What attracted me to me in the first place?

[Guest]

A while back I posed the question "how can a married man pursue a woman so brazenly?" My co-worker, 11 years my senior, has been flirting with me relentlessly since May of this year. At first I was confused by his behavior and thought he was just a big flirt. Then he came right out and said he liked me and wanted to get to know me better.

 

I said "No, thank you...you are MARRIED" everytime he bought things up but I couldn't deny my attraction to him. I was very uncomfortable with his advances but I gave mixed signals because I would just smile and laugh when he said suggestive things (I tend to laugh when I don't know what else to do.) He finally confronted me and persuaded me to "just be selfish and give in to the temptation." I couldn't deny my strong attraction/chemistry to him anymore. My head was spinning because I just didn't know how I could even consider this...

 

By October, we were exchanging naughty emails (mostly him being naughty and me responding) and we exchanged cell numbers but talked very sporadically. In November he came over to my place...we kissed a bit but I was so uncomfortable that his stay was relatively short. Since then we've gotten closer in the sense that we make plans to see each other but things always fall through on both ends. That doesn't stop us for making out in our offices though. I'm at the point now that I am tired of the inner turmoil of having to rationalize this with him. I notice that I has become very submissive toward him. I definitely make him feel like "the man."

 

Sometimes I feel like I am leading him on but then sometimes I feel insulted that he has placed me in this situation. Although I have a strong attraction to him, he's not exactly the man of my dreams... but I crave the attention. He's very direct in his description of how he wants to be together sexually. My style is more tender and less direct so that tends to turn me off...now, maybe sensing my unease, he says he wants to "make love." Sometimes I think we have a powerful connection and he is just a little rough around the edges, other times I think that I am being played. He's very macho but when he leaves me tender messages and says tender things I melt...it's like he has two sides.

 

It's a rollercoaster of emotions

 

I know, I sound naive and I really am.

 

My questions are

what attracted him to me?

are the other women usually very different from the spouse?

how can I feel like this is "meant to be" while also feeling like he is lying cheating bastard ?

how can i find the courage to stop this even though we have already crossed the line?

 

Thanks

[GreenEyedLady]

Whoa!!! You need to stop now...making out in offices at work are going to ruin your professional reputation and could get you fired...

 

What does it matter what attracted him to you...that's not what is important here...I don't think that you see it as meant to be if you are so uncomfortable...he's giving you attention and you're liking it...

 

If you want to keep your job and reputation, you have to cool it with this co-worker...and turn your affections elsewhere...Sorry but I see only Danger signs here...

[bonehead]

when a woman is even SLIGHTY attracted to them.

 

Then they just start reeling ya in.

[Romeo Must Die]

what attracted him to me?

 

Make a short list and ask yourself, What does he have in common with all the romantic relationships you have had in your life?

 

are the other women usually very different from the spouse?

 

The OW can be anybody, but it has been said that MM affair-down, choosing someone lower in status to look up to them. An ego stroke.

 

how can I feel like this is "meant to be" while also feeling like he is lying cheating bastard ?

 

You are lying to yourself. God gives us free will to choose, there is no plan in life. I got news for you. He is a cheating bastard because he's married.

 

how can i find the courage to stop this even though we have already crossed the line?

 

I don't buy this line. It's just an excuse to persue the affair. You can say S.T.O.P. anytime you wanted to, even before it started.

 

[kymberann]

The OW can be anybody, but it has been said that MM affair-down, choosing someone lower in status to look up to them. An ego stroke.

 

I beg to differ on this statement! This is a generalization to say the least. And not so for a majority of A's. My Xmm used to explain to me that I was different and he was attracted to me because I am educated, can hold my own. Have a full time job, have a house and am responsible for many things. Not to mention that I can strike up a decent conversation and am well versed in a myriad of topics and interest. He most certainly did not "affair down" with me as MM's W did not want to do a lot of the "things" I was already doing. They did not have much in common and we had a lot of parallels in the R.

 

I know this is going to strike up a debate and I know it sounds as if I am defending myself , MM or the A on this one, but this is how I see it.

[GreenEyedLady]

The OW can be anybody, but it has been said that MM affair-down, choosing someone lower in status to look up to them. An ego stroke.

 

 

I beg to differ on this statement! This is a generalization to say the least. And not so for a majority of A's. My Xmm used to explain to me that I was different and he was attracted to me because I am educated, can hold my own. He most certainly did not "affair down" with me as MM's W did not want to do a lot of the "things" I was already doing.

 

Have to agree with you here...I am also very educated and professional, albeit younger, but not a step down by any sense of the word...and I don't mind defending myself on that account...

[bonehead]

going to touch the affair down comment.

[frannie]

going to touch the affair down comment.

 

It was a classic

[LucreziaBorgia]

A

1. what attracted him to me?

2. are the other women usually very different from the spouse?

3. how can I feel like this is "meant to be" while also feeling like he is lying cheating bastard ?

4. how can i find the courage to stop this even though we have already crossed the line?

 

1. The ego boost you provide him. You showed him that he still "has it" in terms of being able to seduce women. You are a challenge to him, something to be conquered and won. Your attraction to him is what he is attracted to. He knows you want him, and that turns him on.

2. Some are, some aren't. The key difference is the 'newness' of the situation - that type of hot infatuation and sexual tension that only comes with the fantasy land of the brand new relationship.

3. Your heart and your head are telling you two different things. Your heart tells you that he wants you, that you want him - and that is all that should matter. Your head tells you that he is nothing more than just another run of the mill cheater looking for strange on the side.

4. You have to want it to end first. I'm not sure that you do.

 

If you really want it to end you have to be firm. Tell him in no uncertain terms that it is over between you two. Do not offer to be 'friends'. Tell him that any inappropriate contact will be considered sexual harassment and that you will file a complaint against him. Refuse any non-work contact with him, and tell him that if he does contact you in any way, shape or form that is non-work related - you will tell his wife everything. Then follow through. Do not engage in any conversations, emails, phone conversations, etc. that are not work related.

 

... or, you could simply find another job and refuse to give MM any of your new contact information.

[ratingsguy]

Tell him that any inappropriate contact will be considered sexual harassment and that you will file a complaint against him.

 

While I think that's the right thing to do, that is probably NOT the best thing to do given the situation here, where sexual contact was once welcome. He'll probably file a similar claim and then it turns into a he-said she-said debate. Then both of your reputations are tarnished. Getting a new job is probably the best way to go (if it's practical) because then he's at least out of the picture on the work front, eliminating him from about 40 hours out of your week.

[lovernotafighter]

going to touch the affair down comment.

 

ditto my dear..ditto

[Romeo Must Die]

As for the affair down statement, I didnt just make that up and you know that. I didn't write it, but it has been discussed by many people before me, long before I ever came along the scene.

 

I'm not trying to start a war. I am tring to start a discussion. If that statement is wrong, then lets discuss it people. Don't get ignorant with me. I'm here to learn and so are you. None of you are experts on affairs (just because you are in one) and you're all just as fu*cked-up and damaged as everybody else, including myself. I am saying, there is often a class distinction between BW and OW and that is a fact. I didnt say "all affairs AD like Kymberann', 'or take bonehead for an example." WTF. As far as frannie goes, "I'm not going to touch that one." You are always in the middle of somthing here. You seem to enjoy the conflict.

 

There are alot of MM that will have a EMA with an ignorant bar fly when they have a Brady wife and kids at home. There is a distinction between the two. Another example, MM will bang the receptionsist while his Ivy Leauge wife is home. Not all OW/OM are Pamela Anderson or Albert Einstien's. They are not always better than the wife. For Christs sake. The AP wouldn't always be someone they would typically leave their wife for. THAT IS A STEREOTYPE ALSO.

 

Bottom line: The issue lies with the WS/MM. We BW rarely get a choice who our WS would choose.

 

[kymberann]

THere is so much to pick apart in your posting, don't know where to start, but it obviously a trigger for me.

 

You state:

 

I am saying, there is often a class distinction between BW and OW and that is a fact.

However you said the OW can be "anybody". So perhaps you even see

the discrepency in your post.

You also state:

choosing someone lower in status to look up to them. An ego stroke.

Keep in mind choosing someone who is "of equal or more value" can also be an ego stroke for both MM and OW.

 

They are not always better than the wife.

Perhaps so, but they are different We all are.

 

I understand we are all coming from all differing points of view, different reasoning, different thought processes and rationales, rightly so. However to make a judgement call on such a touchy subject (with out facts) just invalidates what people are and have been going through.

I didn't come here to be pointed out that my status is higher or lower than the next person or to be compared. I came here to grieve, get and offer support based on MY experience and of others. When we make generalizations such as this it hampers the process.

[Romeo Must Die]

 

MM's W did not want to do a lot of the "things" I was already doing. They did not have much in common and we had a lot of parallels in the R.

 

 

You are also generalizing, Kymber. You only know what you have been told about her. It could be a lie for all you know, or he could be simply downplaying his wife or even padding his affair partner. He married her, I doubt it was because he felt sorry for her or because planned to leave her later. It doesnt mean you are less or more of a person than the BW and vice-versa.

 

[kymberann]

Umm, I talked with her when I exposed A to her. She asked me why the A happened. She told me she knew he was cheating, was different was more active and happy and quiet around her because he was getting out more and doing the things he likes to do. She told me she doesn't like doing the same things MM likes to do. I am not just talking sexual activity too. So no I am not genrealizing, this is my experience and my reality. I am not saying I am less or more, just different qualities.

 

None of you are experts on affairs

I am an expert on my own affair, and my own reality. I am also responsible for what i learn and take from the situation. Whether I am correct or f*cked up or not, that is for me to work on. Not to be genralized by someone else who has their own set of issues.

 

Sorry for hijacking thread, I think we should get back to lending support where needed. HOwever, use this as an example as to what getting invloved with a MM and BS may bring you!

[Romeo Must Die]

There are also those who would believe that having an affair makes the OW/OM a lesser person. That this essentially *lowers* this person (no matter what their status in life) as a little or no class individual for coming between two people. For taking advantage of a bad situation for your own benefit, even for something noble as for love or companionship. I'm not saying that you are, but what do you think about that?

 

[kymberann]

Lesser in terms of what?

Values, morales? There are just too many variables at play that no reasoning, rationale can be pinpointed.

 

I have to go back to my situation. I am not married, I am single. At the time, I was not dating, I had feelings for this man for a year. THroughout this year we did many things together without acknowledging we had feelings. Yes pining I know! I kept said feelings to myself because I knew he was married. I kept my disance as best as I could. When it all came out, initiated by MM I was in such shock, I was estatic to know there were same feelings from him that i had as well. I was validated. However because of my "status" I wasn't cheating. I wasn't the married one. I held on to my values as long as I could. And i did throughout his A. I didn't date, I was his and wanted to be his.

 

The very first day when he told me how he felt, we discussed he and I being together, he met my parents thta same day, my parents knew about him. My children knew about him, friends knew. It was only that the more we got invloved the more I saw signs that he was not going to follow through with what we initially began.

 

In essence, I take responsiblitiy for NOT ending the A when I should have. Perhaps that makes me the lesser. Who knows at this point?

As for answering yor question, I can't give you a definite answer as again there is too much at play here!

[Seen_It_All]

Ugh...Guest, this guy just sounds like a horny pig whose looking to get laid, pure and simple.

 

This is not flattering, it's insulting and degrading. I constantly have men acting like pigs just like this at work, hitting on me and making leud suggestions and quite frankly, I wouldn't touch them with a 10 foot pole. I simply wouldn't lower myself.

 

But you know what IS flattering? An available man whose actually willing to put the WORK into a relationship with you because he feels you're WORTH it and wants you in his life. That's what flattering. Not some married pig drooling on you and telling you just HOW he's going to sexually use you.

 

I'm dry heaving.

[GreenEyedLady]

There are also those who would believe that having an affair makes the OW/OM a lesser person. That this essentially *lowers* this person (no matter what their status in life) as a little or no class individual for coming between two people. For taking advantage of a bad situation for your own benefit, even for something noble as for love or companionship. I'm not saying that you are, but what do you think about that?

 

 

Well, I am glad that I don't really care what other people think...I think that your comment that people A down is more a reaction to your own situation...A's happen...if wives want to tell themselves that their H cheated with someone lesser than them so they feel better about taking him back, then so be it...that's up to you...

 

It's just like the OW telling herself that she is more attractive, thinner, younger, more understanding, better in bed than the W...

 

While some part of it may be true, in the big scheme of things, does it really matter?

[frannie]

As far as frannie goes, "I'm not going to touch that one." You are always in the middle of somthing here. You seem to enjoy the conflict.

 

Well, firstly, I didn't say that, but I did comment on it.

 

And secondly, I am an OW, and this is a board for OW and OM, so forgive me for being in the middle of it.

 

 

"Not all OW/OM are Pamela Anderson or Albert Einstien's. They are not always better than the wife. For Christs sake."

 

Did anyone say they were..? What's the point in slinging stereotypes around? We have some real live people involved in affairs on this forum, so I just can't see the point.

[kymberann]

Thanks Frannie for your perspective. Perhaps this is how I should approach this from now on. What does it matter? What's done is done. What matters is where does each individual person who finds themselves in this situation go from here.If they want to go anywhere.

[frannie]

There are also those who would believe that having an affair makes the OW/OM a lesser person. That this essentially *lowers* this person (no matter what their status in life) as a little or no class individual for coming between two people. For taking advantage of a bad situation for your own benefit, even for something noble as for love or companionship. I'm not saying that you are, but what do you think about that?

 

 

Well I say that it's entirely up to individuals if they want to go around evaluating and branding others as 'lesser' or 'greater' than them. Personally I think it's a waste of time and can't see the value in it.

[puddleofmud]

I would say that in GENERAL taking advantage of another for one's selfish benefit no matter the situation would be considered less than ethical. Period.

I see no "classification" beyond this nor do I see it justifiable to use another as an excuse to "classifly" oneself as "better" "justified" or "smug"

Frankly from my experience any one that has done me an extreme injustice had no sense of that whatsoever!

Actually, had they been built to care they would have done so in the first place! I finally figured out that there are those who don't think like me, don't have the same sense of ethics and never will.

Thus, trying to deal w/ them from my level will never happen, not in my mind and certainly never theirs. So I stopped dealing with their way of thinking and concentrated on mine and only mine.

I think its called "sanity". Trying to understand and figure them out made me feel insane, dirty, icky--that kind of thing.

Somehow I had to stay ME.

I think that is where the truth about justice came in: they stayed stuck in their sorry little dark place and I love the sunshine!

 

 

 

There are also those who would believe that having an affair makes the OW/OM a lesser person. That this essentially *lowers* this person (no matter what their status in life) as a little or no class individual for coming between two people. For taking advantage of a bad situation for your own benefit, even for something noble as for love or companionship. I'm not saying that you are, but what do you think about that?

 

[Trialbyfire]

OP,

He is a lying, cheating bastard. He's attracted to you because you've been unattainable to this point. You're attracted to him because he's given you consistent signals of direct interest, flattering and continuous. He's also unattainable in that he's "committed" to someone else.

 

The two of you are playing the age-old hunt game. Give your head a good shake because 90% of the time, it will not end up in a happy situation and you will get your head, heart and self-esteem torn to pieces.

[bonehead]

But getting involved with someone who admires the MP and SHOWS it I think fits a little better.

 

 

Men falling for the dumb blond is a myth for the most part