-up and walk. For OW AND BW who are willing to stay in these relationships, you are helping to propogate cheating and are willing to take less than the whole man, no matter how you look at it. It's one thing when the WS wants reconciliation with the BW and another to remain "as is" and turn the other cheek or not want to know. I strongly urge both of these types of women to nut-up and walk away from accepting the crumbs off a table.
anatus Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 For OW AND BW who are willing to stay in these relationships, you are helping to propogate cheating and are willing to take less than the whole man, no matter how you look at it. It's one thing when the WS wants reconciliation with the BW and another to remain "as is" and turn the other cheek or not want to know. I strongly urge both of these types of women to nut-up and walk away from accepting the crumbs off a table. I never looked at it as if I was getting crumbs off a table, however I felt like it. Sad to say but I accepted less than what I deserved because I loved him more than I loved myself. I am no longer the rug that used to lay there and take it. I discovered I had a voice... and a loud one too. I also found strength that fought for me and stood up for me - finally! He has changed... he is finally doing things for me that he has never done. He's stepped up to the plate. I feel like he is giving me his all and I am no longer getting crumbs. I recognize that I was accepting less before and now I want more. I know deep inside that if I don't get more, I will walk. Being with him now, seeing him change, and remembering what an @## he was is in front of my eyes. No matter how I try to turn my cheek, I am aware of it all. Sometimes people change for the better despite what situation brought them to this point.
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