HellFox Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 These have been the two things I have been living with for the past several months since I was dropped out of boot camp and returned home. At first, my family was hyped about me coming back and glad to see me seemingly so full of energy to begin a fresh start again at something. But as time passed, I soon came to realize just how bad I had blown a chance at something, also the memories of Marine Corps Boot Camp began to haunt my dreams. The negative aspects of my experience also began to come on as if I had been through war, like a veteran remembering an intense firefight. Then as the fall college semester began seemingly after a few classes, I had a major anxiety attack, it was as if the world was ending in my head. I dropped out of the classes soon after. I only ended up with one class this semester as a result, at first interesting and then at the end I was so reminded of my past trauma that I didn't even really study for the Final Exam. Though the class was easy, it brought on memories I didn't want to remember. Past hopes, past dreams, coping with memories that I don't wish to remember. Its been so painful for me mentally, I've been seeing a councilor about it. Even then I am here writing on, reaching out to people who might actually care. People who may not shrug me away as being a failure or mocking me for not making it. I also beat myself up for not living up to expectations, for being me, just as I have done for a long time. Is it possible to truly be the guy I was earlier this year before Boot? My mother has been doing her best to try and keep my spirits up, my dad after witnessing how bad my depression was getting has been trying to get more involved with what I do. But its not meeting what I am needing. I suppose, what I am looking for is evidence. Evidence that there are some decent human beings out here who don't care whether you make it or not, who simply like you for who you are and not about how much you make. I guess I prefer a woman friend mostly, no not for what you think! :-p ( I know what you are thinking). I come from a house of 3 brothers so other than my mom, there really is no woman in my life even as a friend. Wow, I wrote a lot! Guess this has been on my mind for awhile. I'll simply stop there for now.
Guest Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I Have Tons Of Evidence. The Woman I Love Knows Exactly How Things Are. That's All I Ever Needed. She Has Never Been Anywhere But By My Side - Wink I Love Her
Love Hurts Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Your not alone... The world is full of people that: have failed, do fail and will fail. …Its human nature, It happens. The first step to well being is to allow yourself the right to fail. Big deal… If and I mean If… you live long enough anything can happen. Take a vacation from yourself, allow time out. To much focus on self…can be self –destructive. Focus on others.. try to lend a helping hand or ear to someone else in need. In doing so you may find it has helped you. Sometimes our problems diminish in the light of other peoples problems. I hope this one cheers you up………”life isn’t perfect, if you are.. you don’t fit in”
Author HellFox Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 Thanks, it is still difficult for me to trust strangers right now. I guess you could say I am in "mental defensive mode", keeping people away from me. I dunno if its just fear of rejection or fear of ridicule, maybe both.
sb129 Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I suppose, what I am looking for is evidence. Evidence that there are some decent human beings out here who don't care whether you make it or not, who simply like you for who you are and not about how much you make. I guess I prefer a woman friend mostly, no not for what you think! :-p ( I know what you are thinking). I come from a house of 3 brothers so other than my mom, there really is no woman in my life even as a friend. HF- one of the hardest things about your late teens and twenties (I am assuming you fall into this category) is that people can fall into the trap of constantly comparing yourself to others and being very very harsh on yourself when you don't meet "expectations". What they often don't realise till later is usually the person with the highest expectations of them is THEMSELVES, and other people rarely think about you and judge you as much as you think they do. OF COURSE there are people out there who will like you for who you are. And as time goes by you tend to weed those people out, cos quite frankly hanging out with people who expect something of you other than who you are gets exhausting. I found high school the worst for that, and nearly twelve years after finishing high school, I am lucky to be happy with myself, have a great network of friends and a boyfriend who loves me just as I am. I have friends from all walks of life, some make a pittance and others make a six figure salary- to me that means nothing as long as we get along as friends, have a laugh and share things. But it hasn't always been smooth or easy. Depression is like a fog that clouds everything, I have been there and it was scary and awful. Counselling and a short course of antidepressants really helped to clarify things after nine years of pretending my depression didn't exist. But luckily I am out the other side, and I promise you it is like the fog has lifted. I am not so harsh on myself. I know that people will still love me if I make a few mistakes. You deserve all that, take it easy, be kind to yourself, start doing something that you LOVE to do or have always wanted to try- like a hobby or a night class or a team sport or whatever. It could help you meet new people with a shared interest that may turn into friends. It could also turn into a career, or keep you sane when life gets tough. Exercise is also great for depression. Don't be scared to make mistakes. You are human. Its allowed.
Guest Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 i have started something that i love to do - winning back the hand of my love
Author HellFox Posted December 16, 2006 Author Posted December 16, 2006 Yeah, but it still won't be easy for me. Its not an easy thing to start over again. To be able to trust people again, especially considering bad experiences with women who have beauty but no brain (no offense intended just talking from experience from women I have met). Women of intelligence though I feel unworthy of, and when I miss a time or am late I kick myself alot for it. I don't like pushing things onto other people either, I am not a socially aggressive person. When I am in a crowd I usually try to find some corner away somewhere just naturally, its what I have been doing since elementary school where I was betrayed by friends for the first time. So as you can tell I have baggage from those periods I need to get over first. Oh lovely I just found out my iPod is kaput , bah. Oh well, may just have to ask for a new one for Christmas.
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