Nowconfused Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Me and my husband have been married for 3 years we have 2 great kids... I started noticing something our 1st year..... After I had my first child.. i was cleaning under the bed and found a dozen porno movies .. they were in a black bag, so i figured he bought them *and to this day i think he did* he says his friend at work was moving and gave them to him.. ok whatever.. Well i bust him looking at sex videos on the computer *check his history* and i catch him looking at the late night HBO .. I had to take daughter to ER one night for high fever and noticed on our satellite menu he ordered a 11 dollar porn when i took her!! he says he "accidentally" ordered it.. yeah ok well.. he works nights alot.. he gets off at midnight.. he will come straight home and get on the couch and watch the late night hbo w/ the remote in hand.. when he hears me coming he turns it quickly... he dosent have access to get the videos b/c they are in our bedroom and he thinks he'll wake me up "although, im already awake and he dont know it" so he settles for sex videos on puter or late night MAX or HBO.. I wasnt thinking of this being to much of a problem.. it didnt bother me to much until... i was cleaning the bathroom.. and under the folded towels i found some porno mags... then under the hutch in teh bathroom i find more.. Now im getting bothered.. i havent said anything to him about watching the sex videos on the puter.. he didnt know i knew... he said something to me about it.. he came to me and said he has a porno problem.. he didnt go into details about how much he looks/ watches... the past 2 weeks i've been super observant and its an every night thing... I wish we talked more about it when he came to me.. I think I will bring it back up to him... Dont get me wrong.. porno dosent "bother" me.. i will watch it w/ him sometimes.. but .. he is a lil out of hand.. Me and him had sex 5 times in one day.. that night he came home and STILL had to do his thing to the late night hbo..**of course he dosent know i know, but i have my ways of knowing** I feel like I cant satisfy him.. Im starting to get concerned and really really bothered , any suggestions?
Guest Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 i will never be able to convince my ex that was simply part of my depression and addiction and that is and will never be in my life again i could not be any clearer it was a mistake caused by cocaine and neither are in my life i gave up trying to convince her of this long ago and i know how she was hurt by this but she will not believe me nothing i can do
Lennox Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Read over your post. Substitute the word "porn" for the word "whiskey". Now, if he was drinking to that extent, would you think there's a problem? Some people can handle indulgences, such as drinking, pot, and other "sins" and some people can't. It sounds like your husband is a pretty good candidate for the "can't handle it" side. Especially with a daughter in the house. Do you really want your little girl growing up thinking that the porn is normal? Do you think he would want her to aspire to become one of those women in the porn mags and movies? I guarantee you this child will find it if she hasn't already. He's already hinted to you that even HE thinks he has a problem. He's right, he does have a problem. Unfortunately, the only solution is to completely abstain from porn. Just as an alcoholic cannot just have a beer once in a while, I don't think he's capable of handling porn once in a while. If you wind up going to a therapist, make sure they are trained in handling sexual addictions. A therapist can do more harm than good if their approach doesn't treat this problem as an addiction. Good luck to both of you!
Lennox Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Eep sorry, reposted same message by accident
Mr. Lucky Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 If you wind up going to a therapist, make sure they are trained in handling sexual addictions. A therapist can do more harm than good if their approach doesn't treat this problem as an addiction. Good luck to both of you! I'm going to disagree. I don't think your husband is "addicted" to porn but rather is using it to avoid participating in your marriage and family life. Certainly, a therapist could help both of you figure out why that is happening. And I think that understanding the underlying issues will help you more in the long run than just treating him for a supposed "disease". Mr. Lucky
IpAncA Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Well it doesn't sound like he's full blown addicted to it but talk to him about this. You said that he said that he has a problem, are you sure he meant that or was just saying that to shut you up about it? It does sound like he is avoiding home life like Mr. Lucky said. He'd rather watch that then go to the ER? Thats unacceptable behavior right there but I don't know the whole story but if he choose to say home then that isn't good.
norajane Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Well it doesn't sound like he's full blown addicted to it but talk to him about this. You said that he said that he has a problem, are you sure he meant that or was just saying that to shut you up about it? It does sound like he is avoiding home life like Mr. Lucky said. He'd rather watch that then go to the ER? Thats unacceptable behavior right there but I don't know the whole story but if he choose to say home then that isn't good. I'm guessing he didn't go to the ER because he stayed home with their other child... Sounds like he has a habit. I don't know that I would call it an addiction, maybe. I guess I think of addictions as behavior that gets in the way of your normal life. And since you're having lots of sex (5 times a day, sometimes! ), it doesn't seem to be getting in the way of his performance or of him having sex with you. He's probably been doing this since long before you came into the picture. I don't think it has anything to do with you not beng able to "satisfy him". If you hadn't found the magazines and the movies, would you even know he was using porn at all? How is it affecting your life?
JackJack Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 It does sound like he might be using that as an escape from dealing with daily homelife or whatever else might be going on, which says theres a deeper problem. Of course if that were the case he could using other means of escaping or avoiding problems, but maybe porn is his choice of escape. A trained sex thearpist can probably better tell you if he has a true porn addcition or not. I still say wheather thats the case or not, seems there might still be a deeper issues going on that needs to delt with as well.
Art_Critic Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 So what exactly is him watching porn doing to your relationship ? You have said that your sex life is great.. Why complain ? I think there might be more to this story and to your uneasy feeling about things right now and you are just looking at porn as the answer to point the finger at.. Now if you didn't still have a great sex life then I might think porn was an issue. How many Women's magazines to you read each month ? I have always thought they were comparable things unless the relationship is suffering
norajane Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I guess I'm not sure why some of you are saying he's avoiding his marriage and avoiding deeper issues in the marriage or escaping from his daily homelife. I didn't notice that he was using the porn any other time than late at night after he gets off his shift when he believe his wife is asleep. How is that getting in the way of anything, and why does it make you think there are deeper issues he's avoiding? The OP has barely even discussed it with him...she's just been spying on him to figure out when he does it.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I guess I'm not sure why some of you are saying he's avoiding his marriage and avoiding deeper issues in the marriage or escaping from his daily homelife. I didn't notice that he was using the porn any other time than late at night after he gets off his shift when he believe his wife is asleep. How is that getting in the way of anything, and why does it make you think there are deeper issues he's avoiding? The OP has barely even discussed it with him...she's just been spying on him to figure out when he does it. You could be right. Hard to interpret every nuance of the OP's statement. You know, while I don't have anything against porn unless done to excess, it's just never been very compelling to me. However, if it can get you so worked up that you have to jerk off after a 5x sex day, I may have to revisit the possibilities Mr. Lucky
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 he came to me and said he has a porno problem.. I dunno know. But it's been my experience that when someone tells you "I've got a problem" … you'd be wise to listen to what they're saying. Makes sense, too. After all, why would he go through all the trouble of hiding his stash in secret places if he already knows you've never had a problem with it before? Sounds to me like someone more concerned with hiding the evidence of an embarrassing compulsion, rather than hiding the material because his wife won't allow it in the house. Me and him had sex 5 times in one day.. Was this just an isolated incident, or is he normally this hypersexual? That's something you'll want to consider, too. Because, if it's the latter, than it would absolutely indicate a sex addiction and it will be difficult for you (or any one human being) to provide that constant fix for him over an extended period of time. But the only person who can give you any real answers is your husband. Maybe you should sit down for a good heart to heart and ask him again exactly what he meant by: "I've got a problem." I know I would!
norajane Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 You could be right. Hard to interpret every nuance of the OP's statement. You know, while I don't have anything against porn unless done to excess, it's just never been very compelling to me. However, if it can get you so worked up that you have to jerk off after a 5x sex day, I may have to revisit the possibilities Mr. Lucky I dunno. Porn doesn't do it for me. But I have noticed that the more sex I have, the more I masturbate, and the more I masturbate, the more sex I want. I've masturbated after an extensive escapade with my SO, complete with several orgasms...just want that one more while he's making coffee or gets in the shower to go to work. He likes that about me. BUT, I'm a woman. I don't know how it works for guys. I imagine a guy who can get it up 6 times in one day, is prolly fairly young or super-healthy physically.
goodfriendeva Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 Read over your post. Substitute the word "porn" for the word "whiskey". Now, if he was drinking to that extent, would you think there's a problem? Some people can handle indulgences, such as drinking, pot, and other "sins" and some people can't. It sounds like your husband is a pretty good candidate for the "can't handle it" side. Especially with a daughter in the house. Do you really want your little girl growing up thinking that the porn is normal? Do you think he would want her to aspire to become one of those women in the porn mags and movies? I guarantee you this child will find it if she hasn't already. He's already hinted to you that even HE thinks he has a problem. He's right, he does have a problem. Unfortunately, the only solution is to completely abstain from porn. Just as an alcoholic cannot just have a beer once in a while, I don't think he's capable of handling porn once in a while. If you wind up going to a therapist, make sure they are trained in handling sexual addictions. A therapist can do more harm than good if their approach doesn't treat this problem as an addiction. Good luck to both of you! i agree... your hubby already admitted he has a problem.. you need to try and talk to him about it. although porn is not deadly like drugs or alcohol it will take its toll on your family and your marriage.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 17, 2006 Posted December 17, 2006 I dunno. Porn doesn't do it for me. But I have noticed that the more sex I have, the more I masturbate, and the more I masturbate, the more sex I want. I've masturbated after an extensive escapade with my SO, complete with several orgasms...just want that one more while he's making coffee or gets in the shower to go to work. He likes that about me. My wife has a similar fondness for something she calls the "topper". Sometimes, after a long session of lovemaking, she'll bring herself to one more orgasm while we are cuddling. I was a little threatened by this early in our relationship - What, the 3 orgasms I brought you to weren't enough? - but I've learned that it is a sign that she really enjoyed the sex. Kind of the cherry on top of the sundae . Mr. Lucky
Djaba Posted December 17, 2006 Posted December 17, 2006 First, I have to say that I'm slightly envious of both Norajane's partner and Mr. Lucky. I'd love to have an intimate partner so able to enjoy sexual pleasure.... Back to the OP: I agree with the advice you've received that you should take seriously your husband's statement that he has a problem. He might have a porn problem, or he might have a problem accepting the range and strength of his sexual desires. In one sense, it's his choice - but a choice that he will have to make in the context of his broader life: aspirations, obligations and priorities. I was pleased to see you say that you think you will go back to him about this. If you can arrange it practically and get into the right mental / emotional space, I would suggest you schedule an evening together at home with the kids away or safely in bed, and tell him that you'd like to talk more about what he said, that you don't necessarily believe he has a problem but you take seriously what he said, that you love him and support him and want to understand what this is about. If it makes you feel insecure, you should tell him that, but you should also feel very good about yourself for taking on this very scary challenge of trying to deal constructively and healthily with a difficult, sensitive issue. If you can approach it openly and supportively, and if he can open up to you about it, then you will have created the opportunity for profound growth in your relationship. If you create that space and he can't accept it, then I think you might have to look at a more extreme solution, like insisting that you and he go to counselling together. I realise all of that is much easier said than done, and I'm actually a little hesitant to even suggest this because I know it is not easy. Please take it as just one suggestion among others. Whatever you choose to do, I think you should feel good about having sought out advice on an important issue that many people would just try to hide from. Best of luck to you.
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